| Author | Post |
|---|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 13 June 2009 04:16 am |
|
Oh Well, Not Brilliant But I Did "OK"
I had a "checklist' post of things I did and didn't do well today but lost connection.
I am really really glad I used the calorie calculator - I am at 1251IN for the day, 643Net. The Net is the product of 5.3 4.3J. 1.0W 1:07 which I really had to slug out because my calves and ankles were locking up again. I still have gummy lungs too. Hopefully soon this will all be over.
It was a perfectly gorgeous day here. I had the brilliant idea to change my running route to go by the bike shop and stop in and see if they could fix or replace my bike computer. Turns out they knew exactly what to do with it and 60 seconds later, free of charge, I was on my way again, and a "to-do" out of the way.  I cooled off after I got home and then did my toning, altogether about 1:40:00 of exercise today.
I did get to see my friend from Denver and it was a bit of a let down. I am hoping it was due to her being quite tired, flight delays yesterday, baking in the sun @ the game today, and having a local wedding reception tomorrow after having been married in Vegas about 6 weeks ago. Lots of planning etc., I hope her normal self is a bit more engaging cause I was ready to part ways after about 90 minutes. I did have a fun time brushing up on my social skills with 2 guys at the bar for about 30 minutes.
I had dinner @ Goose Island, since I made my hard boiled eggs for lunch and never had time to eat them. Salad when I got home. I thought I went over on cals but right where I want to be.
I absolutely passed out with exhaustion when I got home...and, unusually for me, had a 2 hour nap. I really could stay home tonight and just read and/or write quietly, which means I really should, but since tomorrow night is already spoken for, I do want to get in a little club time.
I forgot about no texting/no networking while I was out @ Goose Island, and was getting ready to send a photo to Pitch, when I heard from him, and we went back and forth a few. I also checked the networking site a few times and posted a couple of things. Ah, old habits. Nonetheless, I regrouped and have ignored the networking site and the text received a while ago from Delicious-To-Look-At-26-Year-Old Chris. I am sure I will see him later.
Since I put on a few pounds, this dress is tight and doesn't look as good as it should. However I am pleased to say, I really think all this running and toning has made my legs look decent and I am not afraid to wear shorter skirts. And yeah - I am not a 40 year old in fantasyland, because I asked Chris his honest opinion recently. He's not afraid to tell me when he disapproves of anything I do, or what he likes and dislikes, I like that. Dont' always agree with him, but I like that.
And sooooo....I am still tired but the nap was good and I am altogether pretty calm and not my usual pre-club agitated self. Don't even feel like drinking. This is a Good Thing. It's all related to my Rocketships I am sure. I hope I have good clean fun, a little dancing, and get home at a decent hour.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 13 June 2009 07:23 pm |
|
Skinny Rabbits, Sparse Crowds, Writers and Omelets
All right. This post started out as some kind of confessional and I just deleted that. Because while I woke up in the shame of breaking my vows, I'm in the mood to poke some fun at myself and have an enjoyable time composing my very apres club post.
So, let's begin, shall we? 
Arrived @ #1 around 11. I haven't been there in weeks. Friendly hello with X @ the door, and he promptly alluded to my presence there being disruptive. He clarified that he has no beef with me, we are on good terms, but that 'other folks' do. I am not sure who is collectively captured in 'other folks', obviously D of course...
There wasn't a large crowd, DJ M was spinning and we chatted a bit, I also met the promoter of the event nite (best described as Anthony Michael Hall on ecstasy) and at a later point we walked through the vinyl he was toting with him - very overlapping tastes we have. He's only 24, another guy 'born in the wrong musical generation' - music is the common thread with these youngish guys I meet in the scene, they like the stuff I was listening to during my high school and college years, very cool in a way, and I think they enjoy talking with people like me, who actually lived that time it was happening musically. This promoter has got some neat ideas and has a Clockwork Orange theme party coming up and is baking some ideas for a Terri Gilliam night and an acid/house party. Word.
I spoke with L for a bit, shouted hellos w/E, DK, B, and H but didn't try to converse with any of them as they were crowded at one end of the bar and D was in the pack. DK came over later and said hello. I met a strikingly cool new bartender subbing in for this event as the regular guy is apparently in the hospital. I didn't recognize said bartender, but he says he worked @ #2 for 7 years and also he's 'seen me around' #2 lately when he was hanging out, that I was newer there, did I recently move into town? I gave him the short scoop and it turned out to be a mistake, a conversation killer. Ah well. Lesson learned.
Man, I have got to speed this up. OK. LOL.
Cover included a free absinthe drink which I tried, it was OK, I had a second while hanging out waiting for Chris. 30 minutes after he arrived he got a message that Carlton was downstairs and didn't want to pay cover for the event nite, they were going to #3 instead and then over to #2. So, not having anyone else to hang with, nor my own ride to #2, I went along and this is where 'the plan' went off the tracks.
#3 was really really empty, the thinnest I've ever seen it, we had a drink in the upstairs bar where asian porn was playing on the big screen. It was pretty dull but thankfully in about a hour C&C were also ready to migrate to #2. Yay, Mol dancing time! There was good music on and I hit the dance floor straight away. K was there and I paused long enough to enjoy our usual big hugs hello...then back to dancing...and then I looked up over to the railing over the dance floor where I usually hang, and knew the night was going to get more interesting.
I've really got to speed this up.
See. OK. There is this loner type, Jason, who I've seen/talked with just twice before. After meeting him again last night I am convinced he lives in his own world, his own self-spun filter on reality. (Does this sound like anyone we know?) He's a writer, actually a computer guy by trade but he comes out to #2 with his notepad and writes. Which is something I would do and have an appreciation for, that creative flow you get when you write in a different setting. We met in Jan and Feb, so I haven't seen him there in 4 months.
We had a lovely time last time we met, probably about 2 hours talking and there was definitely chemistry going on, so I gave him my # that night but he never called. Last night when I looked up from the dance floor, he was watching me dancing. Then he watched me getting a drink, then he watched me come over to the railing down a ways from him, and every time I'd look his way he'd be looking elsewhere, avoiding eye contact. So, see, I am not the kind to just sit around and stupidly play that game so I went up to him and did the 'Hi, how have you been?" and got him warmed up. He says he hasn't been there since the last time I saw him, that he rarely goes out or goes there.
I am having great difficulty speeding this up. LOL.
So I finally got around to mentioning that he never called me and he said that he's a 'chicken' and that it has been a really long time since he's been with anyone or felt that he wanted to. And then he said that he wanted to pay me a compliment but that he didn't want to risk offending me. I said "I can't think of anything that he could say that would offend me, so 'fire away'. "I think you're a beautiful girl and really I want to kiss you right now". Oooooh that was good. And so nicely delivered. And I wanted to kiss him too but oh Lord not in the #2 fishbowl, not having been there just last week with Michael, not with Chris, Carlton and Ian just down the way, or DK who had migrated over, or the numerous other staff and regulars who know me well enough to have their noses in my business. And I certainly wasn't going to leave there with him, the guy who never called me.
So we spent about another hour just talking together, and I made him write my phone # down in his little notebook. He had planned to go home @ 2:30, but when that point came he changed his mind and stayed and bought us both a drink, and after that when he was ready to go home I walked - not with him, but rather at the same time as him, you see - outside till we got a bit down the block and had some privacy, and then I finally let him kiss me.  He's suprisingly quite good, I wasn't expecting that. After saying goodbye I went back inside and resumed my evening, and then a short while later, he came back in, to see if I'd come with him, but I just told him to 'call me this time' and sent him on his way. He won't, he knows it and I know it, and I know that's why he came back in one last time. I am as certain of it as I am sitting here typing this. It's too far out of his comfort zone to actually do something like call me up and go out for dinner or a cup of coffee or something. So who knows when our paths will cross again, or if I'll be inclined to care.
