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50lbs2lose
New Member
| Joined: | 24 July 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 383 |
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Posted: 5 June 2009 05:10 am |
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| AMEN to what she just said! And I will take a slice of that sword to my own self. Thanks Pat!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 June 2009 04:13 pm |
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EPIC Failure.
Alcohol is the root of all evil. I swear. I wish I could turn back the clock but I can't. Why is it that I just have no self control. Why? WHY?
I opened a bottle of wine and had a glass and a half before I left. Chris was late getting to #3 and I already had 3 more drinks while waiting for him. to get there The Rocketship just kept taking off and I probably had 4 more after that the rest of the night. I was drunk. We went from #3 to #2. Michael found out that his unemployment was approved and was in a better mood and decided to come out to #2 around 1:30ish. I was smashed the entire time. I got emotional and stupid at the end of the night. Certainly not how I want to be around him, or Chris or to be honest, around anyone.
According to my texts I got home around 4:30. I vaguely remember the cab ride home, and nothing afterward. Apparently I ate a lot when I got home, but I don't know exactly what. From what remains on the counter, bread, ham, salsa, cream cheese, cheese, and half a leftover hamburger, with ketchup.
Then, I overslept my conference call this morning because I passed out on the couch. The conference call with the VP, the rather important call, talk about sabotaging myself.
I am supposed to be dedicating the rest of this morning to a global project and I'd better go make a pot of coffee and try to get back on track.
EPIC failure. Weak. Ugly. Tired. Ugly. Stuffed. Ugly. Bloated. Ugly. Lazy. Ugly.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 June 2009 04:25 pm |
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Hisgal wrote: Why do you let people (Michael at the current time) send you off on this emotional "Rocketship"?
I don't know.
Hisgal wrote:
I know we are very different in our viewpoints, but I truly don't understand it!
I don't understand it either.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 June 2009 04:59 am |
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Getting On With It
I've got it back together, more or less, it seems. Sadly I didn't get enough job-related work done today to ease my stress level. Matter of fact, ithe work keeps piling on, its overwhelming and although I was supposed to work on global today, the demands of the day to day right here in the good 'ol US market are plenty enough to keep me good and buried. Not a lot of fun.
I went for a run around 1:30 and it wasn't the easiest, but did better than expected. I saw the UPS truck while I was jogging and hailed the driver to find out how much time until he made it to my house, I was assured that I had a good 30 minutes and so was able to finish up my 3.1M 2.8J/0.3W 34:35 I didn't want to miss delivery of my NEW BOOTS! 
Simply stated, "they rock". Heh. 
Anyway, after that I completed a webinar for work and then spoke with S, who is really bumming today after learning her injury is expected to have her laid up for an extended period, she cannot work, she is not suposed to be on her foot at all. Then I got on my bike and rode down to the lake [that would be Lake Michigan], weather was picture perfect and the lake was stunningly blue. I hung out for a bit and texted the usual guys (yeah, I pretty much broke the no-texting rule), Chris is not responding at all today which is disturbing so I am going to have to get to the bottom of that. Pitch had sent me a txt saying he was back from Munich and so I went back and forth a couple of times with him. I took the lakefront path up North a ways and back, then my phone rang and it was Andrew, he was also out bike riding so we met up and had a quick dinner at Big Chicks, and took some photos which we figured out how to upload to the networking site. I love biking gear, it makes me look more athletic than I actually am.
My bike computer went on the fritz so I got a new battery @ CVS and that didn't fix it, so I don't have hard biking stats, but about 15 miles. It wasn't bad at all, not much wind, not like the last time.
Was fairly sore when I got home and had a nice soak in the tub and started reading Einstein's Dreams. Didn't get too far but seems like it will be a good read once I get into the rhythm of it. The writer has an odd sense of pace, too many stunted short sentences and descriptive prose which seems forced.
I'm exhausted, but in a good way, the exercise, fresh air, sun and relaxation helped me to rebalance. I was going to start working on the global project for a few hours tonight, but its 10:45 already, who am I kidding?
I am still extremely disappointed in myself, but sitting here kicking myself to the curb won't accomplish anything. Trying to get rebalanced and striving to be a better person, now that MIGHT accomplish something. There is no way I am going out tonight. I am happy in the prospect of spending quality time with my Dad and his gf tomorrow, and also taking the train so that I don't have to drive. Hmmmm I should check the weather in the morning because if it is nice, I could actually bring my bike on the train and then go biking with my Dad.
I don't know about cals. I mean 1000 cals in drinks at least plus the apres club grazefest was probably another 800 or so. Today, a salad+v8 @ lunch time (120), dinner was a homemade black bean burger complete with bun, mayo, and potato chips (700?). So if I count that as 2620IN for today, and bake in all that exercise, I am probably closer to 2100Net. I am simply too lazy to put it in the calculator, estimates are good enough. Scale weight back up to 125.
And so, an end to this day. I think I am going to sleep now.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 6 June 2009 09:12 am |
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those booots remind me so much of my boots. i  them!
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Beth
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 June 2009 11:10 am |
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I will always admire you for being able to walk in those boots.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 June 2009 03:22 pm |
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Beth wrote: I will always admire you for being able to walk in those boots.
Heh, its going to take a bit of practice, but I've never been so tall in my life. :)
Ah, Beth, I always think of you when I wake up early on a weekend morning, with my coffee, the birds outside, the sunlight in the yard, and C-Dog snoozing in a patch of sunlight. When I am at peace. How nice that I have that association with you my strong wise friend. :)
Just taking a few minutes here since I do need to do some real honest-to-goodness work for a few hours to make up for Friday, then off to Dad's. I slept like a rock last night, turned off the computer after that post and woke up at 7:30 this morning. Funny thing, I had my phone right here and woke up and thought to myself, I cannot recall the last time a weekend night went by and I didn't get a text from anybody. It felt strange. Then I actually picked up the phone and saw that Chris had texted @ 2:30, apparently he lost his phone for a bit so everything's fine. He'll be @ industrial night later, which I am having second thoughts about just because I need to be productive, rested, and on track, but I've had this event on my calendar for 6 weeks and it would be a shame to not go for a while. If I don't drink at it (thank you Pat dahling) I am sure I will be ready to come home relatively early. I am not going to #2 after, no no NO!
Sooo sore from yesterday's ride, I get it in the neck and shoulders, just from not being used to the position, plus the patchwork-repaired pavement in the city can be jarring in places where it is in bad shape. My legs ache a bit too. I guess I won't be getting in a workout today, but if I magically get my work done, I will squeeze in toning which I haven't done in a couple of days, before I leave to catch the train.
Gotta get this day started, I am so glad to be back on track again. How different my life would be, how much better I would feel about myself, if I could just stop medicating...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 June 2009 03:32 am |
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I'd like to think that I am just tired, residual effects from Thursday night, but the truth is, Michael says he is tired and doesn't want me stop over tonight and I cannot pretend that it doesn't matter. I am severely melancholy, riding alone on the train back from the suburbs, alone with my thoughts and with tears creeping into my eyes. OK so this is probably PMS too. I've texted with both Pitch and Chris and could have invited Chris over for company, but decided 'do nothing' was better. I am not really good company right now. I know I should just blow off event nite, stay in, and do some reading/writing and get a good nights' sleep so I can have a Super Sunday and do work tomorrow - but I won't. My head is buzzing again. I have to go get one of my little outfits on. I have to make a point of it that Michael can't get me down. What am I trying to prove? Seriously?
OK my stop is coming up I gotta run...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 June 2009 04:31 am |
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Back at the house, getting my gear and makeup on. Feeling a wee bit better, not much but just trying to work on my frame of mind before going out. This really is largely PMS, it must be, I know Michael was the catalyst, but its a pretty severe low and the timing is such. Well, I will go out, have a good time, stay sane, perhaps I will make some new friends, and potentially get in a little dancing to burn off the DQ hot fudge sundae my Dad and gf finally tempted me into. Good news for me, I stayed away from the popcorn and picked a healthy entree @ the chinese restaurant, while they ate buttery popcorn and had fried crabmeat/cream cheese appetizers. I wasn't impressed with their eating habits at all, in fact, I've never seen them be so unhealthy. It actually saddened me to see all the crud they were eating.
