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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 24 May 2009 02:26 am |
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I woke up this AM and Depeche Mode World In My Eyes - 12" was still spinning on the right turntable, that way for a good 6 hours, you know, how the needle plays to the inside of the record and just keeps going round and round...
oh yes, i know. i so very know 
also about the payment for the day after having a fun night out. seriously. the only remedy i find is a shower. even if you have to shower both befor your workout and after, there is nothing that gets me remotely close to moving off the couch. fact.
balance. yes, it's a running theme, eh? *sigh*
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 May 2009 07:19 am |
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Sparkler
It's 12:28AM and am feeling better again, I mean, where my head is at.
I made myself go do my toning after my last post, it really made me feel much better physically and woke me up.
I was stumped for what to wear tonight, as Michael and I were not going clubbing so I couldn't wear my usual club gear, and I wanted to wear something more visually stimulating than blue jeans. Lucky for me I started flipping through the closet for inspiration and found - a new dress - the one I bought Monday for going out. Absolutey perfect, black lacey design, form fitting, showing the curves in the right places. Added thigh high stockings and tall boots and a new necklace and voila! Looking your best is certainly a great mood enhancer. A new dress always makes me feel 'sparkly special'.  Michael definitely approved.
We ended up staying in (yay, thankfully) and listened to a Bill Hicks comedy routine. Very funny. I enjoyed that. I haven't listened to a comedian in a long time and I laughed a lot. It was a good evening. I left around 11:30 and I knew I should come straight home but started heading over to #1 to make an appearance and say hello to the dj - then I managed to put my priorities back in order, changed course, went to the store to pick up a few needed things then came home.
I will soon to bed, then tomorrow is lunch and the wake with Michael. I need a snack or something though, I haven't eaten in about 12 hours. That can be a risky proposition for me this time of night so I have to FOCUS and not go binging.
I don't have final totals for Friday. Primarily because of all the alcohol plus all the dancing pretty much negated each other I was probably around 1000Net. Totals for Saturday: 839IN/739Net => B.S. (before snack LOL)
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 May 2009 08:11 am |
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Ah, fared pretty well - about 450 calories - grilled chicken wrap.
I forgot to mention, seeing 122.5 on the scale, still think it is due to being low on water, but it surely is nice to see. 
To bed and sleep!!
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John Deere Doug
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 May 2009 11:18 am |
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| Bend over,,,,,,,,,,,,KICK,,,,,Feel better now?
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 May 2009 03:34 pm |
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John Deere Doug wrote: Bend over,,,,,,,,,,,,KICK,,,,,Feel better now?
Thank you sir, may I have another?
Animal House - Initiation http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdFLPn30dvQ
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 May 2009 04:28 pm |
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Dock Of The Bay
Gosh, what a lovely lovely morning. Awoke around 8:30, the sun is out, the temperature is mild, the birds are chirping - and although the neighbor next door and his friend are obnoxiously yelling to each other across the yard already it isn't even that irritating. C-Dog is quietly snoozing in the sun as the curtains over his head sway lightly back and forth.
Tranquility. I love this calm and peace. It stems from good sleep, no alchohol, good weather, new clothes, looking physically good, and having a nice day off with my single scheduled obligation promising to be rather agreeable and interesting.
OK. I've just had it with the neighbor and put my Ipod on to block them out for the time being, not going to let them ruin this moment for me. I am listinging to Otis Redding Dock of the Bay which Zen mentioned in the Off Topic post. What a good song for a morning like this....in a lot of ways.
It is May 24, 2009. I feel reflective, and trying to understand just where this dock is where I've decided to hang out for a spell. I shut my my eyes and smell the salt and hear the waves crashing on the breakers...just being, just existing, just wasting time...
Things have surely changed for me in the past year, what is the arc of this story? What force has carried me forward to this place and where is it taking me? No - That is wrong, the idea that there is some mysterious force behind all this. I mean, its me. The force is me, and that force has been like a tornado in some respects, destroying with abandon and without discretion, and yet I have to give recognition to some positive things that have come forward, doing some writing, getting fit, reconnecting with old friends, enjoying music again, exploring, travelling, and learning, slowly to live life on my own terms - just really, at this stage, discovering what those terms even are.
