| Author | Post |
|---|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 24 June 2009 07:25 am |
|
As usual when I eat so much so late, I am still up at 1:20AM with no relief in sight. Time for a bit-O-Xanax. My throat is really killing me too.
Ian told me tonight about a movie to check out - Donny Darco (sp?). Perhaps I will go see if I can find a trailer or something online.
Things are not boding well for a good day tomorrow. I think I need to see the Dr., but its Wednesday, so I probably won't be able to get in. Er.
Shiny happy people holding hands.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 24 June 2009 08:06 am |
|
| It is 2:05. Pathetic. The best I can hope for is a few hours...yeah, my throat still hurts badly too.
|
suenos
Moderator
|
Posted: 24 June 2009 03:00 pm |
|
| Hey Mol, hope ya feel better soon!
|
50lbs2lose
New Member
| Joined: | 24 July 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 383 |
|
Posted: 24 June 2009 05:27 pm |
|
| Your weight must stay low because you don't eat that much during the day? But maybe if you ate more during the day you would not snack sooo much at night? Just a thought.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 25 June 2009 12:05 am |
|
OK I Admit It.
I need to chill out. My throat was on fire this morning along with problems swallowing (read=fire) swollen glands throat etc all as bad as ever. Cannot talk, stayed home all day IMing with the office. So - no, not a Starbucks thing, nor a Triscuit thing...apparently it really is a virus thing. Wanted to wait and see my regular doc Thursday cause I am obviously dealing with a stressed immune system right now, but around 3PM, pain and frustration and reality got the better of me, and I fled to the clinic and got antibiotics. Strep negative. It's a 5-day course of Zythromiacyn (sp?) apparently more of a power punch, since I've been sick for like 4 weeks now. Hopefully I will be much better tomorrow. I think its making my tummy sick though. I did treat myself to some ice cream.
I am relieved to have a legit excuse to not entertain Chris this evening cause I really didn't have room for him in my schedule this week anyway. I think Mike might be flaking on me - if he is, it will mean one fewer complication in my life. I am also going to sit back on the Pitch line of interest for a bit. Last night I saw a blurb that a band we both like a lot is coming to town; rather than saying 'hey let's go to this' I just sent the link and said "This should be good." He replied overnight "It should be great. Hope I'm in town." Hmmmm I was hoping for something implying that he wantd to go together. I'll make myself crazy if I try to read to much into every little message we trade but something tells me to just sit back for a week or two and let him initiate the next few contacts.
If I allocate my 780 from last night into today, I am at 1135IN (only had a yogurt plus the ice cream).
Goals for the rest of the evening:
- Peapod shopping
- Put away laundry
- Toning and a walk, perhaps a bit of jog if up to it
Right now however, I am extremely drowsy and will lay down for a bit. The #1 thing is rest up and feel much better tomorrow.
|
Beth
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 25 June 2009 12:13 am |
|
I hope you can get some rest and feel better ASAP. 
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 25 June 2009 01:47 am |
|
Promotional Plug
Thanks Beth and Suenos for your get-well wishes. I am expecting a major difference by tomorrow morning now that I am firing the "big guns" at this bug.
As an added bonus, antibiotics = no alchohol.  I can sure do without those empty calories.
And now for the plug:
Marie Callendar's Turkey with Stuffing frozen dinner. Only 350 calories complete with mashed taters, stuffing, turkey medallions, gravy, green beans and a coupla cranberries. Talk about comfort food without blowing out the diet. Mmmm mmmmm mmmmm its like Thanksgiving at Mol's house.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 25 June 2009 02:36 am |
|
Total 1642IN for the day, including the 780 I 'rolled over' from last night.
It sucks not exercising. I am just not up to it. The meds are making me dizzy; as it is, I still cannot put in my contacts due to the pink eye/eye drops.
OK, so here are the cute earrings my morrocan friend gave me @ Starbucks on Sunday night. I am sure it means something, he had the exact same keychain, I need to do some browsing unless someone can clue me in. I am wearing them right now:
And unrelatedly, this bug was in my house today. Does anyone know what this bug is, is that long black thing a stinger or something innocuous?
I am so drowsy, dizzy, drained, but I gotta get down what just happened. L just called, didn't text, me about coming over to get his stuff. Calling is a good thing, it is a sign of being in a mode to communicate. Anyway, he told me he was getting ready to go into the pool, that he's been using the pool every day since it got nice, he actually bought swim trunks, so I know he's feeling better about his bod. When said he was going to come over tomorrow night to pick up his stuff, I told him it would need to be at a specific time, because I have plans - those plans might be cancelled in which case I could let him know and he could come over - otherwise Friday. He sounded a little funny about me having 'plans' which he knows means 'guy' because normally I would have been more specific and said 'oh I am going to the movies" etc.
So, keeping in mind he normally hates conversing on the phone...he then proceeded to tell me how he's going up to the MI house in 2 weeks, first time since April when he brought my stuff home, going to have a house full of people including SB/hubby and some visitng relatives and they are all going to wineries etc. It was just a pang. I know SB/hubby are very careful not to 'pick sides' but that's just such a strong echo of the kind of thing we used to all do together, and just another reminder that L hung on to almost everything of our old life, and I am the one who has had to start over. I let him have everything and don't even want to fight over it. I was dead silent and got the 'HELLO! HELLO!' and finally all I could get out of my mouth was "That was painful". And I don't know if that gave him joy or what but he just ignored that comment and prattled on. So I just said 'have fun' and hung up the phone. Mol fiery emotions zero to 100 in the blink of an eye. I don't know why THAT in particular hurts so much...I guess it was because that was OUR house, that was OUR life, that area is where we planned to retire, trolled for days on end looking @ real estate...that is where such a huge amount of our good, stress-free happy moments were, that is the place where we went from friends to being more...15 years in that house....awwww #%@&!.
And now I've hung up on him which probably was unwarranted. I don't think he meant to hurt me, I think he is legitimately excited to have some company and be able to enjoy the house again. But I do hurt now. Unexpectedly. Out of nowhere. KA-BAM! Emotional storm. It will pass soon I am sure.
Flaky Mike just texted me twice, I am just not going to deal with it. In fact, I am turning the g*d phone off for the night.
|
jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 761 |
|
Posted: 25 June 2009 04:13 am |
|
Hey Mol,
Hope you feel better. Don't be to tough on L in this case - maybe he's just a little insensitive. I know I can be totally clueless.
p.s. no idea in the bugs...Last edited on 25 June 2009 04:13 am by jackbenimble
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 25 June 2009 05:15 am |
|
Hi Jack, good to see you bud - you too Cindy - thanks for dropping by.
I just hopped back on to say I went for a walk/jog to try to get my head clear of the L situation. 2.6M 0.9J/1.7W didn't track time. During said walk, since I always take my phone in case of emergency, I got a text from the gal who is going to sit C-Dog for me over the weeknend, so then I just went on texting for a mile and a half. I told Mike I cannot make tomorrow work, then I told L to come over tomorrow. He agreed, but is terse, I'll work it out tomorrow.
