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alcestis New Member
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she wakes up in the morning with monday-itus. except it's not just that, if that at all. it's the hang over from the pack of pitta bread and whole apple pie that she convinced herself that she'd be fine having at 2am. how is it that a highly functioning elite graduate cannot get it together to master the basic skills of eating and sleeping healthily - the ones a 2 year old is spot on with. she can't see any hope, any way of sustaining, nourishing, energising her self, her body, through the day apart from the empty promise - a relic of heavily bulimic days - that she won't have to eat. She concocts detailed plans during the quiet moments at work. How she'll 'eat less' (this used to be code for eating nothing. nowadays it really does mean eat less. perhaps a 500 kcal intake, not a 5000) for two weeks, go on massive colonic treatment for the 3rd week and blah blah. there were more plans. but it's 3pm and she's already caved in to her cut up orange pepper. it's 5pm and she's going home. and she scratched herself with a paper clip. how angsty of her. the last time she tried to hurt herself was when she was recovering from bulimia and sitting finals. no excuses now. she's just a glutton. she reminds herself that she's just engaging in self pity. she might as well be wearing gothic emo-wear. ugh. that's so far from her. it's 5pm and she's out of school straight to tescos. shop there. straight to home via another shop. buy things there. polite and friendly conversation to those she meets. she's not in a haze. she's pretending that she'll make cookies for the visitors coming over. oh yes, for them. uhuh. 6pm. 2 sandwiches, 200g of chocolate and plate of cookies later and she's not particularly surprised. it was going to happen. self justified hatred. but the thing is, she feels like she did this morning, without the hope. why does she want to do this to herself? why does she agree to walk around with a stomach bulging forth? that her clothes won't fit and the scales tip 12 stone or 13 stone depending on where she puts the starting needle. she wishes she could talk to someone fully. but she hates being such a wimp. but what's more wimpish - walking up the stairs at work gasping bc she's out of breath, knees groaning, heart pounding and shoes creaking... or admjtting honestly, that yes, she has a problem. but. but.. but.. no buts. |
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REDQUEEN New Member 
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Wow, what a powerful post. I can totally identify with you. If I had a penny for every early morning regrouping and recovery plan I had ever planned out, I would be a millionaire! I know how you feel, please keep me posted, I have some writings myself. . .maybe we can share. Take care my new friend. REDQUEEN  |
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irene983 New Member
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I also can identify with your story, it is hard but we have to try to change. |
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stvincent New Member 
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im in recovery from COE if you need anyone to chat with who can relate feel free to message me. |
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REDQUEEN New Member
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StVincent, Hang in there! I can imagine what you are going through. . . at least you have taken the first few steps! I would love to hear your story. Take care my friend, REDQUEEN |
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stvincent New Member
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REDQUEEN wrote: StVincent, i started a diary on here to explain more about me.  |
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calotrenpamela New Member
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I know its difficult. Every time I eat something with a high calorie value, I convince myself that I will not do so from tomorrow but that day never comes. I keep eating and thinking that I need to eat for today and I will not do so from tomorrow. |
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stvincent New Member
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calotrenpamela wrote: I know its difficult. Every time I eat something with a high calorie value, I convince myself that I will not do so from tomorrow but that day never comes. I keep eating and thinking that I need to eat for today and I will not do so from tomorrow. yes i feel the same as well. i tell myself i can start fresh the next day but i know it doesnt change. |
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alcestis New Member
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thanks. i eat myself into oblivion normally. blessed and priceless is the day/night i don't. being on holiday helps so much more though. wow - it's a real aid. the stress of work and teaching really pushes me to binge. |
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blondie30 New Member
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Hi i have just found your posting. I can relate to this but probably more. I am obsessed with food and being sick, then it starts all over again. Sounds discusting but .......it is, and it is my life. been bulimic since I was 16 now 31. . Have just heard about HGC injections, am going to try this. Have you done this. |
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REDQUEEN New Member
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Hi Alcestis and Blondie, I have never heard about the HCG injections that you speak of. Can you please explain this to me? I am struggling with all this myself, in fact this morning I feel like I have been sucker punched from my bad behavior last night. I was just thinking on my way into work of what trigger that started the binge/purge last night. . . it was stress for sure. Hopefully, we can help each other along the road to recovery! Your New Friend, REDQUEEN |
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katelyn New Member
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WOW, nice journal. Hang in there. You will make it. If you need a weight loss buddies, pm me. Will be there to assist. Thank you. |
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alcestis New Member
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it's 2.30pm, she's home from work and very tired. hands trembling she reminds herself that strawberries are all that's needed to reduce the shaking. really she should go to bed and sleep off the edge, but there's a day to be lived and she has to go and buy food for the party she's hosting the next day. she makes her way up the street gliding on unseen air. she wants to raise her hands above her head and float away. someone phones, his misplaced word, her tears after. unusual for her. the normal friday meltdown starts. end of the week, end of her tether. before she knows it, she's mindlessly walked back and forth from the kitchen enough times to empty two boxes of oat biscuits [or whatever it is, depending on the week]. before she knows it, the food she buys for the party has already been opened and she doesn't actually know what she's putting in her mouth, but her jaw is busy and therefore she is in action - the day is not being lost! at first she'd thought that having some food would lassoo her to the ground, stop her floating through the ether, evanescing into a puddle of black oil. the sheer weight of the food would act as an anchor roped to her stomach, a plumb line to the ground. her centre of gravity would be reasserted. and it was. for all of 5 chews. and then her mind was lobotomised. having 300g of caramalised popcorn wasn't an act of kindness to herself. or anyone else for that matter; they have to look at her. she'd purge but she knows she wouldn't be that successful and there's that pain she gets in her insides for a day or so afterwards. it's time for a nap, but this time she's going into the sheets a dirtier, polluted woman, with the edge and prickle of static heat from the thousands of calories. as she furiously tries to push the stain of it from her mind, she thinks of the meal she is obliged to attend tonight and the gathering she purchased all the food for. she's a food addict - i mean, we all have our achilles' heel, right? why did she offer to do this and have all this food around? no one asked it of her. just like noone asked her to respond to life through a carbohydrate haze. sleep time. Last edited on 11 September 2009 05:20 pm by alcestis |
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sunnygirl2291 New Member
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Hi everyone, This is my first post. I have struggled with an eating disorder for a very long time. I hate it with a passion. Sometimes I will eat thousands and thousands of calories just to make myself sick. The food doesnt even taste good. It is just pain. When I read ur post, I feel ur pain. I understand what u are going through. Its weird because I write about it alot, but its weird now writing it for others to see. Because it is such a private shameful thing. I feel that by talking about it and blogging might help. Today- a painfully numb day- (sry for the writing in 3rd person- i have trouble still saying I) She takes a shower- starts off her day good. then she doesnt know what happens. Shes got so much going for her- so much to do. Shes a premed student with top grades, leadership positions, research, and physician shadowing. Theres so much to do. She feels pressure. Shes trying so hard to be heathier each day. Running, tennis is her passion. She lives for it. But on this saturday, she is lost. She is alone. Consumes herself, looses herself to an obnoxious evil. Eating enormous amounts of food until she can't breathe and she feels uterly nauseous. She is numb and all too familar with this evil. She can't focus on ANYTHING now. Everything is out of control- even though she felt she had so little control over her life before. Now, though, it is just plain chaos. She is sad, feeling helpless. just watching the time go by, so that she can move on and get better. She wonders how she can loose control? How this can happen?? How can she make it better? She feels so weak. So alone. So very alone and scared. And pathetic. She hates this. Hates this thing, where she kills herself with food. The food- really what is it? So its a piece of cake- a bowl of cereal- that palliates her anxiety- silences it- like a drug, only to double those feelings when the high comes off. She wants it to stop. She wants to have control of her life, her body. It is getting better. Freshman year, she truly killed herself everyday- day after day- all day. there was nothing in her life except food. How she made straight A's is beyond me. But now, she is helping herself get better. She hates this vicious cycle of binging and starving with the occasional purge, and each day she helps herself get healthier and get better. It is hard. It is a challenge to say the least. But one day at a time. And she certainly has her goals. For all the bloggers out there that are struggling with something like this, I pray for you. I believe that you can do anything you want to do. I truly believe that. If you don't like killing yourself- to the pit of your core- to the point where you want to cry, but you can't- if you hate what you see when you look in the mirror- hate how you are consuming urself with food that is just leaves you with empitness, you CAN CHANGE. YOU ARE STRONG. Help yourself get better each day. Some of my tips that may help you: 1. Its simple, eat 3 lite and healthy meals each day plus a snack 2. Exercise each day (depending on ur fitness level) i ran and played tennis my whole life, so this is something I love and try to do everyday 3. Only keep a few things in ur kitchen- healthy things! for me, that means i can't have any granola, yogurt, oatmeal, or milk cuz its a trigger for me. as hard is it is not to have it, it is SOO worth it. 4. Stay out of ur house. GOOD luck to all of u, and may god be with us. Be who you want to be. You only live once. |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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okay, i don´t know why I read these comments, they bring me to tears, I´m about to cry in my herbal tea. But I do know why I read them, because they comfort me, I like to know that there are others out there with problems it´s not just me. I hate making love with my boyfriend because when I look down all I can see is my belly, big and bloated wobbling about, and he can see it too, and it doesn´t make me feel sexy, it makes me feel like a fat cow, i hate it, so why am I still thinking about food??? I don´t have bulimia, because I can´t make myself sick, it scares me, and I have thought about starving myself but I can´t do it, yesterday I tried to skip dinner, by tea time my belly was hurting and I started feeling sick, I got big pains in my belly and I felt faint, it´s so pathetic. My head hurt and all i could think about was food. Even though I had a healthy tea straight after it I started thinking about chocolate, icecream...and eventually I went and ate an icecream. |
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BJD74 Senior Member 
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WOW POWERFUL STORIES! THANKS TO ALL FOR SHARING SUCH PRIVATE FEELINGS. LETS ADD TO THIS WITH SOME OF MY LIFE SHALL WE? IMAGINE FEELING THE THINGS WE DO IN THESE POSTS WHILE HAVING A LOVING, TENDER, TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU HUSBAND WHO FEELS THAT YOU DONT NEED TO BE DIETING AT ALL BECAUSE YOU ARENT FAT, UGLY, OUT OF SHAPE, ETC. EVERYTIME YOU HAVE A WEAK MOMENT, OR YOU ARE STRAINED OVER SOMETHING YOU CANT CONTROL, YOU EAT 6 OREOS AND NOT JUST THE ONE YOU PROMISED YOURSELF, YOU HIDE IN THE KITCHEN INSTEAD OF SITTING DOWN AND ENJOYING THEM. YOU PRACTICALLY SUCK THEM DOWN, BARELY ALLOWING YOURSELF TO CHEW EACH BITE....HECK, A BITE FOR ME IS THE WHOLE COOKIE. OR ANOTHER MOMENT IS THIS: ITS JUST AFTER DINNER, BETWEEN 7-9PM AND YOU ARE RELAXING ENJOYING SOME TV, YOU ATE GOOD ALL DAY, MADE A HEALTHY DINNER AND ITS TIME FOR NITE SNACK. INSTEAD OF ENJOYING SOMETHING HEALTHY LIKE AN APPLE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE POPCORN...{.AND WHILE ITS POPPING YOU GO FOR MORE COOKIES (IN SECRET IN THE DARK KITCHEN, AS IF HE CANT HEAR THE BAG BEING OPENED), THEN GO THE LAUNDRY ROOM {WHERE YOU TELL YOURSELF THE CANDY FOR HIS LUNCH WILL BE OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND} AND SCARF DOWN A FUN SIZE BABY RUTH BEFORE YOU EVEN GET BACK TO THE KITCHEN TO HAVE THE ORIGINAL SNACK PLAN WHICH WAS THE POPCORN THAT HASNT EVEN FINISHED POPPING....ALL THOSE USELESS CALORIES CONSUMED IN SECRET, IN LESS THAN THE 3MIN IT TAKES TO MAKE A BAG OF POPCORN. AND THAT ISN'T THE HALF OF IT. THEN THERE MAY BE THE SUGAR FREE COCOA THAT YOU HAVE TO MEASURE BY THE SPOON (BIG MISTAKE TO BUY THE BUCKET AND NOT PACKETS)....WITH A DOLLOP OF WHIP CREAM (2 TBSP IS 25CAL.).....A NICE SWEET TREAT THAT IS CAPABLE OF BEING LESS THAN 125 CALORIES.....BUT AS THE WATER IS BOILING YOU STAND AT THE STOVE SCOOPING THE WHIP CREAM OUT OF THE BUCKET THEREBY CONSUMING ANOTHER 50-100 CALORIES WITHOUT TRYING. THEN THERE ARE THE DAYS THAT YOU TELL YOURSELF YOU WILL DO A LIGHT DAY, MAYBE USE DRINK SUPPLEMENTS INSTEAD OF EATING, YOUR IDEA OF A LIQUID FAST....ONLY TO HIT MID AFTERNOON AND DECIDE YOU MUST EAT (HEADACHE HAS SET IN, OR YOU GET SOME NEWS THAT BOTHERS YOU, DOESNT TAKE MUCH TO SET IT OFF)....SO YOU GRAB CEREAL AND DUMP OUT 3 CUPS, WITH MAYBE A CUP OF 2% MILK AND EAT IT IN A FRENZY OF HUNGER, THEN AFTER THAT ITS A "LEFTOVERS" BINGE OR MAYBE CRACKERS OR WORSE SOMETHING THAT I DONT EVEN ENJOY LIKE MUFFINS THAT I BAKE FOR MY HUBBY OR CHIPS THAT I REALLY JUST DONT CARE FOR....THE IDEA BEING THAT I JUST HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING, ANYTHING TO FILL SOME CRAVING THAT I CAN IDENTIFY. ALL OF THIS JUST BEFORE DINNER, WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD FOR ME, HAD I NOT JUST EATEN ALL THOSE USELESS UNEEDED CALORIES JUST NOW.... THESE ARE ALL DIFFERENT MOMENTS IN MY LIFE. I HAVE GRADUATED FROM TRIPS TO THE FAST FOOD JOINTS THANKFULLY. I USED TO WORK ALOT AND FAILED TO EAT RIGHT, AND SOME DAYS I WOULD STOP AT MCD'S, THEN OFF TO TACO BELL, THEN MAYBE PIZZA HUT...GRAB N GO AND THEN PICK AND CHOOSE WHAT I NEEDED OUT OF ALL THE CHOICES I MADE. at least i DONT do that anymore.... NOW, I AM AN AT HOME MOM. I LOVE IT. I AM RARELY BORED OR WITHOUT THINGS TO DO BUT I GET EMOTIONAL EASILY, I TAKE TOO MUCH ON INTERNALLY AND TRY TO MAKE ALL THOSE AROUND ME HAPPY; THEREBY STEALING MY OWN HAPPINESS BY STRESSING WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THEM, PUTTING IT ON MY SHOULDERS AND MAKING IT MY RESPONSIBILTY TO FIX...WHICH OFTEN IS NOT REALLY IN MY CONTROL.....AND THIS CAUSES ME TO EAT.....EAT....EAT.....EAT.... SOME DAYS ARE WONDERFULLY PERFECT.....BUT OTHER DAYS REALLY TAKE ME AND BEAT ME DOWN. I HAVE GROWN ALOT SINCE LAST NOVEMBER, AND EVERYONE AROUND ME SEES ME AS "THIN"..... BETTER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN...WHICH IS TRUE! MY TROUBLE IS WHEN I TRY TO SHARE THESE EMOTIONS I SHARE TODAY, I FEEL VERY ALONE BECAUSE NO ONE THINKS I NEED TO HIDE WHEN OR WHAT I EAT....BECAUSE IDEALLY, LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE DONE! I AM DOING SOMETHING RIGHT, HOW CAN I STILL HAVE THESE FOOD ISSUES AND LOSE WEIGHT LIKE I HAVE?? I STILL DONT HAVE AN ANSWER FOR THEM, OR FOR ME....UNWILLINGNESS TO QUIT AND POSSIBLLY OBSESSION? I PRAY I WILL FIGURE IT OUT! :) THANKS FOR LISTENING.. :) IT FEELS GREAT TO SHARE MY INNERMOST ANGERS ABOUT THE TERRIBLE THINGS I DO TO MYSELF....MAYBE IT WILL MAKE ME STRONGER.. :) |
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REDQUEEN New Member
