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Nancy_in_GA
Senior Member
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Posted: 28 October 2009 07:29 pm |
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mollymoo24 wrote: And one of the very few pieces of advice I feel qualified to recommend to my young friends, and frequently do, is the mistake I've made of never choosing a path, of not trying full force for a particular goal or direction with my life's occupations, of thinking that there is a "right" or a "wrong" answer, or an ultimate truth...and while I try to figure it all out, time just keeps marching by, I keep getting older, time keeps passing while my choices all the while become more limited...I don't have "the rest of my life" any more, I have to wake up and smell reality, and try to get on with what is left....and "deal" with the terrifying knowledge that there will never be an ultimate answer or truth...and one day I will just die and it will end. And whatever and wherever I am at that point, on that day, that will be it. It could be tomorrow. It could be today. It's a bitter pill to swallow, to think that its all a sham, this fantasy of fulfillment, of self-actualization, of happiness...perhaps the more you search for it as an ultimate goal, the more you guarantee you will never find it...the very process of searching itself raises questions so deep and unanswerable that we are just left tormented...
Mol, you have some great entries in your diary, and this to me is one of the most insightful things you have ever written. But don't be terrified and tormented about it. We're all in this life together.
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
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| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 29 October 2009 02:18 am |
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| Yep, a lot of life's questions are unanswerable. I have a theory that the people who die happy are the one's that realize they have a mission, and give it their best to fulfill it, they can say "mission accomplished". I saw a pbs special about a guy who used to hunt bird and duck and geese etc, but then, he realized that man was forcing their extinction. So he spent the rest of his life making paintings of them. It was the guy the Audubon Society was named after. What great way to spend a lifetime.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 October 2009 03:28 am |
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Hi. First, Nancy thanks a lot. I read your post shortly after you posted it, but haven't felt like writing.
Jack, yeah, I would imagine that the realization the Audobon guy had just happened naturally - he probably wasn't spending days, weeks, months, and years wandering around lost in a bottle of booze questioning "What's my mission this in life?" "What is this clear vision I need to have in order to have the opportunity to one day realize fulfillment in my life?" Being passionate about something is the way to get inspired and move forward and realize progress, achievement, and some sense of personal satisfaction. I don't feel passionate about anything right now. I always get passionate about causes or projects for about a year before I move on to something else without ever really finishing the job...like how I was a big enthusiast for greyhound adoption, or neighborhood beautification, or running/weight loss, etc.
So I guess a good topic to explore, are what are the constants that have stood the test of time in my own life? Maybe the answers are right under my nose. (I shudder at this entire paragraph, since, if I may quote myself "perhaps the more you search for it as an ultimate goal, the more you guarantee you will never find it...the very process of searching itself raises questions so deep and unanswerable that we are just left tormented..."). Sigh. I feel so worn out.
In any event, today was another Day of Depression, tears for no good reason this morning and a lack of energy, a desire to shut down and just curl up on the couch tonight. I only got home at 8PM however, having worked a bit later, then going shopping for a gown for an event next Friday and getting a haircut, then on to run some errands. I tried to stop by the costume shop to get a provisional costume in case I end up at Shred's party tomorrow night, but there was a huge line just to get into the place. I will deal with that tomorrow if at all...and if I can't sleep tonight, the store is open around the clock.
I should probably recap a couple of things that I want in my journal which have occurred since the last post. Tuesday evening before heading to bed I sent Pitch an email containing "On the Threshold of Eternity" because I knew that it would resonate with him too, I told him it would blow him away and it did. Weds (yesterday) afternoon I received his response saying that he never cried before the first time that he heard a song; he was OK until he hit:
so what is left / waiting to be / the man i painted myself to be
and just sadly sit / with your eyes of gold / and my eyes wrapped uselessly around my soul
Of course, appreciation for great music being probably our most important mutual interest, there is a certain significance to this whole exchange...an echo of what might have been, and perhaps still isn't completely gone.
Last night, was the mum concert and they were completely awesome live. The sound at the smallish auditorium was gorgeous, nice acoustics, but it was just amazing to see them play all their various instruments, make sounds that somehow come together to make interesting and unusual music which delights the senses, along with excellent stage presentation, truly a treat. Chris met me there and we reconnected a little bit, it sounds like he has been socially withdrawing in general as of late and is not drinking, and it soothed a bit of my feeling that it was personal.
Against my own better judgement, I decided to go to #2 to see PAG for a short bit and ended up staying until nearly 3AM. It was fun though, and I decided to simply sleep in a bit this morning (OK a lot) and got to the office at 11AM. Irresponsible, but fun, and there wasn't anything pressing at work this morning. I was texting back and forth with Jason most of the night, initially when I was at the concert, he wanted to be alone and then I was already on my way to #2 when he changed around and started inquiring where I was...then his messages got increasingly erratic...then when I asked if he needed me to come over, he disappeared entirely. The dance continues. He's in a terrible headspace, I think, and I am only a small piece of the equation. I don't want to give up on him though.
I need to go for a 5-mile run tonight as a final outing before the 15K, but getting home late, feeling exhausted, being hungry, and facing the rain are all ganging up to make we want to stay in and eat dinner. I think coffee would help, but then, I will be up all night and I need sleep. Sigh. I may just end up writing some more.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 October 2009 05:41 am |
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Squish...Squish...Squish
A bit of good cheer, had an NSV tonight. Made myself a 350 calorie frozen turkey dinner (Marie Callender's - yum!), drank some water, putzed around on the networking site and started posting industrial videos and that got my energy up a bit. Then I started doing my running stretches and from there on I just went on auto pilot, geared up and ran 3.1M (5K) in the rain. Yeah it wasn't 5, but I already had made up my mind that 3.1 was good enough for tonight. I am still having to be careful with my calf muscles and have been having pain in my left heel since Florida so taking it easy before the big 15K run Sunday is not a bad thing. Slow again, because of the calf, 35:56 for 3.1 miles, really just jogging pace, but I am pleased. I am running to finish, not running to win.
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tourproven
Member
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Posted: 30 October 2009 03:26 pm |
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Hello Molly, I have been bored due to lack of activity on this forum and I have read a few of your last posts. It seems Nancy already has recognized a passage that you've written as being insightful. But for me, its not just insightful. It is absolutely identical to how I currently feel about my entire life. Uncanny to say the least; I could have written each an every word myself. It is a sad truth to contemplate, but nevertheless completely defining of me. You appear to be quite the writer, I was wondering if you are one? Do you have any other insights into the depths of my psyche?
"And one of the very few pieces of advice I feel qualified to recommend to my young friends, and frequently do, is the mistake I've made of never choosing a path, of not trying full force for a particular goal or direction with my life's occupations, of thinking that there is a "right" or a "wrong" answer, or an ultimate truth...and while I try to figure it all out, time just keeps marching by, I keep getting older, time keeps passing while my choices all the while become more limited...I don't have "the rest of my life" any more, I have to wake up and smell reality, and try to get on with what is left....and "deal" with the terrifying knowledge that there will never be an ultimate answer or truth...and one day I will just die and it will end. And whatever and wherever I am at that point, on that day, that will be it. It could be tomorrow. It could be today. It's a bitter pill to swallow, to think that its all a sham, this fantasy of fulfillment, of self-actualization, of happiness...perhaps the more you search for it as an ultimate goal, the more you guarantee you will never find it...the very process of searching itself raises questions so deep and unanswerable that we are just left tormented..."
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 31 October 2009 03:29 pm |
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Tourproven, I am glad that my post resonated with you as well. No, I am not a writer, at least not yet, although I take it as a compliment that you might think so - thanks. As far as the psyche, I really do believe that we are all individuals, not only "wired" differently but comprised of different life's experiences. We can but learn from each other.