The walk/jog didn't cure my pangs of emotion, so I comforted myself with LOTS of food when I got home. ham/bleu cheese sandwich. pb&j sandwich. bread/cheese/olive oil. and more ice cream with syrup. I actually really enjoyed it. What the heck. I am supposed to feel guilty and instead I was so happy that I just let myself feel some real normal emotion, and do a real, normal thing like eat. I mean, that's life right? Suddenly I feel like Renee Zellwieger in Bridget Jones' Diary. Ah, it would really hit the spot to watch that movie right now. I need to go to bed, but I am gonna take some Xanax and then find that first bit on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0D0zfB1l1x0
Hmmmm you know, it's dawning on me that there is an awful lot to relate to in this movie...and awful lot...I gotta buy this flick and watch it again. Soon. Who'd have thunk any movie with Renee Zellweiger, Hugh Grant, and Colin Firth would show up in this journal?
|
Terabyte
New Member
| Joined: | 18 November 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 886 |
|
Posted: 25 June 2009 03:55 pm |
|
are michael and mike the same person?
and the stupid top advisor called last night and ignored it. i was playing final fantasy with a much better man!!!! go team!!!
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 25 June 2009 04:11 pm |
|
Terabyte wrote: are michael and mike the same person?
and the stupid top advisor called last night and ignored it. i was playing final fantasy with a much better man!!!! go team!!!
Go team!!! I love what you said about making room in your heart TB, it is a simple philosphy yet so true.
And no....not the same guy. Michael's the polyamorous gothic comic book artist and super charismatic sexy dude I met back in Feb, the one I am missing....Mike is a computer geek and writer I am just trying to get to know a bit better before I decide if I want to start something up....he's an odd bird but there's some undeniable chemistry going on.
I am not magically feeling 100% today, but probably 50% which is way better than 10%. Incredibly dizzy though which is a side effect of those meds...and of lack of sleep. I reset my alarm this morning and then an hour later in an awwwwwsh*t moment leapt awake when I remembed I needed to get CDog to his vet appt. Just barely made it, stopped @ Sbucks for coffee+turkey bacon sandwich, then got to the office it is someone's birthday and I had a donut. I seriously am not being serious right now about my eating an my clothes are starting to fit tighter again. Must do better, I am sure it will be much easier when I am feeling better and eating and exercising regularly.
Oh.....and I cannot believe it but I am eyeing a sprint Triathalon coming up in a few weeks but I don't have any swimming training nor much experience and that is probably not enough time to get ready to swim 1/2 mile sprint. I am asking my friends about it today, but I also think that given my sickness it is not a good time to 'overexert myself'.
And an amazing thing happened through the networking site last night. A completely random comment by a girl from h.s. who I haven't even yet spoken with, led to some private email exchanges and I had totally forgotten that I had bought her trumpet from her when she went to college. She remember the brand, then I remembered the model, and then I found one just like it for sale on the internet right now which appears to be in good condition, for a decent price, and I am trying to buy it. That would be brilliant. I haven't played in 18 years, but with all the recent h.s. gatherings reunions and memories etc it would be just brilliant to pick it up again. Keeping my fingers crossed...
Back to work!!
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 26 June 2009 04:03 am |
|
Clockwork
First, last nights foodie festival abbundanza  is estimated at 1400 so revised totals: 3042IN/2808Net.
Today, I pulled off a very carefully constructed time management plan after work and got in a workout of 3.75M 3.4J/0.35J in est. 43:30 in this heat no less, sweating like a pig felt fantastic! No time for toning, alas. I picked up CDog @ 4 and he's still going to be on antibiotics for 2 more weeks. Was a little longer than I expected getting home, Thursday evening traffic in the summer always builds early. I pulled in the alley at 5:17 and knew I needed about 34 minutes to get in a 5K. Peapod was coming between 6 and 8. I bolted into the house, dropped off the dog unceremoniously, stretched for a minute and then got on my way. Nearly done, just as I was going for the last 0.1, I saw the Peapod truck already in front of my house. Stopped, let them in, put away the cold stuff, then proceeded, still sweating, back out to finish and then added a bit more just for the fun of it. Back home again by 6:20, quick chat with the neighbor, then shower, dress, and ready for L's visit at 7.
Your Silent Face...or Twiddle Twiddle
What a waste of 2 hours. He pretty much sat and didn't and would 't say much. So I asked him why he was there; response "to pick up my check and so you can see M-Dog". And I am thinking to myself - "OK, well that's done, if that's all why don't you leave?" I kept thinking he must want to talk about something or say something but I couldn't get anything out of him. He sat across the room in the recliner the whole time. At one point he remarked, as I tried to get him to comment on my possible job opportunity in Europe, "MY opinion means NOTHING, YOU wanted this divorce, what, did you think we can be FRIENDS? " "Why are you being hostile?" "I am not hostile." "Well that sounded hostile to me." Silence. Nothing. Blank looks. I thought about just asking him to leave so I could get on with my evening, but I kept thinking, hoping, we'd hit on something and there might be something that would come out of it. But nothing. He had his mind made up when he walked in to throw up a wall and keep it there. And he did admit last night, that he was half glad in a way when I was feeling hurt over the Michigan house. So, all the things I try to attribute to L - how he'd never deliberately hurt me, and he will always have my back - they are just wrong, they are just concepts that I hang on to, to justify why I decided to be with this man and stick by him for so long in spite of some serious gaps, someone so far below me on the social ladder, a nice, genuine, good person who just got lost... but the fact is, and I am sad about it, that I might be better off despising him and cutting him totally loose. It just doesn't seem right, but I cannot have him coming over and upsetting my life in this way, either. I guess it must be time to sever, for an undetermined period of time. We barely even said goodbye anyway, I guess that's enough said right there. I will miss M-Dog. But tonight I realized - truly - I don't miss him. I care about him, I want to know how he is doing, I want him to do better but I don't miss him. I am sure he has every right to be bitter, but then, simply, I don't want to deal with him.
The Other Stuff
Anyway: Today's totals: 1062IN/675Net but that IN includes not only 1 but 2 doughnuts at the office today. Tomorrow I will eat healthier. I have tons of good and green back in the house.
Scale after sweating 124 so I think I am hanging in there around 125.5 or so inspite of some severe recent blowouts. I am hitting major peaks and valleys when I have a blowout then try to make up for it, I do end up binging. My strategy for when I make mistakes must be to have a 'normal' next day and not a low day, counting on exercise to eventually make up lost ground. Its a steadier approach and one that has worked over the long run.
Just took my 2nd of 5 days of antibiotics and have started on some vitamins recommended by the ob/gyn and the meds Dr. Time to sleep soon. Glad I postponed Mike tonight, I am not rested/healthy enough yet and really, there's no rush. On the networking site, Pitch made a brilliant comment on the picture I posted of the trumpet I am buying:
"That is nothing but pure, unadulterated rock and roll in a protective hardcover case."