We saw the movie Hangover, and while there were a few very early instances of bad pacing and bad acting, pretty soon it took off on a solid and accelerating trajectory, crude at times, but downright hilarious. I enjoyed it a lot.
Here's to pulling it back together and having some fun Mol time and then getting a good nights' sleep tonight. I know I can do it.  Gnight all.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 June 2009 09:56 am |
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Industrial Strength
Now, that was fun. I did a bit of writing, had a bit of red wine and was listening to Portishead when I got a text from Chris just after 11 - "you want me to swing by and scoop you up?" That sounded just perfect. That's what I needed, a "scoop up" by a friend. He meant a ride of course, but it fit the bill for me emotionally as well. He came in for a bit of wine and chat then we headed out to the industrial event at this smallish place. There was a nice-sized crowd. Ian was there, and Carlton along with his new gf, who, I rather approve of.
I did meet a few people, nothing major though, and saw a regular from the old club, who I haven't seen in years, (not part of 'the' circle though). The music was awesome, I danced my legs off, I drank a ton of water, I was drenched in sweat. Was there for about 2.5 hours, don't know where the time went, cabbed it home. It was around 3, now it is nearly 4, again don't know where that time went either.
My legs are telling me that there won't be a Super Sunday tomorrow, but I will def want to get in my toning. I need to buckle down and work on the global project. But first, I gotta have a snack - I am starving!
Ugh, and even after all that dancing and sweating I am at 126.5. Bloat city. TTOTM. Go away please!!!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 June 2009 06:40 pm |
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Circling Overland
Saturday 2198IN/1963Net. Gawd, my legs ache, in the best possible sense. The weather conditions are good for a Super Sunday, but I can tell I need to rest my legs for now. Perhaps later on they will be up for a regular 3-miler.
Today, 476IN so far. Avoiding the scale.
Today is a pivotal day as far as I am concerned. Because the gauntlet was laid down by Steve and I've not been able to get myself focused on writing up this global project. Either I don't really want to do it (quite possible) or, I am so distracted by the other things in my life that it is not presetnly a good time for me to do it (also equally possible). The only thing that should matter right now is putting Mol back together like Humpty Dumpty. Instead these outside forces conspire to distract me and pull me in other directions and muddle up my priorities. I am really realizing this.
I cannot do it all at once. I am not superwoman. And I am crashing and burning on every front trying to meet all these expectations for my job/career. Once again the air traffic controller with too many planes and not enough runways to land them on. Eventually, something is going to crash. And when it crashes, its a pretty major freaking event. So....what can I do to get some of these planes on the ground? Or if you know a crash is inevitable, how do you chooese and then manage to live with the consequences of your decision? Do you save the most lives? Do you make sure that a Head of State gets landed safely even if there are fewer people on his/her plane?
Michael told me about samurai decision-making. Wow, decision-making. It should be simple, decisions must be made and you need to get on with it...somehow my modus operandi is always about 'preserving options' and resisting change instead of choosing a path and racing forward to see what is ahead. If only my mind's eye could see more clearly...Ugh. This overanalyzing mind of mine is really on a roll...
Front 242 - Circling Overland http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym5SyuxgQ-o
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 June 2009 01:10 am |
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Well I guess I have my answer - sort of. I've spend the bulk of the day literally just catching up on many things, trying to land some planes, but smaller, necessary stuff and not the 777's. And all personal stuff, nothing for work - bills, insurance stuff, sorting thru a pile of miscellaneous junk.
SB asked me to hockey and I declined, as I am at least making some progress. Still I do not relish the thought of going back to work tomorrow and not having made a dent, nor a prioritization, in everything bogging me down there. But its clear enough that my personal life is the priority and work/career just simply isn't.
I made and ate pasta and turkey sausage for dinner along with a salad, and frankly ate what I wanted of it. I want my legs to feel better and feel the need to go for a run later, even if it is dark and not ideal for safety. I am full and bloated and know that my weigh-in tomorrow wont be good. My TTOTM is ticking me off, I have all the symptoms but it hasn't come and the last two cycles, the first skipped altogether and the second lasted about a day and a half. This is getting old, nothing is a constant in my life.
Speaking of which - Pat - you had me thinking last night about anchors in life and I've really had two which were long term, . My mom, and L who came into my life when I was 24 and for 15 years. My mom died in 2002 and I ended up deciding finally to marry L later that year. So now without either of them, I have no anchor. Being atheist, I cannot turn to my 'faith' as so many others do. And I am in such flux over my career, friends, guys, interests, well....it would be nice to have an ephiphany and say "yep, that's the answer" but it hasn't come, and I don't really expect it to take that form, just be more of a process. But it sure is painful, both for me to live through, and for the people who care about me to witness.
After a mostly okay day, I've again become melancholy about Michael. His attentions to me have gone from incredible intensity to marked indifference. I knew this was a temporary thing, and that I was using him to fill a void, but I do miss his attentions, the way he made me feel, strong and desirable and adventurous and...well frankly he's a pretty cool and interesting guy and artistic and knows a lot of intresting people too... ...I guess if I had other cool dudes lined up for my phone # I would still feel pretty awesome, but I don't, and so now I just feel stupid and boring and ugly again.... I miss that feeling, that thrill, that excitement...#%@&!. I can't believe the tears are welling...not over him exactly....but over the idea of him. Pretty fundamental need, I guess, to be with a someone you respect, who you find interesting, and attractive, and who makes you feel good about yourself. I knew this was coming though, hopefully it won't be too difficult for me to get over...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 June 2009 02:39 am |
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Ok, you know, The Smiths are one of those amazing bands, who manage thru the art of lyrics, vocal, and guitar, to capture incredible emotional depth, and at certain times, well, sometimes a song can say it so much better than words...
The Smiths - I Know It's Over http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2e4V3Xh17w
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well. Enough said.
I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Oh ...
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me ?
Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
(Though she needs you
More than she loves you)
And I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Over and over and over and over
Over and over, la ...
I know it's over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said :
"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight ?
I know ...
'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
Over, over, over, over
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Over, over
Love is Natural and Real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Love is Natural and Real
But not for such as you and I, my love
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ...
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can even feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ...
The Smiths - You Just Haven't Earned It Yet, Baby http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVmlpuaXLMc
If you're wondering why
All the love that you long for eludes you
And people are rude and cruel to you
I'll tell you why
I'll tell you why
I'll tell you why
I'll tell you why
You just haven't earned it yet, baby
You just haven't earned it, son
You just haven't earned it yet, baby
You must suffer and cry for a longer time
You just haven't earned it yet, baby
And I'm telling you now ...
If you're wondering why
When all I wanted from life was to be Famous
I have tried for so long, it's all gone wrong
I'll tell you why
I'll tell you why
I'll tell you why
I'll tell you why
But you wouldn't believe me
You just haven't earned it yet, baby
You just haven't earned it, son
You just haven't earned it yet, baby
You must suffer and cry for a longer time
You just haven't earned it yet, Baby
And I'm telling you now ...
I'll tell you why
I'll tell you why
Today I am remembering the time
When they pulled me back
And held me down
And looked me in the eyes and said
You just haven't earned it yet, baby
You just haven't earned it, my son
You just haven't earned it yet, baby
You must stay on your own for slightly longer
You just haven't earned it yet baby
And I'm telling you now ...
You just haven't earned it yet, baby
Oh ...
You just haven't earned it yet, baby
Oh ...
Oh
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 June 2009 04:00 am |
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Mol wrote:
Speaking of which - Pat - you had me thinking last night about anchors in life and I've really had two which were long term, . My mom, and L who came into my life when I was 24 and for 15 years. My mom died in 2002 and I ended up deciding finally to marry L later that year. So now without either of them, I have no anchor. Being atheist, I cannot turn to my 'faith' as so many others do. And I am in such flux over my career, friends, guys, interests, well....it would be nice to have an ephiphany and say "yep, that's the answer" but it hasn't come, and I don't really expect it to take that form, just be more of a process. But it sure is painful, both for me to live through, and for the people who care about me to witness.