And so, leading me to my 6:30AM, haven't yet been to bed, up for 24 hours straight post. I left the house on the rocketship tonight, jazzed about all the 'possibilities" and events I had lined up for the weekend. I fretted about getting to the bar where Jason's band was playing on time, only to find out that 8:00 was not the time the live music started, , it was the time the place opened. I was 20 minutes early but they let me come in and sit. I thinK Jason's band played from 10 to 11ish, they were not even the first act, so I really had it wrong. I hung out by myself for ages. Anyway they were good; Jason is in a wrist brace all the time except when playing and it is really painful for him to play, but he still obviously enjoyed himself and they sounded great. I am impressed and hope they don't break up, cause I think they have something. He spoke with me a bit before and then after I asked him if I should stick around; he said that there was quite of time left to spend with his mates on band stuff, and then the taking care of equipment etc, plus I know it has been a hard week for him...so we parted with an agreement to touch base later and I headed out...
...to Shred's Halloween party. The festivities included a screening of a rough cut of short horror film he has been working on. The keg was finished and copious amounts of other forms of medication administered. I am not surprised that I now have a headache. There was another girl from high school there and we chatted a bit. The night ended with some gambling via dice on the pool table then when the stragglers left some one on one time.
Yeah, I fell asleep writing this and am going to hit send now and try to catch a few more Z's. Peapod is supposed to be here any time now. I just coughed and OH! the number of cigarettes I smoked last night. Colossally stupid with the race tomorrow, as was drinking and getting dehydrated. Water and pasta for me today!!
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Beth
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 1 November 2009 04:24 am |
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MM, I read back a bit in your diary. Looks like you are still "blowing and going." This is good.
Take care.
Beth
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 1 November 2009 07:10 pm |
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I Feel Like a Winner and Quite a Bit Thinner
Woo hoo! This morning was the 15K (9.3mile) run and I was concerned that I was not only going to have a difficult time finishing in the allotted time, but that I was likely to injure myself, because my calf muscles were really tight and sore, in spite of my efforts to stretch and pump myself full of electrolytes and water all day Saturday.
As the start went off I had not been able to get my legs loosened up, and they never really got to a "safe", loose state. I had no idea what to expect and just wanted to survive the event without getting hurt. But I took it very light indeed, and managed to keep going. 3 miles was OK so I thought I'd aim for 5 before walking a bit. Then 6, then 7...at which point I knew I could gut it out and finish. When I hit 9 miles completed and there was only 0.3 left a shiver of emotion flooded through me; when I saw the finish line, I cried.  I love the people who clap and cheer for you and hand slap you when you are coming down the final stretch.
So, a personal best by far, and I beat my goal time by 14 minutes. 9.3 miles. Seriously.
This is the girl who, less than 2 years ago, joined this forum at 202 pounds and couldn't jog down to the end of the block. I am so pleased right now with how I have transformed myself and my life.
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tourproven
Member
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Posted: 1 November 2009 08:55 pm |
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Wow, that is fantastic! Thats the kind of story that gets me all emotional when I watch the Biggest Loser.
Way to go!
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Scoobees
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 1 November 2009 09:43 pm |
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mollymoo24 wrote: This is the girl who, less than 2 years ago, joined this forum at 202 pounds and couldn't jog down to the end of the block. I am so pleased right now with how I have transformed myself and my life.
Congrats to you MM! That seriously made me smile. Way to go!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 November 2009 05:50 am |
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Foodie Fest Reward
Hmmm. Well not sure I have that much to talk about. Had a lovely time today eating whatever the heck I felt like, cause on a day when you get in this much exercise, you pretty much can do what you want. So - deep dish pizza, some pasta, and peanut butter and turkey sandwiches. And leftover mini-butterfinger bars.
Ruminating on PAG
Last night PAG came over after work and I fed him dinner. He bought me a nice pair of black leather pants from Italy, and I was worried what the result would look like, but they fit really great, actually. They go perfect with a top I bought in Toronto which I could never find a skirt to match, so now its a killer outfit. Nice going PAG.  I've never been a fan of leather myself, but he likes it, and so it goes. I didn't go to #2 with him of course cause I had to sleep before my race today, but he came back after and then got up to drop me off at the race this morning. So sweet. And as always, when I am with him the darker stuff and nonsense in my life just melts away and we are simply happy.
So I don't know. Instead of breaking it off I seem to be tending in the other direction, of wanting to deepen our relationship. I've had a growing realization the past couple of days that because PAG is pretty simple and easygoing like L, I've projected onto him some other not-so-wonderful expectations which were L's weak points, and PAG isn't the same person. What I expect to be weaknesses, he suprises me with having substance. He's not lazy; he works hard at his art; he is motivated and productive and constantly posting new stuff. We've been laughing a lot together, in that special genuine way that you get to as a couple when you feel really comfortable with each other. Having been in the company of both Jason and Shred Friday night, two dark individuals who like me are struggling with their footing in life...PAG is just in a different class; self-assured but humble, nice but capable of a being a badass when provoked; happy to take each day as it comes but smart enough to make decisions with the long term in mind; well-liked and well-known, but with depth that only becomes known to a handful of close friends. He doesn't meet all the 'criteria' on 'the list' however, and I owe it to myself to continue to keep my options open. But give him up? No. And I am now in a place where I am not sure I even feel good about continuing to see anyone else. How is that for smitten? Sigh. Ah well. Give it a few days. When we are apart I seem to do better in keeping my distance.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 November 2009 11:21 pm |
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Ruminating on Shred
Just for good measure, as I meant to get this down for future reference should it be meaningful.
Friday night, Shred was stunned and pleased when I walked in the door. He knew that I had something with another guy going on that night, and I had doubted I was going to make it; if so would be last minute thing. He told me later that night that he really likes me. This is a suprising, since he occasionally hails me on the networking site and all that, but certainly has had ample opportunity to try a bit harder to get together with me. But the thing is, he's been a dead-on straight shooter, completely honest with me about anything and everything I've ever asked him. So I asked him if he really liked me better than the hundreds of girls throwing themselves at him and he said yes. But he also said that he's sorting through some things right now and not in a position to get into a relationship. So I dunno. Maybe that's why he hasn't tried harder.
This guy by nature of his charisma and what he does for a living is more than jaded with beautiful, sexy young women throwing themselves at him all day long. Surely he wouldn't like little old me if there wasn't some other attraction.
We also had an interesting conversation about trust. I trust him implicitly and when he says you will be protected and safe with him, I totally believe it. But I couldn't put my finger on that 'something' which still gives me pause. Maybe its because of all the craziness of this world that he inhabits where I think that normal rules don't apply and I don't understand much of how it all works...and perhaps I don't want to know. Anyway, his reaction to "I trust you, but yet I don't trust you" was that he wants to earn my trust.
I feel a bit afraid of him. It's like Michael all over again. Descending down the dark staircase into the cellar, afraid of what you might find there, but compelled through some morbid curiosity.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 November 2009 12:43 am |
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And #3
So Pitch just resurfaced on the networking site after being out of commission with H1N1 all last week. On Friday, I sent him a message regarding a website which has some options for transporting his mom's cat to Texas, which was stressing him out. He responded to it just now while I was online and in his message, asked how my 15K was. He then proceeded to read my page because he commented on a post that was a ways down from yesterday afternoon where I was lamenting the end of the weekend and had made a joke "somebody come kidnap me". Well I had 2 responses on there yesterday, S and another mutual friend Alicia and Pitch added "well...i guess if all you ladies are going to get together....I might as well join you and bring *this* along. It's a bedazzler." No sh*t Pitch. I freaking know that. Is this your way of trying to bring things back to a generic, harmless, community flirtation level with 3 'old friends' or was this a bit for my benefit? I HATE men. Perhaps a man could explain to me what Pitch was thinking.
Goody goody perhaps I will get the long awaited email from Jason soon too. That would be a riot. Not. It's time to unplug from the boy craziness again. I am going to turn off my phone, get off the networking site, shut down my email, and get out my crayons.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 November 2009 03:34 am |
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Sailing Away
Seeing my own thoughts spinning out on paper …PAG…Shred…Pitch…Jason…brought it more to my consciousness that I am on some level constantly in a state of thinking about, communicating with, or anticipating contact with these guys (in a collective sense). It’s pretty much around the clock. I check for texts if I have been away from my phone. I check email last thing before bed – and even sometimes get up and check it if I cannot sleep – to check for anything from Jason. I use the alarm on my phone now instead of my alarm clock since I got in the habit of keeping the phone close by at all times.