Oh my. My heart fluttered. He really gets it. I remind myself that I am sitting back a bit on this, I know it is the right thing right now...but I can at least do that here in the privacy of my own journal...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 26 June 2009 04:54 am |
|
Hamsa
The earrings:
http://www.luckymojo.com/hamsahand.html
http://www.luckymojo.com/evileye.html
So, does my Moroccan friend just give these as a normal courtesy he would do for any girl he liked, or does he see something in me, personally, that he really thinks needs some extra protection...perhaps I will ask him Sunday night...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 26 June 2009 10:20 am |
|
Awake
Not sure why my body decided I needed to be back awake @ 3:15am tonight. Likely hormonal, mid-cycle stuff. It is a bit late to be taking Xanax 'cause I will wake up dopey. No one is around on the networking site so I am left up to my own lonesome. Go to check texts? Nope. Nothing. This is good actually. I like the relative calm and quiet which has spawned from being sick. I just have to keep the isolation from spiraling...and on that front, am looking ahead to a full weekend.
Tonight, Friday, probably will stop and see DJ M @#1 and then over to #2. Mike says he is busy until late but I have a feeling he will come over to #2 late if he knows I am there. Of course my usual mates will be out. Sat I am going out to where I grew up for a friends' 40th bash and staying overnight, then Sunday over to my Dad's for his bday. Sunday evening, Starbucks and my Moroccan friend. I am pleased to have an excuse to work from home next Monday because I have to go to nearby traffic court, so it will seem like a longer weekend.
Michael had a 2nd interview today but says it didn't go so great. I haven't actually seen him in 4 1/2 weeks now. I do miss him. Tough sh*t though. Nuff of that.
I am trying to not snack during this useless late night awakening. I think I'll try to take just a smidget of Xanax and try to go back to sleep. Zzzzzz.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 27 June 2009 01:49 am |
|
Heal
I am immersed in a moment of peace.
I often these days am alone in the house. Of course the TV is never on, but often have no radio/music playing either. My evenings, after workouts, dinner and little duties around the house are generally spent on the internet (in this journal, email, or the networking site) or having a small crisis trying to prioritize and organize my ever-expanding to-do list. Most of the time it seems I am emotional for some reason or other, agitated, stressed, melancholy, easily knocked off kilter, generally still treading water. Then once in a while I kick in and things start happening, which leads to getting all charged about feeling good and being productive and full of life and fun...then I take that irresistable ball of life energy out and go on a clubbing and drinking spree that sends me off into the abyss to start over from deep in a hole. Is it intentional self-sabotage or inability to control my emotions? In any event it seems that is my cycle, the cycle I have to recognize and consciously break.
I may not make it to the clubs tonight after all. DJ M is not going to be @ #1 after all and the only compelling reason to go to #2 would be to see Mike, who has other plans until late anyway. I am still very far from well. It is a good night for a fire, in fact it would be a darn fine night for a glass of wine by the fire except I cannot have one right now. The meds are making me dizzy but I still want to do toning and go for a run after I digest my dinner. I kindof ate a bit heavy, but healthy, for dinner, and then added a bowl of ice cream so I have to go throw all that in the calculator.
I won't be seeing Michael although we talked for quite a bit. He's going to work on his comic book tonight, with the clock ticking he's wigging out about not having landed a job, and the book is his outlet. Ah, how I can relate to that. 
I am thinking of running over and getting a decaf @ Starbucks but trying first to get my pink eye med refilled. Not working. Perhaps I contaminated the bottle. But I cannot get the darn doctor's office and Walgreens on the same page after 4 hours of trying. Anyway if I head out to WAG/Sbucks perhaps I can rent Bridget Jones' diary and watch that tonight. Out by the fire. That would be nice.
We will see what happens. I am tired. I am quiet. I meant to take a nap but lost too much time making dinner talking to EF and talking to Michael. Perhaps I will just lounge here on the couch and go to sleep very early and not do anything.... Zzzzzzzzz
|
Beth
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 27 June 2009 03:04 am |
|
Sounds like you feel better! Good! Sorry about the L thing. It wasn't working before you were divorced, so why should it work after the divorce? I'm glad you just moved on to something else and didn't let him push any more of your buttons. I don't know why they always have to try the head games. Vengence, I suppose.
Take care!
Beth
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 27 June 2009 07:19 am |
|
Well it is a long story but its 12:42AM and I am just starting to watch Bridget Jones via a streaming video site called Graboid Video. Seems to work pretty well and its a free trial.
I am in the backyard with the firepit going, and a bunny rabbit sitting near off to my left as Renee Zellweiger swigs a glass of wine and sings "All By Myseeeellllf". Earlier an opossum went skedaddling down the alley. A bit o nature in the big city.
I've had another huge midnight snack, if I'd have gotten this movie going 5 hours ago I'd be in bed. No exercise today either too exhausted. Planning a sleep in and then a nice run in the morning.
Mike passed on an opportunity to see me this evening, he was tired, but as far as I am concerned (and as Terabyte would tell me if I didn't tell myself) - I am not investing any more energy there. Michael's stress is revealing weaknesses I am surprised and sad to see, I thought he was rock solid, he's regressing and withdrawing and acting to a certain degree like a child. Even my mates didn't check in on me tonight, yeah they know I've been sick but still....and Pitch has been quieter than usual since our fabulous dinner last Friday. So things are way quiet for me right now, compared to recent times, it feels empty but its probably a good place to be. I can focus on my friends and family and to-do's and planning and vacation....and start preparing mentally for what is coming next week, I think some major stuff at work, including not only a potential opportunity in Europe but possibly a reoganization which may affect me.
Gonna go watch the rest of my flick, then bed, quiet, calm, contemplative...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 27 June 2009 03:37 pm |
|
I only slept 5 hours but am feeling pretty good this morning. Having some Illy coffee which I'd heard was good but its an expresso coffee and a little bland when just brewed regular. It was worth a try. I got good ol Starbucks on standby and will give the Illy to someone with an espresso maker. Or join them in a cup. Pitch perhaps. ;)
I am getting ready to go for what I hope will be an extended run this AM. I am frustrated by still having to wear glasses but the pink eye is much improved this morning, which confirms my theory of having contaminated the old bottle of drops. I drink a little coffee to wake up, then water to hydrate, so I don't dehydrate on the run. Going over to the woods. I'll leave the house around 10ish, I won't have the time to do a 10-miler today - or if I do, I'll push back my schedule for the remainder of the day by about an hour and a half. So guess I will see how much fun I am having.
Ooooh I also forgot I need to purchase Decemberists tickets which go on sale @ 10AM. This will all work out pretty well timing-wise. In the meantime, I will start laundry and plan what to pack and to wear for the next day and a half. I want to look good @ J's bday party, going to see some people I haven't seen in a long time, and there will be lots of photos to be sure. Also EF is going to come over to the party since I will be only about 7 miles from her house. Isn't it funny when your different 'worlds' of friends collide. Some people have a big general set of friends who know everyone or could generally all get along. Me, I have specific sets of friends, some of whom might get along, others would be scratching their heads to say 'what does she see in that person'? But me, I like all varieties of people, the more unique, the better.
OK - off to start my day, who knows when I will be back.
