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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 July 2009 11:56 pm |
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Thanks Once for your supportive words.
Its nearly 6PM now and I am still dizzy and haven't gotten anything done. I am nearly in tears because I've sabotaged myself and don't have this proposal together and cannot think straight. I am on the verge of failing myself on the biggest opportunity that may ever present itself for carving out a better life. Stupid girl. Stupid alchohol. Stupid boys. I got an email from Michael a few hours ago and wasted nearly 2 hours working up what ended up being a short response. I suck. I want to continue a relationship with him but we are differing in our wants and needs at this point. I cannot bear the thought of being 'just friends' or worse, just another girl he says 'hi' to when he sees me at the clubs. And it seems that 'just friends' is where he is at. Well I gotta put it out of my head for now. One thing to cry about at a time, please.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 July 2009 03:33 am |
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Digging Out
I am fighting the rising tide of panic to be sure and will stay up all night to get something good put together. Do the best I can do.
Dell phoned but I am not doing my sojurn to Starbucks this Sunday eve. I told him next week. He wanted to try to get together during the week but I don't have time for that unless I go for coffee or something. I don't have time for boys I am not interested in dating. I was feeling pretty blue about my horrid self and how I've completely made a mess out of things with Michael, I keep checking for an email back from him with the hope that he will agree to get together and talk soon; and then I just got a picture text from Pitch of a sunset over the lake where we grew up and it was a little 'scoop up'. I considered reaching out and calling him to talk, because he's been facing some of the same demons that I have recently, and would understand where I am at today - but I don't need to pollute that too. Instead, I just sent back a compliment and 'Life is Good'. Which it is. And I want to keep things with him on an up note. I need to put things back into perspective - the one and only thing wrong with my life at all right now, is that I am letting alcohol wreck it. Period. My one true demon and I am going to wrestle it to the ground.
Effective immediately - I am going "Dry for the Month of July." Just a short term goal for now. After writing that, I just realized, this puts me smack in the middle of the class reunion party at the end of the month without my social crutch. GOOD. Yay!!! It sucks to think I may have to give alcohol up entirely and permanently but duh, sheesh, I keep doing the stupidest things because my brain just starts going "more more more". I am seeing a clear pattern of wrecking relationships and losing people's respect due entirely to my drinking-related behavior at the clubs, and people and relationships and oh and self-respect are wayyyy more valuable than drinking. In my case, it appears to be a choice between one or the other.
Chris just invited me to sushi with Ian and Carlton at 9:45 tonight. Even if I didn't have this proposal to be working on, what in the world would I be doing going out for dinner this late on a Sunday night? I cannot afford to be hanging out with those night owls unless its during "my" hours.
I need to get going back on my work and hope at least to get in a nap some time tonight. I am already freaking tired that is for sure.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 July 2009 01:45 pm |
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Its 7:30AM on Monday, I got up @ 3 then laid on the couch until 4 then got up and was in the office by 5. The sun coming through the windows is bloody ugly. My eyes are slits, my brain isn't working and the coffee is not having the necessary effect.
It seems important to record my misery for posterity. Cause maybe eventually it will sink in if I keep seeing it here in black and white.
I don't have this proposal figured out. The reason is, because it won't work the way I want it to. I really seems that I have a choice between going to 80+ hour work weeks again with a probabe promotion and intensive travel, or giving up the thought of Europe entirely. Crud.
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suenos
Moderator
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Posted: 6 July 2009 03:33 pm |
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Hey chica! Sorry for the present low. You already know that itwill pass...cause everything, good or bad, eventually does...and like Once said, nothing good ever comes of beating yourself up - unless you're into bruises.
But ya know. the "pattern" you've pointed out is the same one you've noted several times in the past...just a couple weeks ago you mentioned something about deciding to limit yourself to a specific number of drinks a day/week...and a couple times before that I think you had simlar plans, and once (months & months ago) to go cold turkey for a certain period. I'm just thinking that sometimes, no matter how strongly we feel about keeping them at the time, when the remorse is still tangible, making resolutions without outside support might just not work. Sorta like eating too much at a single meal and feeling like #%@&! and declaring (when the tummy is still full) "OMG, I'll never do that again"...um, yea, until next time. If you're seriously ready (and willing, and seriously see the need) to break the drinking/bad decision connection...it might be time to go beyond resolutions and decide if you have a problem that requires assistance beyond trying to use sheer willpower to control.
I dunno...it's probably easy for me to say 'cause drinking just isn't one of my "things"...it honestly would make no difference to me if I never had another drink in my life - I don't think it's a "character" thing though...seriously, I have such an addictive/compuslive/impulsive personaliy it's fairly amazing that drinking isn't an issue.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 July 2009 04:31 am |
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Another Slow Recovery
Well today was a brutal day at the office. From being physically unwell and emotionally on the dark side. I am not liking what is presently on the table in front of me at work, the thought of 80+ hour weeks along with overseeing people and participating in important business issues on 2 continents just isn't what I had in mind. I am trying to restart a life here. I don't want my life to become work again, in fact, it is like a doomsday scenario to move to England and face this wall of work on 2 continents 6 hours apart.
There seems to be an exquisite hurry to put a proposal on the President's desk on Wednesday morning, when we don't have inputs from people I want to get input from. Behind the scenes, it seems the deck is getting shuffled in a major way. The defining moments are here.
On the way home from work, I was still really lousy in all respects and instinctively and without premeditation reached out to L. We had a short conversation which I pretty much had to do all the work. Then a few minutes later I was surprised that he called me back and suggested we go to dinner @ our favorite Mexican. I took him up on it, I wanted the comfort of his 'good will' which seemed to be flowing. After dinner he came in for a bit and he sat on the end of the couch which was an invitation to come lay down with my head in his lap and hold each other. Anyone care to guess where this story heads next...
Anyway, I feel and felt better actually, with some intimacy and companionship taking my mind off things for a bit. I would have love to have had him stay longer but I had to get a hold of Steve and get his read on where things are and any ideas he might have. He gave me some great pointers (set expectations low, so you can over achieve and preserve some quality of life; express enthusiasm but temper with reality; be honest about what can be achieved and what your value system is (i.e. quality of life)).
EF also just called and I told her about my crazy mixed-up ness since the bender on Saturday night. I am much better after all this comfort, advice and companionship, we had some good laughs.
Suenos, thanks for the gentle kick in the rear. I am not sure what is going to work for me but I must take a more proactive approach to management. You are completely right about making resolutions while the regrets are strong and then not sticking with them later.
I talked with L tonight about my problem because I wanted his perspective and observations. He confirmed my recollection that while there were a countable number of major one-night 'benders' during our relationship, they were reasonably isolated(boat cruise, New Years' party; certain events out of town). It was not until November and the divorce and D did all the pattern abuse re-emerge, the pattern which was last seen late in college post-Cosmic-Meltdown guy and for the ensuing year or two. Stability and structure came into my life, and the drinking stopped. Stability and structure are now missing and I am careening. But I see clearly that I do 'have the gene' as Dr. B would say. There is no doubt in my mind.