Yeah Mol, I know! Knowing I believe, and what an anchor that is to me....... and knowing that you don't, and hearing/seeing the turmoil you are going through......and knowing that God loves you so much, and wants you to know Him and wants to take away your pain and insecurities...............well, Mol, it often makes me feel like my heart's being shredded when I see your pain, and I cry for you, and I wish I could be there to tell you about the joy and love in my heart, and how easily you could have that too! I wish I could help, Mol 
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suenos
Moderator
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Posted: 8 June 2009 05:07 am |
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Hey woman! Just catching up with you and had a random thought (like all my thoughts are logical and not random right?.)...when you mentioned your period, it crossed my mind that you have a lot of symptoms of being perimenopausal - difficulty sleeping, fuzzy thinking and inability to focus, short term memory problems, anxiety, mood swings, etc. - basically what happens when your hormones start going wonky.... a lot of women don't think about the "peri" part, just think "I'm way too young for menopause" and don't even have it checked so I thought I'd throw it out there as something you might consider having your gyno check for ya.
Have a great week!!!!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 June 2009 05:08 am |
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At 8:50, I decided I'd better motor if I was going to get a run in. Belly still uncomfortably fullll because I also ate a couple of mini-english-muffin-ham-and-cheese-wiches after dinner tonight, (really just going with the flow on the whole eating thing today, can't fight hormones). And man, its amazing how much easier it is to run, how much more energy my legs have, when I've had a nice pasta dinner and plenty to eat. Finished the first 3.1M 2.85J/0.25W in 33:39 and just decided to keep on going until I was tired. So I grabbed some water and kept on walking but the storm hit and I had to end it at an additional 0.75M 13:05. If the storm cell blows over soon I am going back out. It's the best thing I can do with myself right now, with the possible exception of a good cry-out to just get it out of my system.
Well ha ha it was just a storm cell did blow over and I popped back out of here like a rabbit to do another 2.0M in about 26:00. I was actually in mind and mood to keep going another 4.15 miles to finish the Super Sunday 10-miler, when I hit uneven sidewalk (thank you kind neighbor) and rolled my right ankle. The ankle is OK, but the knee hurts a bit and so does my back. There is certainly more of a risk running at night when the trees are full of leaves and block light from the streetlamps from reaching the sidewalk, I usually watch the footing pretty close but admittedly at that precise moment my mind was elsewhere. We'll see how I am in the morning.
As usual, getting in a workout was a bit of a mood enhancer, I am sure completing the 10 miles would have felt nice. As it is, 5.8M and 1:09:44 is decent and although it doesn't erase the vast amounts of food I've consumed this weekend, I sure feel a lot better than if I'd sat around on my rear doing nothing.
I haven't yet figured out what to tell Steve in the morning. I guess I'd better think about that while I am in the shower.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 June 2009 05:58 am |
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Pat, thanks dear, I appreciate your support, even though my beliefs are so very different.
Suenos, I was just recently at the gyne and she knows about a lot of these symptoms, what 'testing' are they supposed to actually do? I've thought for years much of my challenges were hormonally related and no one seems to think it possible or worthwhile to actually monitor the hormones in your system on a daily or weekly basis...perhaps it is cost prohibitive to do things like that.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 June 2009 06:39 am |
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The Overpass
One last experiential entry. It concerns the nearby highway overpass, with its many lanes and ramps of inbound and outbound traffic, along with the curving el tracks on their way out to the airport...the one I wrote about before, with the travelers hurrying on to their destinations while I was trapped, careworn, exhausted, burdened...just over a year ago that was...when L was incapacitated after the surgery.
Last night walking back from the train, at night in the dark, with my melancholy thoughts, I paused in that same spot again. I felt the passage of time, and the frustration and emptiness I have now, I felt angry, angry that a year has passed and how much change and unheaval I have gone through to try to save my own life, and yet there I still was a year later, still standing in that same spot on that bridge, while everyone else hurried on to their destinations. Still stuck in life. I moved onward without lingering long, that short moment spoke a simple truth.
And then tonight, when I went back out for the second time, I headed over that way, off the usual track for my neighborhood runs, but not really thinking about it, just gravitating toward the well-lit area. I went over the overpass and into the view of the El, and was gripped by an impulse to just go get on the train and ride, ride ride ride all night until I was tired of riding and had figured things about. Perhaps I should have just done so.
In any event, I passed by, made it to the other side, then started crossing back. And suddenly I found myself there again, that same spot along the fence, that same view, head and taillights streaming white and red respectively, an endless, hypnotic stream of light in motion, set against a backdrop of train tracks gracefully curving toward the left out to the airport. Traffic was thinner on a Sunday night, fewer travellers for me to be resentful of, and yet suddenly I wanted to break something. I had a strong desire to hurl my water bottle or my very body against that fence...smashing, lashing out in anger and frustration at my own impotence in life, my own inability to reach conclusions, make decisions, move onward, and become part of the streaming bustle. Metaphorically, those many thousands of people are all moving on to somewhere and I am fragilely clinging to a little cocoon of an existence, because I cannot figure out whether I want to be coming or going or what my next destination should be.
I've said before, I have this terrible fear of failing to realize my potential in this life; I have to belive that all this upheaval, pain, doubt, fear, anxiety, and change, will eventually be worthwhile, and necessary to what I need yet to accomplish - believing anything else would, frankly, be pretty devastating. But I sure wish some things would become clearer and I could get a sense of forward motion going...
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50lbs2lose
New Member
| Joined: | 24 July 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 383 |
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Posted: 8 June 2009 11:58 am |
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| mol, just wanted to stop in and tell you I completely understand the inadaquacy, insecurity, and frustration you are feeling! I believe it is called "the fatal flaw of mankind". And ya know what? All those cars passing, seeming going somewhere, go through the same exact things you are. They might deal with it differently but the flaw of fallen human beings is ever before them. Where is the hope to change? Keep searching. Go cry out like you said. I'm sure in your desperation you will get an answer. I did.
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 June 2009 03:51 pm |
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Speaking as one of those peri-menopausal women Suenos was talking about, it's the pits! I can't imagine menopause itself being worse than this!  I could wonder why I didn't think to mention that Mol, but that answer is obvious..........my thinking gets fuzzed, and then I can't remember!
Have you ever journaled.........or gone back through your diary, to see if these "rocketship" episodes coincide with TTOM? Or any of the other major troubles in your life? Or those introspective moments?
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 June 2009 06:55 pm |
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Rational-Emotional Currents
I should probably go more closely over the history but there are so many possible factors including TTOTM and other factors that I am not sure it is clear. It's almost a chicken and egg - does TTOTM/hormones make me more susceptible, or do they just get the blame when my emotions take off? That's why I was wondering if there is something more fact-based, like blood tests for hormone levels or something, that can be used in connection with a journal.
In any event, I stayed home from the office today, I used my strained ankle as an excuse to work from home. In reality, I didn't fall asleep last night until after 2 and the alarm went off @ 6; and I though I reset it, but it never went off again and I woke up at 8. So at least I got sleep. I am getting some work done, or I should say that I was - until I started thinking about Michael again and just wishing for some form of communciation, some form of closure, something...and just thinking about it my brain started buzzing again, my face is fuzzy, my focus is gone, it's simply just emotions running amok. I know I never learned to manage my emotions. And, #1 on the list of emotions for me = guys. The last thing I need to do is to talk with Michael while I am in this state yet I want to more than ever...what do I really think I will happen though, will I really walk from the next conversation feeling less rejection, or more?
I suppose I am doing better than if I had allowed myself to get emotionally involved, right? (LOL - that is a joke at my own self). Still, at least I knew what this was all along, and that is something i did right. Alright, I need to get into RMM, and manage much better than I did on Thursday. Indeed, I am already feeling a wee bit better after getting this down. End of post, onward, time to get some work done. 
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 June 2009 08:22 pm |
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I ordered out lunch because I have no food in the house and didn't feel up to grocery shopping; in fact I ordered online and having Peapod delivery tomorrow eve.