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Wow! I know exactly how you feel, heck I could have written it word for word. I have the same problem. . . do very well all day, but do the binge/purge at night. It is emotional with me. Lonely feelings, bored feelings, or maybe a feeling that "nice girls" shouldn't feel. . . instead of feeling the feelings, and dealing with them. . . I end up eating so I distract myself from having to deal with any unpleasant emotional junk. How sick is that? Thank you for sharing your most private thoughts. I truly believe that it helps each of us to know that we are not alone. REDQUEEN |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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thank you redqueen...here is to a strong day for all of us!!! amen. :) |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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I totally undertand what you are all going through because I´m the same- but my boyfriend doesn´t see me as a thin girl, he always jokes about my extra wide hips and big bum, he said I need two hands to grab one cheek of your butt and my previous girlfriends´ whole bum only needed one hand. That makes me feel sick.... When we finish out evening meal I go to wash the dishes but once I enter the kitchen I eat whatever is in site, his mum always buys choccies so there I go, munching them down, and then I eat the left over chips that he didnt finish instead or throwing them away, then I grab something to eat only to feel empty again, and hungry.... Even if i am munching away a yogourt, an orange, a bit of cheese or cereal I am still thinking about chocolate, ice cream.... mcflurry!!!!!! Yesterday I made my bf take me to mc donalds at 11 o clock at night, I ate the whole thing so quickly and I felt like a junkie that needed her fix, my fix of icecream....its so pathetic... If I could just control the eating I might lose a bit of weight, during the day I try to eat healthy and I ate a lot of weetabix (fiber is supposed to be good for weight loss) but then when the night comes I just purge.... sometimes I do it in front of my bf and other times I do it hidden away in the kitchen. I wish there was some magical pill that would take my appetite away, but the doctors wont prescribe me anything, they same I´m at a healthy weight..... what the #%@&! do they know? I dont want to be at a healthy weight, I want to be thin, not stick thin but I want to be able to jump without all the flab moving.....yuch! A horrible thing is the pain I get in my belly when I get those craving late at night, It actually really really hurts me, I asked the doctor and she said when you get these pains you musn´t eat, you should eat maybe a yogourt or something very small and she said to eat slowly............yeah......slowly......easy for her to say |
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Sylphide New Member 
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Dr Oz just had a guest "Lisa" who was a secret binge eater. Every word this beautiful (though obese) woman said, spoke to me. Lisa was told to eat a few of her binge foods every evening as a snack to get past the feeling that this was her last chance at cake or cookies or whatever.. Dr Oz believes that by teaching ourselves that we can stop at just one normal portion, we will gain a feeling of control over these foods. I believe him in theory, but like Lisa, I actually started to cry at the thought of being home alone with food and stopping at one small serving. There is a saying: What we cannot moderate we must eliminate. I think that applies to me. I can give up sweets entirely and stay off for literally years, but if I decide to give myself a day off, like I did last Easter, that "day" lasts and lasts. I'm still binging nightly and I've gained about 40 pounds. I never purge, I just binge. Dr Oz also suggested we write down what we're feeling when we binge. I know what I'm feeling -- anger. I appreciate the honesty on this thread so much. May we all keep checking in to encourage each other. Last edited on 10 October 2009 06:30 pm by Sylphide |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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hello ladies...:) i really enjoy and feel so much better reading other comments about your situations at home, either alone or with partners. i am happy to report that yesterday i had a successful no binge day. i made it thru the entire day without any snacking, i worked out, i had a healthy lunch and had a wonderful healthy dinner followed by a measured cup of cocoa, and a half cup of trail mix that was cashews, almonds, pineapple, banana and a few raisins and peanuts. i dont care for peanuts and raisins too much because of the super sweet and super salty....so those went to the dogs who loved them. :) today i do have a horrible headache, but i have been outside mowing lawns and getting plenty of exercise. i havent had anything except beef jerky with red chile on it (its homemade from a friend of ours, its very lean and very hot!!!!) a piece of meunster cheese, a cup of coffee and my supplement drink that tastes like fruit punch and has only 7 calories. I was also down a pd today which really feels good because i know how hard i worked yesterday to be a good girl. oh the cookies, the toast, the popcorn etc...its all there in my head, only i am forcing it away because its all carbs and its deadly for me. if i have to have it i am going to make my best effort to have it during the day when i am more likely to burn it off. we can do this girls. you all know we can do it. beatles...your bf is a butt for telling you his ex has a smaller arse...that is totally uncool. i really am blessed that i have a husband who feels the world begins and ends in my beauty (even if i am doubtful of my own real beauty from within)...i pray that all of you find one like mine....because there is nothing else nicer than hearing how beautiful you are, even on your fat days when you cant eat anything right. i believe it can happen for all of us, when we least expect it because it has happened to me....it just took too many frogs to find my king.....the ones before him all talked down to me about my body, my arms, my middle etcetcetc.....broke my spirit and drove me to eat and eat and eat....then cry and doubt myself and them...and the viscious cycle just keeps going. At least now if i do binge i know its all because of my own hangups, my own horrible cravings, my own self induced stress etc....not because of my partner. THANK GOD. Be strong!!!! You are here because you want to change.....you can do it, one day at a time...i just did one day....now if i can just do two! then 3 then 4..... :) i cant cave!!!! |
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REDQUEEN New Member
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Hi everyone, I totally agree with BJD; I am so glad that we are here together. I wish that I could report that I did well last night, but I failed. On the bright side, I didn't fail as much as usual! It really helps me to be stronger because I think of you all going through the same feelings, thoughts, and emotions as me. I have got to think of something distracting so I can avoid the binge/purge. I really think that part of my problem is habit, do any of you get that feeling? Do you guys have any suggestions that we might try to get through one evening and night without messing up? Maybe we can help each other. How did you do it BJD? Your friend, REDQUEEN |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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hey redqueen....hmmm, how did i do it? well, i wasnt down and out or stressed about anything. i made myself orange roughy with green beans and an orange for dinner (with a mt dew even because i had been so light thru the day) and since it was early i decided to have my cocoa at around 730. We were watching Modern Family and it was cracking us up something terrible...we went back and watched the son in law get slapped by the plane like 4 times and were crying with laughter...sick, i know..but you had to see it. dont get me wrong guys, i thought about those cookies but i said to D outloud that i wasnt going to have any cookies tonite...that i wasnt going to snack tonite...and to keep me in check.... i drank my cocoa slowly. i did have dessert, i made us homemade flan, that is like a mexican custard with a caramel sauce on the bottom on the dish. i put nutmeg in it and a little bit of honey because the caramel is scarce! i made 4 bowls, 1 cup each. I had mine slowly, just after dinner. after that i had my cocoa! i am jumping around, sorry! :) i did get a munchy moment, stared into the cabinet and fridge and argued with myself silently and finally had my trail mix, but i poured it into a cup and picked out what i wanted. D did remind me of what i said and i said no cookies! no bad snacks! and he said, ok, as long as i reminded you....lol... then we got into 16 blocks, a movie with bruce willis and it was so exciting all i could do was drink my gatorade 32oz bottle of water! (i am making myself drink at least 64 oz of water a day.....)it was 1030 when we went to sleep! That is not normal, we are usually in bed or getting ready by 945...so that movie sucked us in. i dont know what kept me from binging. maybe it was my own head and my willpower to behave, or the healthy lite meal i had, or the fact that i wasnt stressed about anything in particular, that we just relaxed and enjoyed some tv, it could and probably is a little of all the above. I dont want to fail anymore. I dont want to be out of control anymore. I want to have the power to choose to eat, when i am hungry and need something to fill my tummy. I have to think sooo hard truth be told because it is easy to just tell myself i will workout enough to get it burned off...but that was what got my 3 pds back on that i had lost in the last few weeks. I am in the Halloween Challenge and I was at 155 ( my goal for the challenge)...by some miracle and then i got lazy thinking since i was working out so much i could slack and add some foods in....mostly bad carbs...and i shot up to 160 in a week! ITS THAT EASY for ME! I hate it. I dont get it short of having my condition that causes me to put it on so easily and makes it soo hard to lose. Planning what i am going to eat seems to help some. I selected the lunch well before i was ready to eat it, then got busy and ate later than planned. Planned dinner around 3pm so i knew what we were having. If i think ahead, i seem to do better in the day and as long as things dont go arwy in the evening between me, d and the baby girl then i think i can get thru each day, one day at a time. I just have to make my head be the weak one and my will be the stronger one. Today is good so far, one step at a time. I need to eat now that i did all that work outside. I did it just in time too, we just had a little rain! :) May it rain the rest of the day! Just keep talking ladies...that is helping me for sure!!! the more we share the less alone we feel! :) hugs to everyone!!!! |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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HEY GUYS, WELL LAST NITE I DIDNT MAKE IT. D CAME HOME, AND WE GOT TO TALKING ABOUT HIS SISTER AND HER HUBBY (THEY ARE GOIN THRU A HARD TIME RIGHT NOW) AND THAT OF COURSE TOOK US TO OUR SITUATION WITH MJ AND HOW SHE AND D ARE HAVING A HARD TIME TOGETHER LEARNING HOW TO RESPECT, LISTEN, LOVE ETC...MJ IS VERY CLOSE TO MY DAD AND SOMETIMES IT HURTS D ALOT WHEN SHE COMES HOME AND ISNT VERY OPEN AND CLOSE WITH HIM FOR A FEW DAYS AFTER...AND SOMETIMES ITS OK AND SOMETIMES IT BOTHERS D IMMENSELY AND I TAKE THE BRUNT... SO, DIGRESSING BUT NEEDED TO LET YOU KNOW THE BACKGROUND. SO, WE KNOW I AM A STRESS EATER AND WELL, I STARTED TO GET A LITTLE DEFENSIVE BECAUSE D IS STILL BEHAVING A LITTLE CHILDISH IN MY OPINION, BUT I CANT SEEM TO GET THAT OUT WHEN HE STARTS TALKING ABOUT HOW HARD HE TRIES AND WHEN SHE ISNT INTERESTED IN A HUG BUT RUNS TO HER ROOM INSTEAD OR THE TV IS MORE IMPORTANT ETC....WELL, I THINK HE NEEDS TO GO WITH HER, SIT DOWN AND SHARE THAT TIME WITH HER, BUT WELL, HE DOESNT THINK SO. SHE IS ONLY 4. ITS NOT SOMETHING I CAN FIX. I HAVE TO LET IT BE. I HAVE TO KEEP HER IN CHECK, AND ALWAYS ITS NOT HAPPY WITH US ALL THE TIME EITHER, I SPENT MY TIME WITH HER DAY IN AND OUT, HE SEES HER AT NITE, THEN ITS BRIEF CUZ ITS DINNER, BATH THEN BED FOR HER...SO THEY DONT HAVE A LOT OF TIME..BUT HE ISNT INTO DOING THAT FOR HER RIGHT NOW...I STILL DONT GET EXACTLY WHY, HE SAIS ITS NOT ABOUT HIS PAST...BUT WHO KNOWS FOR SURE? IN TURN, I CLOSE DOWN TO HIM WHEN THEY ARENT ON GOOD TERMS, I TAKE IT ALL AND INTERNALIZE IT, MAKE MYSELF RESPONSIBLE FOR HER ACTIONS, WHICH I AM NOT..I DONT THINK?! ANYWAY, LAST NITE, I PANICKED AND GOT DEFENSIVE (KNOWING THAT SATURDAY NITE WILL BE A CHALLENGE BETWEEN THEM SINCE ITS BEEN JUST OVER A WEEK THAT SHE HAS BEEN WITH MY FOLKS AND WE WILL BE BRINGING HER HOME WITH US, THAT WILL BE A SHOW OF TEARS NO DOUBT..WHICH I GET, IT HURTS BUT I GET IT...AND D DOESNT HAVE PATIENCE TO DEAL WITH IT, LORD LET IT GO OK PLEASE!).....AND I WENT RIGHT TO THE COOKIES. I HAD AN OREO, THEN I RAN INTO THE LAUNDRY ROOM AND GRABBED A BABY RUTH, MAYBE EVEN HAD TWO, IT WAS SO FAST I DONT EVEN KNOW FOR SURE.... (THERE IS ONLY ONE LEFT THAT I PUT INTO D'S LUNCH TODAY) AND THEN I MADE MY POPCORN AND THEN WENT FOR ANOTHER CUP OF COCOA....THAT COCOA IS NOW GONE TOO. SO, IN TOTAL FOR YESTERDAY I HAD: 2 CUPS OF SUGAR FREE COCOA WITH WHIPPING CREAM (1 IN AFTERNOON, 1 AFTER DINNER AROUND 8PM) 2-3 FUN SIZE BABY RUTHS (1 IN AFTERNOON AND 1 (MAYBE 2... AFTER DINNER) 2 OREO COOKIES (1 AFTER DINNER, THEN ANOTHER WHEN MAKING POPCORN AT AROUND 930PM) 3 CUPS OF EXTRA BUTTER POPCORN (930PM) 1 EXTRA TORTILLA WHILE MAKING OUR BREAKFAST BURRITOS FOR DINNER LAST NITE, IN SECRET AND QUICKLY, PRACTICALLY NOT TASTING IT OR WANTING IT, BUT ATE IT ANYWAY. IN SHORT, WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD DAY FOR ME FOOD WISE WAS SHOT TO ALL HELL BY THAT HEATED DISCUSSION THAT WASNT EVEN REALLY EVER ABOUT US....IT JUST ALWAYS SEEMS TO GRAVITATE TO THE SITUATION BETWEEN HIM AND MJ AND HOW I REACT TO IT..I DONT KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENS EXCEPT THAT I STILL NEED TO JUSTIFY MY DISTANCING WITH HIM AND HE STILL SAIS THERE WILL ALWAYS BE EXCUSES FOR MY DISTANCE..WHETHER ITS TIRED, HEADACHE, MJ, DEPRESSED, ETCETCETC..... ITS ALWAYS SOMETHING. NO MATTER WHAT, ISSUES OF OUR PAST WILL ALWAYS HAUNT US. I DONT KNOW HOW THEY EVER GO AWAY. ITS A SAD TRUTH THAT I DONT KNOW HOW TO ACCEPT OR GET AROUND OR GET OVER ALOT OF MY PAST PAINS AND OVERJUSTIFYING EVERYTHING..... MY PAST HAUNTS ME WITH FEAR THAT MJ WILL PUSH HIM AWAY AND I WILL SHUT HIM DOWN BECAUSE I DONT FEEL HE HAS ANY LOVE TO GIVE HER AFTER BEING HURT BY PAST MARRIAGES, KIDS ETC AND MY INABILITY TO STOP TAKING EVERYTHING PERSONALLY. THERE YOU HAVE IT GUYS, ONE GOOD DAY AND WELL, ONE BAD DAY....WHAT WILL TODAY BRING???? SORRY TO GO ON AND ON....I JUST NEED TO SHARE BECAUSE SOME DAYS I FEEL TOTALLY ALONE IN MY FEELINGS. I BURY SOO MUCH PAIN AND WORRY. I HAVE TO GET TO THE STORE FOR A FEW THINGS, AND I PRAY I HAVE THE WILLPOWER TO STICK TO MY LIST AND NOT GET ANYTHING ADDITIONAL OR IT WILL BE ANOTHER TOUGH NITE OF WHERED ALL THE MONEY GO WE JUST GOT PAID TODAY??! OK, GOTTA RUN, THANKS AGAIN FOR BEING HERE LADIES..ITS GONNA GET ME THRU THE DAY TODAY...  |
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Lporzadek New Member
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Hi Sylphide, Thank you for the kind words about the Dr. Oz Show. The last 90 days have been like a roller coaster. i can appreciate your comments regarding the advice given to me regarding Binge eating. We all have our trigger points for recovery and mine was my child. I have unconsiously eaten for over thirty years, so this journey has been difficult to start. I was desparate to find help and have someone tell me why I do what I do. Do I recommend National TV for an outlet or resource of help probably not. The aniexty associated with this has been great. But the benefit of regaining control of my life is priceless. After leaving the show, I still struggle with binge eating. However, I have been in therapy with a amazing person Judith Banker (Founder) of the Center for Eating Disorders in Ann Arbor, Michigan. She is has changed my life. She has given me a gift I couldn't imagine of giving myself. She has help me to uncover the emotions involved in my eating disorder that I haven't addressed since a child. Am I cured? No! I will battle with food issues the rest of my life. please feel free to contact me. http://iamabingeeater.blogspot.com Lisa |
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Sylphide New Member
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Hi Lisa! How nice of you to log on here to talk to us. I'm really happy for you that you're getting a handle on this problem. If we dig deep enough, I imagine that many of us would find that our binging is an attempt to comfort ourselves over hurts we felt in childhood. ETA: Lisa, I read your blog and enjoyed all your insight, but I couldn't leave a comment -- Google wouldn't let me. I wrote an entire short book on my google blog and then one day I could never find it again. That's me, internet genius.--------------------------- Okay everybody where are you? No running off just because you don't have good news. Maybe if we keep ranting we'll get it all off our chests. I'm still binging but I plan to come here and face myself about it every few days or so, at least for a while. This morning I weighed 191. I did walk before breakfast. Then I had pancakes.  Last edited on 10 October 2009 06:36 pm by Sylphide |
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Lporzadek New Member
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Hi Sylphide, Thanks for reading my blog. I find blogging is a avenue to vent and reaffirm. Let's stay in contact and support each other on our recovery from this disorder. I look forward to chatting. Feel free to contact me via email Porzadek @ comcast.net |
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Sylphide New Member