It hit me in talking to L too, I cannot believe that I've been doing this now for 8 months. Wow. That's a long time. Definitely not just a post-divorce rough patch. And again looking at the relationships I've smashed, time and energy I've wasted, it's not just stupid, it paints me a fairly tragic light. I don't want my life to be tragic, I want to be someone who contributes something to the world, some legacy, some art, some poetry, some music, some sunlight, some inspiration, some good.
While talking with EF I identified tonight that Chris is an enabler for me and I need to see if I can turn him into an ally - if not, I can't hang out with him. I am going to look and see what local support group I can try out. I can at least give it an opportunity to help.
On a more optimistic note....Mol. XOXOXOXOXOX 
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 July 2009 01:06 pm |
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I Love Sleep
The difference a sleep makes, I suppose, along with good advice and support. Feeling much better this morning, the job thing doesn't feel quite so overwhelming.
I want to note that Saturday night, inviting Chris over was the step that led to the downfall. I was tired at that point, after 4 hours straight in Starbucks wracking my brain and putting together org charts for a scenario that was about to ruin my life. It was a total impulse to get back and tell him to come over for a bit and some wine before he went to #2. I seem to get impulsive, lose control, and not think straight when I am tired - just like my binging and drinking. All good to build my awareness of.
It's going to be a very busy day, but I am feeling up to it and have that glint in my eye again. Staff meeting this morning, followed by a welcome lunch for 2 new associates, then some HR work regarding a position elimination, and in between all that gotta finish up striking some kind of deal regarding this new position. I am back to being enthusiastic and optimistic that somehow this can be pulled off in a manner which will still permit me some quality of life.
So, I gotta run and tackle this day head on.
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 July 2009 03:25 pm |
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| I'm glad to hear you got a good nights sleep after some comfort and support. It's moments like these that we realize we can't go it alone, we do need our friends. Go get 'em Mol! Have an awesome day!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 July 2009 07:38 pm |
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Wow. It has been a high intensity day for sure and still going. I had a scone @ breakfast because it was too early to get my egg & bacon. I went and got the egg & bacon later for protein. Then this group lunch out - chopped salad+tuna melt muffin. So I am done on calories it would appear. I want to get in a run later and then perhaps a salad and small amt of protein later for dinner. And another good nights' sleep cause I am getting tired.
Ah, just reminded myself to hydrate... : )
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 July 2009 03:54 am |
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"Swinging"...I Mean, "Back in the Swing of Things"
Once, honey, your new pic is absolutely adorable.
Quick update, weight seems to be holding in the range of 125, so I think some of that big blow up was water retention. Thank goodness. Dinner tonight was some leftover pasta, some chicken & a bit of turkey sausage; a few scoops and bean dip, a peanut butter 1/2 sandwich. Protein and carbs after all - because of my good workout.
I arrived a few minutes ago, 9ish @ my usual Starbucks and am enjoying a decaf after a nice bath. Taking a few minutes to myself before resuming work on my job proposal. Spoke with the US-VP and it sounds like he won't stand in my way if we can work out a transition plan, most indications are that I would move 8 approx months from now, and retain oversight for at least 6 months after that. The important thing is to get the expectations nailed down and not sign up for anything unrealistic. Quality of life (i.e. free time to run and write and meet people) must be preserved, and if it means staying here and starting to look for a job elsewhere then that is OK.
I had a good run tonight in my beloved woods, I wasn't getting tired at all, but I am still having some issues with the ankles/lower legs which I attribute to the shoes. Gotta get to the running store very soon. 6.8 miles, in approx 1:18 or so, my stopwatch function stopped for a little bit, user error. It was good to sweat, I got into that endorphin zone where you are on automatic and all the uck is sweated away. What a great feeling. 
I actually for the first time didn't want to face Dr. B today at all but I did, and caught her up on the events of the past several days. It was useful. She can tell when I just need a listener instead of tough talk and that's how most of today went. She absolutely laughed aloud when I got told her what happened with L - and seems surprised but happy that neither of us appears to have attached false feelings or remorse to that. Whereby, it seems to have served a need I have right now, a need to have someone close by, caring and sharing, and there is no one meeting that need. And I think she's right when she says I am projecting onto guys that they care more than they really do (D, Marc, Michael, Chris) and its no wonder they flee when I drink and take things too far. I really hope I can salvage things with Michael enough to maintain a friendship of some kind at least. Its hard to be alone I guess, and that's probably why I invited Chris over Saturday even when I was tired and had no intention of going out. In my life, I've always had someone I liked or someone I was seeing (sometimes more than one) and I don't know why, but its like I am always seeking some kind of validation that I have something to offer which is attractive enough for someone to "like" me.
Well anyway, I am having a good end to the evening here, in the pleasant relaxing environment with my decaf and my Ipod on listening to Goldfrapp. Meeting with the VP Europe and probably the company President tomorrow. Gotta finish my 'plan for conquering Europe' which is what I have taken to calling it. Thanks everyone who has stood my me during the darkness, it means a lot.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 July 2009 05:20 am |
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I finally figured out the problem with accessing the site from home.
My IE security was on Medium High, Protected Mode was on and the box was checked that requires https// secure sites to put a site into the trusted zone. I had to uncheck that box and then put CPH in the trusted zone and it worked. Just in case it happens again, now I have notes!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 July 2009 06:26 am |
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I love these new boots. Not so crazy about the dress. But this self-portrait came out just perfect where the flash hides my face, so thought I'd show how far my fat 202 blubbery body has come since I started CPH and took up exercising. w00t! CPH rocks!
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Beth
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 July 2009 05:23 pm |
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| I do so hope you make it to Europe!
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 8 July 2009 05:59 pm |
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that is super cute, moll. i've finally read through everything that i have missed and you have certainly been through a lot in the past few weeks. amazing how many things can get flipped up side down, turned inside out, and you still make it through ok. i'm sorry i couldn't be around more while things seemed so bleak...
i think it's great that things are coming into focus for the EU plans. i really think moving will do you good. you mentioned something about wondering if you are running away from soemthing or running towards something... well, ii think it's both and i think it's ok. it's thinks proper. you need a change of scenery anyway and now is the perfect time. besides, you need to get away form those boys!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 July 2009 02:10 am |
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The Balance of the Universe
The balance of the universe is off. For what seems the umpteenth time in the past couple of weeks I am stationed @ Starbucks with a grande decaf working on this job proposal. I haven't been getting in regular workouts and I surely haven't toned in a week. I am working 12 hour days again. I feel horrid. I got hit with a 'wave of sleepy' on the way home from the office and it has stuck. I am whipped from stress and frenzy. I am feeling blue about my usual things. My toning has slid way downhill. I am not counting calories and I had pizza for dinner that I know put me 400-500 cals over. I don't want to go back to working these kind of hours; no sleep time; no friend time; no flirt time; no real writing or reading or music time.
Well I hope it is just a passing frenzy, caused mostly by my boss and a frenzy of HR/position/organization-related matters which were mostly unplanned for the week. On the good side, in a few more weeks I will have streamlined from 5 direct reports to 3 in preparation for a new role/additional responsibilities/whatever. I have dirty dishes in the sink dating back to Saturday. In desperation Monday night I did laundry (inbetween going out to dinner and snogging L) because I was on my last pair of underwear. C-Dog is so upset at my lack of physical presence and attention that he's taken to pissing on things in the house a couple of times, which then I have to clean up.