The food got here, and between something that happened at work and Michael, I just flipping pigged out and ate as much as I could of broasted chicken - including skin - and southwestern salad including the bacon strips. It's not my style to purge and I am not entertaining it, but just want to stick a pillow over my head and crawl into a fetal position and turn off all the noise and stress I am feeling.
I should seriously reconsider taking a leave of absence from my job.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 June 2009 10:13 pm |
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Crescendo
I just spoke with Steve via phone, he phoned in response to an email I sent him. The same old tap-dancing around, there's other "stuff" going on, personal stuff, just "life", because of course he is getting paid by my employer after all. Can't exactly tell him the nature of my issues (the drinking, the self-esteem, the guy-craziness, the body image and little black dresses) or that I feel like I am teetering on the verge of the abyss. I've told him I know I don't want to keep doing what I am doing today for a job/career (example: the renegade situation I've spent 2 hours dealing with today and still not done, clock ticking), but also that I do not know if my failure to focus on global is because I don't really want it (i.e. I am running away from my current job and not running towards a specific goal) or if its just because I am dealing with other things right now and its all just too much. I simply. dont. know.
Of course he took the heat off me in terms of not getting this project done, he wants me to just do little bits to build momentum, but actually I've tried that before and it has not worked. It really does require immersion time and a well though out and presented proposal work product.
I hung up the phone and cried and came here, still crying. I am really down in the dumps today. I am trying to also get ready for a staff meeting tomorrow and tie up some loose ends and do some planning before I show up there. I have to have it together, I cannot let the team down, they need and deserve leadership.
I know that coming here and writing and spinning and spilling it all out on the page is not really a way forward. Its just a different form of medicating my emotions. Just as running and alcohol and eating are. They are all crutches.
I know there are lots of other people out there like me. I am not so special as to think I am unique in my insecurities or frailties. I am so envious of people who are so confident, so together, so focused. I have so much in my life, but I am missing the essentials...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 June 2009 01:29 am |
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I went for a walk, in spite of the multiple crises erupting for work, staying here was killing me. [The knee and ankle do need a little recovery from last night]. I deliberately went back to the overpass in broad daylight, on the way there tears threatening to burst through my thin layer of composure in full public view. I swallowed hard and repeatedly shook my head to chase them back.
Once there, I stood and watched the rush hour traffic below me. Which as you can guess, for the most part, wasn't rushing anywhere. Cars stopping and going, I could see down in thru the sunroofs and windshields. And guess what. Most of those people didn't look happy to me. Folks with their handsfree earpieces glued to their heads, on the phone trying to stay entertained, or take care of leftover work, or deal with the nanny issue or the car repairs, or the kids homework issues while time relentlessly marches on for them, also. Commuting is not a happy thing Motion = happy; lack of motion = frustration. Hmmmmmmmm....
I am not sure that it is a happy notion knowing that so many other people are unhappy either...its actually a pretty sad, bleak prospect and I am fairly certain that my path to happiness does not match those people's lives...I guess that is something. Anyway I finally filmed the images on my mobile phone camera and then took my stifled sobs and walked back past the house, and on toward the convenience store. Where, I finally laid on a secluded park bench and let the sobs start coming. Then, before I'd really gotten my cry out, EF called and we spent about 20 minutes talking. She and I frankly share a lot of the same insecurities and subconscious people-pleasing personalities and we had a good talk about it which brought me back out of the pit. I was really on about not hearing from Michael. I said to her "How can a guy affect so much how I feel about myself one day versus the next - I am not any more or less attractive, or smart or whatever than I was a week ago." She said "I don't know, but you said the exact same thing when - what's his name, the guy from the club - ("D" I prompted) - right "D" - you said the exact same thing when it ended with him too." From the mouths of friends. I know that is right, but having a good friend say it to me, rings loud.
Ironically, 10 minutes later I did hear from Michael, via text, at first I felt better but it ended up being a short little exchange and nothing other than what he might send to a friend. He's still got no leads on a job and seems more than a little disheartened. Fine. I'll continue to just leave this huge open space because I think he just doesn't want to deal with me right now. If he doesn't want to be with me, then he doesn't, forcing him to talk about it won't change a thing.
Steve buzzed back while I was on with EF but I couldn't click over, he certainly must have sensed today that something was seriously wrong, it sucks that I cannot really talk to him, in a way he understands me pretty well, and I think he reads between the lines pretty well also.
So anyway here is the plan for the rest of the evening, trying to restore some balance so I can restart tomorrow bright and early and with a more even keel:
1. Do toning.
2. Get out of the house; go to Starbucks (decaf)
3. At Starbucks, work on the airplane list, so I can talk with Dr. B about this tomorrow. Figure out which of the airplanes are real, honest-to-goodness
4. Skip tonight's weigh in. I am officially postponing it until Thursday.
5. Quit posting on CPH. It's already 7:30. Duh. Dilbert.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 June 2009 05:00 am |
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A Better Hour
For what it is worth, that hour @ Starbucks was great. It's nice when they brew up decaf for me, and pleasant that I get to hang out and talk while it brews. The whole ambiance of the place is warm and inviting, and it was not crowded, and quiet, which is the best. Then The The "This is the Day" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X43ZyUGOPyw comes on the sound system and I get lifted the rest of the way out of my funk. One of my all time favorite songs, and one that always makes me feel like I am moving onward toward good things in life.
I got in some writing in the Book of Mol, mostly a rehash of some things that have come out here in the last couple of days. But the cool thing that happened was the result of my printer no working before I left the house. I spent 25 minutes and couldn't get my to-do list to print. So I went without it and just had my calendar and worked from memory and the important stuff rose to the top and things just started sorting themselves out and I got a ton of good, positive, things scheduled out with friends (not with GUYS with the possible exception of Pitch) like trips, and coffee meetups, and the Irish Festival and even a ballgame this Friday. It's like clarity started spewing out of my mind onto paper and I am shortly now going to finish transferring it to my official calendar on the computer. Not nearly done, but on the right path.
So in short, I am feeling loads better again and thank goodness because this day was just emotionally horrid. Hormones? Again, who knows. Today was day 29. I've been around 24 recently. I think I may be skipping it again.
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suenos
Moderator
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Posted: 9 June 2009 06:28 am |
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Hey Mol! I wasn't going to log onto CPH tonight because I have a small stack of paperwork that I have to get done so I can fax it out by 9am - good times! But, for some reason you crossed my mind and I thought I'd check up on ya! I hate it for you that you're having such a hard time right now chica.
1) yea, there's a couple ways your doc can check your homone leels for an indication that you're peri, one is a simple saliva test. If you've never been tested before, you don't have a baseline to go by, but if you've got a good "work with ya" kinda gyno she/he can take a couple of tests over a period of time and put 2+2 together with your own records of changes in your cycle and any related pattern of sleep/cognitive difficulties...the thing is there are treatment options, both natural and pharma which can make a big difference - so, IMO, it's worth ruling it out as a factor if even a part of what you're going through has a 100% physical rather than emotional basis.
2) man, on the "happiness" thing. I know what you mean about not taking comfort in knowing that lots of other people are unhappy and/or have similar or worse problems. And I also know exactly what you mean when you say it sometimes looks like everybody "else" is busy humming along doing/having everything all together. Honestly though, it's just like weight loss. Comparing ourselves to people who are fitter/fatter ultimately makes zero difference in our own body. In the end it just comes down to how much/little we are willing to do the work on our bodies...like if you devour a whole bag of chip I'm not gonna gain a pound and if you go for a five mile run I'm not gonna lose an ounce. Only what I DO myself s gonna make a single bit of difference to MY BODY so why bother comparing? It might make me FEEL better/worse, but, at the end of the day, it's not really important.
EXCEPT surrounding yourself with happy, positive people will help make you a happier more positive person and vice versa (ha - I can quote studies to prove it! seriously). It's like if you go running with someone of a lower fitness level/motivation and half way in they're all "I'm tired, this is hard, let's stop" you feel your own energy draining - but if you go running with someone who's a little fitter or just more psyched about running, even if you feel like quitting you'll usually end up stepping your own game up to meet theirs.