Forcibly shutting off the phone, email, and networking site this evening and sitting in the house in the quiet, I realize it has been a long time since I have done this. My evenings have been filled with physical exercise, sojourns to Starbucks, visits from PAG, and concerts as a diversion and stimulant.
Today I hit the first freak-out in a while at work about workload, impossibly long lists of things to be accomplished, and impossibly short timelines to finish things. My mind has been buzzing with so many good and stimulating and fun non-work things - I have been getting a lot out of life, IMHO, and I am happy about that. But after sitting down with the boss this morning and feeling encouraged that a promotion is coming and things are moving in the direction of taking on the Europe responsibilities, it’s a snap-to realization. Time is about up. My work life is about to get crazy again. Play time is nearly over. If I do the job I will be paid to do, it is likely that I won’t have time for multiple boyfriends, or clubbing every weekend, or little black dresses, or all my unique and interesting new friends who I enjoy. Or, for growing into the Mol who I think still has yet to be realized. Or for thinking clearly. Or for exploring.
Its really up to me to make this work. To combine taking on the new work assignments with delegating existing work to others; prioritizing, planning, and resourcing to get it all done without losing who I am, who I am becoming, and the benefits of why I wanted to do work in Europe in the first place.
So, taking this awesome “me” time and thinking time to my advantage, I hereby outline the principles of Mol 2010:
- I will commit to doing this new job for 1 year and if it is not fulfilling my needs and expectations, I will find something else
- I will explore at least 5 new European cities to a satisfactory depth
- I will visit Toronto at least once, hopefully twice
- I will vacation in Iceland
- I will not lock into a serious relationship with anyone before leaving
- I will not establish a serious relationship with anyone new during the year
- I will become an expert at doing the following “me” things while on the road:
o Having a running plan, including “safety precautions”
o Finding running events in which to participate overseas
o Eating nutritious and healthy food, incl. buying groceries
o Keeping up with new music
o Keeping up with friends via the networking site and email
o Documenting and sharing photos and stories of my adventures
o Continuing to journal
o Continuing to work on my writing project
- I will become an expert at the following things out of necessity
o Laundry on the road
o Traveling light/not overpacking
o Skype
o Managing all my contact info and email accounts
o Conserving money since the exchange rate stinks
o Sleeping on planes
o Sleeping, period
o Learning how my body clock best adjusts to time changes
o C-Dog logistics
o Coordinating grocery deliveries and having food in the house
o Basic greetings etc in the necessary languages
- I will become an expert at the following things for life continuity
o Staying involved and scheduling running/biking events
o Staying on top of club scene well enough to stay in the game
The part about not having a serious relationship is provocative. I do want to be in a serious relationship with the right guy but working more hours and being out of the country it will be much more challenging to see someone, to nuture and grow, and have an intertwined life with someone. This makes me sad because this is way more important to me than any stupid job. It will probably force me to make decisions about who is really worth spending time with, and who I need to let go. No more trying a wide variety of flavors in the “candy store”, there is just not enough time. I guess it’s the prospect of having no candy at all which makes me…Sad? Lonely? Insecure? Self-doubting?
At the end of the day, I believe that the typical trip overseas will last less than a week, with travel time and body clock adjustments we are probably talking 7-8 days. When I tack on a few days, that’s when it is really stretching out. It WILL be tough on any potential relationship to not see each other for that length of time. But as long as the trips are spaced out enough, it will all work out OK. I think initially I will be gone quite a bit but then go perhaps every 5-6 weeks. Getting the schedule and plan lined out for who I think I am going to need to see/meet with overseas and what the project timelines are will be a source of tremendous relief. Certainty. A plan. A vision.
Just writing about it helps.
And one final thing. After writing all this out, especially about the serious relationships there is one irretrievable consequence of the timing. The rugrats thing. A year from now I will be 41.5. If I am not in a serious relationship at that time, which I now realize that I must anticipate that I won’t be, then in accordance with biological clock time, this pretty much puts an end to the speculation. Yeah, I mean, it makes even less sense to consider having your first child at say 44 years old. So. This is it. And I need to see it with my clearest vision and be OK with it. And I am, I think, with the only caveat being that all-to-easy-to-envision scenario with the Pitch rugrats, The past 2 months I have played a mental game where in the back of my mind I have still felt that that path is open, and by taking on this assignment at this time, and not choosing the rugrats, that the path will be irretrievably closed. I believe that Pitch represents the best chance of happiness I could probably hope to ever have had in that regard and even now a certain sentimentality arises. But, you have to make choices and not all options stay open forever. There are windows of opportunity in life, and they close. This one, it is not the easiest to stay on one side of the river and watch that boat sail away. But it seems that it must. I guess I will think about this some more tonight. I kindof took that whole topic and had just stuffed it into my mental closet, but it’s in front of me now and begs to be revisited. So off I go…Last edited on 3 November 2009 03:37 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 November 2009 07:24 pm |
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Crash Coze
It is a gorgeous sunny yet cool day today, and would be perfect for running if my legs weren't still crippled from Sunday's run. I've realized, if I ever again want to go for a distance run, I've got to seriously get educated on training, and tips and tricks for how to recover faster (i.e. supplements and the like). Cause I don't think 2 days later I should still be hobbling. ?
Anyway, in spite of getting to bed at a decent hour last night I was completely exhausted in both head and body this morning, ended up resetting the alarm then finally succombing and calling in to work. I've still commited to get things done today, and I must, there is so much on my plate. But I am either feeling delayed effects from this weekend, or sick. Perhaps I do have a virus and that's what has been plauguing my muscles. So I have spent most of the day lying on the couch, intermittently dozing, and attended a one hour conference call. Hopefully my energy level will improve later and I will get some work done or I will be even further behind.
Ironically, I did hear from Jason last night before bed. Nothing of signficance, a couple of texts and emails of more 2 songs. He has yet to come forward and expose his thoughts and I know it is because he keeps changing his mind about what to do. He's great at "do nothing"...to the extreme...
I must be in really sorry shape, because this lovely day beckons for me to pick up and at least go over and work at Starbucks, but I am just not moving. Perhaps a warm bath next. I soooo would enjoy for PAG to pick me up later and take me over for a giant vat of homemade chicken soup at the Mexican place, but he works until 8. I want some TLC.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 November 2009 11:13 pm |
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Neutral Milk Hotel - The Aeroplane Over the Sea http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcgyKo7vbm4
what a beautiful face i have found in this face
that is circling all round the sun
what a beautiful dream that could flash on the screen
in the blink of an eye and be gone from me
soft and sweet, let me hold it close and keep it here
with me
and one day we will die and our ashes will fly
from the aeroplane over the sea
but for now we are young
let us lay in the sun
and count every beautiful thing we can see
love to be in the arms of all and keep it here
with me
what a curious life we have found here tonight
there is music that sounds from the street
there are lights in the clouds and there's ghosts all around hear a voice as its ringing through me soft and sweet, how the notes all bend and reach above the trees
now how i remember you
how i would push my fingers through
your mouth and make those muscles move
and make your voice so smooth and sweet
but now we keep where we don't know
our secrets sleep in winter clothes
with one you loved so long ago
now we don't even know
her name
what a beautiful face i have found in this place
that is circling all round the sun
when we meet on a cloud, ill be laughing outloud
ill be laughing at everyone i see
can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all...
Last edited on 4 November 2009 01:55 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 November 2009 12:25 am |
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Karen Carpenter - We've Only Just Begun http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__VQX2Xn7tI
Well Jack's Gordon Lightfoot song got me off thinking about the 70's and some of the great music from those days, and Karen Carpenter came to mind. I remember watching her on some live TV show with my family, and she not only had an amazing voice, but appealed to all age groups, something the whole family appreciated. We had an 8-track of the Carpenters that I used to listen to sometimes, and only recently finally sent it on its way via the donation truck along with numerous others. Its a sweet memory, though, thinking of those early family days, and of mom, and how precious memories like that are.