So yeah, I am not getting work done right this second because I need to take just 5-10 minutes and rebalance and think about the good things. I probably should not have just put "Dont Speak" by No Doubt on the Ipod. Mistake. "Don't tell me cause it hurts".
OK I turned that off and threw on Iggy Pop and am now jamming to "Lust for Life". I am an emotional musical creature, its amazing sometimes how my mood can be altered with a few clicks.
So, despite temptation for a little comfort/connection, I haven't texted Pitch or Chris or Michael and instead dialed up a bunch of girlfriends this afternoon on the drive home. OK I admit 3 times I had a text going to Pitch that I made myself delete. I don't need to become "all Mol all the time"; we exchanged photos and texts yesterday as it is. Ended up connecting with 3 of them live and that was sweet. Girlfriends are good. 
I'll give myself 3 songs to play and then get serious again.
Zen, it is sweet to see you again. Iggy's playing "Nightclubbing" right now. Life is amazing.
All right. My goal is to spend 80 more minutes on this proposal. Bolt home. Do my toning (30 minutes) Short run (20 minutes), shower, unload the dishwasher, then bed. I am gonna get the balance of the universe back in alignment because I deserve it, I worked hard to claim a life and I'm keeping it, darn it!!!
OK loves, Iggy's singing "The Passenger", third song, and that's my cue to check out...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 July 2009 05:54 am |
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Iggy Pop Rocks
I'm really chuffed that I stuck to my timeline and got some good thinking/working in AND got in toning (u/l/a), a short run (1.5m), a shower, and took care of the dishes. Having a deadline really helped. Now for a good nights' sleep.
And Pitch commented on my networking site status this evening. If nothing else, its like a little 'thinking of you' that even as a 'just a friend', put a smile on my face.
Sleeeepppp....meeting with the Europe VP and my boss in the AM!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 July 2009 02:27 pm |
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1 hour 37 minutes left to the big meeting. Putting together a short powerpoint picking up on some of the ideas the VP-Europe mentioned yesterday in an email. Steve's suggestion - a good one.
Other than continually getting around 5-6 hours of sleep when I need to be getting 7-8, I am back to feeling pretty good today. The Starbucks is doing its thing.
I haven't committed to any firm plans for this weekend. I want to invest most of my time in calming activities (planning vacation, writing, getting caught up around the house, maybe going to see some live music in a small setting or at the Irish festival). I need to get the ball rolling on the roof repair and the bathroom remodel. And get another electrician in. Perhaps I can set aside a vacation day to have more contractors come in and get started. Not sure I am going to be getting to Iceland this year after all, TBD.
Will update later with the latest.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 July 2009 04:58 pm |
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I don't know exactly why I have found myself here but the emotional Rocketship is firing up so it is just as well that I take a time out, breathe deep, and get perspective.
I haven't yet had the meeting, it got delayed and I am 'on call'. I had to cancel and reschedule 1 performance review this morning and now it looks like the rest of my day will be impacted too. So #1 trigger - trying to scramble and get prepared for this meeting while #2 - adjusting to a constantly changing schedule and #3 - new expectations work requirements are flooding in which I don't have time for and #4 - I think I need to go for another run.
I also had a scone. I am sure the sugar is not helping. I've also caught myself on the networking site 1/2 dozen times looking for comments on my status which is probably a rocketshippy emotional reaction looking for attention/validation/support of some kind.
So....deep breaths. It is gorgeous outside and I am #%@&! or high water getting in a run today. From here I gotta just pretend that the meeting is not happening today and get on with the rest of things.
1. Amb. feedback
2. JD Peformance rvw/dev plan
3. Baby Shower
4. Restructuring meeting
5. Elimination meeting
6. By 4PM be @ running store + Get new shoes. Go for @ run by 5:30.
7. Pick up overflow work from 8-10. Possibly around the firepit.
This can be done. No going out tonight and no Chris. No checking in with Michael. Period. Too many important things tomorrow. And want to set myself up for a spectacular weekend.
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Storm
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 July 2009 05:02 pm |
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| Sounds like you have a pretty busy day ahead of you. Don't worry, you'll get through it, and tomorrow will be a whole new day, hopefully also less stressful!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 July 2009 02:41 am |
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The Moon is a Giant Walkers' Shortbread Cookie
Ha. I hit the send key on that last post and 30 seconds later my boss called me into his office. Great meeting, things gelling, I am clearly being courted, it seems a done deal that everyone agrees I am the 'resident expert' at my company to tackle this need. So I def gotta turn my clout into a nice raise promotion if I will be taking on more. Its great for my professional ego, that is for sure.
My last post actually helped keep me from doing anything monumentally stupid on the guy front. However, I just substituted reckless eating for boys or alchohol today. I am presently at my Starbucks where I just consumed 2 shortbread cookies, after having 3 sizeable pieces of pizza for dinner - earlier today's mistakes included a scone and a piece of cake @ the baby shower. Oh and 3 mini-twix. Altogether a solid 1300 of calories of sugar on top of my usual egg-bacon-toast brekkie and, unusually, a hamburger for lunch.
I did make it to the running store after work and got some new shoes I am not 100% convinced of. I went to the forest preserve but my left ankle was bothersome and I ended up walking, my thoughts and emotional finally breaking into tears. Interestingly, I was mournful over Michael and mournful over my binge drinking train wreck behavior causing my own problems - all of which is true - yet I think the source of the emotions is elsewhere and I am projecting them onto Michael right at this time. Job stress for example, the uncertainty of moving overseas and living this scenario day by day without knowing my next step. And further, the fact that tomorrow morning I have to wake up, go in to the office, and take someone's job away through an elimination. Someone I hired, someone who has worked for me for 3 years, someone who trusts me, and who I trust implicitly; someone I tried to help, someone who is a mother and a wife and has family obligations and who has no idea this is coming because I was not permitted to tell her; someone who is well liked and a hard worker and who doesn't deserve this. I've known for months that this day was coming; but it just really hit me this afternoon, it is nearly certain that am never going to speak with her or see her ever again. The rest of the department is going to be shocked and angry with me. But it was my decision. It sucks sometimes doing what you have to do and making the tough call.
So I came to SBucks to get my script straight for tomorrow AM and when I pulled up, saw that Dell was here. Studying with a friend. I should come with a warning label I swear "Sweet guys need not apply. Beware. Toxic." He's all attentive and wrapped me in the warmest hug, charming, sweet, "I meeesed you". So he scheduled some time to talk with me, from 9:30 to 10, its kind of cute. I've got to let him know in all fairness however that he has zero chance for anything except friends.
Speaking of friends, Pitch commented on my networking site status this morning again. I am such a retard. I mean, if he knew the little thrill I get every time he posts something, it would probably scare him away. I seem to have that effect on men. Card-carrying member of the Church of the Emotional F$%^tards, that I am.