There is still so much pain and uncertainty and fear which I need to conquer. And it is times like this which afford the opportunity for me to take a look at it all, and remind myself that I need to be deliberate in my choices, that "do nothing" always has and will continue to be a strategy. I am lonely to be sure, and yet I don't do all that I can and really should to abate that loneliness, at least not with a long term view, by focusing my time with people who are 'real' friends. The relationships @ the clubs are superficial and from the hard lessons I've learned, I would expect them to stay that way. My relationship with Michael continues to serve a purpose, and I have to say his sharp-edged perspective challenges me to think critically about my views of the world and about myself.
I hope I will be able to continue this train of thought later, as it is time to go get in the shower and get dressed for the wake etc. I am certain that this day will bring much for reflection about people, relationships, and how the experiences from our past colour our actions of today...let me make something meaningful of it.
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John Deere Doug
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 May 2009 05:22 pm |
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mollymoo24 wrote: John Deere Doug wrote: Bend over,,,,,,,,,,,,KICK,,,,,Feel better now?
Thank you sir, may I have another?
Animal House - Initiation http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdFLPn30dvQ
Ok....KIck. That movie was a classic in my day.Last edited on 24 May 2009 05:25 pm by John Deere Doug
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 25 May 2009 04:27 pm |
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Rubber Ring
The Smiths - Rubber Ring http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cpf6gJU3520
A sad fact widely known
The most impassionate song
To a lonely soul
Is so easily outgrown
But don’t forget the songs
That made you smile
And the songs that made you cry
When you lay in awe
On the bedroom floor
And said : "oh, oh, smother me mother..."
No ...
Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring
La ...
The passing of time
And all of it’s crimes
Is making me sad again
The passing of time
And all of it’s sickening crimes
Is making me sad again
But don’t forget the songs
That made you cry
And the songs that saved your life
Yes, you’re older now
And you’re a clever swine
But they were the only ones who ever stood by you
The passing of time leaves empty lives
Waiting to be filled (the passing ...)
The passing of time
Leaves empty lives
Waiting to be filled
I’m here with the cause
I’m holding the torch
In the corner of your room
Can you hear me ?
And when you’re dancing and laughing
And finally living
Hear my voice in your head
And think of me kindly
No ...
Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring
La ...
No ...
Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring
Do you
Love me like you used to ?
Oh ...
Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring
La ...
You’re clever
Everybody’s clever nowadays
You’re clever
Everybody’s clever nowadays
You are sleeping
You do not want to believe
You are sleeping
You do not want to believe
You are sleeping
You do not want to believe
You are sleeping
Last edited on 25 May 2009 07:38 pm by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 25 May 2009 04:37 pm |
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Yesterday's totals 2152IN, no exercise. I have a very deep blister on my left big toe since Friday which is making it difficult to walk, let alone run. Stinks. Just when my conditioning was getting better too. I am thinking a bike ride later, but the most important thing to me today is writing.
I wrote some offline already, not anything worthy of sharing at this point. I am dizzy. I was in bed by 12 and up by 8 but something is just feeling very off. I am so tired of being unable to think clearly, of wandering around in this fog, it is frustrating and not helping me get my Munich Energy Mol on...hard to think straight, make choices, make forward progress, connect the dots...
I got rear ended yesterday on the way to the wake, and at a good rate too which shoved my own car into the car in front of me. So, my SUV has both back and front end damage. Sucks, yet no one was hurt and my lovely expensive tank-built SUV once again proved its strength, because if I was in a little car Michael and I wouldn't be walking away I am sure. I am a freaking accident magnet lately. Am I driving around with a black cloud following me? Eh....
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 25 May 2009 08:32 pm |
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Black Cloud
Its almost magical how the world around you can sometimes echo what you are feeling inside. Midday, the sky slowly clouded over and the air thickened, the result of storms formulating southwest of here. The outside world became dim, as if viewed through an opaque lens. Simultaneously, the black cloud surrounding me cast a pall over the house, silently infiltrating the den and the very air with smoky and grey tones, an unwelcome foggy mist over my thoughts, and writing and feelings.
Ah, Depression. Thy unwelcome familiar grip is relentless at times. I know too well those sad thoughts of self-doubt and isolation and unworthiness, feeling unloved and unwanted and having nothing to offer, feeling again the losses I've incurred intentionally and otherwise, during the downward spiral. I started wanting to run, run, to get away from it all, to get away from the self-torment, to get away from myself (which, by the way, we know never works because we keep running into 'me'), so I went and got on my workout gear and I went outside with the intent to take a walk.