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Thanks a lot for offering, Lisa, but I can't go th e-mail route -- not enough privacy on this end. I plan to be around this site more, though. I'm going to get back to my diary on the diary page since there doesn't seem to be as much interest in this thread as I had hoped. Stop over there anytime, anyone! |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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i dont know if i really agree with the thought that there isnt very much interest in this thread. i hope that you all realize how difficult it is for MOST to admit they have a real challenging problem with overeating, bingeing, etc. i imagine that alot of folks on this site will read the comments and feel shy or embarrased to admit that they may be like us. I have been on this site for just under a year and though i may admit to many of my faults in my diary, i just now got the balls to come onto the threads here and share my feelings that i dont share with anyone else. Noone wants to admit they are in trouble, its always an excuse one after the other but we have to find a way to battle it somehow. I cant afford to see a therapist to help me uncover why i may be the way i am, surely i have shared my feelings of worry with others, but often am told i am just like everyone else, that we all love to eat! Ya, well, not to the point of almost gagging because you have to eat it so fast wihtout even taking a breath. This site has gotten me to open up considerably with complete strangers and I do use this thread and i do make myself more accountable each time i come back here to share my recent downfalls. And everytime someone responds with understanding, i am spurred on to keep pluggin ahead to not give up.... by communicating with other folks thru the other threads in challenges I can tell you that there are alot of others out there who stuggle with late nite bingeing, afternoons where the cookies call to them endlessly, overeating or worse over exercising to the point of exhaustion because they want to please others who feel that they arent good enough, there are plenty of others who can relate to this thread, and I for one will not stop using it now that I have found it. I need support badly because I am not as out in the world as others are in a work environment, I am an at home mom, struggling to raise my 4 yr old right, keep my husband content with his food likes, and get him out the door daily with all he needs to sustain...(which is exactly the opposite of what i should eat) and I struggle daily wiht those moments of anxiety over whether i am a good enough wife, mom, daughter, person in my own ways that i have my own identity outside of my trouble with weight loss and food. Those two items seem to be the things i invest my time in, and they always allude me, leaving me with feelings of shame, upset, disappointment, anger, esp at myself for letting them win the game yet again, even though i put a hard hour of sweating and working out into the day, logged my foods all day etc, that still seem to win. Somedays it just seems that i am doing it all for nothing, even though i have lost over 30 pds, i feel sometimes like the weight and the effort it takes to lose, to find what makes my mind content, the constant diary updates, the tracking of endless numbers, the time to workout, just all seem to exhaust me instead of motivate me, esp when i step on the scale, or allow myself to splurge and have a nice evening out wiht my family eating at a nice restaurant and i see a gain. It means simply that I cant ever have a "normal" life like many others out there. That is a hard nut to swallow because all of this effort for me has been to be just that ...normal. BUt I never will be. sorry if i ranted, i think i just took that little comment too personally as if the few who are here sharing arent enough to encourage you to keep trying.....but perhaps the rest of us can at least encourage each other with our stories of pain, struggle and triumpth. i hope that you can find that place where you may share and feel that you are finding the response that you need because it is out there, somewhere in this forum. as for me, this weekend wasnt that bad, short of the saturday dinner we had at the family gathering. We met at our, my favorite pizza place and though i was a super good girl all day, i still had too much. Each bite of that hot cheesy pizza was like heaven. It has been over 2 years since i had their pizza and i made the effort to enjoy it till i couldnt anymore, while still trying not to overeat. In the end i think I had 4-5 pieces over the period of time there, also had a nice salad with red vinegar and oil, and of course i had a coke. I didnt want alcohol. I came home not feeling overfull, probably because there was space between pieces and i hadnt eaten alot all day. I tried not to feel badly because it was such a treat. But I also didnt step on the scale yesterday morning because i was afraid of the number i would see. Yesterday was a good day, worked outside in the yard for over 2 hours and had a sensible lunch. For dinner however, D wanted pancakes and bacon....i was too tired to try to make us each something different so i conceded and had that too....i had 3 pancakes and 2 slices of bacon. For my evening snack, i had almonds and walnuts and a mug of my diet cocoa. I didnt do horribly bad, but to my mind i overate. I had more pancakes than needed. I shouldnt have had that many, but if i hadnt had a full meal, i would have eaten even more afterwards. Its so hard. Today i got on the scale and there was 160 all over again. I was 158 on friday. Now, instead of trying to eat sensible and workout and get back on track, i am either wanting to just give up again or starve to make it disappear.......both bad, both unhealthy..... so, i tried to outsmart my own head instead and i had a packet of sugar free oatmeal with a drop of butter and milk and cinnamon, with a small valencia orange and a cup of coffee. I will do my best to do right and not hurt myself today. thanks for listening, please dont stop checking here, i assure you that your comments and posts are being read...they just dont all have the courage to speak up yet. Its not easy to admit how much we can hurt ourselves. |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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Okay, so yesterday was a bad day, all afternoon and most of the night was spent rowing with my bf, and I didnt eat hardly anything all day, so my bf got mad because I hadnt ate anything and forced me to eat pizza, I said like a thousand times that I didnt want pizza but in the end I ate two slices just to shut him up. Today I have had cranberry juice, a croissant, a coffee, fish and salad, an apple, red tea and three cheesy bread thingies, but I still have to have tea, and then the worst thing is after tea, in those couple of hours, those horrible couple of hours that I spend torturing myself over food, I always end up eating something , I just cant help it. My boyfriend spotted my problem out (even though I am well aware of my problem) he said "your problem is that you do kinda good all day long then you have tea and after tea you spend all night with food in your mouth". =S So my problem is sooo obvious. It truely is the worst feeling when you go into the kitchen and see something you want to eat, you look down at your huge belly or thighs and cringe, but eat anyway. And even if you do manage to be in control, to say no (yep just say no, like a drugs campaign, because for MOST of us food = drugs) well even if you dont eat that certain thing you will eat something else, maybe lighter calories, so you will eat more of it =S. A horrible thing that happens to me is that when I say no, and I dont eat anything, or if I just grab fruit or a small snack my belly starts to hurt, it´s weird. This is so horrible, I hate not being in control of what I put in my mouth, and as I keep saying my bf´s mum is not helping becuase shes always buying unhealthy foods which makes it harder to open the cupboard. the cupboard of doom.... sorry for going on and no, I need a solution to all of this, how can I stop my late night snacking?  |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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beatles...i am STILL trying to figure that one out!!! Your bf has an idea tho about how after you have the tea you end up eating more......i wonder if i am having that same issue with my cocoa fix after dinner? I know too, for me esp is that my hubby eats his evening snack anywhere from 7-930pm and without a miss in the beat i want to eat too...i am not sure if its hunger, or longing for the ability to eat as he does and not gain an ounce, or if its cuz i want to eat just because he is eating, so why not have the fun too? i do know, its usually NOT BECAUSE I AM HUNGRY. Sad isnt it? In truth, I wonder if I EVER really EAT WHEN HUNGRY???? its a science and honestly i was never really any good at science...lmao...so i guess that means i will always sort of struggle with it, esp since i cant seem to just accept it, or win it or overcome it.... i just have to do my best each day...but it SUCKS how many days I do as you say, open cupboard, look at the things in it..healthy and not...and think, can i just have some without goin overboard and if i do, will i hate myself after??? i usually end up hating my lack of strength after....or go and workout twice and hard to burn off the additional 300 i have added to my day that was goin ok up till then... just keep feeding this thread instead of our tummies.... lol.... hang in there beatles we can do this!!! |
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REDQUEEN New Member
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Hi Everyone! I am so glad that we have each other to share with. BJD, I am totally in agreement with you. . . we all share as we are able. I know that it is hard for others to understand our struggle. I just know that at night, when I walk into my kitchen, I think about all of you fighting the same battle that I am. You all have made a profound difference to me. Even when I mess up, which is more often than not, my slip-ups haven't been as bad as they once were. My binges are related to emotional stress. . . last night I was not very successful because of the family unrest that occurred with my sister. It is hard to believe that it is easier to turn to food instead of facing the real problem. Hang in There ladies, Your New Friend, REDQUEEN |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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REDQUEEN, Thank you very much for supporting my feelings, i wrote that and wasnt very sure of the reaction it would induce. :) I feel relief because I never ever speak up!!! AS you said, its often easier to just dive into that food than face feelings and emotions sometimes! Yesterday wasnt too bad, sunday nite i jumped on D about his comment that he wanted to eat but he never did while i went and had more nuts, hot cocoa, a half of cupcake i made for our outing saturday nite....i got upset with him! like it was his fault!?!? He mentioned he wanted to eat and i ate instead, how is that his fault? its truelly not. Its all about my lack of control! sunday nite, i had made dinner for me, but honestly it was yucky, i had gotten some imitation crab on sale at albertsons, had some before that really did taste close to crab...but this was just ick. So, i flavored it, made it better and tried...but failed to eat it...so i had a corn cob, mini size and cucumber with onion and sour cream salad...and my drink. So, of course i was still hungry, so i had 2 small bowls of rice crispy cereal, with a spoon of sugar and about 1/4 c milk...then i had 4 club crackers (wow, hadnt had in a LONG time, super salty!) and a cup of hot tea with milk and sugar. I didnt do too bad last nite...given that my dinner was a flop. I could have been worse, no doubt, but i kept you guys here in my head as you have and i think it got me over the hunger hump! TODAY I WEIGHED IN AT 157. I am amazed. All I can say is Thanks for letting me unload all my worries here and keeping me pushing ahead.....lets see what today brings!!! :) |
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Sylphide New Member
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I'm sorry I offended you BJD. When I said that I was sorry there didn't seem to be as much interest in the thread as I had hoped, there had been no posts for several days and I was afraid everyone had dropped out. By "interest" I meant people interested in posting regularly. Of course you are right that I have no way of knowing how many people are actually reading the thread. That sort of "interest" was not what I was talking about. I didn't mean it as a criticism but just an observation. That's just what often happens on message boards; a thread that seems exciting will start, but then no one ever posts again. In any case, I certainly wasn't wasn't talking about you personally when I said there seemed to be a lack of interest (in posting), because you have contributed more than anyone. I was actually hoping to encourage more people to post. I'll stay off this thread now. The last thing I want to do is make people angry. |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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oh sylphide...please dont stop sharing with us! I take way too much personally, probably because i am one of the new regular writers here on this thread. One of my downfalls is my inability to not make it about me, because i do share so much of my own struggles, which is so hard for me to do. I appreciate that anyone takes time to respond or share their feelings in any way, because its not easy to do. Please dont stop writing here, you may not get alot of feedback regarding your post in particular but just sharing keeps all of us coming back, its the connection we all need. Perhaps, you may want to start a new thread, maybe with a new title that would catch the eyes. It is totally up to you and you know we are here in this thread trying to overcome our weakest points. We all need somewhere to share. i wasnt mad, but i did take it a bit personally and i am sorry if i make you want to leave. Please dont leave. I have started posts and never gotten one response before and though i took it hard, i just had to move on and share in other similar posts. There are alot of folks on here that encounter our troubles in this thread that share in other threads...esp under challenges. Its harder maybe because things are classified by the larger titles, and i doubt that alot of folks really consider their troubles as Eating Disorders because they arent purging or anorexic etc....from my point of view, you have to kinda do some searching to find some threads, and you have to take the time. Perhaps you could put it under challenges as something like finding control in our food intake or something like that where we challenge each other to post how we do daily, how we feel daily....because to me and i bet others, this is definately a challenge. either way, best of luck, we read your comments, we are here, almost daily and with more consistent responses perhaps this thread will be more popular. I know I count on this thread to get me over my nights when eating is in abundance around my house!!!! |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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Well today so far I´ve been bad, but it´s because I woke up with a cold and thought sod it, I need to eat today and look after myself...so I´ve had quite a bit of bread adn cheese and chocolate milk, oh well....its so annoying my nose is bright red and I can´t stop sneezing, im thinking about wrapping up and taking a little walk to get some fresh air. Just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you all (everybody that has a problem with food and even to the people who have conquered their problem, if you are reading please find the courage to post and tel us how you got over it...i´m sure many of us would be pleased to hear your stories). Right now I feel like a big horrible nose running mess....oh well. Good luck for tonight (I say tonight cos thats when my munchies crawl in lol) when you do have the urge to completely eat everything in the cupboard my tip (that sometimes works and sometimes doesn´t) is to make yourself some herbal tea, eat a yogourt and a piece of fruit. (well we have to try something don´t we?xdddd) best of luck to everybody |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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awww beatles feel better! its a drag how bad the flu is setting in and its only October!!! MJ has it kinda bad too, but she is young and bounces back fast, but her nose is having its own parade, running around and all over!!! nite time and mid afternoon are the hardest for me. So far today I have blown thru my 5 mile fat burn walk, walked outside with MJ while she rode her bike and eaten really sensibly. I could eat more for lunch, but i am resisting. My folks got me some baby brie at the costco and i have an apple sliced up and its sooo very tempting to dive into the brie and have it with my apple. I already had some egg noodles with chicken tho, so i will resist! THen, in a weak stress moment (Mj isnt eating her lunch and that makes me crazy!) immed. after i finished my chicken noodles, i dove into the leftover raviolis and wolfed two cold ones down!!! Its soo easy!!! Its soo bad!!! I have to get thru the rest of the day and be good for dinner tonite then into the evening snack times. Last nite, somehow i didnt do too bad, we had cheese ravioli with homemade meat sauce and fresh homemade garlic bread. Surprisingly I didnt have a 2nd dish and i only had 1/2 of a piece of the bread!! Then, I had my diet cocoa for desert. WIERD that i didnt go crazy! D even pulled out his ice cream, his popcorn etc and i didnt eat!!! Heres to a good nite for all of us, beatles if you get out today, dress warm!!! Remember your body needs good healthy substantial foods when you are sick, i always make homemade chicken soup {celery, chicken breast, carrot, a few potatoes, green chile (helps clear the sinuses)} and cook it for hours till everything is yummy and soft. ;-} |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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hey all, ok well my day went to #%@&!. i started off super strong, then somehow i just unraveled in a BIG WAY! It was after MJ's nap that she didnt take, she wasnt listening to me, she was getting into everything and pushing my buttons in every way. The 2 days after she comes back from my folks house are always an adjustment for us. So, after my 5 mile walk, and after a good lunch....i had club crackers, walnuts and almonds, half of a chug of vitamin d chocolate milk and at 4pm i dove into the leftover cheese raviolis...ended up having almost a whole serving of those (10 raviolis for 290 cal) plus the meaty tomato sauce. I felt soo guilty that i put on the video and pushed myself thru another 2 12min miles to attempt to bring my calories for the day down to a normal number. Of course, dinner came up, D and MJ wanted pizza, so i opted to have clam chowder...(but i shouldnt have had anything but water....)