Generally speaking though, the Rocketship is under control and I am settling down quite a bit from the peak. A successful RMM day which avoided (1) alcohol (2) preferred guys and (3) clubs. Yay Mol. Now I gotta get through @#% tomorrow without flying off the handle. I do want and need to get some dancing in this weeekend and there are event nights abounding at the usual spots, but I'd like to find a place off the beaten path for once. Perhaps the brainy place.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 July 2009 04:55 am |
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Sweet? Uh....
Holy #%@&!. Well, alright it seems that Dell is not all sweetness and light, no...he almost had me fooled. No, instead, he tonight in between telling me he 'likes' me and 'likes' my eyes, he also asked me if I'd had sex since my divorce and propositioned me and told me that he is 'very good in the bed'. Why couldn't he just be some sweet lingerer-on who meekly pines for me and looks forward to the 30 minutes every Sunday night when he gets to talk to me? I so was enjoying that and he took it too far to put it back now.
Chris texted promptly at the #3 witching hour asking about my week and then let me know he was going to #3 and was probably going to bring a book. He actually is a very nice kid, I am going to find myself a little jealous I think when he gets a girlfriend and stops being a reliable part of my routine. Chris and I are friends now on the networking site which provided access to a few additional photos he has posted. Every picture has a different 'look' to it but he's delicious-to-look-at in all of them. Including a nude which he is sitting cross-legged with his hands cupped you-know-where. Dude has light muscle definition everywhere. He's vegan too, there's not an ounce of fat on his bod. Lovely. I am not lusting after him or anything, just appreciating his loveliness.
And that's about all cause I am going on about the men tonight which I don't mean to do. I gotta get some sleep. And then...finally...the weekend. I surely need it.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 July 2009 04:59 am |
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| double post. Last edited on 10 July 2009 04:59 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 July 2009 07:06 am |
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Duh.
I've been way too long on the networking site followed by eating more stuff. Why is it that I don't seem to care, in fact, seem to be rebelling and eating anything I want?
Hopefully I get back on track tomorrow.
OK Mol Sleep! Sleep! You know that sleep is the magic ingredient.
Good night, off with this darn 'puter.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 July 2009 07:30 pm |
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OK. It worked yesterday so I've come back again. It's definitely the work stress thing putting me on the emotional Rocketship. So deep breaths, make a list and prioritize. The world is not going to end by 4PM and you can catch up over the weekend too.
1. Short presentation for Tues sls mtg
3. Set up training CB: PCA, Mail, Grp Outing,
This wknd
1. Finish conquering Europe
2. Analyst position desc.
3. EP promo review
4. Nice long bike ride
5. Book a vacation/trip/downtime. ESSENTIAL!
6. Get a roofer lined up and get more remodeling quotes for the essentials in order to rent the house: bathroom, kitchen, back windows, garage repairs, electrical overhaul. Sheesh that sounds like 30 grand. I don't have that kind of money...hmmmm...OK I commit to prioritize my repairs and get estimates.
Monday
1. Pack & ship; computer access; email & files
2. Seating arrangements
I have to come back this later.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 July 2009 02:00 am |
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Long Awaited Friday Evening, 8PM Already
The remainder of the afternoon got away from me on stupid little logistical details. Around 4 I had to bolt. It was a long week and a hard day and I need to get out and clear my head. I got into the mini kit kats at the office again (3). Got home, did my toning then went for a run/walk after all. I wanted to try my new shoes; as I thought they just don't fit right with the expensive inserts they sold me, rather than return them I took the inserts out and went. Still having probs with the left ankle so I'd walk then run then walk then run all the way but I did finish 3.1M 2.5J 0.6W or so - 38:30.
The exercise really helped to burn off the stress I was feeling and bring me back to a more relaxed state. Its a bit muggy out and I sweated a ton. Which can feel kind of nice some times. Now I had a salad and a lean cuisine panini for dinner (still hungry but going to wait for it to settle).
I am hoping to do some writing after my shower - try to maintain a more peaceful flow, possibly over @ Starbucks for a while, then I am likely going out later for some dancing and companionship, I may not head to #2 at all because if Michael happens to be there I don't know what I will say to him or how I can get closure on better terms than what happened last Saturday, and I need to think about that - but not tonight.
I miss my writing terribly, and my free time, that's maybe why tonight feels so special and comfortable and the calm is so welcome. Working crazy hours and under intensive stress for the past 2 weeks or so is a pretty stark contrast and a reminder of how my life used to be, the life I cast off and ran away from 18 months ago.
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Terabyte
New Member
| Joined: | 18 November 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 886 |
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Posted: 11 July 2009 04:52 am |
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| i don't blame dell for cutting to the chase though--- who wants to just sit and chat week after week with someone you are sexually attracted to? Not me! lol, after about 2 weeks of the ed norton animator being a gentleman, i was like dude are we going to f/ck or what????
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 July 2009 10:35 am |
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TB.
I am crashing here and need sleep so quick recap:
Starbucks. Presentation. Not finished. Progress made.
#1. Chris. D&E&L&X&B Adam N and Adam B and DJ M. Fun. Good music. Danced a little.
#2. Carlton. Who was trying to get me to help him break his car out of the parking lot (ummmm..."No."). Shallow Marc saw me parking and strode off down the sidewalk. Multitude of people including that cute bald guy who wears a kilt. Gothica was there, that was a surprise, rarely see her out, but she clearly knows everyone. She's not attractive in the 'beauty' sense but its obvious why people like her and want to be friends with her. I was glad Michael was not there.
I was starving afterward and stopped @ the burrito house. Met Damien who it turns out was @ #2 earlier. I will hope for the opportunity to get to know him. Seems like a sweet nervous little blonde skinny thing. Not my type, but neither was Ian and he turned into a friend.
All right I gotta get some shut eye.
But not before celebrating a fun, alcohol free evening of sanity, comraderie, dancing, and hey it was less expensive too! Yay!!!
BED!!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 July 2009 03:13 pm |
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 Bunnies for Breakfast
Early to bed, early to rise...I mean late to bed, late to rise...I mean good grief - 3 hours of sleep. The difference however in not having been drinking is notable. Or perhaps I just got lucky. In any event, working evenings and weekends again is depressing. I've made up my mind that I've got to do things quicker, better the first time, not editing to my standards of perfection but simply to the standard needed to do the job effectively. I see that during the past 18 months of withdrawing from work and not investing myself, I've had a fantastic balance and have been fortunate. Especially during the times when Tormentor has been occupied elsewhere.
I am conflicted. I am investing a lot of time and effort now, hoping I can manage to forge a balance later, taking that risk that this is just a small hill to climb and then I'll be back on the downslope. The fear is finding that I am climbing a mountain with no way to go but up. Yes, its arguably for the next 6months and then (minimally) 2 years in England, but it could very well go longer. I guess part of me realizes that right now, this time, this energy - the Book of Mol and the dancing and exercise and cute clubby dresses and young boys - is not going to last and is subject to a premature end. After 15 years of 'being asleep' I've reawakened (for both the good and the bad) for 12 months and in spite of an overall theme of a few major issues I've been very happy 'feeling alive' again, like a living breathing honest-to-goodness free person with choices and interests and opinions and things to say about life.