I encountered the neighbor next door who is about 63ish, I haven't seen her since before the winter, she questioned that she doesn't see L's car any more and I gave her the abbreviated version of events leading up to and through the divorce, and where I am at now. It was apparent today as it similarly struck me yesterday when meeting people at the wake - I have writer's block. I mean, the Bool of Mol. Who I am and where I am going. Its all here and yet I cannot seem to put it together. I don't know why. I've had the good fortune to meet amazing people and I feel in awe of them; I know that I should be able to achieve amazing things with this life I've been given, and yet, for some reason I am the most boring, inarticulate, and confused person, with a terrible memory, simply stuck churning the same thoughts and ideas. What is my deal? Where is Munich Energy Mol? Why on this very day of all days, the day I set aside a large chuck of thinking time, is it not "coming to me'? Sigh.
Anyway, suprisingly my toe held up well in my running shoes with a hydrating bandage wrap, so I got a real workout in....and just didn't want to stop...I then walked to the convenience store to get a couple of necessities, and then walked and jogged around the neighborhood some more. Why is it that working out, is the "easy out" for me. Being a smart chick and former fatty, it is ironic that in my life, "physical activity" is now easier than "mental activity". Sigh.
So far today: 585IN, 180Net. Est 5.3M, 3.3J/2.0W. I seriously need to get in toning later. My belly looks distended and fat today, which is disappointing, I mean, its only been something like 48 hours since I toned. Blech. Weigh-in later.
I am going to go take a bath and try to get into a better mode because once again I am just sittin on the dock of the bay, wasting time.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 26 May 2009 04:00 am |
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Apathy. The World's Best Medicine.
1728IN, 1323Net. I didn't do my toning after all. At this juncture, I simply am holding out hope a good nights' sleep tonight will have me waking up ready for action as my fuzzy head has gotten even worse this evening.
Some good news, weigh-in was 124 after dinner. Dinner being a lovely personal-sized Gino's East sausage pizza. Surely they joke when they say one serving is 1/2 of this little bitty pizza. Not in my world. I ate the whole thing, 890. I love that cornmeal(?) crust, nothing else like it.
L came over for about an hour visit and to pick up mail and money. We talked a bit about nothing, polite conversation really. He still isn't looking very hard for work, it seems, and it makes me sad. Everything else is going OK.
I downloaded an audiobook today which I intend to follow up with the full book in soon. It is A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) by Miyamoto Musashi. I was not familiar with it at all, but it played heavily in several points Michael was making yesterday and whetted my appetite to learn more about his philosophies. I suppose if I cannot sleep it will make an excellent way to drift off tonight. And at least I get to sleep until 6 tomorrow.
Tomorrow is day 1 of the 2-day faceoff with Tormentor. Sad to say this has been years in the making, and I've been so beaten to a pulp that I literally just don't care any more. Perhaps that is a Good Thing. Letting go. After all, it is only a job.
Oh and - no snacking. Time for bed.
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Beth
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 26 May 2009 01:16 pm |
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MM, never underestimate the power of the Cosmic Forces. They do seem to watch over us and carry us where we need to be.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 26 May 2009 08:13 pm |
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you will have to tell me about the book. i bet it's pretty interesting.
so Mol vs. Tormentor, The Great and Epic Battle, huh? No matter what happens, look at the positive. get a good run in to get out the aggression. and yes, you are not your job.
I hope the black clouds lift and the sun shines through. 
Take care and keep us posted.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 27 May 2009 12:48 am |
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Cheesefest
1. I went on a little food fest last night to the tune of 1100 calories. Rice cakes w/peanut butter; ham/tortilla/creamcheese rollup; scoops w/melted jalepeno cheese; olive oil/bread/grated cheese. Nice. As if having a good workout and having a good weigh in yesterday was all the permission I needed to eat whatever I wanted.
2. I went on a little food fest this morning at the meeting including 2 mini-muffins, 1/2 bagel w/cream cheese, a mini danish. (800?) Had a reasonable lunch (400) then went back and grabbed a bag of kettle crisps (250?) and ate that. Then...had an entire piece of chocolately fudge cake (700?) that someone put down in front of me.
And I still feel hungry. I know its all that sugar but I really want to put some better quality food into my system.