"whether you be glad, sad or bad
you've got to know that there's fun to be had"
Nitzer Ebb - Fun to Be Had http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fedgPYMuSs&feature=related
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 27 June 2009 07:47 pm |
|
Magic Eraser
Back @ the house, quick post - 10.3M 2:12xx estimating 8.3J/2.0W although I have to see if that really adds up. Changed schedules around w/friends but gotta get packed dressed and on the road soon. If I get a minute I am going to put my calories and run into the counter cause I erased some bad stuff today! Yay for the magic eraser. :)
|
50lbs2lose
New Member
| Joined: | 24 July 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 383 |
|
Posted: 28 June 2009 01:28 am |
|
| Yaeh times 2 for the great eraser!
|
OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 29 June 2009 12:50 am |
|
| Sorry to hear about the pink eye! I hate wearing glasses too.
|
Terabyte
New Member
| Joined: | 18 November 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 886 |
|
Posted: 29 June 2009 02:29 am |
|
| you are right--I would tell you not invest any more energy in someone who is not investing it in you. It sucks when it doesn't happen, but then it feels great when someone IS investing energy. Plus, its kind of like a path that is laid out for you, so that you know the right things to focus on because they make themselves heard and known instead of trying to ride a dead horse.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 29 June 2009 03:13 am |
|
Hi guys, and thanks for your messages.
I wrote a post earlier from home but for some reason couldn't get on CPH. Perhaps I'll put it up later. I am presently at Starbucks, 3rd week in a row from 8-10 on a Sunday eve. Wouldn't have headed over here except I didn't want to disappoint my Morrocan friend although I suppose I am hardly good company right now.
I need to get focused, I planned to come over here and really spend some quality time thinking about what my decision parameters should be about moving to Europe, and planning my trip to Iceland. But all I can seem to do is fight tears. More than likely this is being fed by forgetting my Wellbutrin most of the weekend and eating too much including a large quantity of sugary stuff. I am listening to songs which are fitting my mood, like Jevetta Steele's "Calling You" and Dirty Vegas' "Simple Things".
I've eked out the faintest bit of an existence in the past 6 months and while it isn't much, and I could probably pick up and move across an ocean just as easily as anyone, I have a difficult time knowing whether that is the right thing to do. Last year when I was contemplating taking the position in global marketing, the President of the company, in a moment which stripped me bare said "Mol, are you running toward something or running away from something"? Astute. And I don't know what this is. Am I running toward a new life, toward something I really want? Or am I running away from Tormentor, from loneliness, from being lost, in the hope of waking up somewhere else and finding myself in the middle of new life? It doesn't work that way of course, and perhaps I second guess my own motives as an exercise in trying to talk myself out of something which might ultimately make me happy. Mol. Perpetually in a prison of paralysis of analysis. So much for samurai decision making, huh? I guess I don't trust my instincts or rather, I've buried my instincts so deeply especially when it comes to work, career, and my own needs in general, that I've lost how to get in touch with them.
I could really use a good cry tonight and much reflection, and instead I am sitting here like a dumba$s waiting for my Morrocan friend to arrive in 27 minutes and take up more of my precious time. But I don't want to stand him up.
How much differently I might feel at this point in time if I was receiving particular attention from one of my preferred boys, or if something exciting were happening outside of work, like triathalon training or something with friends, etc., I don't know. This stupid greek boy keeps smiling and making eye contact and saying hi to me from the next table even though I have my IPod jammed in my ears and am tap tapping away. I am so tired of it all....
Where is my center? When and where am I going to find it?
And I've just realized that my Ipod has no Velvet Underground which is a shame because that would be good right now. I'm settling for Joy Division "Dead Souls" instead...
At least I know when I detox from the clubs and the alcohol I have a better shot at figuring it all out. I wish I could just stay here and stay up all night and just keep going because it is in here, somewhere, it wants to come out...it doesn't want to get lost and stuffed away while I talk to a Moroccan immigrant or while I figure out the million dollar answer for tomorrow morning's call or while I go to mandatory court tomorrow over a stupid traffic ticket. "Life" gets in the way of "LIFE"...I never get to the answers, only more questions...
"and so it goes...."
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 29 June 2009 05:39 am |
|
Back home, and still for some reason I cannot access CPH from my home computer while I can access it from my work computer just fine. However, I really don't like posting or even visiting this site from my work computer. It's weird. I have super anti-gravity firewall protection on my home machine and wonder if the LS evil doers have set the CPH site up to kick out anyone whose domain they cannot recognize as an existing user or something like that.
Anyway, my Moroccan friend, who shall henceforth be called Dell, did show punctually, and departed punctually, we spent the time talking more about our backgrounds primarily, he never knew his dad, who died in a motorcycle accident the year after he was born. Brother and sister live in Germany, mom in Morocco still but not any other close living relatives, certainly none here in the states. He has travelled around quite a bit to various countries doing his line of work. He brought some photos and told me a bit about what he likes to do (the beach, and certain nightclubs, not Mol clubs though). He's trying to get me to commit to going down to the lake or to a movie or something but I just keep turning him down and while a little sweet attention is nice, I just don't have the time to be spending on a sweet guy who clearly has no prospects for someone like me.
I continue to be blue about not hearing from any of my 'preferred guys' (as I seem to have dubbed them) today, not Jason, not Pitch, and especially not Michael. That last just has an ache to it, but I gotta just let it go. Maybe that good cry out will come soon and help clear my brain of some negative chemicals.
I've been on an incredible eating spree, not caring, just wanting to shove it all in and enjoy it as much as possible before accountability returns. In fact, I am about to go get more ice cream. Tonight thankfully is the last night of the antibiotic pills. I can't wait to get off them, they have been dizzying for sure.
Bed in a few. Here's to a better (and exciting) week.
|
Terabyte
New Member
| Joined: | 18 November 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 886 |
|
Posted: 29 June 2009 02:29 pm |
|
| for some reason, i feel like the morrocan guy is annoying. is he?
|
Beth
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 29 June 2009 02:55 pm |
|
MM, if I want a bout of depression, I can't think of a better way to find it than to omit my Wellbutrin and to eat a bunch of sugar. I'm as self-destructive as anyone. I don't know why we do it to ourselves.
Re the Europe thing. It just sounds so wonderful to me. Do you have to be running away to change what you're doing to do something more enjoyable? Seems now would be the time. You are single, you'd have a good job, the co. might pay for the move, and if you didn't like it, couldn't you come back? It's your life, but I'd be hopping all over myself trying to make it happen.
I'm 55 and I don't feel like I've ever been anywhere and will never get anywhere. I'm apparently washed up in the job market because of age discrimination, the economy and I've laid too low too long to have any real business contacts. It's my own fault. I'm stuck in MS because of family and other asinine responsibilities. It's my own fault. I spend too much time thinking about the what ifs.... Is that how you want to end up? Just passing along my knack for throwing opportunities away. Most of what I've thrown away was because I was chasing a man, looking for a man, living with a man, etc. I figure I owe most of my mistakes to hormones. It never occurred to me that I could move them (hormones) to a more interesting locale and that the oportunities might not always be there. I guess I thought I'd be young forever and could always just grab what I wanted. NOT!
Well, it's off the soap box and on with the day.
This website has been screwed up for at least a week. The daily plate is jumping days and is very, very slow. I don't know w hat is going on. Seems like this site was ok until today. I'm seeing these strange lines on my posts.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 30 June 2009 04:06 am |
|
Ahem.