So, concluding this not very short post:
Chris, Carlton, Ian and I went out for breakfast @ 4 and a had a lovely ham and cheese omelet with potatoes and dry toast. I was starving, didn't leave a crumb on my plate. I cannot remember the last time I went out for breakfast with my mates after clubbing all night. Fun. Carlton drove us all home, which was a haul out of his way, I should have insisted on taking a cab - yet we had such a lovely drive up Lake Shore Drive with the sun starting to come up over the lake, we were struck by the beauty of the moment, all of us, it was really nice. If we weren't all so tired, I am sure we would have pulled off and just sat and enjoyed it.
The end.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 13 June 2009 08:53 pm |
|
Just tallied up my totals including drinks, omelet, and today's lunch - 1495IN / 1417 Net. My legs don't seem up for a run. I am going to go do my toning and then see where I am at. The day is also evaporating rapidly and I need to be turning my thoughts to getting stuff done and going to that party, which starts @ 3, will probably run until 10 or so. I think I will plan to not spend more than 2 hours, 3 max, and am not really planning to eat or drink much, cause of where I already am for the day. A maintenance day would be fine but I don't want to be going overboard, considering I am in a gaining mode, and need to right the ship. I also gotta get on with my to-do's. So a new plan:
1. Toning - Done
2. Walk/run, just 2 miles if legs will permit - Done, apx 2.5M 2.15J/0.35W or so, 29:00
3. Shower & dress - Done
4. Put away rest of laundry, clean bathroom, pick up den. - running behind...
5. NO TEXTING. NO NETWORKING. NO CHAT. for the rest of this evening. Perhaps I will even turn off my phone and the internet. OK so far
6. Spend any spare time working on either (1) iceland or (2) story concept. Dont' have any
7. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES will I go clubbing after tonights party...because tomorrow I have to focus catching up for my job, and bringing value to some important meetings Monday and Tuesday. I will get a good nights' sleep. Mmmmmm that would do a body wonders.
***Update: Totals after exercise: 1520IN/1217Net. I Heart Exercise.****
Last edited on 14 June 2009 12:05 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 14 June 2009 06:03 pm |
|
Treats
I really let myself go at the party last night - not so much in the 'getting drunk' way cause I didn't, I had about 4 glasses of wine all night - but I did however, living in the moment, eat some unusual things, including 3 cookes & 2 fudge-caramel brownies. They were all small, but potent, that's probably 700 cals or so, then I had some chicken and german potato salad and a bit of pasta and tortilla chips. Essentially, then I am pegging 2200 calories in all which I am just going to count as "today" instead of adding on to yesterday, and work from there. So while I am busy and have work priorities today, and my legs need a break from running, I need exercise badly today, and am going to ride.
Last night I spent some time chatting with 26yo K, who was truly a girl when I lived over there but now a woman in her own right, and I just adore her. She is training for her first triathalon but a big girl, not athletic, just determined out of sheer force of will. She's also got an interesting love life and she's beautifully honest and attuned to herself, and we have really bonded, I told her about the relationship with Michael and where I am at and how my thinking about relationships and people has evolved...hopefully she is going to come ride with me later. I would like us to become real friends.
I wore a dress which looked really good on, and it was nice to receive compliments about my weight loss, from folks I haven't seen in a while. I was also having a good hair day, ha ha. Nice to see a couple of other folks had dropped a lot of weight too. Very very glad to see people getting healthy and taking their lives back and feeling better.
Time to go get productive, I have really sooooo much to do today. Not going to the wake. But time is not on my side right now.
And yeah, I haven't heard from Michael. His networking site status reflects stress and anxiety and his focus is on his work and his art. Its no way to treat me, but the more he disappoints me, the easier it is to say "I don't want what he has to offer anyway." : ) Time to refocus on ME, fitness, friends, writing, Iceland. And oh yeah, work, if only for the personal pride of being a team player and helping move the common cause forward to vanquish the competition. After being there for sooooo long, it would be a shame to let personal distractions get in the way of a team victory.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 14 June 2009 11:35 pm |
|
Give Me Twenty
Well, we rode 20 miles which was something like 600 calories burned however, I was ravenous when I got home and in addition to a nice salad ate the majority of the grilled chicken, cheese tortelliniw/ sauce which I needed to cook up. 3451IN and 2825Net. Yeah. It's really a shame I went ahead and at dinner, but I did. And I simply do not have time tonight for further 'erasing' because I need to buckle down and get to work.
I took great pleasure however in being seasoned enough now to give some input to K on next steps to help in her biking training, and after our ride I took her over to the world's greatest bike shop, where they were absolutely fantastic in talking to her about costs and options and also asking me about how things were going with my clipless pedals. Truly great people, I am not just a fan, I am a fanatic for these folks.
All right. Time for a shower then off to work. I am going to work over @ the Starbucks I think. It was such a huge success last Sunday night I hope I can repeat it, buckle down, and manage to get home and to bed at a decent hour.
Hope everybody have a lovely weekend.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 15 June 2009 04:24 am |
|
I am starting to groove on this Starbucks work thing.
First off, getting out of my rut (i.e. my Den) is good for productivity and creativity.
Second, they brew fresh decaf for me, it is cozy, pleasant, clean and I can plug in.
Third, when I need a break I have my phone, laptop, journal etc and can 'take 5 easily'.
Fourth, the sweetest moroccan immigrant gave me his #, kissed my hand, and told me I am beautiful.
I could get used to this. Life is good.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 15 June 2009 02:35 pm |
|
Food, Glorious Food
I need to do better, much better, eating wise.
I polished off the cheese tortellini last night before bed. Then, when I couldn't sleep (from eating late), I went grazing and had: triscuits with cheddar cheese; a 1/2 english muffin w/peanut butter, and then a while later, some ham.
This morning I came in and still had my usual brekkie, figuring I'd just try to go back to 'normal'. That was fine, but why did I just go over and eat about 6 hershey's kisses? Seriously, this chocolate grazing at work has to stop. That's been going on for about 2 weeks now. Baaaaad habit.
I gotta get back to logging everything and being accountable. Seriously. Today's weigh-in is going to be abysmal. My clothes are fitting tighter and I really don't feel so great.
I am also still dealing with virus, sore throat, plugged ears, yellow crud, coughing coughing coughing. Maybe if I'd eat right and get some sleep, I would get better, eh?
Here's to righting the ship the rest of the day!! I want to run later (if I can breathe, that is).
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 15 June 2009 06:59 pm |
|
Travel Companion?
So, Pitch found out 2 days ago he has to go to Denmark for work, leaving today, will be gone til Friday. In response to his stressed and dour note, last night I said something about him needing a break, a vacation, and then just flippingly added "You want to go to Iceland"? just as an amusing rhetorical remark.
He just wrote back and asked me "When?"
Wow, at first I was excited...but then...how come the thought of it actually terrifies me? Why am I afraid of something starting with him? Is it because his relative conservatism would temper in certain respects the exploratory and liberated life I am currently leading? Is it because I think the world of him and don't want something to screw up the friend-based relationship which has grown up over the months? Is it because I still think the timing is not yet right? Well, if a trip together does happen, I've got to go into it thinking 'just friends', 'cause I am still not yet in the right mindset to keep from effing it up. And I don't really know if he is interested in anything more, anyway.
Exciting development nonetheless. Stay tuned for the next exciting installment.
|
Terabyte
New Member
| Joined: | 18 November 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 886 |
|
Posted: 15 June 2009 07:18 pm |
|
| that IS pretty cool! travelling with a beautiful man is always fun!!!
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 16 June 2009 01:23 am |
|
Today's totals including my aforementioned personal midnight food fest: 1273IN/1005Net. 3.05M 2.65J/0.4W 34:30. "ish". Went to the woods, still struggling with ankles and calves, thinking that it is time to get my stride/shoes assessed. I've got sore throat, swollen glands and tongue, coughing fits with crud and my eyes are shutting. My temp is 97.1 Sure would be nice to shake this soon. I have to get some sleeps tonight.