I am dressed in my workout clothes ready to go attempt some form of penance, although clearly I could be out on the streets all night and not burn all this off.
Today's meeting actually went quite well and so far there hasn't been a source of great conflict. I suppose people are picking their battles and waiting for the big moment(s) tomorrow. Actually I didn't feel depressed all day again until the drive home when I was thinking about a couple of things. I might as well put them down. Most immediately - Michael, and wondering if/when he's going to walk away and my own neediness which is interfering with my establishing a walk-away point. Somewhat relatedly, my insecurities about my physical attractiveness, and more generally my general attractiveness as a human being right now.
This goes back to what everyone tells you. Fix yourself first, then and only then should you worry about dating. Healthy attracts healthy. Quality attracts quality.
I am going to go run and try to do something healthy and shake this cloud.
Last edited on 27 May 2009 12:49 am by mollymoo24
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Scoobees
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 27 May 2009 01:14 am |
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Hope you have a great run, Mol! Nothing like a good workout to chase those clouds away for sure.
I was reading about your 'food-fests' and all the sugar making you still feel hungry - and you just can't believe how much I can identify with this right now. I was nodding my head in agreement with crumbs of my second Swiss cake roll falling onto the key board.  It's been that kind of day.
Sending you lot of sunshine!
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
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| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 27 May 2009 04:25 am |
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Hey, MM,
Crime and punishment. Good title. I generally gave up on the bars many years ago, after one particularly heavy drinking session involving a tequila walk from which it took me *days* to recover. At least the dancing has to be good for you, so that's something.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 27 May 2009 04:47 am |
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The Rain
Rain-rain-rain-rain-a rain-a-rain-a-rain.
Yes, as Mol headed for the front door, the droplets began. Thwarted? No. Stretches on the front stoop, eyeballing the sky, willing the light rain to blow over. No such luck.
Well. there was no way I was not getting that run in, so I went anyway. Yes, in the steady light rain, sidewalks to myself, knowing the neighbors must think I am nuts, wearing a cap to keep the rain out of my eyes, and spandex gear to keep the worst of the wet from seeping in. Off I went, and all those carbs/extra calories were apparent as it was easy as pie to do my 3.1m in 31:20. I was intent to walk another 2 miles after that but the lightning came and the heavens opened and so...that was the end of that.
I had a salad and some tuna and that didn't cut it so I've gone off on another food fest tonight. Thinking back - tortillas, ham, scoops, cheese, rice cakes, peanut butter...900 I am guessing. I am wondering truly if this 2-day food-fest and my depressed mood are linked. Like if they are both hormonal, or something with the wellbutrin or whatever. But my body seems to genuinely want the food and I am certainly feeding it. Perhaps tomorrow will afford better workout weather, it looks like I should have free time after work.
I employed 'no texting' since Sun evening and was pleased to hear from Michael this evening. The fact that we didn't fix plans for our next date, however, well, its not unusual but it bothers me a bit. I know we are both busy people and our schedules don't exactly mesh etc. (his changes week to week too) so some weeks there is just no good time, but I always like having something concrete to look forward to. Sigh. Maybe its a girl thing?
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 28 May 2009 01:06 am |
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The Last Gentlemen
SPLURP!!!!!!
The clouds have parted - not those outside; rather the ones that have invaded my life the past few days. I can't explain it and I am starting to think that when I die, I need to donate my brain to science and they can figure it out. Of course that will be too late to help me though...but maybe it will help someone.
Anyway today was Day 2 of the great face-off with Tormentor that wasn't. It was frustrating that we spent a day and a half on this and did not get into the details of what needed to be resolved. I rather think there is an agenda behind it all being driven by the VP. Fine. Not letting it bother me, because there is nothing that I can do.
I wasn't feeling depressed today, but I didn't really kick into feeling good until some time after I went back to the office - around 3ish, when I quickly blew through some items with my boss and then took my 3:30 meeting from the car instead of the office, and we knocked out a decision consensus very quickly and painlessly. I was home, dressed and out running around 4:45. And it was during this run, when I picked up my pace, that - for the first time in ages - I got back into the mind-body zone, that connection which has been missing, that adrenaline, that running pace, that clarity of both visual and mental perception that is the best of me.