So, I am off to work on my presentation for Tuesday again. I will give myself 1.5 hours to finalize it then I am done. Then I want to go shop for a swimsuit I can actually do real swimming in and head for the beach, I think. My ankle is messed up for sure, I've got it in a support now and won't be running and probably not biking either today. We shall see. I always say that but end up craving exercise and pushing it anyway.
Besides, I have a rather large late night burrito to burn off if I want to eat anything else all day today. That had to have been 1000-1400 so I will call it 1200 plus had some Triscuits and peanut butter when I got home. I was starving for some reason. The scale is not my friend because I have been eating without restraint lately and I am up to 127 and feel the pudginess. I gotta get back to logging everything in, its the only way to really gauge the cumulative effect of a scone here, or a few mini twix, or triscuits or what have you.
All right - time to stop procrastinating and go get that presentation done so I can have some more "me" time and quite stewing about it! Hope everyone has a fantastic Saturday. MMmmmmmmmoi! 
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Terabyte
New Member
| Joined: | 18 November 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 886 |
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Posted: 11 July 2009 03:51 pm |
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| You will feel great once you get some of that presentation out of the way; as for me, I have to train some foster parents and I am hoping they don't show up lol!!! so i can go home and eat all the doughnuts myself!
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suenos
Moderator
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Posted: 11 July 2009 06:59 pm |
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work - yikes! I'm cutting my own vacation short to go back on Monday - but I'm not really bothered by it...seven days is just about what I needed to recharge and I'm getting antsy anyway - heck, despite my intentions I couldn't resist calling in "just to check the status of xyz" every day this week . Hi, I'm Suenos and I'm a workaholic!
I wonder if it would be different if you actually really liked your job. I know when I was in the throes of hating my job I appreciated the income but at the same time just felt sorta resentful of every moment it took away from what I considered my "real life" and I was always on some tilting at windmills quest to find what I considered "a balance" between work and the rest of living. When work changed and I started loving what I do, I stopped feeling like my life was unbalanced even though the amount of hours I spent working didn't change...like because I enjoy(ed) what I do so much, even though it's stressful beyond words, it doesn't feel like something that intrudes on my life so much as something that's just part of my life....a fun, exciting part even. Hopefully the European assignment pans out for you and work will become something that you look forward to and enjoy rather than just a source of income.
Hmmm, maybe it's like being with the wrong guy vs. the right guy....I lived with a guy for a year and towards the end it I just resented the heck out of all time I had to invest in the relationship to make it work (so I dumped him)...but being married (as I'm discovering anew every day) takes a heck of a time investment, and not always getting to do things my way (like actually having to put laundry away instead of just dumping it on the kitchen table), and sacrificing a whole heap of "me time" (I like me time)...but even though the actions are the same - i.e. laundry is still laundry - my feelings are so different about the guys involved that I'm happy now to do what I hated doing then.
Maybe this makes sense - and then again maybe not?
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 July 2009 08:35 am |
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Wonderfully Packed Day
My dryer wasn't working this mornig and I discovered a bird's nest (sparrows I think( in it. I had to rip the vent off the side of the house to get inside and get it cleaned out.
I did get the presentation 'adequately' done and was at Dick's sporting goods before Noon. Not only did I get a suit, but goggles, 2 pair of running shorts (also good for biking and a nice thin under armor hoodie in a medium grey. I love under armor.
Couldn't park at my house, police had the block cordoned off, found out later that it was someone holding someone hostage at gunpoint. I am guessing domestic, these things usually are.
After fitting my goggles with a smaller nosepiece, I headed for the beach. Spoke with Chris about a particular beach he favors but changed course and went up north. It was a perfect perfect day but the water, to me, was frigid and took my breath away. In fact I couldn't get my breath at all, until I realized I was trying to breathe with every stroke. So I just went in shallow and practiced trying to breathe and take a few strokes. I have a lot to learn it seems and it wasn't pretty. I need to start a bit smaller and go to a pool or something until I get the fundamentals down.
I thought of Andrew since I was in his neck of the woods; we connected via phone and sure enough, he was at the next beach over. We decided rather than either of us walking a mile out of our way, we'd just meet up later at the Roots and Folk music festival. We spent about 5 hours together at the festival, including a spectacular time in the dance tent listening to a salsa band jam on the horns. Lots of side stage entertainment, booths, and food vendors. I stuck to my Starbucks and water, while Andrew had some beers. I grabbed a blanket out of the car and we settled in on the lawn for the closing acts on the mainstage. The diet carnage today was extreme (including a corn dog and pizza and kettle chips) but it was really a lot of fun.
Andrew's co-worker was performing in a play; she got us 2 tickets for free so we went to the 10:30PM show which let out around 12:30. I developed a pretty painful tooth/jaw ache during the last several hours of the evening; not sure what is going on but it is not a good sign.
I blew off a huge event night @ #2 this evening, Chris and Ian were there, and Chris texted me that a lot of 'old people' were there. Meaning, old school, probably a lot of people I used to know. But I am not sad for missing it really.
The diet carnage concluded with a stop @ White Castle on the way home for 4 burgers and fries. I am going in the wrong direction again for sure but just gotta try to get restarted tomorrow. My ankle won't take a long run I fear but perhaps I will attempt a "brick" again.
I also have a TON of work to do for my job. Speaking of which, Suenos, I am quite sure I wouldn't mind work so much if I liked the work, no doubt, but the fact of the matter is that I enjoy my leisure activities including exercising and am not interested in giving them up for a job.
I just love a day like this, it just kept going and going and going and I did soooo much. It would have been the cherry on top of my day if Pitch had been able to join us, He had also intended to go to the fest and wanted to see the headlining band but family needs sent him to the hometown for the weekend. I was thinking about him throughout the day, and hope we get to spend some more time soon.
My eyes are shutting, I hope to get a LOT of sleep tonight!!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 July 2009 03:05 pm |
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First Things First
In a way, I am glad that I didn't sleep until Noon, although I do surely need to catch up on some sleep, because lots of things need to happen today. So first things first, I gotta create a realistic to-do list covering both personal and work stuff and then chart out the week ahead. I am feeling optimistic that I will get through it just fine. In fact, I am rather looking forward to Tuesday because it is a sales meeting downtown and I have the whole day blocked off on my calendar, but really will only need a couple of hours and should be able to catch up on several things then, instead of cramming them in today. Yay for trying to restore the Balance of the Universe.
My ankle was a bit painful/uncomfortable this morning although its one of those things that seems to get better once it loosens up. Well it is nice out so I may bike a bit although my left ankle is the one I clip out of. I could swim, but I don't know a good pool to use while I get the hang of things. The park district and YMCA pools frankly scare me, no offense to anyone who uses them, and they are also probably very crowded.
Foodwise, I need to have a solid, very healthy day today. On le menu: salad, turkey, yogurt, more salad, and perhaps a bit of whole wheat ravioli I have thawed if I am feeling like I must have some carbs. Oh! The Humanity! of my food festival yesterday. I feel the 5 pounds I have regained, I assure you.