Weigh in 127.5. Abysmal, as predicted. Ah well, today is the start of getting back on track - I hope.
I was thinking about taking Nyquil until I saw that 2 tbl is 93 calories. I'll just take some Xanax instead I guess.
|
Scoobees
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 16 June 2009 01:31 am |
|
mollymoo24 wrote: I was thinking about taking Nyquil until I saw that 2 tbl is 93 calories.
 OMG, really?? I honestly never thought of checking! I did look at my cough drops once though...was going thru them like candy.  Hope your bug  and the crud passes soon, Mol!
|
jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 761 |
|
Posted: 16 June 2009 01:58 am |
|
I've got to get a job like yours. At least, the working from home/Starbucks and the hours sound good.
What is there about Iceland that makes everyone want to go there? It sounds, I dunno - cold?
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 16 June 2009 03:59 am |
|
Reclaimed Perspective
I laid down for an hour in a sort of semiconscious state and am now back up for a bit. Conflicted about the Nyquil as I am already trying to not go grazing. Had some grape tomatoes as a 'snack buster.'
I am presently in a funk over Michael, but thankfully those thoughts seem to go away as quick as they come. Indeed, I knew what this was when I got into it and I am going to be a stronger Mol for the experience.
Update: Funny, I know my funk comes from not hearing from anyone (including Michael)all night and not staying busy, and being alone with my thoughts. That voice of rejection and doubt starts creeping in. Then I was thinking about Friday night an how no one from the old circle, except L, did more than say hello and all just stayed clustered together. And just then I hopped over to the networking site and found an invitation from a very cheery, positive girl I used to work with, to come bike with her in a charity bike ride on Sunday. Of course, needing to be somewhere on Sunday @ 7AM means committing to 'being good' on Saturday night - and you know what - that is perfect! Good clean positive recreation which doesn't disrupt my sleep is a Good Thing! I've already gratefully accepted.
So I just want to take this useful example to myself, of something I identified months ago in my old journal. I tend to see things as a 'best case' or a 'worst case', I overreact to what is occurring right now, at the moment, and not see things in the larger context. I forget what it is called, but there is actually a psych term for having the propensity to do this. So I just gotta keep it all in perspective; there are really a lot of great, positive people out there in my life who value and love me and I am just fine.
ETA: And I just got a lovely text from EF and also text and a photo from Pitch who is on the plane. I really am a total ding-dong sometimes.
Last edited on 16 June 2009 04:22 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 16 June 2009 05:15 am |
|
So why I had to go snacking I don't know. It's always when I am in this drowsy state, and frequently I have had xanax so perhaps there is a link there. Anyway, new totals: 1926IN/1658Net. That's probably around maintenance.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 16 June 2009 02:09 pm |
|
It's amazing to me that, being both sick and exhausted, I still didn't manage to fall asleep until 1ish. I guess it is a combination of the coughing and all the food. I am getting positively fat I feel like I have belly rolls. Anyway I had perhaps another 300 calories of snacks - ham/cheese, scoops/salsa, dollop of peanut butter after that last post which I will just count towards todays totals.
I had normal brekkie and will just have a normal lunch and then small dinner this evening.
Goals for the day:
1. Track calories; 1100IN; no chocolate or anything else containing sugar
924IN so far after lunch, skipped dinner altogether. 646Net. Sometimes I think it is better to forgo dinner if I am not all that hungry, rather than have a small snack that could set me off. Also - getting out of the house for the evening helped immensely.
2. Stay focused on positive things I want to do: charity ride; get running shoe eval; find a 5K to run; plan trips/vacations. If I am well enough, go to Sbucks this evening to do planning/reading; staying at home is not productive and sucks me in. I did go to Sbucks, have charity ride pretty well set, read a little on Iceland. Read my old journal looking for clues, if any, tied to mood swings and rocketships. I ran out of time.
3. No texting, chatting, or networking site with any boys. It's going to be a boy-free day. How liberating! I was doing OK, let myself get affected when I forgot and checked texts and nothing from Michael. Then I read #2 above and regrouped. ETA: Never did hear from him. I've decided I need to really cut back on all the texting, networking etc, I've started noticing how often I check and that its really taking away from my focus. Good job Mol.
4. Toning. Run only if I am up to it. I did my toning but was really craving a run. I ended up running 2 miles in the steady light rain, dodging puzzles, and flashing huge grins at people stuck in horrible traffic staring @ the crazy wet girl running in the rain.
5. Do something nice for an old friend who isn't expecting it. Failed, and I am out of time.
6. Sleep IN THE BED. Be in the bed no later than 10. Period. Exclamation! Argh. I went grocery shopping because I needed dog food and cash and got home $300 poorer. And I still want to write a short post re: Drummer.
Most of all, keep my perspective on things. I really maintained my calm much better today, certainly focusing specifically on this helped, I think no boys really helped, and a good day at the office helped, and finally, getting out of the house and taking an hour for myself helped.
Last edited on 17 June 2009 05:05 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 16 June 2009 11:35 pm |
|
Darn this rain! No hope for a run, its coming down waaaay too hard and the radar doesn't look good. They may cancel the Cubs-Sox game, there is no break in the hours ahead. And I want/need a run badly. I am trying to keep a +++ mindset but coupla of things bringing me down, and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want exercise, shower, and then coze up making plans over a nice decaf @ Starbucks.
CMon Mol, dig in and make it a great finish to the day! At least the scale was back down to 125, due to a lot of coffee.
|
Terabyte
New Member
| Joined: | 18 November 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 886 |
|
Posted: 17 June 2009 12:22 am |
|
molly: I can relate to how your emotions/moods seem so labile, especially when it comes to attention from men. I think I have stated before that sometimes one call or one text can change someone's day into a beautiful day full of sunshine and rainbows where as the lack of a communication from a man (or men) that we care about can make the stormclouds roll right in.
I think this is definitely a normal thing--I mean, let's be honest, one of the things that is most important to people everywhere, in all cultures and throughout human history has been romantic relationships. Most people, unless they are a monk or a nun or something, really want a husband or wife or life partner or whatever you want to call it. I think that is a pretty basic desire for people. Think of all the songs and paintings and poems that are all about how totally fantastic and complete people feel when they find true love, that special person they can share their life with. I mean come on, everyone knows that's a big deal. Having it feels wonderful and not having it, well doesn't feel so great. I always find it a bit laughable when married people or people in long-term relationships look at single people and say geez why get so worried about a guy (or girl?) and its like, yeah easy for you to say, you HAVE a man (or woman) you aren't experiencing this loneliness i am feeling. it's sort of like someone with a great, high-paying job telling someone they don't understand why someone would get so upset about not getting called back after a job interview. its like hello? ITS BECAUSE I WANT A JOB!!!
Or like my friend Gloria one time was saying that she felt a bit sad about her figure, as she is pretty flat-chested and she's always wanted a bigger chest, she's never felt quite sexy or desirable beause of it, and my friend Kristie (who has big ol' beautiful D cups) said "boobs aren't that big a deal, you dont need them to feel sexy" and gloria was like, right, so speaks the woman with the huge marvelous rack!!!
don't get me wrong, i know those people are well intentioned but they really just don't understand.
so anyway, i think that it is normal to feel happy when it looks like things are going somewhere with a man and it is normal to feel disappointed and sad when it looks like things aren't going somewhere. It's painful when we lose something, even if it's just the loss of a hope we had for something. Its like of course Michael (or D or whoever else) wasnt a husband of 40 years so losing them obviously isnt the same as losing a beloved husband of 40 years but it's painful because you are losing the possibility of them BEING that beloved husband of 40 years. Its like well #%@&! back to the drawing board... once again.