I have work to complete later and it doesn't stress me at all, its prep for a career development discussion tomorrow. Its so strange. I am not stressed, or sad, and feel back in control over my eating and not needy or lonely. Mischeivous, glint in the eye, Munich Energy Mol. I wish I knew what causes this, is it just chemical fluctuations, hormones, or ?? It wasn't the Tormentor meeting I don't think because nothing really got resolved, although it is true that it was less draining than I expected. Is it because I got some things off my plate at work and created some forward motion? Perhaps. I really don't know.
Yesterdays revised totals were 3180IN/2913Net. Todays totals: 5.6M (3.6J 2.0W) 1:14:15. 1001IN/553Net. I still would like to do my toning. I think I will skip any form of dinner because I am afraid it will just set me off and I am having a good day at this point. It's not like I haven't added a little padding the past few days anyway.
Ha, I just let Michael's call ring and plan to ignore him until tomorrow. 
Oh, the title of this post was going to be The Difference A Day Makes but that's a repeat. But I was thinking about a song by the same name by a long-defunct band by the name of The Last Gentlemen. Boy, does that bring back a ton of associated memories, including the time a particular guy got me into a show at a bar with a fake ID at the age of 16, I had a bit of a crush on the lead singer - who, I have to guess, is probably gay but I don't know. I ran into him though in Home Depot once years later and had a polite little chat.
OK I gotta go tone. w00t!!
ETA: Totals after toning: 1001IN/453Net.
Last edited on 28 May 2009 02:00 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 28 May 2009 01:11 am |
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| #%@&!. I just logged onto the networking site quickly before going to tone and Michael posted, which he doesn't do frequently. He lost his job today. I guess now I know what he was calling about. #%@&!. Alright, toning first, and this is not my problem to get involved in...he's a big boy.
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suenos
Moderator
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Posted: 28 May 2009 04:55 am |
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well, whatever the mysterious reason...sooooo glad you're feeling on your game. And I learned a brand new term that made me laugh out loud (at an inapproriate moment ) cause it soooo perfectly described something you and I both do (and apparently most of the rest of the world does not do (umm, 'cause they're normal?)....so anyway the term is "meta cognition" which means not just thinking, but thinking about your thoughts - like navel gazing on crack!!
\
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 28 May 2009 05:22 am |
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suenos wrote: so anyway the term is "meta cognition" which means not just thinking, but thinking about your thoughts - like navel gazing on crack!!
L-flipping-O-L that's awesome!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 28 May 2009 10:28 am |
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Running Warrior
Its 4AM, I slept about 3 hours and have now been up for an hour. I am working on a research project of sorts, related to Michael. Hopefully nappy soon. Tomorrow I've have a lot going on including lunch with my boss and need to stay on my game.
I haven't actually heard back from Michael. Assuming he either found a supportive ear elsewhere for the evening or just doesn't want to talk with anyone now.
Last night around10:30 I went ahead and ate what I wanted. Triscuits (a lot) (360), Scoops (130) ham/tortilla rolloup (200), dollup up peanut butter (100). Bringing my total for the day to 1791IN/1243Net. So, I didn't make any progress against the indiscretions of the past few days, but at least the Net cals were still fine. I suppose however, that late night eating is why I am presently up.
I should note that while I am not a fan of the presentation style of this audiobook, A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) has a lot of basic, intuitive concepts which can be applied to any situation. And with the clarity of mind I experienced while running today, (running at a faster pace and visualizing ahead) I felt increased focus, mental and physical intensity, just a fraction of what could be accomplished with practice. In some ways, I realize, I am just out of practice. Professionally, for example, honing in and presenting concepts. I've been dealing with administrative #%@&! for so long I don't get the chance all that often to use my brain on the strategic and analytical issues. Perhaps that is part of what happened for me mentally, yesterday, somehow I got to use different parts of my brain while we were in the offsite meeting and it got my brain cells firing again. 
I need to try to squeeze in another appointment after work tomorrow. Then Friday is off and I have a number of things scheduled. Dropping the SUV to the dealer to begin repairs; carpet cleaning, catch up on bills, plumber coming, etc. YESSSSSS Mol is finally going to replace the deluxe supertanker toilet with the smaller version, and reclaim 2 precious inches in her box-sized bathroom!!!
OK I am going to try to sleep now....
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 28 May 2009 10:37 am |
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Ooh, one more thing:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metacognition
This topic is also making me think of the book My Stroke of Insight, which is a very good example of thinking about thinking. I would like to reread that again soon, it was very useful for me but I need to start practicing again staying in my right brain.