.....and (of course 'cause there's ALWAYS an "and") I feel you on the job thing. Even though a lot has changed and I'm loving, my job TODAY, there was a whole year long, "kill me now" period when I hated going to bed at night because it meant I had to get up and go to work again in the morning. But I gotta tell ya Mol, right now I know A LOT of really smart, well educated, hard working people who have been laid off and are finding it darned near impossible to find new jobs at their old salaries - heck, or even new jobs at all. Florida is probably much worse than Chicago because so much of our economy is tied into the housing/construction industry - but still. As a friend I'd suggest you think long and hard and then think again about doing anything right now that would negatively effect your work. Boys, clothes, clubbing, etc are fun (and I'm a fan of all of 'em) - but having a steady, dependable income and being considered a MVP in this economy trumps everything x 2.
Okay, chica, off my soap box now on onto my pile of paperwork that is sitting there staring at me....if paper could talk it would be saying "any time now Mrs. Procrastinator, any 'ol time now"....
...luv ya babe and sending seriously positive vibes your way.
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 June 2009 03:14 pm |
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Man, Suenos.............you are a wise woman! Are you sure you aren' t really about 65 years old? You have got it together.
I'm glad you brought up the "and", cause Mol, when I hear you talk about work I do think to myself, that I wish you appreciated more the fact that you have a job. I hope you do everything you can to keep it!
Remember, out of the last 18 months.........my hubs has worked only 5 1/2 months! He wants a job so bad.........he goes to the companies every single week looking for work! At least we have my income, but he made more than me.........so even with unemployment, we are bringing home just over half of what we were living on! The only trip we can plan is to our daughter's where we can stay at their house, and eat at least 2 meals a day with them. When the hubs is laid off, it's a good time to take a vacation.............except for the money aspect..........lack of it being the problem! 
Sometimes we forget to stop and count our blessings!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 June 2009 01:28 am |
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Holy #%@&! people. Consider yourselves warned before you read this...
Approved
Wow. That was fast. Just last night I applied for membership in the Church of the Emotional F*cktards and today, I was officially approved. I am a flipping card-carrying member. No joke. As in, today, Dr. B made a new pronouncement after listening to my recap of the last 5 days, how I went on the Rocketship again Thursday night over Michael, and sabotaged my work on Friday, how I was bumming on the train Saturday and then up and having a blast @ industrial night Saturday night, then back down in the pits over Michael on Sunday and Monday - only to come back out of it on a real roll last night - that, and the fact that I don't know what "normal" Mol feels like....
...coupled with all the other stuff over the last months, dating back to the euphoria of Munich...the Rocketships, the buzzing face and dizzy head, the "ohm", the impulsive self-destructive behaviour, the medicating with alchohol, the creating my own excitement with the dresses and boots and clubbing and texting...
Yes, today, Dr. B has informed me that she is diagnosing me bi-polar.
DING-DING-DING-DING. I win the stupid effing prize now, oh boy.
Hormones, the cause - oh no, just contributors. Emotions, the cause - oh they are real, but extreme. Repressing for 15 years coming out - nope, she's not buying that either.
On the one hand, there's no way I want to even attempt to validate this. I know I am hormonal and I know I am emotional and I know I have been repressed and am making up for lost time. On the other hand, it makes a lot of sense to explain why I go on the Rocketships and cannot control my behavior. I am back in the same mode I was so many years ago, before complacency, acceptance, adult life, and the stability of L sucked me into the Great Sleep, the Great Depression, which consumed most of my adult life.
I feel angry with Dr. B although I know she truly wouldn't be going there without a lot of careful thought. I can tell she's been leading up to this. But sure was a bomb she dropped.
Next week I go for a consult with the meds Dr. who is going to be asked to give a confirming opinion, and then I will have to face a choice. Walk away from Dr. B who I have been with for 15 months now, or start taking meds which will change the essence of who I am. I need my creativity, I need my outlet, I need to feel alive. I cannot bear the thought of getting on some drug, some adult Ritalyn, which is supposed to make me not feel, not experience, so much.
Excuse me, but F*ck This.
Oh, and I've heard from Michael and from Pitch both this afternoon and am not responding, I could honestly give a flying hoot about either one of them. I went for a rage of a workout, best I could with tense ankles, 5.3m run/walk in 1:09 in my woods. If my legs would have let me, it would have been 10 miles easily.
Now I am home waiting for Peapod, I had dinner (I was going to fast) and am having a glass of wine and trying to figure out what to do with myself for the rest of the evening.
I cried a bit, but mostly am just feeling really agitated and angry right now. How can this really happen to someone at 40 years of age? And, its like this dirty little secret I'll have to hide from everyone.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 June 2009 05:54 am |
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Forced Aura of Calm
I crashed from exhaustion for about 2 hours and now got back up for a bit. I didn't get enough sleep last night and I do need to get some tonight.
I did a little bit of reading up on bipolar and while some aspects of me match the textbook definition, some things don't, like the frequency/duration of my mood swings. So...I am not going to rush into anything here in terms accepting the diagnosis or the meds. I need to keep an open mind though.
My text went off a few minutes ago, I couldn't bring myself to not peek. Michael. I am so not dealing with him tonight. I am so not dealing with anyone or anything, and just eating too much. I am sure I have put 2 pounds back on over the past week. Not in control over the eating at all. So, starting right now, I start over and will simply break the pattern and have my normal brekkie-lunch-dinner tomorrow.
I got a sweet message from a friend in Charlotte and folks there are conspiring to get me to come down for a visit. Perhaps I can get down there for a weekend. Right now I am squirreling my vacation days away and need to get serious about Iceland or it is not going to happen this year. And, I think it is important, to my journey of finding and fulfilling myself, to make this trip happen I find I don't mind the prospect of going to the UK alone since I know people there, but I am a little intimidated about doing Iceland on my own for something close to 2 weeks. Still, once I do some more digging and planning I'll be fine and perhaps I can find a singles tour or something. Matter of fact, think I will go to Amazon now and order pop up/laminated maps and a Frommer's or Fodor's, those are always great tools to move me forward. Great idea.
Gonna go now so I can get back to sleep soon. I'd say 'to bed' but I'd be lying. There are clothes all over the bed which need to be hung up and I'm too lazy to do it now.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 June 2009 06:52 am |
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InaccessibL
I couldn't sleep so booted back up. Thought to check L's page on the networking site and see that's he's completely blocked me again. Funny, the past couple of weeks we've barely spoken, and when we did it was all business, very brief, he's cut me off again. Not that it matters as much as it used to, thankfully, but it makes me sad. I can finally say he's not my best friend any more. The emotional separation has taken place. We are both presumably going to be at the same graduation party on Saturday, so I will see how things go then, perhaps I can find out what is going through his mind.
ETA: I figured out that L made the change very recently, since Sunday, because I remember each of us had commented on DJ M's post, and I went back and looked at it and now his comments are no longer visible to me. Perhaps he was @ #2 over the weekend and someone told him about me being there with Michael on Thursday; this would be the most likely scenario but guess I won't know til I talk with him.
Also interestingly, my house phone rang @ 6:30 this AM, it was a personal trainer from the gym confirming L's appointment later in the day. Our home # was still on record at the gym for him. I gave her L's new #. But I find it interesting that suddenly now he has an appointment with a personal trainer. Maybe he's finally getting serious about getting in shape. Maybe he's #%@&! I am seeing someone. Maybe cutting the cord with me is going to make it easier for him to focus on the future and moving forward. If that is the case, then, good for him.
Last edited on 10 June 2009 07:57 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 June 2009 12:43 pm |
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I don't normally post before work on a weekday but two things I need to get down.
I've for a while now been thinking about a new tattoo, about my two existing dragon tattoos, and saying to myself and others that I want something that integrates the other two, but not another dragon, because "I am just not that angry any more". Monday on the way to the overpass, for the first time it struck me - you know, I really am angry, I didn't realize I had all this anger in me. And then again yesterday, during and after Dr. B dropping the bomb, and since, I've felt true anger, in its raw form. I cannot recall the last time I felt just this angry, period.