As you probably know from reading my journal, i experienced some seriously painful stuff in the last few days when I lost my top advisor consort but the way i tried to look at it was that space was being created for someone who WOULD love me back the way I loved them, space was being created for that great guy, whoever he might be, to come and fill and that really made me feel happy instead of 
|
Terabyte
New Member
| Joined: | 18 November 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 886 |
|
Posted: 17 June 2009 12:41 am |
|
oops, i didn't mean for that to end post right there.
but anyway, I think it is totally normal and human to get sad and disappointed about love-related matters, that is powerful stuff. And if I am not mistaken, this is what sets you off on rocketship mode, it's the relationship stuff. but hello--that is probably one of the strongest influences on people, like i said there are more songs and poems written about love and heartbreak than any other subject, so i think it's normal that it is powerful in your life
I think the main thing is managing how powerful you allow it to be and I think a lot of that comes from just changing your perspective on what it means when michael doesnt text or whatever. It means that screw him then, your phone can then be filled with texts from some other guy--some guy that LOVES to text you and call and say hi, whether it's pitch or some guy you haven't met yet.
I would NOT try to control the happiness you feel when men do pay attention, just the sadness you feel if they don't. which brings me to my next point... about bipolar disorder
I work in the mental health field and I think bipolar disorder gets WAY overdiagnosed and people who are more intens/passionate/emontional get labeled as sick and i think THAT'S sick. As a matter of fact, it really tees me off, I think it is wrong. I think it is a horrible thing that the psychologial AND pharmaceutical community is doing to people, making them feel they need medication to control how intense they are. I will not argue that there are probably some bona fide cases of people that truly have such a bad chemical imbalance that they are just completely haywire and dangerous to themselves or others and therefore need medication, but I don't think it is nearly near the number of people that are prescribed psychoptropic medication.
we all make mistakes, we all go off the deep end, we all goof up and get upset and drink too much and make horse's butts out of ourselves from time to time. I have been reading your journal for a while and i think you are an intense person but you always try to look at the problem and take steps to solve it, you are able to see your destrutive patterns and then you do something about it. You have a job, you are self-sufficient, you havent tried to kill yourself or hurt anyone else due to your intensity, you can take care of a pet, you can handle your finances, you aren't in trouble with the law, etc. I think it is pretty much horsesh.it that Dr. B said you have bipolar disorder and need meds. I think it is just a matter of doing some hard, arduous inner work and making some major changes in what you do,which you've already been doing and seem determined to continue to do. I mean for Christ's sake, in the last year, you've completely changed your body and exited a marriage. What does Dr. B expect? not to talk too muh sh.it on Dr. B but I just think you have gone through some radical changes and you are getting used to how it all works now with so many changes. It is obvious to me that you try very hard to analyze and figure out the best course of action and you ask for the help of others if you truly feel confused about the best course of action. A true bipolar person does not act like that, in my opinion. Real bipolar disorder is really scary,like bodily harm, prison style scary.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 17 June 2009 05:33 am |
|
TB - thanks for your post, and I know some of that comes from personal experience so thank you for sharing. I know you've been dealing with your own affairs of the heart this week and it says something about you that you put together that lovely, detailed, supportive post to reach out and help someone else. I think I fundamentally agree with you on just about everything you said. Although, Dr. B isn't actually a fan of meds and she only goes to them when she feels they are needed; and keep in mind that, believe it or not, in spite of my prolifigate entries, not everything pertinent makes it into this journal. I am giving that matter a lot of thought and your comments are very helpful. Thank you, simply, thanks.
I want to get down 2 other things.
One is pretty neat. At Starbucks, I was pleasantly surprised to arrive at the same time as Drummer, who was part of the broader original club circle, but no longer affiliated with anyone. I haven't seen him in oh, 10 years. He's in his early 50's now I'd say, hispanic, puerto rican I think. And the twinkle in his eye which I don't remember from before. What struck me, is that he was radiating an aura...comfort? ease? satisfaction? as if he is simply well satisfied with his life. He had a pretty good memory and recalled a few things I had forgotten; I in turn caught him up to speed on various things, including the recent death of V. How nice to talk with someone from the old days who isn't caught up in all the B.S. and drama. He is not on the networking site, but when he left, he handed me this printed (newsprint type) magazine and said he wrote an article and one of his bands was in there and his email was inside. After he left I opened it to the page where he'd folded down the corner and circled his email addy. My eyes traveled the pages and he actually was sprinked fairly liberally through the magazine, in pictures and articles and whatnot. I only had the chance to skim but looking forward to reading more.
The other thing I want to get down is how much more awesomely comfortable my tummy feels - and flat - since I got rid of the crud, didn't overeat, and got a workout in. I haven't felt this good in probably close to 2 weeks.
On that, I must now to bed. IN THE BED.
Gnight all....
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 17 June 2009 02:59 pm |
|
I didn't snack.
I slept in the bed.
I hit snooze and the alarm didn't go off the 2nd time. Got an extra hour and still here in time for my first meeting.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 17 June 2009 06:01 pm |
|
On My Game
Its worth noting that while I am still congested and coughing some, I am feeling a heck of a lot better today, and having a very productive, rapid firing day. Mol in command, confident, capable, back to life. Practically Munich Energy Mol. Is this the result of an in-control eating, and good sleeping day yesterday? Or is the good eating and sleeping a result of a mood/hormone cycle my body is going through? Getting the better of this virus? It is a chicken-and-egg scenario, but I gotta just keep writing things down and maybe someday a definitive pattern to all this will emerge.
On that score I also will note that I wore my old shoes for my 2-mile run yesterday. There seems to be a difference in the pronation between the two, and I am figuring out that I haven't consistently been able to get my running up where it should be since my calf injury several months ago, which is also around the time I switched to these shoes. OK I am going to schedule an eval with the running store today. (update - done - going in Monday afternoon-Yaaaay. Finally).
It is helpful that I've raised my awareness of how often I am checking for texts and the networking site. 6 months ago, these "tools" were not part of my everyday life. In recent months, they've become a central part of my life. I know this is an evolutionary function of reconnecting with old friends, and also getting out and dating again. I've just got to put parameters around how much time and focus I am investing there.
It's nice to be back again. BTW, scale 124 this AM, 'empty' weight, made me feel a bit better. Eating on track so far today, off to put my food so far in the counter then back to work...
ETA: 542IN after lunch.
Last edited on 17 June 2009 06:07 pm by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 18 June 2009 04:29 am |
|
Your Crisis is Not My Problem
920IN/920Net today, includes a glass of white wine I am presently enjoying. No workout, no time. I am whipped. Busy day at work, then a crisis (which didn't need to be a crisis) erupted over a large customer, my analyst got the analysis to me at 3:30 when I was just ready to leave, I spoke with the GM for the business, gave him the facts, and told him I was going to be where I could not use a cell phone between 4&6. If he felt that they could make the best decision without me - do it - otherwise, schedule a call for after 6PM or tomorrow AM. Then I left.
To go to my spa appointment.
I had a haircut and 80 minute hot stone scheduled and I didn't want to cancel. Primarily because when you cancel at the last minute, you are taking money out of people's pockets. Secondarily, well, darn it, it just wasn't my fault that it turned into a crisis and usually with these things there is wiggle room, I was not falling for that. Guess I've learned a thing or two.
Anyway I had my haircut, then checked in with the GM before my massage and he determined that we can finalize it in the morning. That's the best anyway, so we can all mull it over overnight.
After that, I picked up my car which is was finally ready after the accident 3.5 weeks ago. Not sure the repairs are completed to my satisfaction but going to deal with that soon...I had to rush home and pick up the house for the maid tomorrow. I am just whipped.
I received a text finally from Michael which arrived aroung 6PM during my massage but haven't read it. I am so busy I cannot afford to get distracted but really the primary driver is, I don't know what I want it to say and how I am going to react, so I decided the best thing was to exercise some control/restraint, and let it sit for now. Trying really hard to manage the Rocketship. And you know what? Staying in control can be empowering.