This is what I mean about writing the Book of Mol, I mean "Stay in my Right Brain" should be in a list of Mol's Fundamental Rules of the Eternal Cosmos. Eh, if I keep going with this flow right now I won't get any sleep, darn it all, gotta go...
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 29 May 2009 01:51 am |
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Metacognition. In software, we talk a lot about meta-data, which is data about data.
The interesting thing is, this seems like the opposite of what the goal of mediation is, which is not thinking about anything at all. Which is better? Like, my boss was bragging about how when she drives into work, she doesn't think at all. "Nothing going on". It seem kind of strange, because my brain is always meandering off to some kind of thing to chew on. It's tough to turn it off. I guess meta-cognition would mean steering that process.
It's confusing thinking about thinking. I think I'll go back to my book on Machine Learning. It's easier :)
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 29 May 2009 02:56 am |
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Pulp Fiction
Sorry to tease, and no there's no pulp fiction in this entry, at least. No, I am just having a Most Excellente Time getting some things organized, watching the movie Pulp Fiction, and having a Mike's Light Hard Lemonade. I have a packed day tomorrow to which I've added more, and am really pleased with what I am going to accomplish through my effective planning. I also kicked butt at the office today and got through tons of decisions and actions. I love it when I am on my game.
Lunch with the boss went well, fairly informal, he is enthusiastic about getting me involved in some other projects and an assignment in Europe, fully supportive, needs me to get some proposal options written up and get them on the table. The biggest hurdle is buckling down doing some homework/overtime and making the extra effort to make it happen. I suppose if I'd have channeled all my journaling time on CPH into working on this, I'd have progressed things along, so either there is a procrastination/hesitation factor about it; or, more likely, I simply had to prioritize getting my personal house in order before thinking about professional advancement. It's been painful.
I haven't counted my calories today, I know I am over - still, all healthy stuff (before the MLHL) and I am OK with this. I needed a night to just stay in and relax. Actually it was supposed to be a night out but I never did get back to sleep last night and so...I need to get to bed early tonight to get everything done that I want to. I don't even want to go see Michael.
Speaking of which, THIS is the kind of determination I admire. Last night he loses his job; he spends the evening reaching out to folks, then this morning works on his resume and this afternoon is already putting in job applications. He's got a lead on working for cash as a doorman @ a concert venue to keep the cashflow going while he's looking for something more solid. The guy is intensely focused and clear-minded. He'll be just fine. He could also sell eggs to a hen. As before - I know what this is, and I know what it isn't - but its sure enjoyable being with such a charismatic character. Contrast this with the ex-husband who, while super nice, had zero drive to educate, train, or better himself and spent nearly two years unemployed and on the couch (he's on 2.5 years now) and it might be apparent why I've gone 180 degrees.
jackbenimble wrote:
Metacognition. In software, we talk a lot about meta-data, which is data about data.
Never heard of that, but love the concept.
jackbenimble wrote:
The interesting thing is, this seems like the opposite of what the goal of mediation is, which is not thinking about anything at all. Which is better? Like, my boss was bragging about how when she drives into work, she doesn't think at all. "Nothing going on". It seem kind of strange, because my brain is always meandering off to some kind of thing to chew on. It's tough to turn it off. I guess meta-cognition would mean steering that process.
This is super interesting to me. Because, I can never account for the time I spend in the car, or the time I spend running, either. I also never recall my dreams. I wonder if I have two settings - on or off - since I am always running to extremes, this would make some sort of sense to me. I wonder why though? OK - I am going to stop now.
Dusty Springfield - Son of A Preacher Man http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dp4339EbVn8
God, I love this movie.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 29 May 2009 11:56 pm |
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Being Social
Mol is putting herself out on a bit of a limb here, there is a group of h.s. people going to see a comedy thingy tomorrow evening, and as I live in the city and directly in almost everyone's path, and I am feeling up to it, I have invited everyone back here for snacks and drinks around the firepit. S, EF & her S.O., Pitch, and an unknown quantity of others. So, because I am incredibly anxious person, I've gone into high anxiety mode and am running around to try to get things done. I always ruin it for myself by focusing on getting the house ready, and everything perfect for my guests, and not on getting ME. So I am going to try to force myself to STAY IN MY RIGHT BRAIN...calm down, make a list, go shopping and then relax. I was supposed to go out and even perhaps see Michael very late but now, I just want to focus on getting ready. Amd I really want to put the anxiety aside and truly enjoy the opportunity to spend time with these folks.