....but i added some milk to it, and then i had half an apple and a serving of brie....so after i put all that into my diary, i end up with over 2300 for the day, with a good deficit for my workouts...but ideally i am supposed to stay around 1500 and then take away any workout calories....so, in total i BLEW IT BIG TIME and its not even 8pm. :( I am in for a loooong nite. I am in a miserable angry irritable mood and i am mad at myself in all ways, i dont want to be touched or loved or anything, because i dont feel worthy. I was a big piggy today and I am afraid to see the scale tomorrow. |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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BJ! Dont be to hard on yourself! At least you are doing exercise, I however am a big lazy #%@&! and havent done any type of exercise in over 2 weeks! And I´m sleeping loads, the flu is probably making me tired but I sleep and still I´m tired!!! Yesterday I was naughty, I spoke to my mm on the phone and she said you should look after yourself, have a treat....so I went for a MC FLURRY! KIT KAT! and may I say HEAVEN!!!! oh my god, when I got back I had some noodle soup and then I had chocolate mouse!! I´ve definetely gone up a few kilos, today I woke up with a horrible running nose and every time I breathe I hear this weezy horribly cough, so I did something that I read online, you boil water and sit there with a towel over your head and the steam helps you to breathe, well I suppose it helped a little bit but when you have a cold there is nothing that can stop you feeling like #%@&!, and to top it off I´m eating all the wrong foods, now for instance I´m eating a big bowl of tomato pasta... I´ve got a horrible sore on my nose too ! yuch! well tongight (I always say this but never do it) im going to load up on herbal teas, one after the other...that should stop me eating and its good to have plenty of warm liquids when you have the flu. BJ (im really #%@&! at cooking) to make chicken soup....how do I cook the chicken? And thank you for your replies and comments, It´s really nice to see that you are reading my entries. Maybe you should find some other low cal drink for the evening because you might get bored of your cup of cocca, maybe low fat strawberry milkshake or low fat ice cream. Good luck! |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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beatles....just make a big stock pot of water and dump your chicken breasts in there and let them boil or cook on medium or low until they basically fall apart. If thawed its no more than an hour or so, frozen takes maybe 2 hours, but again it depends on the temp. In fact, just throw all of it in together (veggies etc), season with salt pepper, fresh garlic if you have any (can get it in jar chopped up already), or garlic powder or garlic salt and if you cant get chilis...which i am betting you cant....then just get some chili powder, paprika or cayenne....but any sort of hot soup will help. Just to give it a little kick so it will clear your sinuses. For your nose, boil that water, and you can put salt in it as well and then steam your head. There is a sinus flush that you can buy too, my 4yr old knows how to do it! CRAZY! my mom got it for her while she was staying there, with a cold...and it drains you out totally fast. However, you will go thru like a box of tissues from all the drainage. Vicks saave is also good for your stuffy nose, you just smear a little under your nose and allow it to do its magic. Have you gotten some cold medicine? even a day time nite time blend should help you!! :) Poor thing! Feel better!! I weighed in at 157 again, so though i didnt do so good yesterday, at least i am not suffering from the gain today....hopefully today i will be a good girl..... :) hugs and feel better! |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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thank you! Yeah I´ve been carrying vicks around with me all day! haha, it didnt know it was as easy as chuck everything into water and boil! Tomorrow I will get up earlier and make some soup so it´s ready in time for dinner. I need to weigh myself as its been 3 weeks since my last weigh in, im scared that I will have gone up a few kilos but maybe it wont be so bad if I go up a bit because then I know that I will push myself harder and get back on track, and start doing some exercise. My tip for everyone is to start drinking orange juice or eating oranges as I read on the net that vitamin C helps you to not get a cold...! hahaha, yeah I´m going to wrap up warm now and go for some fresh air. Hugs! |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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wELL Today I made chicken soup! I made it with chicken, potatoes, chickpeas, peppers, onions, green veggies...well it was delicious, and there´s still some leftover for tomorrows dinner, and I can imagine that to be quite low cal? Well the only naughty thing is the potatoes xddd so in that department good.... in the bf department bad....today we went to wash our car and there was this really good looking blonde girl washing her car, and I saw my bf staring at her (he said he wasnt staring at her but wondering if she was going to take long becuase there weren´t any other vacumers) well anyway I went over and hit him on the head, He went mad at me and smacked me (very lightly, but still) and he said something that made me think a lot as I cried in the car he said "I´ts not fault that you are so insecure about yourself" then I go tthinking, do I seriously think that if I lose a bit of weight I will magically transform into some drop dead hot girl? I feel really ugly these days (I know im not ugly, im not stunning, im just normal) but I feel ugly and fat. It´s horrible. Instead of feeling fitter I´m feeling fatter, its probably becuase I´m sick and I´ve been eating and doing no exercise. I don´t know, I don´t know how I can feel so insecure about myself, It´s like I feel that every single girl in mallorca is beautifull and I´m just average. I´m telling you all here because I dont have anybody else to talk to, and if I did they would say that I´m stupid. There aren´t anyways to make myself feel better, I try putting makeup on but that doesn´t work. |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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beatles, i am sure you are a pretty young thing with a great figure but yeah you are feeling Extra bad now since you are sick. Based on your description i think you sound cute! I try not to watch my hubby, because if i do and catch him just glancing i would probably freak out....but honestly, like at concerts and stuff, we people watch together and he picks out women that i wouldnt necessarily think are :hot: or above average in my eyes. Its weird. I havent ever had that before, and I sure feel lucky. I really need to be more appreciative and less skanky, because i assure you i have my days where i just want to be single again. Its wierd to be on the other side of it now, in a happy healthy relationship. Sure, we have our issues and i am super sensitive, but we both have been hurt so badly in the past that this was our last chance to make ourselves happy....so best we dont abuse and mistreat one another with the trivial things like comparing ourselves to others who obviously we wont ever be. Being older is also helping alot. I have to remember that you all are soo much younger, and when i was in my 20s i had SOOOO MANY insecurities! Only after I had my baby girl at age 31 did i start to see that even if i was overweight to myself, that i had made a glorious beautiful baby girl so i wasnt too bad myself....lol...ironic eh? i think all that is happening here for you young ladies is that you are trying on these guys to see how well they fit, sure you love them, sure you invest time with them etcetcetc... and perhaps they arent the right ones but they are molding you to get to the one who is a good fit. Dont let them beat you down by their snide remarks or snippy comebacks.....as my hubby sais...men are pigs. lol..he honestly sais that all the time, esp when i share with him the stories i read on here about my "friends" ......but dont get me wrong, in his 20's he was a pig too....its a superficial booby butt wanting decade for men, they may as well be horny teenagers, they dont appreciate the brains and the looks can be equal just yet....all they see are TandA.....which is sad but true...and remember that all women mature sooner than men....so consider anyone 20 something to more teen something! :) lol.... dont fret. you are sick now, you will get back to your happy self when youre back on your feet. As i keep telling Once, you just have to love yourself enough to get out there on your own, or to allow him to be the man he is and let it roll off...which is really really hard and will still leave you wanting for that loving kind man who will support your every wish and attempt. These guys are just learning lessons preparing you for the right one, he is out there...i promise! :) big hug sickie!!! :) Enjoy your soup, i am very very proud of you!!!! And watch out for the mums who bring you junk, they all just want to keep us fat and happy, which is how it was back in the day when they were our age, there was a time when men appreciated that a woman would eat her whole plate and stay home taking care of the kids..... i cant tell you how many times i have tossed food that was terrible to me to the animals of our house! lol...its ok, food is dispensible....and they never have to know you didnt eat it....lol.... |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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thanks bj! well today I´m feeling even more #%@&!ty! It´s so horrible! How long can a cold go for? So I cried all morning (basically becuase I feel sick and minging! Minging is a word we use in the uk with means like horrible,ugly,disgusting,vile all in the same word) I heard my bf downstairs telling his mum that I am annoying!!!!! So I went mad at him, I´ve been eating my soup and taking medication but my face is red, under my nose and my lips are swollen and red, my head hurts, I feel like I havent slept in days, and every where I look are these stupid skinny bitches. To #%@&! with them! When I get over this cold I´m going to eat right and do exercise everyday, but until then I´m going to crawl under my bed! lol, seriously I feel like someone has punched me in the face. Bj you said that you are writing a book, thats amazing, I write also, but I normally write a few pages enthusiastically and then stop, and its weird becuase I don´t think, I just make it up as I go along, uffff heads banging, feel like I´m going to throw up, can someone give me a magic pill please!!! |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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hee hee beatles, i write books on here...i am not physically writing a book....but i really should!!! i have considered it because i am very wordy as you can see all my threads and comments...lol.... i have even looked up publishing stuff.....but just havent done it! Maybe I should??? You should see a doctor? Are you taking some cold meds? That sounds bloody awful!!! I am sorry you feel so cruddy! good news for me though, last nite i had not one snack after dinner!!! Arent i a good girl?? :) ha! only one nite!! We decided to give each other massages and that kept our hands busy! we both were in total need of relaxing....i get such horrible headaches, n the workouts just tense up muscles so easily even with stretching...ugh....and we never give each other the time that we should..there is just never enough time.... :) it was nice to spend time with each other...:) <3 feel better beatles girl......i am sorry you are so sick right now...i cant believe i havent gotten sick this year!!!!Thank goodness!! :) |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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Well my skin is a bit #%@&!ty and I still weeze from time to time and sneeze and sniff but I am feeling a lot better. I made soup again, I was more juicy this time, I think I went overboard with the water but its still a healthy meal, and its hot. I haven´t done any exercise so I´m feeling pretty fat, I need to make plans with my mate to go running or something. BJ! I´m so proud of you for not eating! I always end up eating something, last night after tea I had fanta (its diet though and has 17cals) and a chocolate bun thing with 150 cals xddddd so I´m proud of you for not eating, I should follow your example, I read somewhere that its better to go to be slightly hungry =S Well today I need to go and get weighed and see the damage that my flu has done to me!!!! So I´ll post later on, GOOD LUCK!!! WE CAN DO IT! and yes definetely you should write a book, even if you just have it laying there in your house, it will be good to read it in the future!! |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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oh beatles, well i am happy you are feeling better, amen! as for me, woke sunday with a migraine and i didnt do anyting but lay on the couch and eat eat eat...i didnt start that way, but eventually it was all i could do to feel better....lol...sick eh? had 3 bowls of mini wheats, a king size snickers bar, chips and salsa, and on and on.......i had over 2600 calories that day, that is 1000 over what i should have to maintain....not even to lose. To lose it needs to be 1400 or less. My gosh, I woke up monday to 160 again, even though sunday morning was 156 finally....after the hard work i put in all week my sunday weigh in made me smile, even with a migraine...but i wasnt strong enough to let the food sit there, i had to eat it all. That is what headaches do to me though, they totally send me reeling, like a hangover, only i dont drink much, if any. But when i was in bowling league i drank and at 2am, i would be driving home STARVING drunk and i would stop at anything open and wolf the food down, barely tasting it at all, just trying to keep from getting sicker than i already felt. That was over 4 years ago, i dont do that anymore....i promise. Sunday was a write off day, Monday i did better, but i stil had up to 1900 or 2000 cal at least. Stress also sends me reeling and MJ and D were at each others throats, she was clingy with me and he kept tellin her to give me space cuz i wasnt feeling well and she wouldnt listen and it escalated terribly to her really not listening to either of us, and D raised his voice, which he never does...so of course, in my few moments of alone times i would eat!!! Not healthy, not good...but its past. I have to let it go and start new today. I got my latest Leslie workout video yesterday, so i plan to give it a go today, plus i am on a new list of NONO's and i ate a cookie yesterday (a no no) and when i do that i vowed i have to do a 12 min mile....so i have a lot of working out to do today. You should join us in that no no list, its under the EAT WELL CHALLENGE....you will see some familiar names doing it with me... :) Its good to keep us accountable... :) its a regular thread for about 5 of us. :) Here is to a new day beatles! :) hugs and get better! |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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ITS WEDNESDAY AND I AM UPSET ABOUT THE SCALE TELLING ME THAT I AM INDEED 2 PDS UP FROM YESTERDAY AND I WORKED OUT 7.5 MILES YESTERDAY, INCL OF WEIGHTS, STRENGTH AND INTERVAL TRAINING. I AM VERY SPURRED TO EAT, BUT I AM NOT HUNGRY, I AM JUST UPSET. I AM HERE BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO BLOW THIS FLUCTUATION FURTHER BY EATING. I DECIDED TO MAKE OATMEAL TODAY FOR BREAKFAST, AND WENT FOR 2 PACKETS INSTEAD OF ONE. MADE IT TOO WATERY AND ADDED A 3RD PACKET! HEATED IT ALL UP, THEN GOT SMART AND JUST PUT SOME OF THAT MIX INTO A SMALLER BOWL, THE EQUIVELENT OF 1 PACKET. I MAY HAVE THE OTHER ONES THRU THE DAY AS MY FOOD OR SNACK, BUT I AM PROUD OF MYSELF FOR NOT EATING ALL OF IT FOR BREAKFAST BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE ALLOWED MY "MOOD" TO AFFECT MY EATING AGAIN HENCE BRINGING MORE WEIGHT ON. YESTERDAY I DID EAT OUT FOR LUNCH WITH MJ, I GOT HER A CHEESEBURGER MEAL AT WENDYS AND I GOT MYSELF THE SOUTHWEST TACO SALAD. IT WAS 600 CALORIES, BUT IT WAS SOO DELICIOUS. I ATE ALMOST ALL OF IT, IT WAS ONLY SALAD, GOOD CHILE AND JUST ENOUGH TORTILLA STRIPS AND CHIPOTLE DRESSING. IT WAS WORTH IT. AND BESIDES, AFTER I WORKED OFF 6 MILES OF WALKING THAT INCL THE STRENGTH, KICKBOXING, JOGGING AND I KNOW I DID GOOD FOR ME. I DIDNT SNACK ALL DAY AFTER THAT, I HAD A SANDWICH FOR DINNER WITH PASTRAMI AND SWISS THAT D BROUGHT HOME FOR ME. IT WASNT EVEN A 6 IN SUB! I HAD MILK WITH IT AND ALL I HAD FOR SNACK LAST NITE WAS 6 CLUB CRACKERS AND A GLASS OF HOT TEA WITH MILK AND SUGAR. I DID REALLY WELL YESTERDAY, SO I AM SAD THAT I HAVE SUCH A HIGH NUMBER TODAY ON THE SCALE. ITS JUST A NUMBER. I HAVE BEEN ADVISED ONCE AGAIN NOT TO WEIGH IN DAILY, BUT I CANT SEEM TO STOP NOW. I AHVE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE LAST NOVEMBER, AND THEN AVERAGING THE WTS FOR SATURDAYS OFFICIAL WEIGHT OF THAT WEEK. I TELL MYSELF I CAN STOP DOING IT, BUT SO FAR I HAVENT WON THAT MIND BATTLE. TODAY WONT GET ME. I WONT LET IT. I WILL DO MY WORKOUT AS I PLANNED, I WILL CLEAN THE HOUSE AND I WILL EAT GOOD. I WONT LET MY BRAIN WIN!!!! BEATLES, REDQUEEN, LADIES HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY????? BIG HUGS! |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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Well yesterday I went to find a scale to see what damages my flu had done to my health, and even though I thought it would be up, I wished it would be down. Well the last weigh in was 54.4 kg and yesterdays weigh in was 54.2 kg, so I haven´t even lost a pound but at least I hven´t gone up. My bf was with me and he asked how I´d done, when he saw it he said well at least you haven´t gone up. I wanted to go down to 45 but now I have a temporary challenge of getting down to 50 by the end of november. Which means I´m going to have to track my food more and DO exercise, I figure that If I have a light breakfast, and I make my dinners and teas soup or salads, then the only challenge will be night time. My bf is really pissing me off, he says that I´m obsessed with this forum, it really hurting me because I´ve told him how much it is helping me to be able to talk to somebody about all this that goes on in my head. It´s okay for him, he´s almost anorexic, I can´t take it anymore, he´s always bossing me about, like if he cant sleep he´ll put the light on to read but If I can´t sleep and I put the light on there would be murder. I don´t even know what to say to him anymore, ´he´s always got a smatter comment. It´s really stressing me out. I wouldn´t mind actually being thin and people saying to me wow you´ve lost weight, or even omg eat something you look so thin, but it would be my mothers comments when she sees me in photos that would be bad, she is angry that I am even considering losing weight, but she isn´t me, I would like to feel confident someday about my body. Even if I get down to 50 I dont know if I would notice any changes so I think I should concentrate on doing squats and things like that to tone up. So I need to make a plan, I just wish somebody could be supportive, up until now if it wasn´t for you bj I would have been so despressed. That was very frustrating what happened to you with the scales, but think about something, maybe you are putting muscle weight on or maybe you are retaining liquids. There´s a list of things to do to help liquid retention on my diary, you are all free to check it out. I need something in my life to keep me going, and right now I think that reaching my goal of 50 by the end of november will help me. Here´s to a good day and night for all of us, just think about what you put in your mouth and ask yourself "is it really worth it?" Good luck |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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good day beatles! thanks for letting me know that i help you somedays, when its hard and you feel alone...i have to say the same for you! :) i know i can vent alot here at home, but some days i admit my man is the same way, he gets really frustrated to hear me complain about my gains and the stories of our "ouatg" stories of dispair and sadness with her man and her struggles...etc..etc.....just the daily stuff i share and learn on here. He thinks that i am just gorgeous this way, but for me, i still see alot that needs to go....like the thighs and my upper arms...which is why i am working so hard physically. Foodwise i am still borderline with what i can and cant do.....mostly still taking more of the cants than cans..lol....but i am trying. yesterday was a near perfect day! I had my diet cocoa last nite, but i ended up tossing half of it out since i had put coffee in it too...it overwhelmed the wimpy flavor of the cocoa...after that, i really wanted to have popcorn but it was 915 and my new no no is nothing after 9pm..so i asked aloud if i can have popcorn he said no, so i had my sugar free lemonade instead and smoked a small bowl....lol.... my weakness, yes, it helps wiht headaches...bad aint it/ but its sure better than most things!!! lol.... anyway, so last nite i ended up with the ideal ratio that NIR has recommended, i had like 1450 total intake, then worked off about 700 and that left me with like 750 net calories......if i can do that every day (yeah, except sunday and monday when d is here all day, then i lose it all!!!)