Speaking of which, scale at 122.5 before dinner. Yeah, that's a bit of water/being empty but still I feel like I have adequate distance from that 127.5 which popped up the other day. Yikes!!
I also need to note that this afternoon around 3:30, I did notice that I was going on the Rocketship, it was so stressful and frenzied at the office over this crisis primarily, and my head got light again and not anywhere the same focused, impactful mode I was in during the morning. I am so glad that I had plenty to do tonight to keep me busy who knows if I'd have done something like meet up with Michael or Chris or whoever midweek, etc. I still was feeling some residual effects through my spa and even now but they are really mild, I did a pretty good job of calming down while I was getting my massage. Then I used the steam bath and nice long shower, that was really good.
OK, I am going to take my whipped self and be in the bed again within 15 minutes. I don't have the house fully picked up but I did a lot and can do another 10 minutes before I leave in the morning.
Cheers. Or as DJ M would say, "Chowder".
|
suenos
Moderator
|
Posted: 18 June 2009 05:15 am |
|
mollymoo24 wrote: ...I had to rush home and pick up the house for the maid tomorrow. I am just whipped.
This cracks me up cause I have two aunties and a girlfriend who do the exact same thing.....seriously if I ever have a maid I will spend the day before she comes just wallowing in squalor while reveling in the thought "the maid comes tommorrow"....and just typing that I realized probably not 'cause whenever I stay in a hotel I clean up really well before housekeeping comes just so they won't know what a piggy I am
sounds like things are going well for ya and I'm happy for ya! Yey for Mol being in control and feeling good!!!!!!
|
suenos
Moderator
|
Posted: 18 June 2009 05:16 am |
|
mollymoo24 wrote: ...I had to rush home and pick up the house for the maid tomorrow. I am just whipped.
This cracks me up cause I have two aunties and a girlfriend who do the exact same thing.....seriously if I ever have a maid I will spend the day before she comes just wallowing in squalor while reveling in the thought "the maid comes tommorrow"....and just typing that I realized probably not 'cause whenever I stay in a hotel I clean up really well before housekeeping comes just so they won't know what a piggy I am
sounds like things are going well for ya and I'm happy for ya! Yey for Mol being in control and feeling good!!!!!!
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 18 June 2009 05:19 am |
|
You know, I think when I get into this drowsy-tired-almost asleep mode is when I lose control the most easily. See, I convinced myself that I was calm and in control enough to go ahead and read Michael's text. And, it was completely generic, something that could have been sent to 10 people at once, and perhaps maybe it was; in any event there was nothing personal to me in it. At all. After 5 days. And so...don't do anything Mol - don't - no - wait - up oh no...I had to go ahead and fire off the cannon. I figured either the phone would ring immediately or I'd never heard from him again. And, since the phone didn't ring, alas...I guess it will help me move on...I've been in denial...I still close my eyes and the memories are intoxicating...
...oh yeah, and I snacked, about 450. Could be worse for the day anyway.
I am going to bed now for real. Wish me luck.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 18 June 2009 06:19 am |
|
Sadly, I am still up. And, tomorrow is an important day. I am going to blather on about it because frankly it will give me something to do while I wait for my Xanax to kick in.
Anyway tomorrow I have 'coaching and sushi' with Steve, we are getting offsite and doing a less formal development meeting. I think it will be good to break the mold of our usual stint in my office.
Later in the day, importantly, the meeting with the meds. Dr. and then Dr. B. About the bipolar thing. I am inclined against starting the meds and then...look at tonight as an example...I get so emotional that I do things I wouldn't do if I was in a steadier frame of mind. So, I don't know. Maybe it would result in me being happier over the long run, if I were less impulsive. But its so hard, because I still want to be ME, not some doped up version of me.
OK that's all the 'stuff' I have so I am going to take a different tack and try for a fun post next.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 18 June 2009 07:02 am |
|
Well I am sitting here trying to come up with a good humorous story along the lines of The Panty Run or If One More Thing Jumps Out of This Refrigerator. Cause I really enjoy those. But I guess those just sort of spontaneously happen and I just observe them, it is not like I make them up, and I cannot think of anything that funny that happened recently. Or not recently. Sorry. I guess I have really been in a rut.
So. I think I am going to pick something from childhood to reminisce about.
Ice Fishing
The Ice Fishing derby. My Dad took me. Oh, I must have been between 6 and 8 years old. The local mens' club hosted it as part of a winter festival. Incidentally and I just now realized this, this was one of the few times I was ever at the beach next door to the house where Pitch grew up. It's sort of funny looking back with my mind's eye over thirty years later with a new perspective.
Anyway, it was daylight hours, and they had augered at least two dozen holes in the ice to fish through. But no one really showed up to participate except for me, and then there was a non-competing adult ice fisherman out there in his little shack just having fun. There was snow on the ice where the wind hadn't blow it clean. The weather was clear but cold. And I sat there in my little bundled up outfit, which had a red puffy coat with white fringe on the hood and sleeves, and tried and tried and didn't catch a fish. I am not even sure that I had any bites.
I think we had something like 4 hours to 'compete' and after the 3rd hour, since no one else showed up, the men's club president came over and awarded me all 3 prizes 1st-2nd-and-3rd place, just for sticking it out and participating. First prize was a portable AM/FM radio, shaped like an oil can and branded Exxon. I sort of wish I still had it for old times' sake, I remember it quite vividly and had it for probably 15 years. I cannot remember the second place prize, but third place was a silver dollar. How cool to a kid. I remember being surprised and little embarassed since I didn't think I deserved any prizes, for not catching any fish. But it was nice of them.
It is nice reflecting on the sense of community and volunteering that was prevalent in that place and time. I believe it to be a small town phenomenon, as I have observed it in the towns L and I frequented in Michigan, and we would often participate in those community activities.
Funny, this is leading me back to an entry I made Sunday in the Book of Mol, first one in a while...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 18 June 2009 11:52 am |
|
After that last post I went to bed and shortly thereafter, 2 texts from Michael. Not containing any apology, just saying that his future is uncertain and that finding work is his all-consuming focus right now. Then I went on the networking site and a couple hours later he sent a rather lengthy message to me that is on track with the same thing, just in more detail, but at least begs forgiveness for his current inattentions. Apparently, as I feared, his employer is trying to fight his unemployment and he only has about 2 months of funds in the bank right now. He's updated his networking site status also to telegraph a similar message to the population at large, saying that people won't be hearing from him, he is spiraling, depression is settling in, and "this means Michael that has left the building".
So, OK. Clearly nothing is going to be going on near term and somehow it seems unlikely that we will pick up again in the future. But, I am glad he stepped up to the plate and at least I know happened - in that respect he didn't let me down. There's not really much I can do for him for right now.
More later.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 19 June 2009 02:44 am |
|
.
A Moment of Happy.
I mean like simple, pure, content, happy. Not Rocketshippy happy. Not hormonally happy. Just...grinning.
Sushi and coaching went well today with Steve, I think he arrived at a better understanding of what I've been going through emotionally, where my priorities are at, and what I can and cannot handle right now, and that I won't be investing time outside the office right now advancing the global stuff. It is not productive, and not a personal priority. Inside the 4 walls of the office - absolutely. I didn't have to give him specifics and frankly still couldn't even though I would love to be able to confide in him. Some day, when I am no longer working there, I know we will be real friends.
Yesterday's crisis was also resolved to my satisfaction. I was able to spend more time mulling things over, made a recommendation based upon a nice bit of competitive strategy which went off like a lightbulb for the GM involved. I felt like I brought some value to the decision making process today, a positive feeling which has been lacking for the most part the last couple of years.