Challenge weigh-in 129.
OK now for the good news(s).
It may not be perfect, but I came up with a solution for todays' conf call which was 'a good start' and supported as initially written by the team after debating pros cons and alternatives.
I then cruised into court where in a true act of justice, the judge called everyone's name, got us all standing then called me first, said 'charges dismissed, leave by the front door'. Umm it went so fast my head spun. Apprently there are more important cases to hear than my little trumped up moving violation ticket. Yay.
And here is the big one.
I Have An Answer.
In spite of those good things the depression and isolation was following me around, as my text remained silent and I know Michael's not even thinking about me any more...and then of course tomorrow is the day I should be hearing about a bone fide job opportunity overseas and my head felt so unclear. I've lost control over my eating and my desire to feel sexy. I haven't done toning in a week. I am still walking around with glasses on. I needed to go for a run. Then in a burst of inspiration, on what was a pretty darn nice day...I checked office email one more time, then grabbed all my work stuff, the Book of Mol, and headed for the lakefront with my running gear on. One way or another I had to do something, I had to make progress, I couldn't just sit in my den, I needed to have some experience, something, some movement...
I went to Mol's hill, that special place on the lakefront where I can sit up on a slope and see water, beach, boats, shoreline, famlies, people doing all sorts of activities, mexican food vendors with their little carts, grass, trees, rocks, waves....I grabbed a blanket out of the back of the car, put the IPod back on Jevetta Steele's "Calling You" [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nk7mCmgzpPE] ..and finally the tears just came in buckets. Finally. I needed that.
I must have listened to it 1/2 dozen times while I opened the Book of Mol and started writing. It was some amazingly good stuff today. About why music is so pivotal to me and my purest form of expression because it is not tainted with filters, of pleasing people or acceptance seeking, or any of those terrible self-effacing thought processes I have which are so ingrained I barely can see them. About how I saw with my 'mind's eye' that day when I was with Dr. B with my palms screwed into my eyeballs for 45 minutes, when the deep truths came welling out; how unusual, how rare it is for me to channel thoughts and emotions from the depth in their pure forms. That is the 'me' I want to be in touch with, because if I don't really know me, than no one does or ever will....I will blow away like dust in the universe and my eulogy will be some irrelevant innocuous drivel...
If you have ever seen the movie Baghdad Cafe, you will realize the significance of the song and of this movie to me right now. If not - I suggest you rent it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bagdad_Caf%C3%A9 This vacationing German couple is touring in the dusty deserty middle of nowhere - the guy is emotionally abusive and the wife finally has had enough, she gets out of the car with nothing except a suitcase and a thermos of coffee...and starts a new life in a foreign country knowing no one, not even the language. Its not easy and she has to work hard to overcome prejudices, make friends, fit in, it is painful, but eventually she becomes a positive influence in establishing a happier little community among the folks where she has landed, achieves love, fulfillment, friends, happiness...all because she got to the point where she was so unhappy, she took a gamble that ANY potential path forward was better than the life she was living. And that is me. That is the divorce. And that is why - deep breath - I came out of that introspective session with an answer. Yes. Yes to moving and working overseas.
Moving overseas isn't the final destination. It is simply the final act which will catapault me forward, away from the past and things weighing me down, and forward into a new time, where I will be free to explore, and to be me, without all the preconceieved expectations, ideas, etc which exist today. Three years is a long time and I might prefer something shorter, for starters, but YES I will go if it is a job I am interested in. It just may be the gift opportunity of a lifetime. And to think that I cannot come back if I am really unhappy - is wrong thinking; I am not a slave, I may have to pay my own way back but I can do it. I will not be a prisoner. On the contrary, I will be free, free, free, free, free, from a lot of the past, mistakes, negative stuff - and the people who really matter, will still be there for me.
Oh there's a lot more but hopefully this is an interesting synopsis.
I did update my status on the networking site a couple of times ending with a "The Answer Is Yes" and throwing out a general invitation for anyone willing to meet up for a beer. I didn't hear from anyone (not really a surprise because I could only think of a couple of people who might have been in the area) so I went to my (and L's) favorite mexican place, sat in the corner of the patio outside, and had a glass of Sangria and some fabulous shrimp for dinner.
When I finally arrived home, I saw that Pitch had commented on my post about he and his friend would have come, but they have hockey tonight. It was good to hear from him in any event.
I still cannot log into CPH from my home computer. I tried futzing with it again tonight and cannot figure it out. Frustrating, but will have to try again soon. Wish me luck in my meeting tomorrow, cannot wait to find out what my boss has in mind.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 30 June 2009 06:06 am |
|
I was about to report not heinous totals for the day but ended up getting into the food again while I was busy staying up too late taking Wellbutrin and arguing with my internet provider about the CPH weirdness.
Rice cakes+PB&J (270); Scoops (100), Brownberry Bread/Cheese sandwich (240), ice cream w/syrup (300) = 910. I did toning earlier plus 3 mile workout along the lake and am at 2550 or so net. Good grief. Beth, the 1/2 of me that wants to be good has left the building. HELP!!
|
Beth
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 30 June 2009 03:07 pm |
|
MM, Good!!!! It sounds your head is twisting around to the front so you can look forward and move forward. Congratulations!!!!!
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 30 June 2009 04:14 pm |
|
Beth wrote: MM, Good!!!! It sounds your head is twisting around to the front so you can look forward and move forward. Congratulations!!!!!
LOL. I love that, and love you for saying that Beth.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 30 June 2009 11:56 pm |
|
My lunch meeting with my boss didn't occur and he has now scheduled me for a late day meeting tomorrow. Which usually is a sign of not good news. In any event, a bit more time to prepare for it.
Meantime, I am back online with my internet service provider trying to figure out why I cannot get to CPH on my home machine. He cannot get to it either, so , feeling fat and motivating for a workout after this (toning and at least 2 miles my leg muscles are still weak), and then having a salad for dinner. I had 10 (at least) mini Reese's peanut butter cups. My tummy is absolutely blubbery right now, I look and feel like crud. And no wonder. 5 pounds- FIVE POUNDS - I have put on. Pffffffft. Time to get back in charge.
Heard from Michael, his unemployment appeal was granted. At least he bothered calling me to leave a message before I read about it on the internet. But, nothing about seeing me.
Tough time with Dr. B today, I am not really comfortable talking about it until I get my home computer up and running. Bogus, these problems with the site.
And I am freaking tired of being dizzy! I thought it was the antibiotics but now suspecting it has something to do with the vitamins I started taking per doctors instructions. I read somewhere today that some brands may not be all natural, have additives and food colors and therefore some people can be sensitive to them.
And I just finished with my ISP who wasn't able to help me and time is a wasting. This is really distressing because I HATE not being able to use my home computer.
Last edited on 1 July 2009 12:32 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 1 July 2009 03:04 am |
|
I've done my toning and had an approximate 3 mile workout, not great, couldn't really get going. Took a different route so I could get some Pepcid for CDog and then swing by SBucks but I decided against going in and getting a decaf because I might be tempted to purchase something to eat and also I wanted to try to run a bit more, not walk the rest of the way.