It has been a strange and super emotional day. I haven't been able to get up. I got so far as taking a bath then crashed on the couch. I cried over messages from Jason, the ambiguity of the situation showing the strain. I am so exhausted and dizzy and emotional and off-kilter today that I have even turned Jason down for this evening because it would just be a train wreck. He goes out of town tomorrow for I don't know how long, but I just can't deal. I haven't responded to PAG, or my friends SB or K who have hailed me. I am dysfunctional. And having had both ample rest and ample sleep the only thing I can think of is that it is more evidence of a downward swing. I missed my appt with Dr. B today, I think it is another week before I go back in. Right now I would like to stay on the couch with a blanket over my head for a week. I feel terrible. Not being able to drag myself to Starbucks, not even in the car, that is really saying something. My head is completely spinning. It's like a drug trip.
I've gotten no work done and there isn't much hope I am going to be feeling better in the next hour or two. Wretched girl now, and even more wretched I will be tomorrow at work...assuming I make it in.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 4 November 2009 01:31 am |
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just so you know, your link brings us to the flamming lips song "do you realize"
but i found the song and reading the lyrics, i knew i knew it! my old roommate used to play this song on the guitar and sing it too. i have always liked this song and totally forgot about it. thanks for bringing back good memories :)
i hope you are feeling better soon. i'm sorry things are so down right now. take care and listen to some happy music. it'll help.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 November 2009 02:04 am |
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Thanks Zen, I fixed the link. Flaming Lips "Do You Realize" was what I was listening to, thinking about Jason, when he sent me "Aeroplane". It was a strange moment because some of the lyrics and meanings echo each other.
I just went for a walk to get away for a bit. To the park and the overpass. It was painful and it took a very long time to hobble less than 1/2 mile and back. But it was good to get out. Maybe I just need some fresh air and exercise. Hopefully tomorrow my legs will be decent enough to really walk.
I don't suppose my body could be shutting down trying to heal itself? Seems extreme but just a question that popped into my head. Cycle wise its only day 9, so unlikely could be hormonal.
Last edited on 4 November 2009 02:16 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 November 2009 05:33 am |
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Chasing Ghosts
Well I've had a response, an explanation, an apology, a thank you from Jason this evening......its not goodbye and yet it rather feels like a slow motion fall over the edge of a cliff...
"several nights i have started writing emails to you explaining my inability to describe how to move forward... that's all it is for now... i'm stuck where i am and don't know how to move forward with anything in my life... you become victim to that not because i want that, but because i am unable to separate this from everything else..."
"this has been the hardest time i've ever gone through and i'm just trying to get through it... i'm sorry if i've tangled you up in it in a way that is difficult, but im thankful for your efforts to meet me in the clouds..."
With that a feeling of finality, a knowledge that he's not emotionally available, that he is too tied to the past, and at his pace, life will have long moved on for both of us before he is ready. Sad, sad sad.
And just now another email with an invitation to meet tonight, he intends to leave the house and not return all night, to wander until it is time to leave town in the morning I obviously cannot do it and am just turning off the lights to sleep...something tells me his wanderings will bring him here regardless...I'd better get to bed.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 November 2009 03:23 pm |
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Post Script
Yes. He did. I sensed that he was seeking refuge from the storm rolling over him the night before heading back to the hometown and facing some things going on with the family, and with his past. He reached out again and I told him it was okay to come over and lay his weary head next to mine.
We are still where we were. It was nice to be close to each other for a while...and now I know he will flit away and withdraw again as he always does when things get too close. Our understanding continues the same, he will continue to work on battling his demons, and I will continue on with my life and other relationships. We will take things as they come, and have no expectations for the future, except a promise to never leave without saying goodbye.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 4 November 2009 08:05 pm |
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"except a promise to never leave without saying goodbye"
those words strike a deep chord within me i have had connections in the past, i have connections now, that hold those few little words in high regard. those words are so terribly important to me. A in my old town, E in another, B across the country... yes, i know those words and i know that promise. it brings a feeling of nervousness along with a sense of relief... hope you are ok.
and i have a song for you. it's a sad one, but it's really lovely and beautifully sad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37k_Ri1XxEc&feature=fvst
elliot smith, between the bars
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 November 2009 12:01 am |
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Zen, I am not sure in what sense you meant your comments, but in my case the promise to "never leave without saying goodbye" isn't meant in the geographical sense, although it could mean that. But I meant it to refer the relationship, the bond, the "us", however that is defined. The worst thing about Michael was that he withdrew gradually and never said "look, this isn't working, I don't want to see you any more", he just created distance. It was a slow, painful death to the relationship - at least for me - as I struggled to figure out where we were and what was happening. Jason is at such an intense, confusing and dark time in his life and I am cognizant that once he starts figuring things out he won't need or want me any more. Likewise, I may find the need to end it for reasons of my own. Closure will at least bring a bittersweet ending to what we have, instead of months of searching for answers.
Regarding the song...it is dark and certainly echoes inside me...its easy enough to apply it beyond the literal, to mean indulging in any form of medication, be it alcohol, drugs, or other forms of numbing intoxication...like journaling or guys and texting...
I have to change gears now however...
Wrapped In a Warm Blanket of Life
So says my networking site status. Today in spite of a decided lack of sleep, I was really on my game and feeling once again how lucky I am in my life and overall how good I have it. Fun and few restraints, fortunate to have wonderful and amazing and just plain good people in my life, respected and admired more than I give myself credit for, free time and a good income, and health. I think to a degree my brain must be rebounding from yesterday, and perhaps last night's coze with Jason is feeding into it, but it is good to feel upbeat about life again and feeling more 'up to the challenge' at work.
I think after last night I will be OK if Jason withdraws. He finally let himself just be in the moment with me, shutting down the screaming relentless questions in his mind, and we slept in each others arms all night. It was a breakthrough for him and I know that last night I reached him, I reached him; that he felt for that span of time not alone and buffeted by the world but rather the reawakenings of a long-dead desire to be with someone - to be held, cared for nutured, to put the tiniest bit of himself into the trust of another, if only for the space of a few hours.
On the business end of things here, I need to do my toning, then get on a work assignment due tomorrow. I also have been added to a "secret" project team at work, relating to my new duties I haven't yet accepted, but there is a full day meeting tomorrow that it wouldn't make sense for me to miss and have to make up the ground later. So...I am pretty chuffed about it. Will be sitting at the table with the 'big boys' on this one.
I've suddenly gotten sleepy however...gee, what a surprise.
Oh the calves are much improved but not quite ready to be pressed into a brisk walk. Weight after work 130 but I think I am waaaay dehydrated so probably at least 132.
That's all for now!
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 5 November 2009 03:18 am |
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to clarify, i was referring to the emotional. the physical part just happened, but the concern for the emotional distance was there long before
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 November 2009 06:03 am |
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Zen - I should have figured as much but it was just the way your response was phrased that I wasn't certain.
Anyway, I am dog tired but have to quickly get down about my evening at Starbucks. I went over around 8 to do some work because I haven't been in a while, and I've been around the house too much lately. So I get there and Dell, my Morroccan admirer is there, first time in weeks our paths have crossed. He asked for 15 minutes after I was done working, so I tell him I am going to be there a couple of hours, and he goes and drops his friend off and comes back to talk to me. Full court press - asking me out, complimenting my eyes, turning on the charm, he even named the exact date he first met me, and where, and what we talked about and the fact that its been since June, blah blah blah. So I told him I have a boyfriend now, and after the initial disappointment, he continued to ask if I would call him when I am going to be at Starbucks next so he can see me again. 
So I go outside to smoke a cigarette. I say goodbye to Dell and while he is walking to the curb I whip out my phone and start sending a text to PAG. "@ Starbucks. My Morroccan admirer was here. I broke his heart and told him I have a boyfriend now. ;)" I hadn't quite finished typing it in when someone stops directly in front of me on the sidewalk...I look up....Stanley. My Polish admirer. The one who was reading Anne of Green Gables. Sheesh. Timing. I came here tonight to work, people! I finished sending the text to PAG, who thought it was a riot. Then Stanley planted himself in chair waiting for me to be done working so he could talk to me. Stanley is actually a super sweet guy, handsome, gentle, a hard worker and has a decent job. If I were totally free I might very well go out with him once and see. However now I am not interested in dating him, yet I haven't found the exact way yet to tell guys like this, "You're a nice guy, I like you, but not in that way, lets be friends". I think he wants to ask me out. I had given him my email and phone # previously because I enjoy his company and talking about books and helping with his English while I am there for a casual cup. He asked me for my contact info again tonight because he lost it. So I gave it to him and now I see he has already sent me an email before bed with his contact info wishing me a good night. I gotta nip this in the bud, figure out a way to just say it.