After work, the crucial meeting with the meds Dr. T and Dr. B. Dr. T wasn't at all what I expected. She drilled me on my memory problems and drinking and told me I needed to get the drinking under the control and scripted me some vitamins to take for memory. She suggested AA and also an anti-craving drug for alcohol but I was stubborn. I told her my problem is the Rocketships and managing my emotions - sometimes I drink to medicate, but sometimes I eat, or do impulsive things like texting, or I run or I write or just have to get the heck out of the house and go somewhere, but that its all these emotions, usually guys or work or relationships setting them off...or anticipation of the weekend/clubbing. There are definite patterns. She doesn't think I am bipolar. So then I saw Dr. B and I never saw her so agitated in my life. She clearly disagrees. She clearly thinks I have an underlying disorder feeding it all. However, she supposes that OK, I get the binge drinking under control and then we try to see what my baseline is before making a diagnosis. Sounds good to me. I haven't been so animated, so assertive, so full of opinions and life as I was with Dr. B today. I amaze even myself when I am firing on all cylinders.
The alcohol rules are: no more than 3 in a night, no more than 7 per week. And I intend to be fully accountable.
OK...but why am I happy? Because I pulled into the garage, grabbed my phone to go into the house, and saw there was a text from Pitch. He's back home a full day early. A little back and forth, he asked me what I am doing this weekend, and we made plans to get together tomorrow night. Clearly, I am interesting to him, regardless of whether he's "interested" in that way. How nice. A perfectly nice, genuine, well liked, brilliant, educated, well-travelled, music-loving, good looking man is going to grill out for me at his place tomorrow night. We will likely play music all night on his brand new stereo system. Regardless of any romantic interest, it makes for a lot more balanced and soulful evening than going out clubbing.
I also just grilled skirt steak to perfection, am enjoying a glass of white wine (A glass) and just got an invite from Chris for tonight which I turned down because I need sleep and don't need to be going out.
Yay.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 19 June 2009 04:20 am |
|
3281IN. And no exercise. I am sooo tired and sleepy but thinking about going for a run anyway. Problem is I have a fairly full belly. I grilled up meats from the fridge earlier (skirt steak and chicken) - and pigged out on them. Very tasty but it was an all around high-indulgence, high-cal day. Yeah, OK, I will at least go for a walk. I had no workout yesterday and it could be raining tomorrow.
ETA: 3.1M 2.8J / 0.3W 34:09. 2982Net. Yep. I left the house around 10:40 and arrive home at 11:15. It was easy-peasy too, except for the side stitch I had from all the food. Sweated profusely, I guess the humidity here. Now I've had a nice shower and will go to bed and be able to set my alarm a tad late in the AM. Must not snack. Don't know what my little piggy problem is...Good night!
Oh yeah, and the scale is solidly @ 125 today.
Last edited on 19 June 2009 06:17 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 19 June 2009 07:45 am |
|
Yet another sleepless night. Sigh. I was so close but didn't fall asleep so back at the keyboard again. It wasn't food either since I didn't eat since dinner. This is pretty frustrating because I don't want to be tired tomorrow night. I am going to push my alarm back one more hour and go in a bit late in the morning I guess.
The snacking has started...
|
Beth
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 19 June 2009 12:09 pm |
|
I've been wanting to suggest AA for a long time. I just didn't know how to approach it. That is where you'll find your solutions and meet friends just like you. I'd suggest finding a group with lots of recovery. If you run with the winners, you will be a winner. The energy you're putting into not going to AA should be a red flag for you.
Sorry for interfering. I do care about you. You are a part of my recovery. Incidentally, I would be dead or in jail if I hadn't found Alanon. I just LOVE alcoholics. I just want to fix them. That is my disease.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 20 June 2009 08:32 pm |
|
Gastronomic Delights
The evening with Pitch was everything I could have wanted...except romantic. On top of his other fine qualities Pitch really enjoys cooking and he spent all afternoon doing his thing. He did it for the love of cooking and the joy of having someone to share it with, not to impress...nonetheless, it was impressive. Seriously, OK. 4 different types of tasty spread w/bread and chips (dude, I mean homemead spreads). Gaspacho to die for. Chicken marinated in pineapple and mango and other stuff and grilled w/tasty cole slaw and mango salsa. All this stuff was made from scratch. Red and white wines. We never even got to the desert (which I now feel bad about). Seriously I ate about a million calories, I liked everything a lot but the portions were huge. I gotta watch out for that, by the way, because L was a foodie and that is how I got so fat starting 15 years ago.
We talked a lot about things which matter, one of my favorite things about Pitch because he isn't a typical guy. He talks about feelings and people and relationships, and is barenaked honest about his own insecurities and struggles and sincerely cares about other people's as well. We listened to a range of music on his lovely new stereo and told a few stories and a few confessions. It was a good (albeit platonic) night. He did at one point however comment on how remarkably similar our minds are. I said "Yeah, you noticed." It's pretty cool that he sees it. About time. If nothing ever gets going here, I am still going to be one lucky chick if we stay on long term as friends.
I got home a bit after 1 and was whipped but decided gear up and head over to #2 to see if Jason had showed up, so that I could give him some more encouragement. But he wasn't there, and I guess our paths may not cross again for a long time, if ever. That sucks. I mean, attraction and chemistry don't happen every day, its a shame to not pursue it. But, everyone has their issues.
I wore those gorgeous new boots with the 5" heels and while I think they look pretty good on, Carlton was teasing me and trying to get me to hit the dance floor "You are going to have to dance like a girl in those, cmon I wanna see you dance"...which, Beth will be impressed, I did manage to do, and yeah - I pretty much gotta dance like "a girl" in those. Burns way fewer calories, and not at all good for the feet or shins, those boots are def not made for that purpose.
Chris never migrated over from #1, apparently he and Ian were hanging @ #1 and then he went home and crashed, Ian had a girl with him and they went no-one-knows-where. However Carlton showed up @ #2 and we closed the joint then he gave me a lift home and came in and hung out for a couple of hours. I baked him a mini deep pan pizza which is better that the White Castle we almost went to. I def wasn't even hungry The last 30 minutes I was falling asleep standing up and practically to lead him to the front door, he was so busy talking. But that's Carlton.
OK now for accountability. 3 glasses of wine with Pitch along with glasses of water. That was fine. I had a couple of diet cokes @ #2 and then where I went off track was when Carlton came. I offered to buy him a drink and then it seemed the right thing to have one along with him. (Why did I really do this, to make chatting easier?) So I had a vodka drink which was the second error because vodka always begets more vodka. So I had a second one, and then after we got back to my place I had a glass of wine. Soooooo....6 drinks. Now, its not like I was drunk or anything like that because that was over the course of nearly 10 hours. But, while I can crack a joke "technically that was 6 over 2 days - 3+3", its not what I set out to do and therefore a failure. Well at least now I should be in the clear because I am staying in tonight, early bike ride tomorrow, then lots of other activities until next week. I can do this.
Other accountability: I have no freaking idea how many calories I consumed yesterday. They had the breakfast buffet @ work so I had 2 cheese blintzes, sausage and eggs; small lunch, and then that wonderful, massive dinner @ Pitches, and the alchohol. I am loosely estimating 3500.
I did do my toning yesterday and walked a mile. Whoop-de-do. 
Today - well thankfully, I was able to roll over and go back to sleep several times after initially awakening @ 9:30. I got about 6 hours and now that I've had coffee and a bit of lunch, I am feeling decent. So here's the rest of my day:
- Hydrate. Done
- Go for a long run/walk around 4-ish. Done, not esp. long, just the usual.
- Update to do list, get plans set for the next week, see what's important.
- Organize the "pile o stuff" which I shoved out of the way for the cleaning lady.
- Pay bills.
- 700 calories, including some pasta for dinner to aid the bike ride tomorrow.
- No liquor. None. That simple. Even if/especially if Chris swings by later.
- Finish laundry. In process.
- Work on grocery list.
- Smile and have some fun. I feel flirty.