....then i could stand to lose.....but i have only gotten one day... today i am at 159 first am weigh in. that is ok. if i can get thru today and tomorrow and saturday with good days, i should see a decent drop. PRay i see a decent drop! I am tickled that you didnt gain!!!! You were so sick!!! I am happy you are back on your feet, i highly recommend a digital scale, get one at the local store. :) then you can relax having a scale there at home. As for the man, i am not sure what to say, you are goin in another direction and it sounds like he isnt goin with you???? i think it happens too often when one goes on a quest to get better in any way, because ideally it means that you arent happy...so you want to improve and of course, men take it all personally that its about them....but hey, if he isnt showing the love while you make these changes, well, then....???? only you know what you should do... My mom is super jealous of my loss, she wishes she could do it! I have never been smaller than my wittle mommy, she has always been fluffy but not heavy to me, she is stacked with small legs. She has a barrel middle, the worst kind of shape because of the heart and the fat that just sits around her middle is weighing heavy on her heart.....i am blessed with height at least and i have a great hourglass shape that is finally showing thru! Its taken me a year, shy of one month since i started this thanksgiving weekend last year......i am just 36 pds down and about 32 inches off the whole body. (#%@&!, with all the working out i am doing these days with my weights, i sure hope i am losing more and gaining muscles!!!) the latest video i got from leslie sansone is great! sure the 1mile isnt too hot, but its good if i am not feeling well and just need a small boost. The other three programs rock! One is strength and walking, so you do 3min of 4.5mph fast walk/2min of strength training, squats etc and you do 4 sets of those along with a warm up and cool down....then the 2nd is walk/jog which is the same walk with 2min sets of jogging with knee lifts, leg swings etc....same format ...then the 3rd is kickboxing and walking so that is the same walk format with 2 mins of kickboxing moves......that one is great! I am surviving the squats but its hurting my knee something fierce....but i dont want to quit now...its just something i have to deal with forever......falling down a flight of stairs years ago, has screwed my knee but it only hurts when i do squats for a period of time.... :( i would look at her videos if i were you, you may really get off on them...she is super positive and motivating and awesome! :) walkathome.com is her website, and you can order all of her stuff via amazon.com....... :) |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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ugh, well today i feel like a bear with a spur in my paw! i am in a mood that i cant seem to shake. i want to yell and stomp my feet and cry. last nite, i had a nice healthy dinner then i had nuts and lemonade then i had cheetos. oddly enough i weighed in at 158 today. crazy how it works. i just dont get it. i didnt overeat the cheetos, in fact i forget that i had 3 packets of diet cocoa with coffee and milk....it was good. i drank it all. it was still only 100 calories total, so its not bad, but i felt piggish by having 3 packets....which is equal to like a 32 oz cup you get at starbucks or wherever...lol.. i have been fantasizing about food though. i would love to have sourdough bowl with clam chowder, i would like a hot fudge sundae with nuts and whip cream, i would love a bowl of wheat chex with sugar......i got snickers bars yesterday on sale 2 for a $1.....so i put them in the freezer outside and havent had one yet...they are reserved for the moment that i just have to have one. i havent told d but when he goes to grab a kit kat white chocolate he will see them. its good that i got them, and i will reserve for special, i just think about them from time to time...lol... how are you beatles? |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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well im feeling defeated, last night I had a huge bowl of pasta for dinner and after dinner I went and got a kit kat mc flurry, its always the f*ing mcflurry!!! And after that I just let go and pigged out some more, today I´ve only eaten a few crackers and cranberry juice so now I´m starving and my bf and I are going out for tea....something tells me I´m probably going to fail again. And everywhere I look I see thin thin thin, I was watching americas next top model and they are all extremely thin, very very pretty and thin. Last night my bf and I were talking and he said that he had gotten used to my wobbly bits, and I told him that they had to go, and he said that they probably never will go, and I said they have to go, but I know that if I keep on eating all this junk then they will never go. Most of this is probably in my head as a doctor would tell me that I´m at a healthy weight, but I would like to strip off all the faat around my waist, thight and bum, okay I know that a bit of fat is healthy, to put it all in my boobs! hahahahhahahahaha lol, okay, that wont happen, but i´d just like to look in the mirror and say hey lookin good laura! I know that that day can come, I just have to make it happen... |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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stop watching those shows, they are terrible for anyone trying to lose weight because those are not average everyday women, they dont eat more than once a day, they binge and purge i am sure and they obsess to be perfect. I stay away from those shows. I cant get into them, if you have to watch reality watch so you think you can dance, or something activity oriented with pretty costumes and happiness....all those reality slut cheap looking hootchie girl shows make me want to vomit. seriously, i mean, you dont really want to be them, you are smart, you have something to say, you have natural god given curves that you shuld just embrace. Think of J Lo instead. She is gorgeous and she is in shape! she didnt always look that way, when she was in her early twenties she was loose in the tush and adorable and sexy....i think you need to make alowance for the ice cream stuff in your diet if you are going to eat them as much as you do. Watch the total calorie intake and not fats carbs proteins etc...because you consistently want ice cream. you know its easily 300-400 calories so work it into your day. If you look up the calorie needs on the weight loss calculator you can guesstimate your total need based on your activity....then you take away what you work out via the calories burned calculator and you end up with your intake for the day.....i would guess you can take in about 1200-1400 to lose a day....that divided into 3 meals a day allows you to have 300 calories for breakfast, lunch and then dinner plus a yummy dessert of 300-400 or less. If you do the higher calorie burn workouts like that tae bo stuff you were doing, i dont see how come you couldnt lose....you should send a note to NIR, one of the administrators and ask him to assess for you your needs...he is a pro. He got me on a track and i am doing my best to stick to it. my whole point is, that with the calorie counting you can stop making yourself feel bad if you have something sweet. It allows you to enjoy all things in moderation. I have good days and bad, as you know.....but its so easy to go over too, in which case you just workout more...lol...perfect example today... good breakfast, but for lunch i had 3 slices of sourdough bread with butter, then i had a cup of clam chowder.....put me up into 1300 before noon!!! So, i just pushed thru 3 12 min miles and now i will do the other 2 12min miles for a total of 5 miles today...that will bring off about 560calories for me today, bringing me back into my loss range. Sure, my total for the entire day may be 1800...but after i work off the 560, i end up in the 1300-1400-1500 for the day as a net, which is ok for me. Make sense? calorie counting has been my savior, oddly enough. it got me this far. i have done atkins, south beach, jenny craig, weight watchers....nothing happened. this has done it for me. :) |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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I posted yesterday but It doesn´t seem to have worked, well the post went on and on about me failing and eating mcflurrys and chips and just pigging out really , and then it went on saying that just someday I want to look at myself in the mirror and say, hey! looking good! I´d really love to jost not have all this flab all over my body. I´m feeling really concious these days, my bf was arguinig with his older sister and they were at eachothers throats, I kept out the way, but I heard them say like at least I have a better car than you and so on...and when my bf said at least I have a girlfriend she said like a nasty coment, I cant remember but it was somewhat like yeah and look at the girlfriend you´ve got (like im ugly or whatever). I hate her! Well today I made more soup, I felt upset yesterday becuase his parents went food shopping and they only bought unhealthy stuff, fattening stuff, and I dont have any money to buy myself healthy food, or low cal food, thats why I made some soup. I´m feeling frustrated, like im not in control of anything, and all I want is to be thin |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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ok ive just noticed that it actually did post lol. yeah nir told me that I need about 1300 a day and 30mins of high impact exercise like taebo, but I haven´t been doing any taebo cos I´m lazy and also because I dont have any privacy, maybe I should get up early before my father in law and bf wakes up and do exercise then, that sounds like a good idea. Basically I need to just stop eating junk late and night and say goodbye to mcflurry, or just have one a month, that way I will look forward to it. Just thinking on my feet, what is true is that I have to do exercise because if I´m doing exercise then what I put in my mouth wont be as bad, yeah so tomorrow I´m setting my alarm clock!! Good luck for tonight and think about me when youre about to eat something bad, I´ll think about you, maybe the trick is to keep busy, if I´m going to eat something naughty I´ll just go brush my teeth or something lol! |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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hello friend, i dont have much time to post, mj and d are both taking baths...but i had to share with you the disaster of a day that i had. woke with a headache, then it started almost immediately between mj and d, she isnt listening to mommy and he has had enough..etcetcetc....so go to town to run errands and he is stressing big time, getting all hmmmphs and eyes rolling etc and i finally just barked at him, he said i get mad at him for how he tries to get her to listen to me and yet i dont get upset with her? he doesnt see how upset i get during the week....anyway, escalated and i came home and went to the bathroom and swallowed whole practically a kit kat....in about two seconds. then, it just kept up, eventually i have had today TWO snickers bars at 280 apiece, and a dr pepper, and walnuts and almonds. So that is 3 candy bars today alone. WOW talk about stress eating. sometimes i wonder why i get so defensive when he attempts to teach her to be a well behaved kid, we both want her to listen and respect elders etc...what is my issue? its knowing how he felt about his ex's two girls totally walking all over him, and then he would lay rules down and mom would let them do whatever they wanted because he wasnt home....etc.etcetc..hence, my fear that he will just decide one day its not worth it to try to bring up another girl who isnt gonna respect me....... i yell at her constantly, why does it bug me so to let him take over? i think i take it personally too, because i am here all day trying to get things right...and he sees how little she listens and well, i feel it reflects back to the source...me. anyway beatles, i am glad you are here to share, sorry to go off...but i had to get it out there so i deal with it. its still tense around here and i just want to go to sleep. then, we asked my parents down for tonite, they told us they just cant do it all or please everyone....well, thanks, thanks alot...... hugs and talk soon..i am gonna try to get thru tonite without eating anymore...i took in over 2500 i think and i cleared net over 1600....so tomorrows gonna hurt me.... is it bad to say i do better when he is at work? or am i just fooling myself???? |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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My advice to you would be to try not to stress and show your daughter how much you love her, maybe take her for a treat, something that she will enjoy, but as she gets older you need to make her see that you are not siding with you man, I left home because I saw my mum siding with her boyfriend ans picking on me, then I thought I´ll go running to my bf and live with him, well it has been a mistake becasue not only is he a controling freak but he doesnt stand up for me, this morning his mum was slagging me off to him saying that I dont clean or wash the dishes (I do, but im not cinderella either) and he went mad with me, then his saying saying to his face that "I am no beauty", what would you do? I´m absolutely furious, what a bithc, how can she say that? I am not ugly, in fact I think I´m quite pretty, his sister is probably better looking than me and she is tall with a nice body and big boobs but where does she get off saying that about me? His mum wont even look me in the eye today, and I went walking for about 30mins, so that was my exercise for the day, and then I´ve got my mum calling me crying telling me to live my life. Today has been a bad day, but last night after my tea when I got hungry I ate a small bowl of cereal and then I didnt have anything after that, so thats good, ill try to do the same tonight, but I wish I had a diferent life. |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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hey beatles, ok, i am trying to get the story here....when did you leave moms? why again did you leave moms? so you went to live with your boyfriend when you left moms? my first concern is did you go to live with him in desparation of having nowhere else to go, which sets up the sister and his mom for being hard on you because you ran to him to save you...(in their eyes anyway)...and you resent them for not liking you, but perhaps they see it differently because it wasnt a decision the two of you made as a couple, it was you needing a place to stay. That sounds like bad timing. I am not saying go home to be with mom, but i think you need to repair that bridge...you need to let your mom know how you feel. I moved back and from my parents house a few times over the last 6 years and times werent always the best, but i had a place to fall, and i am grateful i did. I made alot of bad choices and they saved me. We argued alot, we disagreed but i wouldnt have gotten here without them. As for the sis and mom, well, i imagine they feel that you are maybe using their son/brother to have a place to stay? i dont mean to sound harsh, but obviously they are upset about something.....i know its no fun to be cinderella, but if you arent working or going to school (i am not sure what is goin on for you right now...i hvent gotten to read your whole diary... :( ) then, perhaps the best thing you can do is be cinderella, make the house pretty, clean the bathrooms, give the house some love, show them all you are capable of being an independent, responsible, grown up woman that is able to clean, cook and take care of herself, her things and her man. I myself am just like my mom, i have to have a clean house. i cant stand to leave dishes in the sink overnite...if i do its because i FORCE myself to do it. Really, I clean the clothes at least 2-3 times a week, i wash, dryer, fold and hang then put it all away. I make all the meals, i buy all the groceries, i pay the bills, i care for the man and the kid and its my role as wife, mom and main caregiver in this house. D goes to work 5 days a week, i make sure he has his lunch and coffee each morning. I love this role, sure some days i wish he did more, but he is the one making the money and i am making the house run smoothly. Its got to be a team effort or all is lost. I dont know it this helps at all, but you need to step up the "wifey" or "homemaker" role in the house or else they will see you as lazy, unmotivated and whiney about what you dont have, which mainly sounds like their respect. I didnt learn how to cook from watching my mom, sure she cooked but oddly enough my dad was always home first, so i learned how to make spaghetti and such...but overall, i have come into this house 2 years ago and learned how to live as a woman, a wife and a mother....It hasnt been easy because D is picky about his food, he doesnt like everything and i have to be selective when i shop etc. I used recipes from the internet when i am out of ideas, but cooking is easy. Cleaning is easy. I would rather be at home mom, wife etc than be out dealing with #%@&! bitchy bosses and feeling like i work my butt off for a measly 600 a week...its not worth it. I would step up to the wifey role if it were me, start by cleaning up the house, organizing it, taking control if you are there, you have to make your place