Good night! Sleep time.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 November 2009 02:40 pm |
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I was so exhausted, I actually slept! How refreshing!
I did do my toning last night before heading to Starbucks, and I ate decently, until I broke down at 11 with my old late night snacking habit. My achilles heel. Weight still 130 but still think I am a bit dehyrated.
I am getting ready for the 'secret' meeting in a few minutes.
Thoughts are of Jason. I didn't mention it Zen, but he's from MN and that's where he has gone, family wedding. I don't know what part exactly but it has crossed my mind how funny it would be if he went to high school with you or you otherwise knew him. Minnesota has been a weave of threads lately and not sure why. My friend I from Toronto has a special American friend there, a really beautiful odd artistic soul who friended me one night on the networking site. There is something else; it is slipping my mind right now. I realize its a big state, but having never had any reason to pay attention to MN, its funny it keeps coming up. Perhaps that will be my next pilgrimage.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 November 2009 02:16 pm |
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Let's see. Last night was fairly low key. Dress shopping, new headphones, then back to the house, L picked up mail, he was stoned and yammering so I cut him short by having him drop me off at the pub to work for a spell. My calves are still not up for exercise; I think I really need to do some deep massage on them.
Today is going to be a huge foodie day. In addition to a late night food fest and some drinks last night, I already had breakfast, have a departmental lunch today and then a formal dinner tonight.
I didn't find a gown like I wanted but that's the way the cookie crumbles. Deciding between really plain long-sleeved business dress and more romantic flowy sleeveless dress for which I will need to find a shawl or short jacket to cover up the tattoos. The whole night will be a bust since only 3 people I know are going to be there. Probably why I didn't put more energy into getting "the" dress like I originally wanted.
So more shopping is planned after work (leaving after lunch), then toning, shower, dress, and go. I am not so very excited and will probably leave @ 10, run home and change, and go to event night @ #1. I have missed the dark music lately.
Time to get my day started! So much to do today!!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 November 2009 05:57 pm |
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The Colors in Life's Palette
It's Sat AM and another low-sleep night. But a good one. Had a good time at the Gala, it was way larger than expected and very classy event. R&S were there, along with M, and M and I in particular had a fabulous time. She is my friend who had her first baby at 40 and her 2nd at 42, is 46 now, and, like me, is savoring being at a point in life when maturity and wisdom replace anxiety over things in life, where, having worked hard, invested and saved, there is enough money to not be very concerned about the buffeting storms of the economy. She however, and the other two, were very curious about this life of mine that I have carved out now...the transformation, the living-for-today, the clubbing and the upcoming European work - and in M's case, on the side, lots of questions about my my love life and how exactly it all 'works'. LOL. I don't give too many people i/r/l a peek into that part of my life and many people would find it downright offensive or...untasteful...or boring...or whatever. And then there are a few people like M who 'get it' and say - live for today - enjoy life - and are happy for me that I have found an approach to this life that, at present, feels right and helps me to see more of the colors in life's palette.
M dropped me home then I changed and went to #1 for a while. Spent some time talking with L and X, then went upstairs where eventually Chris met me, and later a DJ friend. I talked Chris into giving me a lift over to #2 to meet PAG - Chris wasn't going to go, being it was a 'noise' night but I threw him the cover. It was cheaper than a cab and I always like riding around with him. A nice mix of regulars @ #2. One of the gals was excited about a dress I had given her, delivered for me last week by PAG. Sweet.
PAG spent the night and is still snoozing away. I am so envious of him, his ability to sleep 8-9 hours a night. If I have to wake him up for some reason he goes right back to sleep after. He also has extremely vivid and interesting dreams and remembers all the details. I suppose its the creative mind at work? Anyway, I slept, broken from about 5 to 9. I am washing his work clothes right now so he can go straight back to work today from here. I love doing it. I dunno. I like cooking for him too. It's so...domestic of me. Can't quite put my finger on it, maybe its because he is so easygoing and appreciative that I don't get anxious about it, its just a simple pleasre. I dreaded trying to cook for Pitch, because he is so good at it himself, and certainly has had more exposure to "finer" cooking. Isn't that funny. I have performance anxiety in so many ways its not even funny. Topic for later exploration. Maybe that's another reason why I was with L. Hmmmmmm.
Its is a super glorious day, and I have a list of chores lined out and want to do some things outside. PAG will come back over later and we are planning a firepit in the yard to take advantage of the gift of warm weather. Then a movie or something. Dare I say...we may stay in?
Rest of the World
Shred hailed me a while ago and solicited me to come over today but I am just as glad to already have a full day.
I don't expect to hear from Jason until at least Monday when he is back in town. He is getting gifted a car which he is driving back and he says he is planning to go on a lot of road trips soon to get perspective on things.
Pitch is in NYC and I got a brief message from him last night as we try to figure out whether we are going to see Devo next week. Ball is in his court, he has a lot going on for work the next day. It would make things easier for him if he stayed here overnight but I decided that its not a good idea to make that offer. I wouldn't want the temptation for something to happen opportunistically between us.
I gotta get my schedule figured out cause it looks like I am London bound in a couple of weeks after all.
I also gotta quit smoking again. I was dancing last night and got winded really easily.
Hoping for a light run today, haven't had a run or walk since last Sunday. Believe it or not the calf muscles are still not good. But I am going to massage them a bit first.
OK, hopefully I will have more time for journalling before this weekend is out. I should be on the patio @ Starbucks! Perhaps tomorrow. Lovely lovely weather.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 November 2009 05:58 pm |
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Last edited on 7 November 2009 06:12 pm by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 November 2009 04:48 pm |
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Refreshed and Inhaling Life Deeply
This morning feels fabulous.
First, although PAG was over last night, I was pretty worn out, and I went to bed while he went out for a couple of hours. I slept from 1 until 9:30. All caught up and feeling refreshed now. Second, the sun is out and it is a cool crisp fall day. Third, its Sunday and a Sunday where I have not one single essential obligation - except to ME, to have a great day.
Yesterday was the first day I tried to excercise, still dealing with pain and stiffness in my legs since last Sunday's 15K run. I did my toning pretty aggressively on Friday including some squats and perhaps that kept putting off 'recovery. It was not pretty, I went to my woods and stretched and stretched and was planning to just do 5K. I was only able to jog intermittently at best and walked a LOT of it. So 3.1M 1.5J/1.6W or so. And the smoking is making a big difference. I don't know why I don't seem motivated to quit right now. However I have been in a stressful tornado, and inexplicably emotional and blue; perhaps if I can hit a calmer even-keeled patch I'll get on top of that monster.
Ran all kinds of errands yesterday afternoon - groceries, dog food, firewood, wine store, laundry - and feel like I am catching up a bit on things. I've had so many things going on that I forgot what it is like almost to have the simple pleasure of feeling 'on top' of things around the house and in general.
Last night, I *proudly* cooked dinner, brats on the grill, with grilled veggie skewers (red pepper, zuchinni, squash, red onion) and macaronii + baked potato salad on the side. We were so stuffed we never got to dessert, which was key lime pie. Of course normally I/we don't even have dessert but last night it just seemed to fit. Anyway, we enjoyed the firepit afterward for a couple of hours. Conversing, cuddling, and making each other laugh so hard my head and stomach were hurting. Its been a long time sing I laughed that hard. Just some stupid goofiness about the lone brat left in the fridge (Greg) and the four brats in our tummies (Frank, George, Lisa and Paulette) and the storyline that ensued. PAG does character development without even trying at it, and while it is one of those times you "had to be there", I think we are both going to remember it for a long time. I won't be surprised if he does some drawings of the characters now because that was cracking us up thinking about it.