I am not sure what I was dreaming of last night, I virtually never remember my dreams, but I woke up feeling the sting that Michael hasn't followed up yet in setting a time to get together and talk. I am sure that he has other priorities but right now it feels like a dangling participle - to me, I am sure not to him - but I do so want to hear the things it may be tough to hear about myself, so that learn from this. I also want to have this conversation one on one before I see him again at a club, because that would kill any chance there is to ever have it. Well I am not going to beg or plead, the control is in his hands as it always has been. But it seems as if I either need to "demand" and force this very soon for my own peace of mind or just give up and have him completely out of my life, which I think would be unfortunate and unnecessary. Dealing with this issue has to wait until I get my other things done, however, so moving right along...
After that brief dark interlude, I am feeling good about the day, the weekend, the weather, the prospects, and life in general right now. It is amazing what decompressing and regaining some balance can do for you.
I am off to make the most of this glorious day. Work can be done in nearly any setting one chooses, with the miracles of laptop computers and wireless internet access.
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suenos
Moderator
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Posted: 12 July 2009 03:18 pm |
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| sounds like a really fun day yesterday and cheers to today turning out even better!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 13 July 2009 08:09 am |
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Other than staying up too late, which I will regret tomorrow, and blowing off some work thinking time, which I will also regret tomorrow, it was a good night.
I made a fire around 7:30. There was an exquisite moment when I was just relaxing and it was just about sundown and there was a bagpiper plaing about 6 houses down. The music floating washed over me like a wave of love for the simple things in life.
Chris came over around 9. What an amazing guy he is and what a nice friendship we are developing. He is so honest and understated and unassuming and just plain nice. He shared a lot of his stories which in turn, led me to be open with a few of mine. There are certain things it is difficult for me to talk about but I am slowly getting more comfortable with him. He stayed until 1:30 but I wasn't in any hurry for him to go, it was wonderful. I drank an entire pitcher of lemon water; while I was tempted to have 'just 1' coctail with him, I didn't.
Chris in the past 4 weeks or so has been starting to get to know D at #1. He said something to me last week and I just dismissed it. He brought it up again tonight. He says that D is a pretty cool guy. He's noticed that D & I don't talk to each other. Chris also told me that D was asking questions, wanting to know if Chris and I are involved. Chris told him no, that we are just friends and that I am a 'cool chick' to hang out with. Ostensibly D's question would be because Chris and I are frequently together @ #1 and tend to arrive and depart around the same times. However, D thought back in November/early December that something was going on with me and Chris. D was in fact jealous of Chris at the time. For what it is worth, D now knows that there is not and was not.
Oh, and I had some good texts with Pitch tonight, he's been doing very good with working out lately and swam 2 miles today. Dude. I can tell he is feeling better about himself and neat that he gives me credit for inspiring him to get into shape.
There's probably more but I am sooo tired. Bed!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 13 July 2009 09:29 pm |
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I overslept this morning - don't know what happened exactly - but woke up @ 8:30. I felt rested at the time but progressively throughout the day have been in a fog. It is at its worst right now. Not sure if it is just the lack of sleep thing it almost feels like allergies; I had a whole package of whole wheat ravioli yesterday; todays' brekkie included wheat toast and I had 1/2 bagel for after lunch snack and started sneezing and getting fuzzy face. Coffee isn't helping which is also a clue that it is not lack of sleep.
Since I was thinking a while back that I might be having a reaction to Triscuits, perhaps I should read up more on wheat gluten allergies. Although, yesterday they started me on 300mg tabs of Wellbutrin (from 150 2x per day,which I often skipped the 2nd pill) and that change could be doing something as well. Also my contacts have been fuzzy all day but I attribute that to the fire last night, I will change them out when I get home and see.
The tiredness/haze is having an impact in terms of out of control eating. I had probably 400 cals in mini kit kats/peanut butter cups from the girl next door, and then that 1/2 bagel with a pretty thick portion of cream cheese. Just because it was there.
While you could knock me over with a feather right now, I am hoping I will bounce back and bet able to go for a run after work or this evening. Because right now I feel like I cannot go to my next meeting without falling over. Hoping for some improvement, soon.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 July 2009 01:56 am |
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Lost Key
I am sitting here hydrating and planning to try for a run. Head still foggy and face still fuzzy tingly but hoping run will help.
Anyway this post is about a lost key. I woke up this AM and went to go let CDog out and realized the back door was unlocked all night. Now, I have the kind where you need to have the key to get out as well as in - a double deadbolt. Long story short, I look for it this AM, didn't find it, looked in my car after work thinking perhaps it had gotten in one of my sling bags - no luck. I dug into my memory banks to recall the last time I think I saw it - yesterday afternoon while I was taking out garbage/recyclables. I remember I had it in my hand while tossing the trash and thinking oh, why am I doing this with the key in my hand, I need to be careful; then dumping the recyclables. I don't remember anything past that point. I've retraced all my steps. I've been through the garbage at a very...detailed...lever.
So, it disappeared between 4PM and 6AM. What sucks, is that Chris was over during that time.
Now, I trust him, I really do, I don't think he would ever steal or want to break in or anything; in fact, he's pretty disgusted by some of Carlton's less than honorable shinanegans. But it freaking sucks when you have to include that in your list of possibilities. I would say 99.5% chance I did something absent-minded with it and 0.5% chance Chris has it. I am not upset about losing a key, I have spares; it is having to even consider the possibility that Chris may not be the Chris that I know. I hope it turns up, somewhere, somehow, but I've looked EVERYWHERE.
ARGH!!! OK time to go for a run. Gotta review 2 things for work tonight and then get to bed early so I can be on my toes for my presentation tomorrow.
Weight 127.5. Awful. I am getting chunky.
Last edited on 14 July 2009 02:58 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 July 2009 03:51 am |
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Rigidity
I am back to where my lower legs and ankles are locking when I am trying to run. The rest of me is fine and I really really wanted to run hard it was so frustrating. This was with not my new pair of Muzino's but my most recent New Balance. I managed a mile, then walked and got some more water from the gas station. I really don't see how this could be dehydration since I also drank a lot of water yesterday and my usual amount at work today. I finished my 3.1m route but it was a lot of stop and go. I'd guess around 2.3J 0.8W? in 42:30. Barely got my heart rate up. Maybe I'll bike tomorrow after the morning rush. I am working from home until early afternoon when I have to go downtown for my presentation.
I wonder if the muscle rigidity is in any way related to my other health complaints of the day. I hope getting this stuff down will help me some day. I just have not been able to get my running fitness level up to where it was last fall and it is frustrating.
Got Gut(s)
My gut stinks. I am not going to tone tonight but I must tomorrow. Along with packing on a little bit of fat I am losing my definition. Well, we all have little backslidings, it time to get back on that horse!!
"My Baby's On the Level"
I phoned Michael today after having let things breathe for a week and he was friendly enough. If he didn't want to talk to me I supposed he'd not have answered the phone. He gave me the lastest updates and then rattled off his schedule which is booked the next 2 nights and leaves Thurs on a trip out of town to visit a friend in Florida until next Monday. Still he offered up to get together when he gets back so it looks like I will have an opportunity to get some insight and some closure. I am not sure I am going to be able to be 'just friends' around Michael though.