I am trying to skip dinner altogether. I have found that when I tend to eat this late I have an extremely difficult time limiting myself to something small, and a binge ensues. Anyway my tummy feels flatter now and I like that feeling, I am goind to savor it.
Its 9PM and I am still wrestling with the internet issue. My ISP has given up. I am nearly at my wits' end myself. Kindof makes me wonder...if this happened to other people and they didn't have access to another computer - they would think CPH was gone forever. Just thinking about friends who have been recently absent, hate to think they are in Land of the Lost, over the waterfall, with no way to get back...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 1 July 2009 04:09 am |
|
I started getting a stronger urge to eat and then I remembered my Sleepytime Tea which can be an effective snackbuster since it is flavorful with no calories. Mmmmmm just the ticket and the warmth in my tummy is pleasing.
I am in RMM now, having been on the networking site for the past 30 minutes while waiting for an IE update to dowload and install. Michael was on the networking site at the same time, I suppose it is possible he didn't see me on chat but I did see a flirtatious public exchange between him and another gal, then he wandered off and played a game. Well, if I'd have kept emotions out of this in the first place, I wouldn't be feeling jealous and shoved to the curb like I am at this moment.
Anyway, I am PROUD that I am doing good RMM. I haven't flown off the handle and done any texting or eating or anything. Yep, all the warning signs - buzzy face, light head, tunnel vision but not too bad and I am going to be stronger for getting this one successfully under my belt. Back to the basics...managing emotions 101...experience them, observe them, then let them pass. Breathe deep...exhale....deep...exhale...and think about positive people, places, events, and the possibilities ahead which will open up as I move on....
|
50lbs2lose
New Member
| Joined: | 24 July 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 383 |
|
Posted: 1 July 2009 10:01 am |
|
| I know what you mean Moll. I had my momentS of anxiety yeasterday and I'm seeing if I could just sit back with my mouth shut and just let things play out I would be so much better for it. And hear I am 45 with 7 children! I guess we are always learning!
|
John Deere Doug
Senior Member
|
Posted: 1 July 2009 12:54 pm |
|
mollymoo24 wrote: Just thinking about friends who have been recently absent, hate to think they are in Land of the Lost, over the waterfall, with no way to get back...
Im still here Mol.
|
John Deere Doug
Senior Member
|
Posted: 1 July 2009 12:54 pm |
|
mollymoo24 wrote: Just thinking about friends who have been recently absent, hate to think they are in Land of the Lost, over the waterfall, with no way to get back...
Im still here Mol.
|
suenos
Moderator
|
Posted: 1 July 2009 01:14 pm |
|
Hey Molly,
Just had the urge (????) to drop by and offer ya a virtual hug and tell ya that I was thinking about ya during my run this morning and it hit me how tough this entire last year has been on you mentally, emotinally and physically - and I totally admire your strength in just keepin on....it just sorta struck me that you're pulling your little red wagon all by yourself - never a time when you've been able to really depend on anyone else to say 'wow, you must be really tired/stressed/worried, you rest and I'll pull the weight for a while".... you really are a tremendous woman deserving of the absolute best!
|
50lbs2lose
New Member
| Joined: | 24 July 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 383 |
|
Posted: 1 July 2009 01:36 pm |
|
| What suenos said times 2
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 1 July 2009 03:08 pm |
|
Awww Cindy, Doug and Suenos, thanks for thinking of me and dropping in. It is so nice to hear from you and I really appreciate the support. XOXOXOX
Yesterdays totals: 921IN/621Net. 3M 2J/1W didn't time it. I stayed in control last night and didn't snack or binge, got a decent nights' sleep, my tummy feels better now and my nekkid weight this morning was 125.5 so I at least feel like I am back in the right direction. Did fairly well with the RMM last night...it was nice waking up and not feeling bloated and yucky from the night before, and my quality of sleep I think was better, I slept through solidly.
Today RMM is continuing for sure, focusing on maintaining control. Had a pretty normal brekkie, subbed in less bread and 1/2 a banana which was calling my name. I have to get off and stay off this high and get focused on preparations for this afternoon's meeting. I am turning off my office phone and my mobile phone, and disconnecting from the internet so no possible surprises can throw me off kilter.
Hopefully when I next post, I will have something exciting to talk about.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 2 July 2009 02:18 am |
|
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I am being offered a chance to go work in Europe for 2 years based out of our UK office. It would involve significant travel within Europe - Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Netherlands regularly. This would be started by the end of this year. It likely would not be a promotion but would be advantageous financially since they give you a housing allowance and a company car. I would hope for some form of salary increase if I can swing it.
I could also push to do the work but structure it differently under my current job; I have concerns that adding to my current responsibilities without taking some things away will be simply too much.
I am at a defining fork in the road of my life. I am 40 years old. I am single. I have a small house which can probably be rented easily and not a real huge amount of posessions to put into storage. I've always had an affinity for the UK and I know people who have lived there previously, and will put me in touch with new acqaintances. It is probably the defining moment of my lifetime. I am nervous as all heck but it is starting to seem real...and when I force myself to look ahead to what 'could' be, compared to 'what is', it seems like a pretty good gamble to take.
More later...I gotta go to Starbucks and just think for a while.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 2 July 2009 09:00 am |
|
OK spent nearly 2 hours working @ Starbucks and then I don't know where all the time has gone.
I am still up - nearly 3AM and I have to be back up in 3 hours. I had some important things to do, like figure out how far the office would be from London and whether I might be able to live in London proper (seems unlikely). And of course I had to look up the Starbucks locator. Because, while one cannot let a coffee brand rule their life, it would be so comforting wouldn't it to have one nearby...dreamy...
Yesterday's totals: 1895IN No workout. I had a ham/cheese baguette @ Sbucks and didn't realize I was quite so over, so I added a packet of fruit/nuts which was healthy but still 400 more calories. Eh, who cares.
What is more important is that here @ 3AM when I finally started crashing off, I once again slipped and went binging - 499, which I am going to just count toward today. I was tentatively going to get together with Chris tonight but now with lack of sleep that seems unlikely. I got a hold of Pitch earlier when I was completely wigging with excitement and turns out he has a job change cooking for himself as well, so we are hoping to meet up this weekend over a glass/bottle of wine and talk. I also spoke with Michael today and he is in a better mood and talking about getting out once he gets some money in the bank, but I am not sure where I fit in those plans; he knows I want to see him and he knows I can see him this weekend and what he chooses to do from here on out...well...I guess from this point if he doesn't do anything he has to go by the way of Jason, whom I also haven't heard from since Friday and am refusing to initiate anything further. I guess none of it really matters any more anyway, if I am leaving, except for Pitch. He's the only one I know will keep in touch with me and will care regardless of where in the world I land. He's truly a spectacular guy.
OK bedtime!! Tomorrow is another big day.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 2 July 2009 02:27 pm |
|
Yep that was 'fast sleep'. Back at the office, I already had egg, bacon(2) and instead of dry wheat toast I had a scone so that would probably put me about 200-300 calories left for the whole day. If the scone puts me on a carb roller coaster, which it probably will, I am in trouble calorie wise. However, I just need to stay focused again today.