Anyway, it was not planned this way, but it has been an all-PAG weekend. He hasn't been home since Friday morning - either work, or my house, or #2. I am glad that it hasn't been constant, cause I don't want it to feel like he is settling in here. Same time, I am glad his work shift at his one job is now starting 1 hour earlier. Which means on the weekends if he stays over he will be out of here around 12:45. This gives me more time in the afternoon to do my own thing, so it works out. It also may force him home a bit earlier from #2 which will help me get sleep.
So I don't mean for our lives to become more intertwined but clearly bit by bit it is happening. Last night he asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving and since I am either doing "nothing" or will be overseas, I promised to come to his parents house for dinner. But I am feeling like I don't want that to happen, that step of introduction to the family which constitues a complication and involves more people. The community at #2 is cool, because after all it is a club community and no one cares dramatically about your personal life beyond it, and knows that these relationships can be transitory affiliations. I am not sure PAG's family will see it that way. I think it has been years since they met any girl of PAG's.
Goals for today:
Spend time at Starbucks journaling time yes, journaling no.
Walk 3 miles done.
Toning nope. resounding boo.
Catch up on newspapers and bills done.
Back up computer nope. eh.
C-Dog bath nope. and he stinks.
Call S (bday) and SB (perhaps league hockey tonight) done.
Finish DSR paperwork nope. just didn't feel like doing work.
Plan UK/Europe Trip, Thanksgiving and December timelines started.
Drop off C-Dog sitter's uniform done.
On the musical mental jukebox this morning:
Tom Tom Club - Wordy Rappinghood http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53V7lt7H6m8
Last edited on 9 November 2009 05:51 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 November 2009 12:55 am |
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Human
Well, it didn't take a late night for me to have 'late night snacking" to a major degree. After Starbucks I came home, and had dinner though I'd eaten a decent lunch a few hours before. Had a lovely vegan-ish dinner of salad and a roasted veggie/hummus sandwich. Got sleepy and laid down on the couch, then in my drowsy state my mind went "Food!" and I got up and had a leftover brat (Greg), a sizeable portion of leftover cheese ravioli, and 2 pieces of key lime pie. Its dangerous having food in the house.
I was @ Starbucks for a couple of hours. The temps here were so nice, I think it got into the low 70's here, so I sat on the patio. Stanley was there and sat with me for about an hour, talking and reading and asking me about certain unfamiliar words again. One of the words was 'slut'. I kid you not.
We did have an interesting talk about decision-making and about choosing a path. It turns out Stanley doesn't have a house or condo - nor even an apartment - he rents a room. He says that a few years ago he considered purchasing something, but he cannot decide whether to stay in Chicago or go back to Poland. He has been here 9 years, and is not unhappy, but he doesn't really have anyone and he has family back in Poland, including a daughter. He says he cannot decide...and asked me for some advice on how do I make decisions? He pointed out that I was a manager in my job and asked if I didn't have to be good at making decisions to do my job? It was thought provoking but in the end of the day I told him that actually I am change avoidant (so is he) and that I had recently figured out that the process of trying to come up with the "right" answer is only a path to unhappiness and that it was best to just do what feels 'right' and be content with being reasonably happy, as defined by only yourself and your own expectations. Also, while I haven't yet learned to do this, that in theory it is better to choose a path and move forward and if you aren't happy with the outcome, there are not so many things in life where you cannot reverse course - even moving back to Poland in his case - he could always return to Chicago.
Stanley also asked me if I had any regrets in life and I told him truthfully, that I really don't. In retrospect didn't always make the best decision, but my experiences shaped me for who I am, brought me to where I am today, and yeah I should not have married L but I don't regret it. He made references to some regrets in his life but that he didn't want to go into details. I don't like hearing that; I cannot imagine dwelling over the 'what might have been'; but then, I dwell all the time on the question "what should be?" And isn't that simply another path which winds around through the woods and deposits you at the same juncture of inertia?
I feel like I should be journaling deeply today but there is some kind of mental block. I am still quiet and understated; I feel peaceful, yet like I am missing an opportunity to make some forward progress. Where has my inner Mol gone??? I got out my guitar earlier and tried to learn Good Riddance by Green Day but gave up pretty quicky when my fingers started hurting. Seems like I don't want to do anything which requires effort. Along those lines, haven't given C-Dog his bath; drove not walked to Starbucks; not inclined to go for a walk or toning later either. Am I apathetic? Just more tired than I think, things caught up to me?
Its actually a decent night for a firepit. I could choose to sit by myself with my laptop and write or watch a movie and listen to music. Or I could invite someone over. But I just sit here on the couch, with a fat-full belly and a silent six-string next to me. Oh, I think its time to talk with the Dr. about upping my Wellbutrin again. I've had plenty of coffee today and its not even keeping me awake, just a tad jittery.
Waiting and wondering when I am going to hear from Jason. He will be back in town tonight or tomorrow at the latest. I won't be surprised if there is a pregnant pause in his communications. Pitch flies back into town tonight and I expect that tomorrow he will make up his mind about the concert Thursday. If I am still in my current funk, I won't want to go or to see him; I certainly don't feel the "vibe" to go to the Skinny Puppy concert tomorrow either. Staying out late will take energy I don't presently have.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 November 2009 06:04 am |
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Waiting
A little bit before 10, being in my usual Sunday evening funk, I realized that I was waiting. Waiting for the next communications from Pitch and Jason, which could in each case come tonight. I ate all that food and was lazy and unproductive all day. And all the while time is passing and every minute is a minute closer to the weekend being over and the workweek starting again. "Dread of Stress" I guess I could call it. I feel anxiety.
Somehow I got my shoes on and my Ipod and started walking to try to clear my mind and do some thinking. I was aiming for 6 miles, and actually I was drawn toward Jason's once again, but for once I felt some uneasiness in walking alone at night. I went into several stores along the way and no one carries mace or pepper spray; possibly the city has banned the sale, I don't know, I thought it was carried pretty commonly. I think it was a combination of venturing out of my usual territory into sketchier parts, coupled with the mild weather which generally makes it easier for an opportunistic bad guy to be hanging around. I generally don't feel afraid in bad weather because it is much less likely someone will be lurking in the cold, wet, snow, rain etc.
So I thought if I got 6 miles in it would have burned off the two pieces of pie. As it turns out, I only got in 4.8 due to the fear factor driving me closer to the house, and my heel hurting. I pulled the pie box out of the trash and found out each piece has 330 calories, which means 660 calories in pie, and only 4.8 miles walked, so I probably burned a piece and a half. Net calories for the day then were probably around 2000. I really have been out of control lately on calories. Add in the lack of exercise and drinks and I am really packing it on. Tomorrow is Monday, weigh in day. Let me try to start over fresh with a new week.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 November 2009 06:31 am |
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OMG, heart in throat, just checked email one last time and there was a message from Jason. He has been back in town 20 minutes he says, reread one of my emails from Tuesday and briefly clarified that his feelings for me have been constant, the back and forth in his mind has solely been about how to move forward in the context of everything else. He also thanked me for a number of things, for letting him spend the night ("a good night")...trusting to leave him alone in my house with a key to lock up...
More to come, he says, I sure hope that the time away and on the drive back helped him to think about some things...
OK, gotta get to sleeeeeep now. That was a nice nitecap.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 November 2009 05:57 pm |
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Monday, Monday
Well, my dread was not misplaced; it has been an intensive fire drill since the moment I walked in the door this morning. Deadlines looming and stuff needing to be reviewed, argued, vetted, in short order. Feels like things are out of control. I am working at maintaining my calm but there are so many uncontrollable demands on my time. I also have a concert tonight (Skinny Puppy) which is going to eat up most of the evening hours.
Last night I ended up sending a short reply to Jason and then dickering around online, so went to bed around 1:30. Alarm at 6, hit the snooze until 6:25. Tonight will probably not be a good sleep night either, figuring this concert will run pretty late. Tomorrow is also jammed or I would at least sleep in or take the day off.
Around 12:30 last night, on the couch in the den, through the open window I heard a single gunshot then the bullet whiz by. Wondering how darn close that thing had to be for me to have heard it. Very unusual for my neighborhood.
I weighed before work today and the nekkid weight was 131. So I might be slightly better than planned today. Official weigh-in after dinner as always.