Dang. Its not every day you meet a guy whose kiss makes your knees give out. I rather miss that intoxicating feeling. Although in the whole scheme of things I'm probably a bit more level headed when I don't have "a head full" of a particular guy.
Raconteurs - Level http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sblEd3VOQK0
Gee, it's been a while I guess since I had some music in here.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 July 2009 05:01 am |
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| OK time for bed. I am in that drowsy suggestive Xanax state. Musssstttt...resist....snacking....
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 July 2009 06:31 am |
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I couldn't get to sleep. After an hour I got up and then lost the snack battle. It was a lot. 975. Dang.  Not going to hlep me get to sleep either. And tomorrow is a big day. And I was so tired today too.
Let me see if I can come up with something resonant to write about for a spell. I am now resetting my alarm for an hour later in the AM hopefully that will still permit some decent sleep.
And I just sneezed after eating so I am going to have to write down everything I consumed. Ready?
12 grain bread, chicken salad, bit of grated cheese 225
smartpop 100
rice cake, peanut butter 125
banana 100
tortilla, ham 150
a few triscuits 70
12 grain bread, turkey, with sauce/more grated cheese 205
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 July 2009 02:39 am |
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Suddenly On A Roll
Wow, I felt so-so this morning after hitting the snooze for at least an hour. Eating all that food was just stupid. I finally had some eggs and a piece of 12-grain toast (230) for brunch and at the sales meeting some Garret's popcorn (caramel & cheese) which is completely famous and decadent but really tasty (300). For dinner now, green salad with grape tomato, red onion, little bit of feta, and light raspberry-walnut dressing (125).
The roofer who came by about the leak I liked, until he refused point blank to warranty a repair. "New roof - warranty. Repair - no warranty." Tony told me in a husky, thick polish accent.
Shortly thereafter, my doorbell rang and someone looking for work, long story short let the guy clean and caulk my gutters; I got overcharged and theres an area which clearly is in worse shape than when he found it. I'll just have to deal with that later. There's another guy coming over Thursday to look @ the roof and perhaps he can clean up that little problem.
Anyway, what is remarkable is that my energy level and alertness seemed to come back all day - and oh-gee I just realize that I totally forgot to take my wellbutrin 300 this morning and also put in clean contacts this morning etc etc so things are just funny and I don't know why.
But even though I urgently need to be prepping for meetings tomorrow, I came home and did my toning, and then went for a run. And I did struggle, and had some problems with my lower legs again, but they weren't as bad, and the walking parts in between were shorter. My speed was up and I hit that fantastic mind-body connection again. Sweated great, it was one of those workouts that felt so good, so clear, so cleansing, that I just didn't want to stop. It's just that my legs kept going numb. However I did do an extra mile just because it felt to good today to be working out. 4.1M 3.7J 0.4W The first 5K was in 35:02 and I didn't time the extra mile. But ddaaaaang that was awesome.
Hit the shower and now am off to Starbucks to get ready for important meetings tomorrow.
I just sent off a proper invitation to Pitch for the pleasure of his company for dinner and a nice fire either Friday or Saturday. Weather should be perfect for it and I would love hanging out. Although I am realizing I would like to compromise the 'dry for July' rule under that scenario but I will talk with Dr. B about it. It is like giving myself permission for an exception if I adhere to certain conditions.
And I just got a text from Chris - I don't know how it happened, but he does have my key. It usually sits on the recliner and I had offered him the chair because I don't like it and never use it (it was bought for L and it doesn't match the other furniture.) More than likely he picked up the key when he went to sit in the chair and then without thinking ended up putting it in his pocket. Yay. All is right.
Perhaps I should get a lottery ticket on my way to Starbucks.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 July 2009 05:10 am |
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Foodie
I love to eat. Sigh.
That is the conclusion. Since I wasn't hungry, not really, yet I had a bit of hummus (35) a tortilla/ham rollup with a bit of cheese (180) and 5 triscuits with peanut butter (190). And now I just want to keep going.
I know having a good day of 655IN and about 155Net after exercise is a legit excuse - but I really wasn't hungry, not in the 'tummy rumbling' sense.
Well - it stops now, I am going to get to bed and have a good nights' sleep, get up early and finish conquering Europe. For once and for all. Things progress forward tomorrow or 'the bill gets stuck in committee' as they say.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 July 2009 08:02 am |
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You know, if I could only fall asleep and stay asleep I'd eliminate a lot of calories from my diet. Got back up and had a light and fit yogurt (80) and 6 mini bagel dogs with ketchup. (365).
I put the a/c on as it was really quite stuffy in here and took 2/3 of a Xanax. Hoping for sleep soon...I've set my alarm 2 hours past my original plan, sacrificing prep time for sleep time. Rationale - I need to be able to think on my feet in this meeting tomorrow.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 July 2009 02:37 pm |
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Bacon and scone. My my my there is a decided lack of weight-loss goal orientation right now. Blame it on Europe, I guess. My head is full of distractions.
Wish me luck! Lunch with the European president and my boss today.
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 July 2009 05:50 pm |
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So, Mol.....................I think you are giving yourself permission to eat more at night. Do you think?
If you can't get the mindset..............I'd put a big old padlock on the fridge, and another on the food closet (put ALL the food in this closet)...........and have a standing date with your neighbor to deliver the keys to him at a specified time every single night! With the understanding that you can't have the keys back until after 5:00-6:00 a.m. 
Maybe you need a Sleep Number (Select Comfort) bed? When my head hits the pillow, I fall asleep with my glasses on..........and wake up in the same position the next morning, glasses intact!
Good luck  at lunch today, with the European Pres. and your boss!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 16 July 2009 01:36 am |
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Pat, I probably am. I feel like I am in survival mode all of a sudden. Especially today my stress level is as high as it has been in recent memory and I feel all of a complete panic. I don't have time to write all that I would, which is probably a relief to anyone reading. In a nutshell, the dialog is centering around me doing both jobs to some degree on both continents and travelling at least 50% of the time. This not what I signed up for and I am terrified of living out of a suitcase for 2-3 years and more terrified of not setting up 'roots' or a support network and just being in no man's land. Considering how long it is taking me to establish 'a life' here in the states, and only working 40 hours per work, what will it be like when I am a ghost, the neighbor no one ever sees? It is not an enviable existence.
I don't know that anyone else on this site has a similar job which requires them to be on the road a lot. If they do I'd like some more perspective on how they handle this. I think it would be different if I had a spouse or rommmate or someone as 'home base' who could be an anchor. But I have no one. I can make friends anywhere, but it takes lots of time to establish meaningful bonds.
I don't want to be alone.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 16 July 2009 04:17 am |
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Well I had a lovely long workout, although it was a struggle the whole way. Run walk run walk but I think I got in close to 4 miles.
I went an unusual route, and stopped @ Sbucks for water. Dell was there with friend, studying as usual, and I can't wait to see what happens next. I sorta did this on purpose. They were out on the patio and I just waved and went in and got water, then out the side door by where they were sitting. Dell chatted me up as usual and then a few minutes later I said goodnight and went on my way. It was only at that point that I turned my back to them, my tank top revealing my dragon tattoos as I walked away. Heh. My guess is Dell won't be bothering me any more. Maybe he will finally understand that I really am in a completely different league. Even the running seemed to take him by surprise. But then....he has surprised me before. So, as I said, I can't wait to see what happens next.