in that house KNOWN TO ALL THE OTHER WOMEN in his life or they dont see you standing there. If you arent working, all the more reason to get up and do that, they cant say a word when they walk into the house and see a made bed, a bathroom with towels hanging, a clean kitchen etc...its the little things that put women at ease. They want to see you take care of him and yourself and the things around you, otherwise they dont see you. I know i am up on a salt box, and i say these things because i have been the invisible girlfriend that mommy steps right around or over...and the way i made myself seen was to show i cared in ways they could see. Big hug to you beatles, let me know if i #%@&! you off...i just may have, but it wasnt my intention, i promise. #%@&!, i wish i had had a boyfriend who wanted to live with me when i was just a babe...:) consider yourself lucky to not be totally alone. :) |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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hello all, beatles, i said alot of stuff yesterday, i was having such a stressful weekend with D and MJ and i hope i didnt put too much on the table about your situation. I may have gone over the top with the living situation and its because i have been in your shoes. I wont go into that story, but it was similar to yours in that i was kinda looked down on, i moved in really without any invite....just wanted out of my folks house, and i became his cinderella, but i thought i was loving him and taking care of his things etc.....it was not the right way for me to go but at the time it was. We were together just over a year, and he is MJ's donor......but that happened after i finally moved out from his place and left him....ironic. I was supposed to have a child is how i look at that. :) :( Anyway, sorry if i stepped on your toes, i did mean well, and i get so impassioned about stuff outside of my life, like i can help all others except me? make sense? I hope you had a nice nite and didnt fight or binge.... :) As for me, I ate and had 4 waffles for dinner....omg. I can smell myself getting fat. Its sick. Although today the weight is at 159, i feel like i am at 200 again. I just want to eat more and more and give up the exercise and hard work. Last nite, laying in bed, D had to bring up how i am always writing and logging right after i eat and its taking away from his time with me. Why cant i just be happy where i am because i am so beautfiul right now this weight? Why do i have to beat myself up all the time, workout so hard, if you know that you are able to do what you are now and maintain, why not do it?? I got upset of course, I try to explain how i feel this way, how easy it is for me to just be a slobby lazy person who doesnt workout and doenst care what she eats, but why should i do that? i am trying to find my path that will allow me to enjoy without the utter painful guilt i have, i dont know if i will ever get that down though. I may never feel content just to eat as i do without logging it. If i do that, would i maintain or just regain? I dont want to do taht! He doesnt get it. He said he understands but he doesnt. Today i had the rest of mj's soggy wheat chex and two cups of coffee with about 5 cheetos for breakfast. I have scooped the horse poo that was 2 wheelbarrows of poo, and about a half mile walk for about 35min. I did something today, considering how bully cold it is and windy, i am proud of myself. It would be easy to be a lazy mom at home, but i cant allow myself to do that. Especially days like this, cold and wintery. U just want to be warm and snuggled watching good tv! lol I have started to get back into bed in the morning after he leaves, its still dark now and its cold as heck, and i get back into bed and maybe nap for about another hour or until mj is up. I relish that time, because in the summer i dont do it. I enjoy being up early in the summer but the winter, i love to be warm, esp in the dark. Ugh, winter laziness is setting in.... lol I will be good today. If i just keep writing i will clear my head. I had the last 4 days of over 2000 calories a day before taking away any exercise. UGH! Oddly enough, livestrong.com calibrations tell me that to lose a pd a week, i need to take in 1900 a day. I feel like that is high! But i put the numbers in and that is what it gives me. The trouble is that i weigh in daily, thereby i dont ever really see a loss, i just watch it go up and down. How can i train my brain to allow me to weigh in once a week?????? |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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thank you for your comments, in not #%@&! off at all, I really liked to know your opinion. well my mum has a new husband and we get on really bad, I was having a bad time and I only wanted to be with my bf, so I did kind of barge my way into the house without an invite. the sister doesnt live here anymore but i feel like whenever she sees me I am not at ease, i dont like her, and after her coment about me being no beauthy I have just lost all repect for her, im never going to give her any atention, and the mum I feel is always trying to pick something bad out about me and show that to her son. she is so hés my little boy" and it spathetic, she treats him like a young boy and hes 22, like she says my son is so thin, its becuase you dont feed him properly, and shes make him tea saying here ive made you some good food, or if we go to mcdonalds shell moan and say that thats not food. the dad has his days, some days he calls me his daughter and other days he doesnt even say hello to me. And I just dont like his mum I feel like shes a bit jelous because I am the other woman in her sons life or something, i duno but my mum doesnt like her either. I´m just wishing for the day that I have my own house, and in my house I will do what I want to do. As for eating I´ve been like always, through the day I try to eat very little, later I have tea (somedays quite healthy) and after tea I´ll have cereal, and a while later munch something naughty, today for instance I´ve been eating these chocie things, but I am controling a lot more than normal what I´m eating, I hate doing the cleaning without no appretiation or even a smile, but its best that I just clean the house everyday and look after my boyfriend, even though I feel like I want some looking after. Maybe you could take the scales round to friends house or something and tell her that you will come round once a week to weigh yourself and for her not to let you use it any other time, that might help, I only go once a week because I have to go to the chemists to do it! lol goood luck |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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oh mom in laws are tough. i have had that from most of the guys moms i dated in the past, but i wasnt living with any of them except 2 of them. One mom adored me and the other one coddled her son and was very health conscious and organic etc...so he never ate any of that stuff shed bring over...which she did weekly...it was hard to handle. D's mom isnt with us anymore, so the only one in his life is his step mom who he barely regards at all...so luckily i dont have to have that drama in my life. the thing is, you can eat out at any fast food place nowadays and you can choose to eat healthier things! You can eat the fruit in a cup with yogurt that is delicious! Its very low in calories....salads, the chicken sandwiches that arent fried...etc...its not that hard to find something that isnt terrible for you. You have to concede that she is right when she sais that its not healthy because OVERALL most of their stuff isnt healthy......and if you eat that every day its true its not healthy. Have you ever seen the Super Size Movie? its totally true, you can eat 30 days worth of 3 meals from Mc'D's and you will easily gain 30 pds. After that documovie came out, the restaurants stopped doing super size anything because its not worth the health risk. Now you have a choice of your sizes and if you can handle the smalls just get them and enjoy it. Myself, I used to eat anything fast food any time i was in a rush and i would often stop at 2 or 3 places to fill all the urges i had.....After moving out here, away from town, away from the choices...i started to eat at home more and well, that stuff isnt the same for me now. Now, I barely eat any of it, unless its to feed an anxiety or stress or simply because i am starved and stupid. If you can reserve one day or two days a week for eating out then you can tell her to suck it! If you arent cooking much at alll, get over the fear...not only is the stuff bad for you in the end, its costly! It is cheaper to make your own food and loads better for you. If you need a better kick in the butt over the fast food...pull up any of their websites because they all offer nutritional values now for ALL of their foods. You will eat your hat to read how many calories are in a Big Mac or a Medium fries, or a large coke etc....its alarming. Even Taco Bell, and Wendys with their yummy southwestern salads take the numbers up over 600 for a salad?!?! a salad!.....the greens are great, its the beans (although they are super for protein) and dressing and chips that come along with them.... You will work it out.......you have to plan to cook at home though, you have to think about what you BOTH enjoy and go shopping, heck go together!...although i used to enjoy goin to the walmart with D, now we dont go together anymore because he is waay more into impulse shopping and we have to budget. I still spend about 100 a shopping visit, but we eat home every day but maybe once a week if we can afford it....and i send him out the door each day with a full days worth of food, plus he has nightly snacks regularly....so food goes thru this house like water.... I am way up on the scale today, trying not to get down but after the weekend i had, who can be shocked??? i got all strung out at the store wiht mj because she wanted everything she saw and i grabbed a kit kat and a 3 musketeers! UGH! I had half of the 3M and gave the rest to MJ. After a good lunch i dove into the Kit Kat to get it gone and then i did my 5 12minute miles to make myself feel justified in my binge. D tells me to just enjoy it, how can i do that when i could easily wolf down about 5 kit kats before i may start to tire of them? I am past the fast food, but i cant seem to stop wanting the sweets. I didnt get myself anymore diet cocoa when i was at the store.....i didnt get any ice cream.....i was a good girl, but i had a german chocolate cake on clearance but i eventually put it back. I got all the goodies for D and none for me, short of the candy bar!!! LOL....bad i know! We just have to keep each other accountable...i am here for you, you are here for me. Those around us who love us wont always support or agree, that is why we are here..... Big Hug and i am challenging you to not have mcdonalds until Saturday...that is only 2.5 days from now...can you do it?? :) I will not have any candy bars until Saturday too!!! Can we do it?? :) |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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yes we can ! hehe, well his mother still hasnt spoken a word to me, well yesterday we went out for a morning snack and as soon as we got back his mum said I´m making you some proper food, then she asked me if I was going to eat and I said that we had already eaten, she asked him if it was true and he said yeah some sandwiches and she said thats not food, thats nothing. And what really pisses me off is that she always going on about him not getting any proper food, she makes him chips with every meal and eggs and horrible meaty concoxions (i dont like meat) and yesterdays "so called chicken" was a horrible grey colour, i dont know how he can eat it. Well he is quite picky and doesnt like anything healthy, its his mums fault for giving him the same thing every single day of his life, I try to make him salads now and again but he eats a bit of tuna and thats it. I always make an effort to eat healthy, its always salads, potato salad, or whatever, the last time we went to burger king I had a chicken salad and it was delicious, but it didnt really fill me up. Tomorrow is friday, weigh in day, and I dont know if the scales will be down because I´ve been doing well through the day but last night I eat 2 bags of crisps! Okay so lets make today and tomorrow good days, lets just think "healthy". Good luck! (I´m off to clean the bedroom as it smells of tobaco!) |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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Well last night I didnt exactly go to mcdonalds but I did eat out, and I absolutely stuffed myself, I hadnt really eaten much all day and when I got home (pardon my sincerity) I had diarreah, it was weird, I think that happened because I´d been controling myself all week and trying to eat less. I didnt weigh myself so I´ll have to go on monday. My skin is horrible, every morning I wake up with really dry lips and vaseline isnt doing anything for me. I´m going to make it my challenge to drink more water. As for the bf yesterday was good, there were no arguements and we were quite lovey dovey (makes a change) his mum still isnt speaking to me and the other his sister was here and she didnt even look at me, shes so horrible. Anyway I´ll just forget about her. His mum can think what she wants I dont care, she has a horrible life anyway, she gets up for work in the morning and spends all afternoon lying on the couch watching argentinian soap operas. And everytime we walk downstairs to go out she cant help herself but say "where are you going?" I always bite my tongue and dont say anything but I wish my bf would one day say "whats it to you? do i ask you were you are going?". Anyway I´m just moaning really, maybe you could try drinking more water too, It really is vital for our bodies and should help clear my skin up too. My hair is falling out loads, and I´ve been washing and styling it much less...its quite scary really. Has it ever happended to you? |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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hey lady lay, happy halloween! umm, losing my hair hasnt happened to me and i hope it doesnt. U have some deficiency in your vitamins, suggest looking up hair loss on internet and see what turns up that is reasonable to what you are going thru....here is a blurb i found.... and a website to check out... http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hair-loss What causes excessive hair loss? A number of things can cause excessive hair loss. For example, about 3 or 4 months after an illness or a major surgery, you may suddenly lose a large amount of hair. This hair loss is related to the stress of the illness and is temporary. Hormonal problems may cause hair loss. If your thyroid gland is overactive or underactive, your hair may fall out. This hair loss usually can be helped by treatment thyroid disease. Hair loss may occur if male or female hormones, known as androgens and estrogens, are out of balance. Correcting the hormone imbalance may stop your hair loss. Many women notice hair loss about 3 months after they've had a baby. This loss is also related to hormones. During pregnancy, high levels of certain hormones cause the body to keep hair that would normally fall out. When the hormones return to pre-pregnancy levels, that hair falls out and the normal cycle of growth and loss starts again. Some medicines can cause hair loss. This type of hair loss improves when you stop taking the medicine. Medicines that can cause hair loss include blood thinners (also called anticoagulants), medicines used for gout, medicines used in chemotherapy to treat cancer, vitamin A (if too much is taken), birth control pills and antidepressants. Certain infections can cause hair loss. Fungal infections of the scalp can cause hair loss in children. The infection is easily treated with antifungal medicines. Finally, hair loss may occur as part of an underlying disease, such as lupus or diabetes. Since hair loss may be an early sign of a disease, it is important to find the cause so that it can be treated. Can improper care of my hair cause hair loss? Yes. If you wear pigtails or cornrows or use tight hair rollers, the pull on your hair can cause a type of hair loss called traction alopecia (say: al-oh-pee-sha). If the pulling is stopped before scarring of the scalp develops, your hair will grow back normally. However, scarring can cause permanent hair loss. Hot oil hair treatments or chemicals used in permanents (also called "perms") may cause inflammation (swelling) of the hair follicle, which can result in scarring and hair loss. Return to top ... As for me, I drink about 12 glasses of water a day, i use a 32oz gatorade bottle and fill it 3-4 times a day. I am not lacking in water. I could be my own swimming pool! ;p its been a hard few days for me, i didnt even post yesterday i was so down. I have got to put the scale away. I must for my own brain. Thursday was MJ's first Dental visit, its the same place i go and by chance they have an old style scale in the ladies bathroom and i use it every time i go. My last weigh in there was 186. That day at home I was 189. Now, current day, that morning I was 158 and at the dentist 155, 3 pds consistent. I wish I could say I am 155. I would be so excited! Instead, I get on the scale yesterday, 159, then today a whopping 162!