I want to get home in time to do toning. If I can get in a walk or run it will be a bonus. So glad I took that long walk last night. Trying to be accountable.
Calorie target for today: 800. So far, brekkie = 180. lunch = 335 (515IN, 285 remaining). This is good - I can have a yogurt and another hummus/grilled veggie sand, or possibly a turkey burger patty w/salad).
Last edited on 9 November 2009 06:30 pm by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 November 2009 06:31 pm |
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| Well I just solved the problem by pushing back tomorrows staff meeting by a week. Everyone was relieved; we are all under the same crunch. Cool.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 November 2009 11:56 pm |
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Home from work. Dog tired. No pun intended. Concert starts @ 8:30. If I leave house by 9:15 I should be there by 10 which is probably the time Skinny Puppy will start playing.
So...I am going to try for a nap, then toning, then dinner, in that order. Then face the scale. DUM---DA-DUM-DUM. 
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 November 2009 02:14 am |
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Dinner: 250 (turkey patty)+20 (olive oil)+130(salad-added avacado)+70 (couple bites of macaroni salad= 470 + 515 earlier = 985. Whoops but still quite decent overall.
The goddess of naps shone upon me, which happens rarely; I went out like a light for nearly an hour. Who knows how much longer if I hadn't have awakened by ringing phone. Pitch. I won't call him back til tomorrow. I am too groggy.
Toning isn't going to happen in spite of having put the outfit including the shoes on before napping. I can never do it after I have eaten, I would totally vomit.
So I guess that means weigh-in, and start to get dressed for the concert. Perhaps I will walk to Starbucks first and catch the train from there. Better hurry...
Verdict: 130.5. I think I am getting off light due to loss of muscle mass...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 November 2009 06:47 am |
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The Skinny Puppy show was great and a saw some familar faces in the crowd - a number of folks from the old club circle DJ A, SH, R, Ken, I also know that Jax, Ian, Carlton and Prop were all there too, though I didn't see them. I had company on the walk back to the train and virtually all the way home as SH lives about 1.5 blocks from me. That was a pleasant way to spend the rest of the evening.
The train. I've developed a bit of a love affair with taking the el the past couple of weeks. It runs close to many venues and walking the extra bits to-and-from gets me some exercise. Its also only 2.25 for a ride, as opposed to the 15-25 a cab costs with tip. I think it is because the weather is decent right now; you don't sweat and you don't get rained or snowed on. It's been a nice change of pace, saves money, and you get a different view/sense of the world.
I went late night snacking since coming home; made a roasted veggie/hummus sandwich; then a turkey/cheese sandwich along with some baked scoops. Altogether probably close to 430 calories. I also had a drink at the show. 130 calories(?). Walking this evening - estimating about 1.7 miles. Altogether that puts the day close to break-even I would guess.
I need to get to sleep soon but I feel like hanging out online for a bit before going to bed.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 November 2009 05:42 pm |
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Reminder
Today, I remind myself that creating muscle helps me burn more calories more efficiently. I commit to doing my toning and also a 3-mile workout, at least 1.5 of which I will jog.
Calorie-wise so far: Yogurt/granola/berries-220; chicken salad/veg/bleu cheese bits - 330. Total IN: 550. Plan to limit dinner to 500-550 and getting in my workouts will equal a successful day.
Dr. B. this afternoon. Need to talk about my low moods, lack of energy and focus, and increased anxiety.
Work is incredibly packed but I feel good that forward progress is happening on a number of fronts. Trying very hard to get some things wrapped up so I can be positioned to focus more on Europe in December. Still haven't heard whether I am going to be promoted/raise/etc. I guess its not a high priority for anyone. Meantime, a reorg was announced yesterday and more expected to come next day or 2 which could have some implication on who and how interacts with me and my team here in the U.S. Tormentor is likely part of the equation. Just waiting for more information.
Getting irritated with Pitch that he didn't at least send me a note about Thursday yet. Perhaps he is tired and that is weighing in the balance as he sees how his week goes. Nothing further from Jason, not that I necessarily expected it yet, but of course waiting and wondering where this is going to head next, it is a bit difficult to be patient. It is a grey, leafless, chilly damp day here and somehow that always puts me more in mind of him.
Time to get back to work...so much to do, so little time...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 November 2009 05:42 pm |
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Home. Couch. Inertia. Headache. Tired. Uninspired. Crud.
Last edited on 10 November 2009 11:10 pm by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 November 2009 11:52 pm |
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Dinner:
Honey turkey verde sandwich - 12-grain bread (120) honey turkey (80) miracle whip light (30) salsa verde (20) grated romano (45). = 295
Veggies: grape tomato, red pepper, squash, zuchinni (50)
Ms. Stacey's Pita chips/sm. bag (130)
Baked Scoops 1 oz (120)
Total = 595. + 550 earlier = 1145.
OK. I can live with that. However my brain doesn't feel full and I already want to go in the kitchen. I am drowsy which is my most vulnerable time. I am staying on the couch which is the worst possible place to be (other than directly in the kitchen). I can see this evening is a bust but I feel really poorly. I may have forgotten my Wellbutrin today, I guess I will go ahead and take one now. If I can get up and make it over to Starbucks later and get some coffee, maybe everything will come out all right.
I hate my brain.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 November 2009 01:31 am |
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Napping
I fell asleep for about an hour actually. 2nd nap in as many days. Definitely not normal for Mol. I think I slept about 5 hours last night though because of the concert so that contributed. Usually I can't nap at all though so something's different.I talked with Dr. B today btw and no doubt in her mind its a chemical downswing. However she's not certain for herself whether its bi-polar or depression and they are treated so differently she'd like to just see what course this takes on its own without further intervention, if I can handle it. She also wants me to take another Thyroid test to rule that out. I will see how I am doing over the course of the next week. I am really strugging though.
Snacking
Upon awakening I snacked badly. Peanut butter & bread (215) then I was craving something with tomato sauce base and so I had a hot dog with loads of ketchup and 1/2 hearty bun (280) = 595 bonus calories. Without exercise, then, this day is a weight-gainer. I haven't calculated my maintenance calories in a long time. Think I will do that and come back, to see how much I would need to make up for tonight.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 November 2009 01:42 am |
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5'2" 40 YO F, current weight 131 lbs:
BMR 1,327 RMR 1,217
Factor
Category
Definition
BMR
RMR
1.2
Sedentary
Little or no exercise and desk job
1,592
1,460
1.375
Lightly Active
Light exercise or sports 1-3 days a week
1,825
1,673
1.55
Moderately Active
Moderate exercise or sports 3-5 days a week
2,057
1,886
1.725
Very Active
Hard exercise or sports 6-7 days a week
2,289
2,099
1.9
Extremely Active
Hard daily exercise or sports and physical job
2,521
2,312
So, I am sitting at 1735IN for the day. I would need to burn 500 calories tonight to make up for the snacking. At my weight that is 6.7 miles of walking. My heel is still painful and gets worse with use. Sigh. What a wreck I am.
The shipwreck of Mollymoo - an epic tale. Let us hope that this tale does not involve a whale!
Last edited on 11 November 2009 01:48 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 November 2009 01:56 am |
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Alright, I am going to at least walk to Starbucks and back, however I don't feel like interacting with the public....here's the perfect song for my mood...
Portishead - Wandering Star
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEQNAZGoZrw
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 November 2009 05:44 am |
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Rebound
Well, at least I can end the day on an up note. I wandered over to Starbucks and spent a little over two hours there. Planning for a hectic tomorrow; prioritizing; talking with Steve about some of the reorgs and trying to strategize whether there is potential exposure which could derail my new assignment and how to combat it.
Then I spent some time journaling and it was a very useful session. What I realized, is that perhaps there is an undercurrent here which may have something to do with my changed moods. Chicken or egg, who knows. But, I realized that I have no plans or vision or goals right now for the months ahead. Coming into October, I had signed up for all those concerts and two trips out of town and I knew it was going to be a hectic time. But that was my time horizon and I didn't line out much beyond that. Coupled with uncertainty regarding overseas assignment and the need/timing to schedule a trip over there...I just don't have a path forward, either workwise or my other activities and interests. Add to that, the fact that PAG is absorbing a significant amount of time, especially being here most of last weekend, and I realized that what I need right now is "me" time, Mol time, to think and to plan and to get in touch with my inner Mol.