This morning letting the shower beat down on me, I looked over at the transparent curtain liner, and noticed the tiny little dots of water clinging to it. No pattern, none quite the same size or spacing, just a display of beautiful tiny little randomness. And I wondered to myself, is this the last time I am going to notice things like this? I who see wonder in snowflakes and taillights, who thrills when the windshield wipers move in time with the music, who hears a song as a soundtrack to so much in life? Dappled sunlight and bursting green trees upon bursting green grass upon muddy brown riverbank as if it were nearly a living, breathing, thing? The proposition seems to be, to give up that edge of vibrance, of feeling, of intensity. It would be like going red-green color blind or losing the high/low frequency of your hearing as you age. You still have most of your capacity, but you lose the edge that really allows you to be different, to experience and express yourself., to live to your full capacity as a human being...
OK. I gotta get going to work...
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John Deere Doug
Senior Member
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Posted: 10 June 2009 05:17 pm |
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Mol, I have been very busy and something poped in my head telling me to check up on you. WOW...I have not read everything and caught up. What I have read is all over the chart though.
Here is a suggestion I gave a friend after she had her divorce many years ago. Transfer or find a new job in another city and get out of there and start your life over. It worked for her.
You have too much baggage around there. AND GET OFF THE BOOZE. Not even a sip.
Now that I have scolded you. I am having another cook out this week end. Come on down.
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 10 June 2009 05:31 pm |
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Mol wrote:
I did a little bit of reading up on bipolar and while some aspects of me match the textbook definition, some things don't, like the frequency/duration of my mood swings.
Mol, I did the same thing last night, after I read your post......lots more out there to read about, than I had time for, but I thought the same thing, after the little I read.
But, one of the drugs mentioned (not the first choice) was Wellbutrin, which you already have a prescription for. Could that account for some of the differences?
I think you are right to take this slow and easy. Don't jump into anything right away...think this through. There seem to be varying degrees of being bi-polar.....different severities.
Take a deep breath!
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50lbs2lose
New Member
| Joined: | 24 July 2008 |
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| Posts: | 383 |
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Posted: 10 June 2009 08:03 pm |
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I've said many times that I could related to what you go through, rocketships and all. My momuse to call me Dr Jeckel and Mr Hyde.
Before she died when I was helping her a year a go she responded to me after I recounted an incedent with someone, "oh yeah you and your bipolar syndrome". I cracked up laughing because I thought yeah, just like society, they have to have a label to place on those who are a bit extreme in our emotions! But today when I was a little intense in communicating with one of the women about a situation and my son came into the kitcen being a bit outrageous, she turned to me and and said "your children are just like like you passioante and full of zeal!" it's all in perspective my dear. Do what your heart is telling you not someone who is paid to level you out. You are who you are. You are who your creator( whether you believe He exists or not) made you to be. Maybe He is trying to reach somthing deeper in you.
Have a nice day.
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50lbs2lose
New Member
| Joined: | 24 July 2008 |
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| Posts: | 383 |
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Posted: 10 June 2009 08:03 pm |
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I've said many times that I could related to what you go through, rocketships and all. My momuse to call me Dr Jeckel and Mr Hyde.
Before she died when I was helping her a year a go she responded to me after I recounted an incedent with someone, "oh yeah you and your bipolar syndrome". I cracked up laughing because I thought yeah, just like society, they have to have a label to place on those who are a bit extreme in our emotions! But today when I was a little intense in communicating with one of the women about a situation and my son came into the kitcen being a bit outrageous, she turned to me and and said "your children are just like like you passioante and full of zeal!" it's all in perspective my dear. Do what your heart is telling you not someone who is paid to level you out. You are who you are. You are who your creator( whether you believe He exists or not) made you to be. Maybe He is trying to reach somthing deeper in you.
Have a nice day.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 June 2009 01:28 am |
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I appreciate everything everyone has posted, truly.
Suenos, with all your work to do and still staying up late to offer up support - gee, Chica....thanks. I know what you and Pat are saying about keeping your job - but honestly, I was initially told that I had a pretty good lawsuit against my company for PTSD, the things I put up with went on for years...in any event, I am at the point where I've not been able to voluntarily leave; getting fired is probably just as good as any method of forcing me to move on to other things. I am not worried. I have a fairly extensive rainy day fund and would qualify for unemployment. I am more worried about just getting going down the "right" track.
Suenos, about surrounding yourself with "happy people" - no doubt that is true. I actually had reached out today to a gal from work I like (the one who had the St. Patty's day party) who exudes positive energy about going to a ballgame Friday - she can't - but just messaging back and forth with her was infectious! I am always amazed, grateful, humbled, and inspired by the positive people in my life [present company included]. Why I have an affinity, then, for those who have a dark streak, is one of those mysteries of the heart I may never understand.
Its funny there are so many possible explanations but there really is no 'scientific method' for process of elimination - mental, emotional, hormonal/cycles, sleep deprivation, sunlight deprivation, vitamin imbalance, toxicity, allergies, etc etc. I think it is a function of all these "specialists" in the medical community who treat a "part" of a person or a particular disease state - who is responsible for the holistic view? After all, I am a human being, I am more than just the sum of my parts.
Doug - thanks for the whipping and I'm on the next plane. Pick me up at the airport tomorrow morning. Hanging out with normal people doing normal things like a bbq away from all my toxic influences is what the doctor ordered. Time for me to get away...this is dedicated to you my friend:
Lenny Kravitz Fly Away 50lbs2lose wrote:
"your children are just like like you passioante and full of zeal!" it's all in perspective my dear.
Thank you. I am not crazy, I am rational, creative, beautiful, inspiring, and "quirky". LOL Having had a little time to digest this, I am inclined to stand up and just say "no". Because the creative side of me is the side that needs, wants to come out and be explored right now. Yes, I need to manage better, but I don't buy that it is bipolar, I think most of my emotional swings are triggered by either guys, or circumstances at my job. I know bipolar means that my moods just go to extreme, Dr. B was at pains to explain that moods and emotions are not the same thing (whaaaa?) but I still don't get how in reality you can separate them. I refuse to be 'evened out' or numbed. I gotta buckle down and really develop, and master, an effective RMM (Rocketship Management Mode) methodology.
All right, there are some other things I am going to write about today and I'll start a separate entry.
Last edited on 11 June 2009 01:35 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 June 2009 02:21 am |
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OK, I am going to keep this short, or try, that's challenging for me lately.
1. I am on my second (and last) glass of wine.
2. I did reasonably okay eating all day including a salad for dinner, and then pigged out once I started drinking the wine.
3. The trigger for this is - you guessed it - Michael. I guess I was holding out hope that he was just in a funk, but....anyway today I left it "the ball is in your court" and I will be surprised if I get anything further except the occasional friendly hello. Sucks but I have to have a little outward dignity too, even if inside I am soooo wanting him to come 'round. I still really do give these guys so much influence over my moods, its like I am addicted to...attraction I guess. That's probably a theme for a very interesting not-for-all-ages ramble some time.
4. After I got home, I learned that someone died today. J. I wrote about her one time in my old journal. She was in h.s. in the band with me and S and Andrew, we spent quite a bit of our daily lives together for those 4 years. She was only 39 and had 5 kids and a husband. She was diagnosed only last summer with ALS (Lou Gherig's disease) and while they thought she might live up to 5 years, it moved very quickly and she was in the hospital 10 days ago, went home on Sunday or Monday to pass on. Weekend before last S spent the day with J and her family. S read our personal notes to J and then hung a graduation day picture of the four of us on the wall where J could see it; she was very happy to hear from us. I will think about that, always, even though we hadn't spoken in 20 years, how that little gesture meant a lot. I will never forget her, or her fun, happy disposition, either.
5. This is just a good song that is new to me, i heard on the radio tonight.
Bell - Echinacea http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4SuUCnmHfg
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 June 2009 03:57 am |
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Alright. I also forgot to mention that I am under the weather, swollen glands in my neck, white swollen tongue, sore throat, gums hurt, a little muck in my lungs, occasional trouble breathing, temp between 97.2 and 98.1 - eh - not trying to complain, rather, just get things down.