~ HOLY COW! What did i do to defeat myself yesterday??? Hmm....well, all day i was good. It was once D came home. I had dinner, we had egg burritos. Mine was delicious, eggs, cheese, onion, ham, green chile. YUMMY! and not bad, less than 400 for all its worth. But, after that I had a cherry turnover (that i MADE FOR D AND NOT ME!!!) that was an empty 180cal, then i had a mini candy bar....let me share how THESE ENDED UP IN MY HOUSE! D brought them home in a small goodie bag for me....there are, were 4 kit kats, whoppers (dont care for them), a reeses cup and a hershey bar. Knew I would be excited since i adore Kit Kats...... so, ok, i had the reeses cup, and two small chocolate chip cookies, took a bath, came back out and i had a pint glass of wheat chex, with milk and sugar...then i had a headache so i laid down on the couch, vowing not to eat and here comes D with the chile cheese fritos....so, of course i had to have some of those, so i got up and got a Mt Dew as well.........OMG Gina she is out of control!!!! I had something else in there that I cant recall, probably blocking it out......but its not something i had to have....I had half of the Mt Dew and gave him the rest and only had a few fingers full of chips. I finally had to get to bed at 930 to keep my #%@&! out of the kitchen and the food out of my mouth. MAN ALIVE, im totaly out of control. I was down yesterday because i sent MJ with my dad on thursday. She couldnt wait to get out of here and it made me feeel utterly #%@&!. I almost cried. I am worried about our low money, the propane, and firewood we need (together over 500$) and the holidays coming up....holidays bring me down in the dumps every year. Its sad and I dont know why it happens, but i always crash. Maybe the cold weather, the short days? who knows? Today is halloween, I was debating goin up to see MJ at my folks house, getting her dressed up so i can take pictures, cuz my folks are incapable of taking pics with their digital camera then uploading them......they are so not technically inclined and i tend to stress trying to explain them again and again...lol.....so, anyway, i was debating that, but i went back to bed at 7 and slept till 9 or so, if not for the dogs wanting to get up i would have slept longer i am sure. Got up, weighed in and dove into two cups of coffee with milk and sugar, havent called my folks, have barely spoken to D at all (we often talk via text thru his work days)....and i am cranky and snappy. I dont know if I should go anywhere. I fear that since i have a few bucks in my pocket, i would stop at the fast food places between here and there and really blow it. Therby making me feel even worse.... :( I dont know what is wrong with me. I am a mental case and I obsess over food. I think about it all the time, like guys think about sex! lol..... and as for you and the bf, glad you had a nice day, hopefuly there will be more! You didnt say you lived with mom! WOW! that is tough. For a period of time, i was engaged to J back when i was 24-26....and we both lived at my folks house. He was a patho liar, and so he snowed my folks and me very well, and was fun so my mom adored him, he pulled the fast ones all the time, and though our lviing there wasnt great, it was never stressed. I am sorry you have to deal with this. Your man is a mamas boy, you either have to deal with it, get around it, or get away from him and find someone independent of mom. I dont know what will get her to see you differently, unless you really start to kick it up a notch in terms of the house and the meals.....moms usually are very picky. I dont know what D's mom would say about me. I take excellent care of him, his house, his things etc...I am a caretaker to say the least. I do everything with love and his sister sees it, dad sees it, so i think i would be ok....but then, that is something i do have in me. My mom raised me right, I jsut didnt know it till I was here. :) And, again, I am 35. When i was 24 I was a mess, and all the moms in the relationships I had worried because I didnt have my #%@&! in line, I wasnt going in a direction that was good....so no wonder none of them regarded me as much except a sweet girl. I may have well been invisible and they were ALL MOMMYS BOYS. My mom never regarded any of them as long term in my world, looking back now, she maybe thought Ruben and Joe may have had potential but R's sister was like his mom and hated me and kept us separated with mundane unbelievable excuses like cars breaking down etc.....and he was alwyas her hero and Joe, well as i said he was a patho liar and once we saw it, that was a done deal....but not before i went bankrupt, surrendered my beloved seadoo jetski, a car and about 43,000 in debt credit....all due to trusting him. :( it was a sad angry pathetic time for me. ok, enough of the past. Girl you have to set your place with your bf, esp with the mom. What is his take on how she treats you? is he on her side, neutral, or does he stick up for you? You have to find where you stand with him in order to know where you can get with her. He has to see you care about him, his welfare, and yours as a couple. Stop eating out so much, unless you literally share her kitchen in which, i would either start trying to find a place for the two of you, or i would try to integrate the meal where you all eat together, or you eat at totally separate times, and you clean the kitchen when you are done, leave it sparkling and she should be speechless. I am going to try to get my #%@&! in gear today. what should i do? go up to the folks, or stay here, make myself work out and try not to eat????? Last edited on 31 October 2009 05:35 pm by BJD74 |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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Thank you for researching hair loss for me, I think its due to stress and lack of iron, I should have my blood tested but I have a terrible fear of needles! Yes I do share the kitchen with her but I eat at diferent times to her, well sunday as a bad day, I screamed, I cried, I pushed, I absolutely cried every tear that I had in my body and I felt so alone. I argued with my bf and we both said terrible things to eachother, everything true, but the truth hurts doesn´t it? I absolutely slated his mother, father, sister and it was good because we got everything out. We were breaking up and all I could do was cry, then something changed, and suddenly we started being nice to one another. And yesterday and today I felt like his more on my side, more lovely dovey, each one trying not to start an arguement. His father has his car getting mended so he needs to use my bf´s car (mini cooper-very expensive-still paying it), and his mum and dad just dont take care of it, we hoovered it and the next day they had it messy, and they are using all the petrol without paying for any petrol, and as my bf is on the dole until they ring him from his work, so hes not working and we are being more careful with money becuase I dont work either. So yes we are trying to eat out less becuase that was costing him, and hes trying to smoke less also. Well on sunday (the day of the arguement) I argued that his parents would go and spend 300euros on food and not buy even one single carton of skimmed milk, they know that I dont drink full fat milk (It has 3 times more calories than skimmed and I´m not going to drink that) and theyd buy loads and loads of cakes chocie all fattening foods and nothing healthy, so all week I´ve been having only a glass of juice for breakfast, I dont know how I coped, and at nigt I get hungry, there has been no healthy food so ive simply been eating fat foods. Well today my bf went and bought me low fat yogourt, milk, cereal and beans. So at least with that I´ll be able to eat proper breakfasts and have low fat snacks. Write soon x |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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oi!~ it sounds like you two have cleared the air, as for the parents, well, they are parents, they consider your being there their gift to you in terms of helping you with food, choices, etc. The car is a bummer, but hey, if we as kids needed a car, they would lend theirs. My dad isnt neat either, esp with his car. When we first got back to talking, i was at their house, he needed to get something at store around corner for a project he was working on, so he asked if he could use mine since it was out of the gate already..I cringed inside because my dad has a heavy foot, he isnt as caring as i....but when he came back to ask me how to get into reverse i laughed and showed him and let him go. Came back with a full tank. :) that is how my dad is. He may be sloppy but he will fill the tank. My parents always give when they can, but it wasnt that way when my exfiance and i lived there. Sure, there was food, we all ate together. He and I didnt have money to buy our own separate food, I wasnt dieting at all, it just was what it was. Not working has to be tough on ALL OF YOU!.......is there any reason in particular that you arent working? It would be so nice for you personally to have some money for your own food, and it would show them you are trying to be grown up responsible etc. :) as for me, made it thru the weekend. we went to the family birthday at the pizza place on sunday, the pizza was only ok, and i had waited all day to eat. At first it tasted ok then really ooey gooey.....so i didnt do terribly bad that day after all. Before we got home, i dragged D out to Tome Hill and we took the hike up the mountain. I had on flats! It was crazy! LOL...but i wanted to get that workout in, its such a good burn in the lungs you know? lol monday, was ok too...my calories are super high but the workouts (at least i tell myself) are keeping me in the 1500-1900 calories a day. I havent weighed yet since Saturday. I will be weighing in on Friday. I got myself Mounds bars at the walmart the other day, on clearance after Halloween. Sick to buy them, they are delicious. I love love love them. Yesterday i had like 5 or 6! They are snack bars and dark chocolate with coconut. It could be a lot worse! lol...part of me wants to eat them all and be done with them, the other part just wants to eat them slowly and enjoy.....BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO THAT! Yesterday i jogged in place for 30 min, fast slow and in between, and then 15 min of walking, kicks, etc....it was ok. I havent done a video since saturday. My heel is hurting from yesterdays jogging, or the hike up the lava rock hill in flats with no support may have done it too!!! I am not motivated this week to work out. NOT A GOOD THING. I am trying to relax and have quiet time since MJ isnt here. She will be back on Thursday. I went back to sleep today, i think i slept another hour total....between dogs stepping on me and my tossing and turning, and teh time change has totally thrown me for a loop. I am tired at 930 and cant get my butt up at 630! ArGH! We are broke. We get paid on friday, and have about 1000 that needs to get paid, he got about 93 hours....so god hopes that we have enough to pay it all and get thru the next two weeks. I hear you about trying to save and not eat out, but when there isnt much to cook, who wants to stay home and eat something untasty? When I am lazy, I dont want to cook. Like Sunday, we had the pizza outing, then hiked, then came home and i didnt want to cook for him. My dad had given us some pocket cash, and i said i wanted the taco salad from wendys. He ended up eating arbys, but i had to take the drive into town to get it all. I didnt mind, it was better than eating at home. Some days its just how i feel. I ended up having half the salad sunday, then just yesterday i had the other half for lunch. My goal for today, eat right, if i have to snack, go for the fruit that i have sitting out pretty in a basket. I am doing ok not eating late at nite, having the teas and water. BUT I AM STILL THINKING ABOUT FOOD ANYWAY!!! |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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Hola! Well I´m always thinking about food too, but I try to have a yogourt or something not so bad. Bit disapointed, I went to weigh myself and instead of 54,4 pounds I´m 55. I suppose its not that big of a deal but I thought I would have gone down quite a bit because I was eating less all week (with the juice and thats it for brekkie). Well now I´m having cereal for breakfast and its the best thing! Want to try and get some exercise in but I´m just toooo lazy! I need motivation |
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MhartUF New Member
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Hi ladies, I have never visited this forum and I just stumbled upon it tonight while browsing the internet. Anyways, I read through all of your posts and got a good feel for both of your situations. I had a few opinions on a couple things though. BeatlesGirl: I am not sure I understand your situation, I think you are 22-24ish, unemployed and living at your boyfriends mom's house? Where is his father? (divorced parents, together etc). How long have you and your boyfriend been together? I ask because those details will help me better understand the situation, but based on what I am assuming - you moved in with your boyfriend, without either of your discussing it with his mom (the homeowner), you do not contribute to bills and you complain about the food she buys you? In addition, while complaining about the food someone else if providing you (for free), you and your boyfriend eat out often (both financially draining and un-healthy based on your food choices), instead of contributing to groceries at the house or other bills? First, the reason his mom does not like you, is you do not make an effort in her house or actively contribute or appear appreciative. Secondly, you moved into her home (1) either without her permission or (2) hestitantly she allowed it because your boyfriend pressured it. I may be wrong but based on your postings it does not sound like she had much say or is happy with the current living situation. Also, the reason you and your boyfriend fight so much is your insecurity, and you are displacing your being upset with the relationship the two of you are having onto food, and the cycle continues. I do not know him so I cannot pass judgement on him as a person, but he sounds like he does not support your chioces or act in a way that is considerate of what you want. If he is always bringing you to fast food places then that is not helping you with bettering yourself, and him - being skinny/thin does not mean you are healthy. I also think that, and this may sound weird - but I have watched/read a lot of eating disorder information. You could be malnurised and that is why your hair is falling out. From the sounds of it you are so preoccupied with being "thin" or "skinny" and "calorie counting" and "quantity obessed" rather than "healthy" or "eating balanced". When I read what you wrote I think about (1) how wrong you are if you think Wendy's taco salads are healthy: http://dietfacts.com/html/nutrition-facts/wendys-salads-taco-supremo-salad-with-chips-sour-cream-and-salsa-iceberg-romaine-tomatoes17446.htm ) Yeah, it has 600 calories, but 34 grams of fat (way more than half of what you should have in a day) and more importantly 15 grams of SATURATED FAT. Ugh! (2) you should focus on eating balanced, eating big breakfasts (500-600 calories) and shooting for smaller dinners. I have lost 15 pounds, only minimally exercising & still drinking alcohol 2-3x a week [I am only 24!], just by eating a big breakfast, a 100-150 calorie snack mid-day (I call it my second breakfast), a healthy lunch, a mid-day snack (100-150 calories) and a moderate dinner. My last observation is that both of you ladies are enabling each other. Instead of using this is a supportive tool in your getting healthy quest, both of you "act badly" (bla bla) and the clear your conscience because you confess here. Instead of doing activities that would guarentee success you both continue doing the same things, putting yourselves in the same situations, allowing the same behavior choice time-and-time again and expect something to change. I believe it was Elbert Einstein that said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." I will leave you both with a few great tips I have learned to keep the pounds off. 1. When I want to snack I chew gum - Trident and other brands have some flavorful kind that taste like candy, and it keeps your mouth active. 2. I either drink crystal light (5 calories) or I make crystal ligh popscicles by freezing it, putting the ice cubs in my drinks. 3. Brush your teeth and put on a clay face mask 4. be active everyday, 15-20 mins walk really add up. 5. plan your meals. I do and I make it a challenge to make healthy, delicious things & then instead of feeling unsatisfied with meals I feel full and proud of myself (and look forward to them!). What I ate today: -First Breakfast: Instant carnation breakfast mixed with non-fat milk. (It is like a slim-fast, basically a liquid drink powder (chocholate) with just nutrients/vitamins in it). Calories: 150 Fat: 0 Iced coffee, 2 splenda Calories: 20 Fat: 0 -Second breakfast: Special K snack bar - chocholate pretzel Calories - 90 Fat: 2 - Lunch: Hummus/cucumber slices, small mozz. cheese/tomato salad, grilled chicken w/ provolone sandwich. Calories: (guestimate: 350) Fat: 15 -Snack: Non-fat pomegranite and cranberry yogurt Calories: 100 Fat: 0 - Dinner: Grilled, skinless chicken breast, small poritions: Max & Cheese, Mashed Potatoes Gravy Calories: 450 Fat: 10 Total: Around 1300 calories and 28 grams fat I hope this helps, shows what a balanced days eating looks like, and shows you how MUCH you can eat and enjoy and it be healthy. This was a looong post - sorry. Just thought you might like an outsiders perspective. |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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hello M. thanks for your input. I always appreciate another persons thoughts on how to get thru some of my days. this particular post is about binge eating, and yes we digress and share our thoughts with one another. Your take on our situations is good, and yes, you could say that maybe we are enabling one another in some ways, but honestly i dont think so. I do believe that our coming here and sharing is a way for US to heal from the habits we have. I dont have bad days every day, some days are horrible some are wonderful where i dont have anything "bad" or unhealthy...but given that alot of the folks on this site are stress, overeaters, emotional eaters etc...i think we do each other a service to not beat each other up, to do the tough love roles on one another all the time because in some ways for some people that can also trigger eating issues. You seem to have a grasp on your eating troubles, if you have them, which it doesnt sound like you do. You seem to have a wonderful grasp on what you like to have and your focus is not having fat, perhaps ours is not that concern in particular. i realize also that the taco salad at wendys is not perfect, however I break my meal out into two meals, i do not eat it at one time. For me, if I am eating out, that is not a bad choice, esp if i can get two meals out of it. I am also familiar with many of the items in your daily plate and i use them often. Please see that this particular thread is focused on binge eating that would be the things that are not good or healthy or supposed to be big parts of our diets. You are only seeing one side of our daily struggles, achievements etc on this thread. :) I myself appreciate being able to share here, to listen and learn from others on this site. My outlet where I live is limited and not all the people in my life are concerned with losing weight, nor do I wish to share all my feelins with people here with me. I am grateful to have a place to "vent" if you will about food, and yeah, sure we all fall off, but i try to be good each day, i dont get up saying ok, today i will eat candy bars all day. Triggers thru the day get me to that point. I come here to share to try to get to the bottom of habits, situations etc and i try to improve on them. Its just not as easy for me, or Beatles for that matter, or heck anyone else on this site. I have a friend on here who has quit smoking, and as a result has gained and is trying to get her mind back on track. Its not easy. I dont think that the conscious is ever clear for any of us. I think that food is a poison for alot of us and its terrible but we are working thru it in a way that works for us. Call it enabling, call it supporting, call it whining and excusing ourselves, but please realize that we have a problem that isnt solved overnite and its not gonna be perfect overnite if ever. To be able to come here and admit that i eat in the kitchen hiding out is not something i brag or share with anyone, but to come here and share it is helping me, maybe not all the time, but MOST of the time and that is the best i can ask of myself right now. And I dont think Beatles would disagree with me. I also think that we do a lot of encouraging in terms of getting exercise, cooking at home, cleaning the house etc....i think we both do just as much supporting and encouraging of healthy habits as well. I am glad you have things in control! Good For You! Thanks again for your input! Please remember that what may work for you simply may not work for someone else, but sharing our thoughts ideas opinions on this site with each other hopefully will provide enough information for all of us to find what works for each of us in our own times! God Bless! Last edited on 6 November 2009 06:17 pm by BJD74 |