So...I am supposed to call PAG shortly and will tell him to not plan to stay overnight at all this weekend, that I need "me time". I expect he'll be cool with it, and I may still see him at #2 on the weekend.
That good session at Starbucks, coupled with (I am sure) my Wellbutrin, a grande bold coffee (not decaf) and an invigorating walk home, and I felt a whole lot more like myself again. I actually was in the mood to go run or walk some more but was feeling afraid for safety. Instead, I came home and started dealing with a few things which were out of hand due to my low energy/mood - sink full of dishes, laundry (wet stuff sitting in the washer for 2 days), found receipt to take a return back to store, general organization of stuff.
I just had 'the talk" with PAG and he was cool. Yay for me to recognize that I needed some space. I am happy with that. :)
I heard from Pitch on my drive home...he is still undecided, although apologetic, and asked me to "tip the balance". I refused to do so. I am willing to go, and I am just as content to skip the concert. Its up to him. I sense he is struggling mightily with things this week and frankly, I don't need to be around that. I got enough issues of my own and outside of that, Jason is really my top priority.
I haven't yet checked email but I did receive a text from Jason while @ Starbucks. Song lyric, one of his reflective songs, so I know where his mind is at this evening.
Time to start thinking about wrapping it up and getting to sleep in the next 15 minutes or so. Sleep is essential. Tomorrow will be an awesome, forward moving day if I am rested and handle everything well.
Peace.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 November 2009 07:32 am |
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Uh yeah. I am not asleep. It is 1:30AM. Stupid late night snacking again. Taking a small dose of Xanax but just not doing it for me. Blech. I will be feeling this in the morning.
Anyway, I took advantage of my awakeness to once again pull out the map of Europe. If I take the trip at the beginning of December, then meet my friend in Brussels for 2 days, I still could have a couple more days to hit another destination. And I've had the map out and been looking at it off and on trying to find inspiration. Well I think tonight I decided I will try to go to Amsterdam. It didn't work out 2 months ago, but it would be a nice way to round out the year. Hopefully the weather is OK this time of year (I don't expect it to be warm, but don't want to see 40 degrees and grey all day, either. More homework needed but perhaps I am on to something!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 November 2009 02:12 am |
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Let's see. I think I had one more round of snacking after that last post. I lose track in that hazy semi-conscious dim mode. I remember going on the networking site and Shred hailed me, then Ian hailed me and I had some chats while the second dose Xanax kicked in. Ian has a friend who is road-tripping Friday to see Skinny in Toronto with backstage access, she just wants a travelling companion and everything else is covered. It was tempting, but I stayed true for my plan for this weekend, which is alone time and thinking time, and priorities. It WAS tempting though. How often does a chance like that come along?
Brekkie - Egg, 2 bacon, whole grain english muffin (320)
Lunch - small chix salad w/veg/kidney beans/chickpeas and tiny bleu cheese (200)
Dinner - Large salad, small amt dressing, 1.5 tbs avacado - (150), sparingly made grilled ham/chs sandwich: (360)
Total: 1030 IN. Did toning. Boy, it was not easy after all my recent slacking either. Considering going to Starbucks now. I just don't feel like running. It is like the cold, damp, and dark have sapped what little motivation existed.
I would be pleased at this juncture to hear from Pitch with a decision about the Devo concert tomorrow. I sense he is really in a spiral, the 40 thing has been really hard and he is having a difficult time at work right now. I think rather than a concert we need a good old fashioned sit around the fire/movie/tv whatever with a few drinks, or do same in a bar somewhere, and just let him spill his guts. Well I am here. In the meantime if he calls off, I think I will go to #3, its been ages since I have been there on a Thursday and I like the entertainment, and DJ M will be working along with assorted other familiar characters. And...perhaps Jason will come....
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 November 2009 03:58 am |
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Are We Not Men?
At Starbucks. I had a biscotti since I was good on cals for the day. (150).
It was odd that I hadn't heard from Pitch and while I could have sat here and said 'screw him', my intuition told me that he was floundering tonight. So, I texted him, to be funny, the Rescussitation Annie line - "Annie, Annie, Are you OK?" My phone rang 2 minutes later and...well...he admitted he is just being irresponsible, about a lot of things, and said that he'd been out to dinner and having a few beers and well...it has been a hard week.
Anyway, the balance tipped in favor of going to the show, and Pitch got tickets. We, as usual, will meet at my house, cab it down by the venue, have dinner (some Italian place he used to frequent) and then the show. So he will have a chance to have a couple of drinks and spill his guts over dinner. He decided however that Friday morning he is not going to work which means that, he has in mind, to really let loose a bit. I, also, have planned to work from home Friday, which allows a late night and a morning sleep in. Oh, boy, do I need to be careful. I have a nice re-balancing weekend in mind and this evening with Pitch has the potential to hose that up nicely. He was on about going to more shows together, and sounded disappointed that I hadn't asked him to Skinny Puppy.
I don't need any more fuzziness in my head right now. Busy as heck at work.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 November 2009 03:59 am |
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Last edited on 12 November 2009 04:04 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 13 November 2009 06:34 am |
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Apres Pitch Apres Devo
So, Pitch arrived around 6PM, we had a couple of cocktails then headed to dinner @ an Italian place. I fished around a little bit aasking bout what he has been up to and 'not much', he named a few things and said he doesn't know where his time goes. Then he came out and said that he has been dating, nothing serious, but he doesn't talk about that to me because "that involved you" (past tense). Did I want to hear about it? And I shot back "well, do you want to hear about mine?" "No, not really." "There you go".
Not long after I asked him if he still likes me. And its a yes and no. Yes in the sense that he finds me 'incredibly attractive', we share a love of music, and we see the world the same way. But he filled me in on a girl he met before me, someone from work, and he says he saw 'the end of the world" in her. In other words, someone he could see it going all the way with. And it was something which took a year and a half before they acted on it because, after all they both worked at the same place. But ultimately she didn't feel the same and it ended. He was still holding out some hope over her when he first got together with me. It was his indirect way of telling me, that he doesn't see the same thing, "the end of world" in me. He did say he has a specific kind of woman he is attracted to (not me, apparently, rather brainiac scientist types) and also it does seem that he is interested in finding someone younger, for the rugrats reason.
He also mentioned that he is concerned about maintaining the friendship with me and this is a retarding factor for him. Cause yeah - Pitch - you wouldn't want to be good friends with the woman you adore, you want to have her on a pedestal.
About him bolting out the door barely saying goodbye the last time we met - after the Decemberists concert when he came over and hung out and played guitar - he said it was because he was 'on the verge"..."On the verge of not being a gentleman." I just had to know and I had my answer.
I did tell him about the 2 days I took off after his letter and where I am at on the rugrats thing, and about friends who I've crossed paths in the last week who are having kids in their 40's. That it is something I have been thinking about but that on a get level I still think I have another 1-2 years of intensve exploration, travel, music, etc, before I slow down and will better know what I want. I said something about clocks ticking and it not being the same for guys, but he says that he feels a lot of time pressure also.
I hope this beautiful man, this incredibly complex, sensitive, musical person, doesn't end up just finding some nice girl to procreate with because he is feeling time pressure. I guess once thing which will slow him down, is he says he has never lived with a woman (just roommates in college) and isn't really sure that would work for him after so many years on his own, that he needs "his" space. He talked about a gal years ago who he'd see 5 days a week and then his weekends were 'his'. He also said he isn't sure that he is really prepared for the responsibility of having kids. Well...he'd better darn well know what he is about. I believe at the end of the day he will be deliberate and make sound choices, I hope so.
We held hands down the sidewalk from the restaurant to the concert venue. It was nice. He came over after the short show and came in a played guitar for a spell. We talked a lot tonight about things we have both have been wanting to say, but the end result is the same.
Thats all I have to say for now. Its been a bit of an emotional evening, but I held it together pretty well.
At least he gave me a proper hug goodnight.
Last edited on 13 November 2009 02:19 pm by mollymoo24
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