I still haven't had TTOTM and the symptoms I think are starting to abate. Looks like I may have skipped again. Yippee-skippee (pun intended).  More proof something is just messed up with this bod of mine.
So I really came back here quite a while ago to try identify a couple of constructive things to do while on the Rocketship, with 1.5 glasses of wine and a goodly amount of rejection to stew in. I was thinking along the lines of oh, writing to friends I haven't talked to in a while (IK, SF, IR) to say 'thinking of you'. Updating my to-do list. Instead, what do I do in my agitation? The quick fix - pick up the phone and send out texts, Chris and Ian, just a 'How's your week" kind of thing. I guess I was seeking communication, a friendly 'voice' in a manner of speaking, more medication, lest I be alone with all-too-powerful thoughts. Then in the middle of the texts the phone rings, and its L. We had traded messages earlier today, I needed to see if he could help me track down the electrician who was here 2 years ago. Talking to him provided a much-needed a shot in the arm. He was in a mood to chat decently so we did for about 15 minutes, and so I asked him about being distant, and also about changing my visibility on the networking site. The being distant is that yeah, sometimes he doesn't want to talk to me. The networking site wasn't directed at me, it is because he has ***started getting earnest about his job search***!!! and wants to ensure no one except his 'friends' can see his stuff. Right on!
Oh, I did order my Iceland books and map last night and had them sent 2-day so I'd have them to look at no later than Frida. I can see that this next four days will be void of any particular male attention/anticipation for the first time in months, and while it shouldn't matter, it just plain does. Even Pitch is going to be out of town. I am bloated from overeating and I didn't tone today and my tummy looks huge and I really don't feel good.
Well anyway it is now 9:51 and I'd say for about the last 20 minutes the buzzing and lightheaded has gone down and I am in a much better state. So the Rocketship was smoldering since late morning with some texts and really took off with a text @ 5:48 so yeah, this is another 4-hour cycle, but with precursors - the whole last darn week has been precursors really. Just trying to look for patterns...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 June 2009 05:26 am |
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I went on the networking site and Michael was on - we've never chatted there before - indeed he's rarely on. It took all of about 30 seconds for him to hail me all cheery and so we talked for a bit, then he accidentally booted himself so we ended up talking via phone. No emotional Rocketship ensued, indeed, nothing went beyond the bounds of friendly chit-chat. However, I ended up extending an invitation for Sunday, which was left open-ended by both of us for now. I don't know if this has moved into 'just friends' mode or what, or if this is just how he acts when he knows a girl is solidly on the hook. Either way, its not very satisfying. That's a good thing. But I do want to talk to him in person and hear it from his own mouth.
I've been sucking down throat lozenges and am tired. So much for getting to bed early.
S just hailed me on the networking site, she's tired and making her way back into town. I gotta get to bed before any other distractions pop up. I so need rest, and focus. Sleeeeeeeepppp...
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suenos
Moderator
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Posted: 11 June 2009 05:26 am |
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Hey Mol! Sorry I didn't see your earlier posts sooner!!! Hugs, hugs and more big giant hugs!!!!
It's got to feel like your doc threw ya a curve ball. And with so much going on in your life right now it's got to be crazy hard to decide whether to accept the dx and move forward with the meds or find another doc and rule out other factors first. I really don't have any idea what I'd do in your shoes. It's one heck of a situation.
If she is right, and you do get on meds to stabalize your moods, it could be the best thing that ever happened to you. "Cause if you're rapidly cycling it's pretty impossible to move forward if you make logical, rational plans and then have your mood swing in the opposite direction before you can execute them. Except in the minds of really, really ignorant people, there is no stigma to having a so-called "mental illness". I mean, if you truly are bi-polar and need medication to help correct the imbalance, it's no dfferent from being diabetic and needing insulin to control that illness. I made a list about 2 years ago for a friend who was bi-polar - it was a 2 page, single spaced list of names of famous, creative, talented, successuful men and women who were bi-polar. Right now I can't remember anyone except Robin Williams. But, anyway the point is (and yes, I do have a point), if her diagnosis is correct, you are in some darn good company and controlling the illness does not have to mean the end of the creative, aware side of Molly Moo.
That said, she could be totally wrong. Sometimes, if all you see is cows, even horses start to look like cows! There could be so many other things going on - or a combination of things and like you said, you may need to find an open minded doc who is willing to try a holistic approach to helping you deal with all these factors one by one and as a whole before lumping it all together as a single, "easy" diagnosis that can be medicated.
Tough choice. Do you opt to take medication in treatment for an illness you might not actually have? Do you opt to not take medication for an illness you may actually have? I have no idea. Frankly, this is the sort of thing I would pray about and I know that's not you..... and I mean that totally without judgment of any kind - we all find our own way ya know?
But, you already know how highly I think of you, and, up or down, good or bad, I'm always cheering for you, and I've got total belief that you'll end up doing what's best for yourself...(plus I've already said a great big prayer for ya ')
now about that "getting fired is a good idea thing"....
eta: oh, oh, I just had a thought...instead of letting Micheal string ya along as a chick solidly on his hook and/or waiting to hear the "I'm just not that into you anymore" line from his mouth...what if ya just sent him a text (yea, an impersonal, casual text) telling him that you've realized that you're just not into HIM anymore????
Last edited on 11 June 2009 05:38 am by suenos
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John Deere Doug
Senior Member
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Posted: 11 June 2009 09:57 am |
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| What time am I picking you up at he airport?
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 June 2009 04:37 pm |
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John Deere Doug wrote: What time am I picking you up at he airport?
LOL
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 June 2009 05:15 pm |
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suenos wrote: Cause if you're rapidly cycling it's pretty impossible to move forward if you make logical, rational plans and then have your mood swing in the opposite direction before you can execute them. Except in the minds of really, really ignorant people, there is no stigma to having a so-called "mental illness". I mean, if you truly are bi-polar and need medication to help correct the imbalance, it's no dfferent from being diabetic and needing insulin to control that illness.
Suenos, if you ever get tired of what you are doing for living today, I am pretty sure you would have an excellent calling as a life coach, you have a knack for taking your life's wisdom and using it to help people. I like idea of 2-pages of 'good company' heh.
Yeah, I have a horrible time even making plans a lot of times because I lack the focus, but when I do, they certainly are logical and rational. But once the rocketship takes hold it's like I am almost watching a movie, the rational part of me is sitting in the theater watching the action take place on the screen. So....I suppose I could try this to see if it helps, but these meds are nothing to joke with....and I feel like I would need to take someone into my confidence, a friend, who will help me judge the effects of the meds....living alone its a bit scary. There's only 1 friend who lives close enough who I could also trust to help and keep it confidential, I just hate to burden anyone with this. Eh, well, I guess I am already burdening people with this, aren't I. Sorry folks. But I have to write, and this is my place....and I do appreciate your support.
suenos wrote:
eta: oh, oh, I just had a thought...instead of letting Micheal string ya along as a chick solidly on his hook and/or waiting to hear the "I'm just not that into you anymore" line from his mouth...what if ya just sent him a text (yea, an impersonal, casual text) telling him that you've realized that you're just not into HIM anymore????
Oh, I more or less did that last Thursday, after he left #2 and I was all drunk. He called my bluff and I caved. Yeah. Stupid drunk Mol. Thanks tho. This goes back to my theory formed a while ago. Until I get serious about someone, I should try to maintain 3 guys I am interested in at all times, 3 lines of interest/dating, so if one of them dries up, there are 2 others to fall back on. Makes it so much easier if it doesn't work out, like with Ian. Right now the only other interest is Pitch and I don't know if that is going to go anywhere.
Well, remembering back to Sunday night, I started forming plans to do things with friends and friends need to be my focus. S will be in town Friday, and I am supposed to go to Cubs game and meet a friend in town from Denver @ Goose Island. We still need to hear about the plans for J's wake. SB's daughters' graduation party Saturday (this is really an excuse for the adults get together too), possibly coffee Sunday with another gf I haven't seen in while....yes friends, friends, friends and Mol, Mol, Mol, I need to just keep chanting the mantra to myself.
XOXOXOX Thanks.