I don't know yet if or when I will be seeing S, if she is going to make it down to spend the night on Sunday. I wish she'd make up her mind. If not, I will plan to spend a few hours @ Sbucks and/or another coffee shop writing in the book of Mol, thinking about Europe, and digging deep down to find out, at the core, whether I really want to go. I need to make a decision about that, because if I do want to go, I need to put my energy into making it happen. And if I don't want to go, I need to stop dabbling in thinking about it and wasting my energy. Scary. I wonder sometimes if its just this little fantasy and I am talking myself into it because it sounds interesting and adventuresome. Its difficult to be just settling in to some rekindled friendships and new friendships and then move away and start over. I don't deal well with isolation, but I do have some faith that I can meet people and eventually make friends.
I'd better get on with my goal to take a German language course.
Last edited on 21 June 2009 12:53 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 20 June 2009 11:47 pm |
|
3 hours gone and not much accomplished. In additions to still fighting this upper respiratory thing I woke up the past 2 days with mucousy eyes and my eyes have been red and painful. So I got dressed to go for my run and decided to first head to the clinic while they are still open. After about 90 minutes - diagnosis - double pink eye. Then off to WAG which took forever since they forgot to call me over the speaker when my script was ready (grrrrrrr.) So, I am back home now and pretty tired, contacts out, glasses on and trying to motivate for a run and/or toning. I am just tired. I still feel flirty and smiling though. OK I'll go for a jog and flash grins at the cute boys.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 21 June 2009 03:17 am |
|
Today's Totals: 618IN/290Net. 3.1M 2.8J/0.3W 34:00 + toning uppers. Was so overheated and sweating profusely; really wanted to do abs but had to stop the toning. After dinner weight 125.5. Not progressing toward my Challenge goal one bit. And it is entirely attributable to overeating and drinking alcohol. Simple.
I declined antibiotics today for my upper respiratory but if it is not better in a couple of days I will go see my regular Dr. It does seem to be improving 'a little'. I think of myself as so strong and healthy now because of getting fit and eating better but clearly physically my body is not in great shape at the moment. I nearly fell asleep on the couch writing this post. I also gotta go get the vitamins Dr. T wants me to start taking for memory.
I stopped mid-workout at the nearby Marathon to get a water and ended up buying a lottery ticket on a whim. That would take care of a few concerns.
I sent a nice email to Pitch and hopefully hit the right tone of friendly+enthusiasm. On Thursday I told S that I like him after she told me about another guy from h.s. who she is interested in. A couple of months ago I thought she was into Pitch but she's declared herself elsewhere and I've "staked my claim" now. LOL He does, I know, think very highly of S, and perhaps she will have an influential role at some point - certainly not now.
I should hop in the shower in case Chris does end up wanting to come over on his way out tonight.
|
Beth
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 21 June 2009 11:45 am |
|
These boots are made for walking,
And that's just what I'll do.
One of these days these boots are going to walk all over you.
(That is Tina Sinatra from the olden days - just right after the wheel was invented.)
|
Beth
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 21 June 2009 11:58 am |
|
| Duh... it was Nancy Sinatra. (early senility, sorry)
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 21 June 2009 10:19 pm |
|
Exercisin Fool
This morning I participated in a 20-mile charity bike ride, I could have riddin further. The girl I was riding with, however, was suprisingly slowing me down and was pretty toast by the 20-mile marker. 1:35 which is only average 12.5mph. I enjoyed knowing that I was capable of more. I met some triathalon swimming and biking coaches, but I am not real interested in swimming at this point. "I'll think about that next year". 1/2 banana and bagel chunks after the ride - that was quite possibly the best-tasting banana ever.
Picked up new dog beds @ Costco (mmmmmmmm....Cedar) and went to Jimmy John's for lunch (mmmmmmm....Big John).
Came home, passed out on the couch for a while, and then went for a run 3.1M 2.9J/0.2W 32:58. Not bad after riding this AM. I need to do my abs but have already showered and don't want to sweat. We shall see.
I got a mystery text @ 2:30 in the morning while I was sleeping last night. I had a feeling I knew who it was but didn't find out til today. Yep. Jason poked his head out of his shell after all. I was pleased. But we texted back and forth a few times this afternoon and it made me miss the early days with Michael, he was so good at this, knew exactly what to say to really stir up my interest. Jason, well, he just keeps digging a bigger hole for himself. Well I knew he was an odd bird. I asked him if he is an axe murderer. He swears he is not.
But that did get me off thinking that unlike Michael, who has a long history and is well known, I don't think Jason is known really at all. Which means I have no one to vouch for him and he really could be an axe murderer. I was talking with Carlton Friday night about saftey and possibly taking some self-defense/martial arts type stuff. It wouldn't hurt. Carlton's answer was 'just get a gun'. I don't like guns.
Well the day has gone by so quickly and I cannot get focused on my to-do list for some reason. I really just want to take a nap. My body just wants to curl up for a while and that would be alright, I need to get healthy again and need to listen to my body.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 21 June 2009 11:20 pm |
|
1665IN/810Net. I even got to eat Ghirardelli chocolate squares and pretzels today. I heart exercise.
Dunno why the scale says 126.5 though...hope it is back down for the weigh-in tomorrow.
**ETA: I was hungry so I ate what I wanted - more pasta, chicken, peanut butter sand - then realized I missed a couple of things in the calc earlier, mainly I had a bag of BBQ chips @ Jimmy Johns. So with all the additional stuff: 2887/2032. Eh. Maybe that kind of thing is why the scale isn't where it should be. Oh well!!
Tomorrow is my running shoe eval, I cannot wait, although I am a bit nervous about having someone actually watch me run. I am such a nerd.
Last edited on 22 June 2009 12:45 am by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 22 June 2009 05:00 am |
|
Sunday Night Pilgrimage
Well, it appears that I am settling in, pleasantly enough, to a Sunday evening routine of a nice decaf at my nearest Starbucks, whilst getting prepared for the week, taking care of loose ends, etc. My sweet little Moroccan friend whom I met last Sunday eve was apparently out on the patio for several hours, then spotted me in the shop on his way to his car. So he drove his friend home and then came back to spend 30 minutes or so with me. He brought me a pair of earrings which match his keychain, I'll have to put up a picture when I get time, it was sweet. He told me he likes me and wanted to know when he could see me again. I don't really see myself dating him, he's not my type really, yet he so sweet and persistent I haven't outright said no, I just told him I am too busy, he can come see me next Sunday night for 30 minutes when I am at the Starbucks again.
And its "Game On" with Jason, although I think this guy just wants to skip the appetizer and the entree and move straight on to dessert. For a guy I supposed to be too shy to call me, he's certainly turned into quite the aggressive persuer, even asking me about getting together tonight. Well - I'm in the drivers' seat and I call the shots. Pencilled in Thursday but depends on how my week goes. And I am going to run a background check on him. I reverse googled his cell phone earlier and didn't find anything. Did I mention he's only 29?
And...frankly, I'd still rather be seeing Michael. I do miss him occasionally. We said hellos today but nothing special. Same with Pitch.
I need to get to bed soon, finishing up something for work first though. Eating Triscuits right now. Don't know why, really.
Last edited on 22 June 2009 05:03 am by mollymoo24
|
Beth
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 22 June 2009 11:43 am |
|
| We have a place here that evaluates running shoes. I'm thinking of asking them to evaluate my walking shoes. Seems like my feet hang over the sides too much. I tightened them up and that helped a little. How often do you have to change shoes? My brother used to run and would give his old (really new) running shoes to my dad. He said you can't run very long in them.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 22 June 2009 12:27 pm |
|
Beth wrote: We have a place here that evaluates running shoes. I'm thinking of asking them to evaluate my walking shoes. Seems like my feet hang over the sides too much. I tightened them up and that helped a little. How often do you have to change shoes? My brother used to run and would give his old (really new) running shoes to my dad. He said you can't run very long in them.