This helped yesterday so:
Turn off phone & cell phone. Log off and stay off email and the internet. Stay focused, keep interruptions to a minimum, and be productive like crazy!!
|
OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 2 July 2009 03:45 pm |
|
Wow! Congratulations Mol! Europe would be so amazing!
I can relate about the carb roller coaster. Once it starts it sure is hard to stop! Keep up the good work though, it sounds like your very focused and you definently know what you want.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 3 July 2009 04:02 pm |
|
Brilliant
Yesterday (Thursday) was a tough day. Not only was I working on 2 hours of sleep, but I had a few meetings in the AM where I needed to be 'on my game', one of them was a surprise; Tormentor scheduled it and intentionally left me out of the loop and I crashed it anyway; ended up making 2 important points which I'd brought up last week only to be ignored; the VP (Tormentor's boss) seized on them and ordered that we do some further analysis that I'd recommended all along.
It turns out I may have caused myself some unexpected trouble.
Apparently my boss had a meeting midafternoon with said VP about planning ahead, organizational change, and the VP told my boss that they cannot let me leave for Europe in 6 months because no one is ready to replace me. And they don't want to hire from the outside to have to replace me either, because it would be too expensive. All of which I agree with, but the compromise the two of them discussed was to try to streamline my work here in the US down to 60% and spend 40% in Europe. Which means, I stay here, do two jobs, and take 10-14 days trips overseas, overseeing an analyst in the UK. Now, while this surely could be a promotion I am not sure I have it in me to go back to 80 hour+ workweeks, taking conference calls at all hours to accommodate schedules on 2 continents. Even if I DO have it in me, it is not what I want. I have a personal life now, and I am not giving it up.
I also don't trust the VP completely - he may very well have other plans down the road for himself or other team members and has a history of orchestrating things to get his favorite people ahead and exactly where he wants them. If I asked him to tell me straight to my face that there was no ulterior motive, I could read his body language and know for sure.
So when my boss delivered this perspective he called "new information" to me at 4PM, I was pretty upset. Talk about the wind getting knocked out of you. And then when asked for my reaction, I just said "The scenario you are describing, is not appealing to me." I was upset, yes, but in an ephiphany I realized that I hold a tremendous bargaining chip right now - ME. And then we both agreed that there is no one ready to replace me and that problem needs to be solved, that will be another 18 months to 2 years before someone else is ready to run my team and this European assignment needs to get going much sooner than that. Over 2.5 hours we brainstormed some possible solutions and compromises and may have reached one which will work.
So now, this holiday weekend, which I need to relax and blow off steam and try to connect with people, and catch up on 'things' I am going to be spending working on solutions, org charts, presentation materials, and strategizing how to obtain an outcome which would make me and others happy. And defining just what would make me happy - happy enough to stay; happy enough to move to Europe. My demands are not large at all, and the priority is quality of life versus money, prestige, power, or title. But as I told Steve, its like Wednesday I jmentally jumped off the cliff and parachuted away from my miserable job to an exciting new opportunity; why would I want to stay in a position where I feel unwanted and unappreciated and downright hated; I am worn out all that and I have so much to offer and am excited about being part of a new team where I know I can really contribute. I just don't want to work 80+ hours per week. Let's see if I can figure this out. I am at a point where I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, by making a change, and leaving the company is definitely an option - economy or no - because I am, after all, brilliant.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 3 July 2009 04:50 pm |
|
Just to cover this in a separate post, I also ate whatever I wanted yesterday. Steve was in the office with another client and had lunch with me so he could get current and offer some advice. I had more than planned for lunch (500); mini bagel dogs, ketchup, hummus and baked scoops for dinner (650?) and believe it or not, got dressed up and went out with Chris to #3 for a couple of hours diet cokes and a Guinness bottle (150?). Then I came home and snacked on a ham/cheese tortilla, pico and scoops (400). So that is 1700 on top of what I'd already had so probably 1400 or so more calories than I wanted. Well, I want to do toning and a nice run (if my ankle agrees) or otherwise a nice bike ride today, and really really would like to get in a Super Sunday this weekend. 10 miles ROCKS!
I really want to get my home computer access to cph fixed. This is a problem. I think my spyware blocker or firewall is objecting to some of the ad sites which demand media has added. I don't know. I've invested possibly 6 hours already trying to get it fixed. I am not having problems with any other sites. Anyways I took some pics last night of my new boots on and I thought they looked pretty good for a 40 year old hag. 
I am hoping to catch up with everyone's journals soon, this community has been such an important part of my life for a year and a half now, I seem to go spiralling into a dark place from time to time, and then come up for air and catch up with everyone. But the journalling is teaching me a lot about me and my tendencies, and it is really cool to have been pretty open here, to say things that I could never express openly or adequately i/r/l, and have had so much input, advice, support, and friendship.
My voice is in my head and on paper, and doesn't come out through my mouth. Does that make sense? It is unfortunate in a way, because it makes it difficult for people, even my friends, to know me well i/r/l. I haven't figure it out quite, I think its a social anxiety thing, or perhaps its just growing up in a family where you just didn't talk about things. Maybe that's it. Or both.
My mom never talked about her childhood (or about anything, for that matter). Tough as nails, never let on about disppointment or difficulty. Regarding her childhood, I got bits and scraps only twice from her and bits from other people, even a bit recently from my Dad. Her own father committed suicide, she and her older brother were in foster care, which she called the time in her childhood when she was happy; her mother remarried, 2 more kids, abuse, poverty, messed up etc. She married to get out of the house, had my brother, got divorced within a year, then eventually married my Dad. She never talked about ANY of that stuff. Her older brother, my uncle, went to prison and we kids/cousins never learned why until we were adults, it was just not talked about. She never admitted to being out of love with my dad or wanting to leave though it was painfully obvious to everyone that the marriage was dead. My mom's way of dealing with the birds and the bees was to hand me a book and to read it and come talk to her if I had any questions. My dad never talked about things either, he just worked, and did his own stuff, and was around but not personable. My brother didn't tell anyone about being gay until he told me when he was like 26. Two more years before mom was told and then another 2 years before dad was told. The topic was implicitly forbidden and my dad refused to come to my brother's formal commitment ceremony to his partner, just a few months before my mom died. No one ever talked about their feelings, or what they really thought, EVER.
I was an avid reader all through childhood. Hours and hours everyday It makes sense that the written word has become my outlet. That is something. That is progress. If I can just learn how to talk i/r/l, to break down the barriers, it will open up all kinds of new opportunities for fun and friendships with people, I am sure.
I just was thinking again about parachuting in to a foreign, english-speaking country for 2 years. I mean, how cool is THAT? I look around at my house, my 'things', my yard...yes I would miss 'the familiar' but how quickly we adapt and other people and places become 'familiar' too...my whole life and friends and familiar places have completely changed in less than 12 months, more like 8 months...and it gives me all the confidence in the world that moving overseas would be a tremendous experience for growth and happiness, and just living this life. I've developed a saying lately, Don't let "life" get in the way of "LIFE!". Amen.
And on a final note, out of Monday's journaling session on the hill overlooking Lake Michigan - Santogold - "I would say I hope it will be worth what I give up". I believe that it will. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jn4qoX2iWI
"Change, change, change,
I want to get up out of my skin
tell you what
if I can shake it
I'm 'a make this
something worth dreaming of"
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 4 July 2009 08:03 am |
|
A short recap and then I must head to bed.