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 June 2009 05:59 pm |
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So Mol..............TTOM skipped again? Don't rule out hormones for these mood swings, sleepless nights, etc yet. Some peri-menopausal/menopausal women really get extreme symptoms. Maybe you should chart the emotional ups and downs and TTOM?
And, although I know it's not your thing, like Suenos, I'm praying for ya!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 June 2009 06:19 pm |
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Hisgal wrote: So Mol..............TTOM skipped again? Don't rule out hormones for these mood swings, sleepless nights, etc yet. Some peri-menopausal/menopausal women really get extreme symptoms. Maybe you should chart the emotional ups and downs and TTOM?
And, although I know it's not your thing, like Suenos, I'm praying for ya!
OMG Pat - I forgot - the whole reason I logged in here this morning is because TTOTM came! Hurray! But yeah it is day 32. My recent cycles have been 24 days. So suffice to say my body is whacked out. Maybe it is because I was so sick 2 weeks ago, it threw everything off (my bad concentration around memorial day, along with my muscles all messed up, and a few other symptoms). Continuing from last night, I still have a sore throat and swollen glands today, but not so bad, but added a bit of headache and light sensitivity. It's like my entire system is all messed up. But yeah, it is possible that I've been PMS-ing/hormonal for the past 8 days or more...
Yep before my Dr. appointment next week, I want to go thru my diaries and also my TTOTM which I do have charted and see what, if anything, correlates. I think its going to be difficult to know for sure. I do need to somehow find a doctor who can take "All these things" and chart a course, not just assuming that medicating it with adult Ritalyn will mask/manage the symptoms enough just so I can get by numbly for the next 40 years...
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 June 2009 11:53 pm |
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Well, Mol, you'd get no argument from me on that one! I am definitely an "alternative" type of person. I'd rather not pop a pill, if I don't have to! There are times I need my Advil/Aleve.........but not until after I make sure I've taken my magnesium, iced it, stretched it, etc. I quit taking antibiotics for sinus infections years ago.......I rest, drink lots of fluids, and use my netti pot. I'm glad you are checking further into it........there are Dr.'s who take a more wholistic approach........treat the whole person, not just write a 'scrip!
We're here for you, Mol! 
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 June 2009 01:51 am |
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Drowsy
Hi everyone. I'm exhausted and dizzy, but at least calm. Not even tempted to go out tonight even though it is Thursday and I only work 1/2 day tomorrow from home. No....voluntarily or not I am set for a night of quiet respite on the couch. I think this is a virus. On the way home from picking up C-Dog (who, by the way, is still steadily making progress) I received a text from SB asking if I want to go watch league hockey tonight. That is our code for 'girl talk' where we can sit alone on the bleachers and converse and half-watch the game. I am too exhausted to even be tempted; it doesn't start until 9 and I want to be in bed by 9:30.
Challenge weigh in 125.5 after dinner. Not pretty. Not worried. I'll get going in the right direction again, now that TTOTM came I am sure the food cravings will level out and I'll drop some bloat and water next day or 2. I wanted to do toning tonight but hopefully with some rest and a good nights' sleep tomorrow I will get in both a run and toning.
Tomorrow I am going to skip the ball game in order to have an electrician come. A couple of weeks ago my rather new light fixture in the basement went out. Then this week, the rather new fixture in the kitchen went out. Not just one bulb, the whole fixtures won't work. Given the wiring in this Very Old House, this may be sign that the electrical apocalypse is upon me and I'm going to have to have it rewired. Hmmmmm....perhaps I need to keep my job for a while longer after all.
I cannot even keep my eyes open so I'll just say good night. XOXOX
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 June 2009 02:33 am |
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A Grin and a Giggle
Just caught S on the networking site, she's driving up for a couple of weeks...she just told me she is bringing up a box of old notes and letters she kept from h.s. She says that she organized them all and has about thirty, THIRTY that I wrote to her. Oh lord. We are going to go thru them together I am sure it is going to be such a laugh, seeing who I had a crush on, or whatever the heck else we were talking about. I know we used to put "Mol hearts [insert name]" and band names and stuff on the outside. We were giggling just chatting about it.
So...this means I also am soon going to be pulling out 'that box' from the basement. The one I found, still sealed, around XMas when L moved out....the one I opened and my knees gave out when I saw what was in there, and I closed it back up for another time when I wasn't already dealing with so much.
This is somehow, somehow, all meant to be. A Weave of Threads. Because, I need to get that box open to get out my ticket stubs and be able to progress some aspects of that story concept I am working on. I started writing it Saturday night but haven't felt ready over the past week to go into that box. But with S here, yeah, this is meant to be. My friend from the past will help me. She will be able to share in some of the contents of that box, as I am sure I kept some of her letters too, and it will help me move forward and move on, with closure on the past, and my writing, which is my future.
I cannot wait for her to arrive here, and to have that time together. Yay!
I will likely now go to the wake Sunday, there should be many others, a drawing together of a lot of people I've recently reconnected with, and a lot of people I have yet to reconnect with.
Pitch is out of town, but S says she talked with him yesterday and he is going to the funeral Monday. Now. S told me a while back that she's not interested in Pitch...she doesn't know that I like him though...but I wonder sometimes if he's interested in her - I know he admires her - well that would suck for me wouldn't it....ah - threads...
ETA: Funny, my books on travel in Iceland will arrive tomorrow too...S was my friend who wanted to go together...interesting...ah - threads....Last edited on 12 June 2009 03:07 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 June 2009 05:30 am |
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I don't understand what I am still doing up and primarily want to make note of my bad bad habits. No wonder I get sick, when I don't take care of myself and get enough sleep. [Shaking finger @ self - Tsk tsk.] Lets see. I worked a little on my to-do list but too sleepy to make much order of it. I looked @ Cubs tix on Ebay & Stubhub but decided to wait and see what time the electrician comes tomorrow. I ate. I don't know what else I did for the past couple of hours. (?) I wasn't even chatting, which is frequently the culprit.
I did however notice that Michael is branching out and adding new friends in the past couple of days on the networking site, the majority of them attractive and cool/artistic looking females...its not surprising really, but I wish I still commanded his attention...he (unsolicited) made reference yesterday to being really preoccupied about his uncles since the wake, plus losing his job etc and his longtime friend moving away Weds, he knew I'd understand...but it feels dead...argh, I want and need some mumblymoo, I just love to cuddle and have pillow talk. He was filling some needs...
...OK, back to the friends, friends, friends, focus!!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 June 2009 05:25 pm |
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Performance Plan
Well, I see my tendencies are trying to peek out and I am trying to be especially diligent today in managing my outcomes. [triggers: missing Michael and not hearing from him, not having set plans for rest of day/tonight; uncertain about going to the wake Sunday; texting; networking site.] Clear goals and a plan! Including - doing something about what is now a 1-2-6 on the scale this morning.
Since consulting L about the electrician this AM (about an estimate we got in the fall) I've already impulsively invited L to bring MDog over since it is gorgeous out and the dogs haven't been together in a while. However, he is hungover from going out last night and just staying in today. We are both going to the same graduation party tomorrow evening.
Here's what I need to do - to stay a busy, focused, on-track Mol today:
1. Go thru to-do list and make the phone calls/appts I need to make. Decide on plans for Sunday's wake.
2. For work, complete performance review and SDI analysis; check in w/my analyst on sales stats for Mondays' meeting.
3. Hydrate, go for a run, and do toning.
4. Track cals and eat normal things today. Have a salad+eggs for lunch.
5. Continue doing laundry and put everything away not on my stupid bed.
6. Clean up the clutter and wipe down the counters.
7. Forget the ballgame, other things need to be done this afternoon. Depart 3:15-ish for Goose Island to meet my Colorado friend. 1 beer OK.
8. Come home, and do some writing for a bit - or - take a bike ride (ladies choice).
9. No texting, at least until I have already going out tonight. No networking site either. This will help me stick with the plan which is: Depart @ 10:00, head to #1, leave @ 12:00, head to #1. I get to have 1 drink @ #1 and 1 drink @ #2. I am in control. I am Mol darn it, and I want it to stay that way!
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