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MhartUF New Member
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Hi BJD74 I agree with your sentiment and I definitely agree that different people have different isuses regarding their approach to food and how their relationship with food. I also agree this forum is a wonderful outlet to express private feelings without having to feel bashful, ashamed or judged. However, I think there is a difference between clinging to an identity of having a bad-relationship with food and choosing to not make an effort to strive towards gaining control of your life. I very much admire the sincerity the both of you show each other and definitely can recognize a genuine friendship, but you both are not doing either of you any favors by not telling the truth. I wish you both the best, and hope only future successes in life - both in caloric conquering and personal happiness. I think you are both very nice ladies, and from the sounds of it in odd-emotional places, but you should stick to trying to do what is healthy. Make it more of a priority, hold eachother accountable rather than sweep it under the rug when the same eating downfalls occur. Just my two-cents. Have a terrific weekend |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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hello M, i guess maybe i am not sure how you see us as allowing each other to continue in our bad ways? i dont think i spare many feelings in telling beatles how i feel about her situation and honestly its not my place to make her be good each day. All I feel that we can do for each other is say its ok, and you can do it again tomorrow, start out on the right feet and move forward. I try every day to eat right and be strong, but its just not that easy. Being in a difficult place is the definition of trying to lose weight in a world that encourages overeating at every turn, junk around each aisle, commercials focused on food food food. Its hard enough to beat ourselves up inside our minds so forgive me if i allow her to vent and feel badly without my giving her grief too! Let alone myself! I do my darnest each day to eat right and i am fully capable of eating right and have done it for the last few years overall...with weak days of course, heck even weak weeks for that matter!! Right now, i have two other people in my house i have to consider who dont eat the fish, the veggies of all varieties etc, and we manage a house as well so to buy all the things i adore that are excellent sources of nutrition is physically impossible and i concede and therefor sometimes consume. Myself I am not clinging to any identity, i dont know who i will be at the end of the journey or somedays who i am now as i am changing. I am working thru my past each day, i am undoing the damage done over the last 30 years, by my own doing, by being a latch key kid who didnt have guidance in how to eat after school etcetcetc....i have learned much in my years and i am learning more each day. I am not attempting to cling onto anything except how to not hate myself for having a problem with food. I do not think you have a problem with food based on your confident statements and knowledge, and I think that you should be careful coming here and telling us we enable each other. Supporting when times are tough in my mind is not enabling, its loving them unconditionally. Choosing whether or not to tell them they are terrible people or not strong enough, or incapable of making good choices etc is up to each of us to do for ourselves, to ourselves and to others depending on the situation, should we be so bold in this virtual world.... I can only choose what i put into my mouth each moment. I can only encourage others to eat better, to exercise harder etc, but i cant do it for them. Its like a favorite actor of mine once said in a movie......"honey, we are alcoholics, we generally have a good enough time hurting ourselves, so we tend not to hurt one another" Or something to that effect. sorry if i get defensive but the thing i like about this site is that we can share, we can be honest, we can beat ourselves up more than enough, and sometimes others beat us up too...but i dont feel that any of us enable each other. I grew up around enablers and yes, i am guilty of being one before, but i dont see that here. I think we give each other the tough love in our own ways without making each other feel bad becausse we make ourselves feel badly enough on our own. Some may not really want to change, and you see they disappear from here, give up if you will, but if you have been here as long as i have, you can see that folks are genuinely caring, supportive, toughed love as they come and i doubt any of the people i regularly talk too would call any one of us enablers. good thing we are all entitled to our own opinions! :) its really hard for me to speak up without feeling badly about it, and i am 35 years old..it just shows you how long i have gone without having confidence in my own words without regretting them. i still have doubts some days, but we only live once right? i appreciate your input again and its ok if we dont necessarily agree. That is what makes us unique. Good Luck and have a nice weekend! |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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Beatles Girl....baby where are you? are you ok? please dont let one persons opinion of how we communicate on here keep you away from posting your feelings ok? I have heard from some of our friends on here who agree with how we all communicate so we are ok, just come back. DOnt give up! As for me, I am doing ok right now! I need to thank M for making me so upset because it has spurred me considerably...SO THANKS M! Friday, good day, had some sweets but i alotted for it thru the rest of the day by watching what i ate and getting in a 5 mile workout! Saturday, more sweets but not too bad. It was our anniversary and D brought me a snickers and a dozen roses...lol....he knows what i love! So, we didnt cook, we treated MJ and us to Dominos. I loved the breadsticks more than the pizza. I am definately changin the things i like as I dont have them as often, which is great. Not that i have ever been a big dominos fan, just pizza in general. SO i only had two pizzas for a total of 300 calories. No soda. No dressing to dip it. I enjoyed my snickers and it was my last snack after dinner. :) I also did my 4 mile super challenge that felt great! Sunday D was very sick and we took him to urgent care. He has a virus that basically swelled his glands so badly that he lost the ability to talk! and to eat! It was scary!!!!!! So, we left MJ with my folks again, and that is best since he is contagious for the first 48 hrs. I hope I dont get it. So, we didnt eat alot, we were busy out getting prescriptions etc and he only wanted a shake. So, of course i was starving by 4pm and I ended up getting a junior whopper and onion rings with a chocolate shake. Ate that stuff fast on the way home and had only 12 oz of my shake once i got home. I measured it out so i wouldnt have too much because I know how bad the calories are. I just wanted a taste. :) At my folks earlier I had some almond joys snack bars leftover from halloween but that was all i had eaten ALL DAY. Wasnt gonna kill me. After I got D settled etc in the evening I did my 2 mile walk/kickboxing video with my hand weights. Weighed in at 158 today. I was 161 last saturday so I am very happy that I am going down. :) Today has been another super charged excellent day, he is talking better today but still a whisper... :( Poor baby. We got alfalfa for the horses, 10 bales total and each weighed 130pds more or less, and I helped him put all of them away. Then I scooped the poo, cleaned the corral basically, then we worked on firewood, moving it to the back porch, so that was another 3 wheelbarrows that i walked about .25 mile one way. Then while he was napping I got in my 2.5mile walk/jog! :) Whoo Hoo! And also, I wanted to say that I had the 2nd part of my wendys taco salad and have enough left for yet ONE MORE MEAL!....so thats a record for me for making a meal stretch! I got 3 meals out of one meal! :) Very cool! Beatles, please let me know how you are!!!! :) |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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last nite i did ok, but i was very tempted to eat...eat...eat.....esp because D was eating after dinner. He is still getting his appetite back, and we had homemade soup for dinner so he munched till 930. I resisted overall, I had a handful of chewy gobstoppers that i had gotten for MJ, clearance candy from halloween. I had two cups of hot tea and water and a few almonds but nothing else. i did alot yesterday activity wise, kept pretty busy, then i did my 2mile fast walk with my stretchie band. :) overall a good day! |
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Beatlesgirl New Member
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Hi BJ, im sorry that I havent posted, ive been a bit unwell, i dont know why but the other day I woke up with headaches and felt like throwing up, in a month ive got an appointment with a hair specialist and he´´ll tell me whats wrong with my hair! Haven´t really been eating much these days, and a thing that really anoyed me was that I made my signature chicken soup only to find that two days later his mum had thrown it away, ok people tell me that maybe she thought it had gone off, but it was my soup, and I should have been the judge of that. I feel really unhappy about what that woman has been posting about, i am not a waste of space in the house, i get up early everymorning and clean the house with no appretiation from her, and i didnt just land myself on the front step, I asked for permission, and maybe its not the best arrangement but I was having a very bad time at that moment being bullied by my mothers new husband and being bullied at school for being a swot. yes I want my own home, but there are no jobs here in mallorca, things are really bad and I get so despressed about things, i want my own money, i want to be able to pay for my own things, even tampons! Well I didnt like the way she said that we weren´t honest or something like that, honesty is what this site is all about, and BJ, yes, yo do help me very much, you dont criticise me but try to give me your opinion and help. No im not paynig the bills becuase im 19years old and I dont have any money. And I moan about food because i want to loose weight and the house is full of unhealthy #%@&!, sometimes I go without food because I dont want to have the fried disgusting #%@&! thats in the fridge. Well on a happier note, my mum is coming to visit me at the end of the month, she will be staying in my aunties boat so I will see her in the day. It saddens me becuase she is having a tough time too, her husband cant find work and she earns a pitance, and they have so many bills and my little brother to look after. Tomorrow im going out for tea with a bunch of friends (they are all boys-but it doesnt matter, at least ill be getting out of the house for a while). last night i was really lovely dovey with my bf and he gave me loads of kisses, but its one day good other day bad. I´m reading a good book at the moment its called no angel, its really interesting. yesterday i went for a light jog, it nearly killed me! i will try to do some situps in the morning, i would really love a toned belly. And im not obsessed with being thin, i love my food, and anyone who knows me would tell you that I am the first person to choose a salad ina restaurant, many times weve gone out as a foursome and the three of them would be there with their double cheese burger and fries and me there with a salad, but thats how I am. I do indulge sometimes and i dont write about it here to clear it, nothing wil change what happens after you put that chocolate in your mouth, but I like beinga ble to share my feelings with you BJ, I mean seriously, I can tell my mother that im watching what I eat but she doesnt like me loosing weight. Most people think that this loosing weight stuff is like a mental disease and that I´m completely mad, I dont think so, I just want to feel happy in my own skin. One day we will get there BJ, I´m really happy that I can talk to you and that you dont judge me. Speak soon xxx |
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BJD74 Senior Member
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beatles baby, you are so young. i couldnt imagine living with my boyfriend when i was 19. Sure, I had one, we were (or i thought) pretty tight, but still...i needed mom and dad, I was goin to the junior college 3 days a week and working the other 4 part time. It was a good time in my life, but it was hectic. There is no better feeling that being able to provide at least some cash for yourself. Where do you live? How about a coffee shop? or a store even, just something that you can clear your mind, get some focus on YOU and growing for YOU. I am sorry things are so tough, we are in a small town too...but we do have shops, we do have the grocery stores, we do have places for folks to work, but my being 35, well, i dont know if I would just go to any of the places and apply for a job. Oddly enough I am considering in the fall when i get MJ started in Kindergarten that I may look for something very part time so that I dont become a couch potato. LOL......I do have a lot of responsibilities here at home, and I may find that I really dont want to be somewhere else when I am needed at home but right now, with money so tight the idea is tempting. I would only be able to go from 930am till 230pm, so odds are slim I can find something I COULD ENJOY and LIKE MYSELF DOING IN THIS SMALL TOWN. D may not be keen on it either because I would be doing all the stuff I do in the daytime after I get home, and is it necessary to make a small check and stretch my time? D would say NO! Stay home and be the mom you want to be! Anyway, time will tell about that area of my life. I know we dont harm each other in our sharing and helping on here. I was so worried about you! If I were there, I would go out with you and help you find something to do! :) I am glad you will see your mom soon! Yesterday, I had taken MJ to her next dentist appt, and well, so there she is in the chair, the dr is doing her thing and so i go to pee and when i get back the dr is telling me that MJ was uncorroporative. I could have cried because of course her tone gave me all indications that MJ was the one being bad, but the look on MJs face was scared child not rebellious child. BUt, the dr told me how she hasnt sent anyone away in so long, how she takes care of 2,3, 4 and 5 year olds that dont behave as she did. I CANT BELIEVE SOMETHING HAPPENED AND I MISSED IT!? I was so upset with MJ, totally peeved but then, I ran to mom and dad because I didnt know how to take this negative about my kid. My kid is a hand full but she is smart, she is brave, she is strong....and she was very excited for this appt. So, anyway, after talking to them, I started to think over what the dr said to me, how the other kids didnt do this, how 4yr olds just dont listen and she said that right to MJ, then she calls her uncoroporative? That was soo unprofessional. It ruined my day, I got upset with my baby girl for something that I am sure was not all her fault. The dr told her to close her eyes, to pretend the light was the sun and to open her mouth, she wasnt creative about it, she didnt say let me see how pretty you are when your eyes are closed, or can i see your pretty teeth, will you open your mouth? she had no treats or stickers for her as the last guy did, it just sucked. It made for us a tough day. I wont be taking her back there, we were referred to a PEDIATRIC dentist who does nothing but kids, whereas the place we went is a clinic. Its gone and done, but its left its mark. What a negative experience. I pray that MJ wont be afraid to go the next time. Last nite, D was so great, he sat with me while i told him all the things that dr said to me and MJ most imporantly. He also said that drs and patients dont always fit, that sometimes they clash and perhaps MJ coughed, or she moved just a bit, or the dr was having a bad day, etcetc....but no worries because she is our baby girl and she will get the right dentist. Then, he went and sat with her and they talked about it, she asked him to go to the next appt with us. Its the week of Christmas, the 21st. So he is off, oddly enough.....I am pleased he was asked and he said of course he would go with her. She will be fine. Its me who took it sooo personally. Somehow though, I didnt dive into food. Yesterday I weighed myself here at home, it was 162!~ i COULD HAVE CRIED!...then, at the dentist office it was 155 (the same as it was 2 weeks ago when we went and at home that day I was 158).....then today, i weighed in here again and it was 161.6! I dont get it. I havent eaten late at nite alot of this week, my calories have been down. the only thing i can figure is maybe the birth control pills, the YAZ i am taking for my PCOS and PMDD.....i am in the first week of a new pack, and possibly it has something to do with that. Lord, I just want 155 at home on my scale here... UGH! Is it going to get easier for us? :) It has too!!!! Big Hug and feel better!! What about school? can you apply for financial aid to go to school part time? Go Look for a job, dont worry about the type of job, just take a day and hit the streets. #%@&!, even a McD's wouldnt bad just to get you some cash in your pocket for your tampons! LMAO! :) Youre so funny beatles! :) |
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