Beth:
300 miles or 6 months. I had heard this before and one of the triathletes said the same thing yesterday.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 22 June 2009 12:34 pm |
|
So, my sore throat, swollen glands are back badly to where it is painful to talk again. Although I was exhausted yesterday and rested quite a bit, and was OK @ Sbucks last night, here I am. Perhaps I am allergic to Triscuits? Just run down? EBV? Anyway, not well enough to tolerate going to the office and so will work from home. Darn it. I need to get well!
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 22 June 2009 01:42 pm |
|
| Michael just texted that he misses me. Oh boy. My heart skipped and my breath caught. Darn boys. I am just too easy (emotionally, that is). OK back to work...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 22 June 2009 09:10 pm |
|
Man, this has been a terrible sick day. I've been totally dopey and I think I finally figured out it must be the Zyrtec they are having me take to dry everything out a bit which is supposed to help my eyes and my sore throat. So I cannot think straight and keep lying down but not falling asleep; in between I am trying to get things done for work as best I can. My throat really hurts, my glands are really swollen, and it even hurts in my ears when I swallow. How is that for sucking?
I read Terabyte's post about receiving a :( sad face from her top advisor consort and not responding. I also 'did nothing' about Michael's message this morning, it was probably a passing moment. Pangs to be sure, but as always, having other men interested in you is a great way to moderate those 'breakup blues'.
I am trying to do a low calorie day to offset yesterday. Plus it is a weigh-in day. I desperately need to do my toning and perhaps if this Zyrtec ever wears off I may be able to do that. But there will be nothing else today, too dangerous. I am not sure I should set any other goals for the rest of the day, just surviving it seems to be a good plan.
|
Beth
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 22 June 2009 10:11 pm |
|
I hope your day gets better. I absolutely cannot take Zyrtec because it makes me a zombie. Can't think, can't react, can't reason, makes me depressed - bad stuff.
Thanks for the advice about the shoes. I got a new pair today. I think they will help.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 22 June 2009 11:03 pm |
|
So, sitting here with a now yellowish slightly swollen tongue, and glands and throat at the worst pain since I woke up today, I am guessing its not the Triscuits. I have, however, started wondering if its the Starbucks. I had that decaf yesterday evening, woke up with sore throat etc this morning. Drank a bit more than usual today trying to fight the "Zombie-Med" and here I am. Shudder to think. It could just be EBV again too but may be worth it to try to get off the Starbucks for a week or two and then try coming back on to it. It could be an additive they use during the roasting or who knows if there is coloring or something added.
I've just had dinner and will weigh-in shortly. 734IN/734Net for the day. A little early to be done eating for the night but I am going to try to go to sleep around 8, if that works I should be OK. I hate not doing my toning but what a mess I am. I can hardly stand.
OK. Weighed, after dinner as always. 125.5. Sigh. I cannot complain really, I mean, I've been overeating quite a bit recently.
This is one drowsy Mol...signing off....nothing else on the to-do list is getting done today, its all about me, rest, reading and then sleep.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 23 June 2009 03:07 am |
|
An Interesting End
I guess after the 12-hour Zyrtec wore off I woke up a bit. I couldn't bear the thought of another day without toning, I lose it so fast. So, I did it, my full routine, although not 100%. Then I decided to go walk for about 1/2 an hour. Without my usual IPod jammed into my ears, I enjoyed the sounds of the summer evening in the neighborhood. The kids playing softball. Dogs barking. Joking with a young couple with a boxer, the gal carrying her man on her back. The tap-taps of little girls learning Irish dancing, coming from the 2nd floor windows of a school nearby.
I elected to go by way of "the" overpass and traffic was thin and really whizzing along. And observing it felt a lot better today. I allowed, and rather forced, the vision of me whizzing along too, getting on that train and speeding off to the airport to move overseas. Leaving behind that overpass and the neighborhood for a few years, getting a sense of what it might feel like to actually be in that moment. And it wasn't terrible. It felt adventurous and fulfilling. I need to go do that more often - and envision - just stay away from it during rush hour.
I also did a good deed for a complete stranger and bought a lottery ticket, perhaps my luck will hit.
And I just noticed that I can again see L commenting on a mutual friends' posts on the networking site, so he must have changed a blocking setting again. I spoke with him earlier today to let him know he could pickup his mail and his monthly check and he volunteered to bring M-Dog over which means he was set for a lengthy visit and chatting with me. However when I wasn't feeling so great there around 4 ish we agreed to pick another evening.
Totals: 734IN/472Net. My throat and glands and ears/swallowing still hurt pretty bad right now. Hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling much improved, and trying to drink a TON of water to flush *crud* out of my system. I will be very happy if I can wake up tomorrow feeling much better.
Time for a bath, a little reading and then bed.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 24 June 2009 03:42 am |
|
Well I did wake up feeling a bit more rested, having avoid *snacking* and managing to sleep IN the bed. My glands, tongue and throat were still swollen and I am still generating *crud* from my pink eyes so all around, Mol isn't bouncing back quickly.
I guess stemming from the low calorie day, I got into a scone around 11AM and ate the whole thing. It was tasty, but that along with 2 glasses of wine and no exercise leads to 2090IN/2090Net. I hate this heat. I am so run down that I cannot run in the heat it takes to much of me. It was 95 and sultry when I got home. Now it is 83 with a heat index of 86. Perhaps, perhaps, I will go running @ 10. I don't know. I still cannot even put my contact lenses in. Frustrated.
Had my first-ever mammogram today which is just one of those things you have to do when you reach 40. I don't mind except I am hating my breasts these days. Fast forwarding, I saw Dr. B today and told talked about getting plastic surgery (which, again, I never thought I'd ever do) and I am pretty much decided its the only way I am going to be free from this prison. The prison used to be fat. Now, the prison is skin. I don't expect to be perfect. I just want to be at least acceptable.
I am just generally in a mood. I am worn out. I forgot to take my Wellbutrin all day. Michael's unemployment got denied today and there's just no room for me in the equation; his situation is however, a distraction, like Beth I always want to 'save them all', to take care of everyone else's problems, to see out the neediest people to help; luckily, Michael is very prideful and doesn't want anyone's help - so it forces me to sit back and "que sera, sera".
Chris was looking to do wine and dinner tonight, and I hated to say no because I've turned him down for dinner and/or drinks like 3 times in the past couple of weeks, but I may do it tomorrow eve depending on how I am feeling.
Dr, B challenged me a bit today, especially after learning about Mike; it was a sparring match over all the guy craziness and what I am really after and why. I think part of it is liberation/experimentation after 15 years and also knowing that I am in likely the "last great phase" of my life in terms of being relatively attractive and youthful and energetic and being able to 'fit in' to the scene. Somewhere in the not too distant future this whole equation will just no longer work; whether its because of age; career; serious relationship with a normal guy; or whatever. It is almost like 'now or never' to experience and experiment and to think that I should adhere to some social norm, which isn't how I feel or want to be right now, right at this point, seems like a wasted opportunity, a path to "what if?". I also think that, having been overweight for so long, that being thin and attractive now is a bit like a drug, when guys are attracted to me it feeds my ego, its intoxicating, I want that fix.
So...while she made me think twice about seeing the introverted and somewhat unsettling Jason, I do want to at least go see him and see what he has to offer. My plan is still to see him Thursday unless work or something else (i.e. stupid exhaustion) derails me.
I don't think I am going to make it for a run tonight. If not, I'll have to grit my teeth and bear the heat after work tomorrow. Having a snack attack now too. Sigh. I sense peanut butter in my future...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 24 June 2009 05:22 am |
|
Snack out. Nooobody does it half as good as me.....baby I'm the best....
Rice Cakes+Jif (210)
Ham/bleu cheese/tortilla rollup (240)
Baba Ganoush (a lot) w/Scoops (260?)
Biscuit w/swizzle of hershey's syrup (70)
Woo hoo 780. That's not good. Well I am most definitely full NOW....
|
Current time is 08:07 am | Page:   1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ...   |
|
|
|