And I got a nice message from Pitch, we are on for Friday night. I didn't need one more thing on my schedule but I expect we are going to have a nice time decompressing together. Two extremely high anxiety freaks getting together for dinner, drinks*, fire, and music. *conditional provision :)
Today's eats:
Scone+Bacon (540); Usual chix salad/salad bar lunch (300); stupid biscotti (140); stupider kit kat (200). I added 2 V8 juices for dinner (60) due to hardly any green and lots of sugar. 1240IN, rougly 830 net.
I need to schedule a haircut. I am trying to find time to get a root canal at my dentist 50 miles away. I got roped into volunteering for something Sunday which went from a 4 hour commitment including an hour biking; to a 6 hour commitment with no exercise and standing around handing out literature and talking to people. I should just have said No but this was for someone I really like and want to help out, as she affords me opportunities to meet and get involved in athletic events. So, the good with the bad I guess.
I gotta go get ready for the maid.
Help! I am stressed! I don't want to live like this again! I feel my freedom slipping away...
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 16 July 2009 02:35 pm |
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Mol, I've never been in a job situation like you are describing, but..................the year 2007 was high stress for me. Too many things going on ALL THE TIME that I had to handle or be involved in. That year was almost the end of me! I felt like I had no life, I was just existing to do things for everyone else...........I felt like I had no down time.........and even though I wasn't traveling or living out of a suitcase, I still kind of felt like I had no roots. I think because I was hardly ever home..........it wasn't a "home" anymore, it became a "house". I ended the year with that bout of depression.
I called it quits at the beginning of 2008..........resigned or gave up all the "positions" I'd volunteered for. When you are used to saying "yes", it's hard to just say "no" and to step back. That almost killed me.............but the stress was killing me (and my relationships) faster. So, I made myself do it! That's my 2 cents worth!
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 16 July 2009 02:43 pm |
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Mol, one more thing, my dear..................think back............read back over your diary, if you have to.................what has stress, lack of sleep, no time for exercise done for you in the past? That might help you think this through.
At least when I had that awful year, I had God as my anchor........my lifeline..........the one I could cling to, who would always be there for me...........the one whom I knew would get me through. You don't have that. Who/What would be your lifeline when it got to be too much.............who in your life would always be there for you, no matter where you are or what you were going through? Being on the move, and being high stressed doesn't make for much time to establish supporting relationships. Would you turn to alcohol and popping pills to sleep and popping pills to wake up and keep going at that pace? I'm just not sure this is a good move for you.
I hope it's OK that I spoke up..............I don't want you to get into something that you can't handle or that would destroy you.  Pat *big hug*
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mollymoo24
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Posted: 16 July 2009 05:04 pm |
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Pat - exactly! I have seen the difference! My life is not perfect by any stretch, but I have been waaayy happier and healthier overall by having a good diet and fitness and time to explore and do new/fun things. In fact, it has come home in the last 2 weeks as I have been working evenings and on the weekends again, and not eating right and not taking care of myself, how much more stressed I feel!
Further, while I haven't been investing in all 'good' relationships I am slowly building/rebuilding 'some' good relationships and those are an important part of my life as well. I love to travel and explore, but I also like to come 'home' to the familiar. It is that sense of "home", of "belonging", of "place" that I need as an anchor. It is the same reason why I went to #1 even after all the fallout happened; and why I go to #2 even when I know that I stay out too late and fall to temptation. It is absolutely essential that I have personal time and time to grow and develop a network or I will be especially vulnerable.
So, I have to figure out how to make this work for me! And I am talking with my coach Steve this morning for some assistance and advice.
Thanks for your support! Will update later...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 17 July 2009 01:43 am |
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Such a strange state I am in.
Overwrought and overstressed, yeah work and personal demands are colliding and that is driving most of it. Still, I didn't realize how bad my anxiety used to be, until I just started experiencing it again. Rocketshippy today. Not sure the 300 dose of Wellbutrin is innocuous in this. There is an overcurrent (not undercurrent) however of calm, which I suppose is the Wellbutrin hanging overhead like a low cloud cover, preventing the Rocketship from fully taking off. It's a freaky and uncomfortable feeling, like my mind is in conflict with my mind about what emotional state, energy level, intensity, to be in right now.
Peapod just came and I love having everything healthy stocked. There is some new organic salsa I am psyched to try. Its amazing how much I spent on liquor which is not intended for my own consumption (gin for Chris, Honker's ale for Pitch). For myself, I am going to try an NA beer which is made by the makers of Guinness, called Kaliber. Looks way more promising than Sharps. I have to resist inviting Chris over, it is a Thursday night and that is often our 'going out' night to #3. But I need to stay on track, I have an awful lot of work to do and am thinking of heading over to Starbucks in a bit. Blowing off toning and exercise altogether tonight.
At least calorie wise I did OK today. Brekkie - SBucks turkey bacon sand (350) - Lunch dry cheeseburger (600) - Dinner yummy salad (130) and yogurt (80). 1160IN. Nekkid weight 126.
I went to see my regular physician today about the issues with my rigid muscles and other symptoms which all seem to be waxing and waning at the same times. This may be a long process. We started with some Xrays and an MRI is planned. He thinks it may be a problem originating in my lumbar spine that has a really long name. We shall see.
Then I went to see Dr. B and she decided to be harsh on me today. She believes that I am in denial about a lot of things still and she was giving me the objective reality. For example, Pitch, who, she says if he wanted something more than friends, would have done so by now. Perhaps. I have 'reasons why' this one could and should take a long time (the high school factor for example). She says I am fooling myself in thinking there's a chance 'down the road' and if I found someone else I would not find any need to invest so much attention into Pitch. She's probably right and I probably need to move on to other interests. I know myself however, and I always have to have 'someone' that I like or who likes me, always this need to seek validation as a woman. So I don't ever just move on to "nothing". I have to move on to "someone" or I don't move at all.
Tomorrow I am working only 1/2 day. Going in early, then my dentist is sending me to the endodontist for a tooth that is sending out warnings (btw I don't have any idea what I am in for, I've never been to one). Then back to the office, a haircut, a couple of errands, possibly a bike ride/toning, and lastly, evening with Pitch. No wonder I am freaking exhausted all the time. Glad I don't have too much going on Saturday. Sunday, I am volunteering in the very early AM, and then I gotta get some of "MY" stuff done.
Pat - thanks for sharing earlier. I've not yet climbed out of my own pit yet, and while the transfer wouldn't be for another 6 months at least, I am not thinking there is a magical time frame I can point to and say "I'm good now, thanks". Some of the demons I am facing I've faced for most of my adult lifetime (lacking confidence, negative self-worth, etc). This is playing heavily into my thinking but I need to reach a satisfactory conclusion and drive that conclusion to fruition next week. So that, whatever my course, I can embrace it with gusto! and get on with living life!
Last edited on 17 July 2009 02:14 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 17 July 2009 01:44 am |
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| Whatever happened to Samurai decision making anyway? Laughing at self.
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