Wasn't very productive this morning. Eventually started functioning around 11 and saw Walker who came for CDog and he actually is interested in taking CDog if I move. Then my trumpet arrived ; I made some remarks on the networking site which Pitch responded to and then he invited me over for grill and chill this evening. I walked over to the music store to purchase a cleaning kit, and then jogged over to the bike store to pick up the gloves they special ordered, then jogged up to the dollar store to get a couple of things. Came home, got the trumpet cleaned up, rammed in the mute and with anticipation, started playing. I thought I would be dreadful but was pleasantly surprised. I phoned Andrew who was my trumpet buddy in h.s. and he was excited as all get out and wants to get together and play soon. After that, quick shower/dress/makeup and off to Pitch's. Another fantastic evening, red wine, grilled veggies, steaks and butterflied shrimp on the barbie, tons of companionship and...that's it. Sigh. We did have a slight friendly argument on which one of us is the most off kilter though, that was kindof funny. Zen would have appreciated it.
Well I fell asleep a bit after 10 without posting the above, reflecting how tired I really was. I see Chris texted me around 10:30 to status check and I just got back to him 3.5 hours later. I will head back to bed for part 2 of "sleep" but not before documenting that I ate probably another 1300 calories after I got home and gotta stop eating so much. OK...sleep now.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 4 July 2009 10:01 pm |
|
Liberty
11 hours of sleep last night and I woke up feeling really good. I went for a 15 mile bike ride (1:06:04) and then a 2.5 mile run (29:38) immediately thereafter. My friend S says the triathletes call this a 'brick' because your legs feel like that when you make an immediate transition from bike to run. It wasn't bad, I actually rather liked it because running is easier when your heart rate is already going. Plus, I am sure that it wasn't as difficult as it might be; since I bike in the city I get red lights and the like I am not able to really put in a hardcore biking workout.
I ate a nice rewarding midafternoon 'dinner' of pasta with grilled turkey italian sausage and chicken. My legs are feeling the burn a bit but in a good way. It is an awesome feeling.
As I was riding back up from Diversey harbor, and past the Belmont area I was struck with the double meaning today of the word "Liberty". Liberty as in the 4th of July, the Declaration of Independence, and the sacrifices people made 200+ years ago so that our country became free. Then I transitioned to thinking about my own liberty now, how I can bike and run and have health and strength and motion which was absent for nearly 15 years. How I am no longer encumbered by a marriage and a husband which were holding me back. How I can do what I want, go where I want, and when I want, and am accountable to only myself. I am truly fortunate, because so many people will live the rest of their lives not knowing this kind of freedom, this opportunity to really live life to its fullest.
I've shaken the doom and gloom, and yesterday realized that I am pretty darn close to being 'happy' with my life right now. And I felt it again today, too. They say that time heals and that is true, I feel like I've reached a turning point where I am looking ahead more than looking behind, where I am more confident and more in control, and better able to appreciate the very good people and things in my life. I have to acknowlege the fact that this balance comes at a time where I've been away from the clubs and drinking for the most part, away from the guy craziness, and focused on my future. It is the chicken and egg again, but certainly there is a correlation.
If the rain doesn't stop it will be a slight damper on the evening, I was planning to have a firepit in the yard with a movie and a bit of red wine. However, I can still enjoy movie/wine inside or perhaps I will mosey on over to the little pub/cafe down the street for a bit. Everyone has their own plans going on for the 4th but I am spending it on my own. I am not bothered really by being absent from the annual 4th of July picnic, which includes about 15 from the old 'club circle' but is hosted by L's best friend. I guess I've been prepared mentally for it for a while. I think hanging out with Pitch last night really helped me to keep from feeling lonely.
Later I should count cals and exercise and try to get back in that habit after a couple of 'whatever' eating days. 127.5 is today's weight although I will check later as per usual before posting my final Challenge weigh in.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 5 July 2009 09:00 pm |
|
Get Straight. Go Forward. Move Ahead...It's Not to Late, To Whip It. Whip it Good.
So, I woke up at 1:15 in the afternoon today and if this isn't the sign that I needed to get straight, then I am hopeless.
Yesterday I spent about 4 hours in Starbucks mapping out org charts etc to try to make a case to support me going on this assignment. I wasn't nearly done, but I was ready for a break so I headed home, stopping at Jewel to pick up some more of the fab pinot noir which Pitch and I had on Friday evening. Chris had texted me while @ Starbucks and I decided to go ahead and tell him to come over for a bit around 9ish. "I'll be there in 7" he replied and he was, with barely enough time to start picking the place up. Anyway he consumed most of a bottle of white, and I, most of a bottle of red. When he first came over I had no intention of going out. I was tired, in a good way, full of exercise, fresh air, and hard work and prospects for the future. 3 hours later full of wine and listening to tunes on his IPod, I got wired up and decided to go out to #2 with Chris.
So...I was going pretty well when I got there and it just got worse. To make a long story short, Michael was there, having decided last minute to come out with a couple of friends. One should never try to discuss or diagnose complicated interpersonal matters after drinking and in a loud crowded nightclub setting, and especially without planning what one has to say on the subject. I was totally stupid. Actually, I give Michael credit for not just turning his back on me and walking away.
Now, I am not all that upset about making an idiot of myself with Michael. Because of course, I wasn't getting much if anything out of that relationship any more (even though he insists he has just not been talking to anyone since he lost his job). But what I am upset about is that I was totally not in control of my actions; that I stayed out until close and consequently didn't get home until 5AM; I've lost most of this gorgeous day; my balance state is wrecked and I am dizzy, not in condition to go running or work on my proposal or even talk to anyone. I sabotaged myself.
I started out just wanting a little company and a glass of wine and it turned into 8 hours not counting the physical, mental, and emotional aftermath to deal with.
So yeah, Mol, get your freaking head out of denial, and take a good hard look at yourself today, what you did, and how you got here. Don't forget this. Learn Mol learn.
Other tidbits for the journal, it turns out Chris' dad has worked with the next door neighbor for almost 20 years, they know each other. I did do a lot of dancing last night and that was fun. Good dj back in rotation and playing all stuff that I like. That bodes well for Saturday nights, although next Sat is an event night which is going to be super crowded.
I am having my Starbucks right now in the back yard under the shade of the pine trees while typing this. The sun is shining brightly, the greens are really green, the blue sky is really blue, punctuated by white puffy clouds, the birds are chirping - loudly - and the neighbors are splashing around in their pool. It is a crying shame that I am not absolutely enjoying every brilliant vibrant second of this day to the fullest. I cannot believe it is already 3PM. I'd better get my game plan together for the rest of this day and make a heroic comeback.
|
OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 5 July 2009 10:02 pm |
|
| No worries mol, I have complete faith in you. An occasional slip up is human. I know you beat yourself up over it because that's not how you want to be, but that's why you ARE in control, because you realize the slip up, make adjustments and grow from mistakes.
|
Current time is 08:11 am | Page:   1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ...   |
|
|
|