CDog
CDog was having sudden onset neurological difficulties today (drunken sailor walk in his hind legs, along with a pedaling motion in one), after speaking with the vet they think it may be toxity from one of his antibiotics and so we've stopped it and am monitoring. Thing is, if it happens to be the antibiotic which is making progress against the pneumonia, that is not such a good thing. We wait and see.
Catching Up
Got a lot of stuff done today. Dropped off the SUV for repairs; had SB over for coffee; peapod came; did laundry; jogged/walked 4 miles; had the carpet cleaned; had the plumber over and got the toilet innards fixed and the hot water flowing to the washer again. Unfortunately he put out his back the job before mine and I couldn't get that darn toilet swapped out. I am doomed to forever have a toilet in my dining room, apparently. Ordered pet meds, sorted out a magazine script and my lawnservice bill, still getting some other things organized/cleaned up and then will head to the store later.
My muscles were really really awful, I mean AWFUL trying to run today. Locked, dead, solid, couldn't get them loosened up at all. Not sure if it is something I ate, or perhaps a side effect of a new med that I just started yesterday, but it was a terrible time trying to run, my legs didn't even want to hold me and I thought I might actually fall. I walked a bit longer just to get in more exercise because yesterday was a lot of calories and I also had a bit more than intended at brekkie today because of having company.
I was a bit disappointed that my killer new Demonia boots didn't arrive today, I was hoping that I might be able to wear them tonight or tomorrow night.
I am sure I'll be back later. Social. I can't believe it.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 May 2009 05:58 am |
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| Toooo tired....sleeeeeepy...pigged out....busy day tomorrow....night night.
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
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| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 30 May 2009 01:57 pm |
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Hey MM,
I hope your party turns out well. You're really doing a nice job building up your own social network now that you can't rely on L's. It's key and needs to be done, and you're doing it, which is the hardest part.
Don't worry about meta-data. It's boring.
Interesting to me how you can space out while driving or jogging. For driving, since I don't do as much, I've found a really good station, almost know commercials. WBOS. It's working for me right now.
For jogging, I'm usually thinking about work. Boring, huh? Well, yesterday I thought up a little piece of a song while I was running, and recorded it when I got home. I usually record it when I think of it - which reminds me, I left a snippet on my answering machine a couple of days ago, need to get that on the system. Some day, I'm actually going to construct songs of all these little snippets.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 May 2009 07:27 pm |
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Wow. The day is just flying by. I've got enough food and drink here to satisfy about 30 people and if only 5 show then oh well.
Next up: Toning, 30 minute run, shower, dress, makeup, get ice. I've gotta find an outfit that is attractive, but not 'trying too hard'. I'd better get rolling. Whew it is a whirlwind! But fun.
Um, I was in a hurry and had McDonald's for brunch. 2 hamburgers+sm. fries. And this after I ate whatever I wanted again last night. I didn't like eyeballing a 127 on the scale last night. Surely much of that is water retention, and I just need to get back on track tomorrow. Because tonight - I just don't want to care.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 1 June 2009 03:05 am |
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Super LAZY Sunday
The improv was fun, a guy from h.s. performed and we had about 10 people there to watch. My good friend EF was there and I met her boyfriend for the first time, S was in town, Pitch took the train in and carpooled with me/us...after the show we had dinner at the Hidden Shamrock (mmmm Shepherd's pie) then really only the 4 aforenamed folks plus Andrew came back to my place for drinks and conversation around the fire. The rest of the folks wanted to stay out at the bars. [I have a ton of leftover beer and wine if anyone wants to come over.  ] Andrew and I kept on until 4:30 and had a rollicking time, another successful networking site reconnection. Having spent a ton of time together in band in h.s. it was amazing to pick up right where we'd left off. Anyway, I aggravated my left ankle again dancing around in the den to the Ipod somewhere along the way, so I couldn't run today, no Super Sunday. You can take the girl out of the club, but you can't take the club out of the girl.
Pitch
Pitch enthusiastically approved of my humble charming little abode, which he visited for the first time. It was the right day and the right night for it, really, with the weather mild and the light streaming thru the many windows during the afternooon, and with the trees in the large (for the city) backyard, the large bush flowering and the greened up english ivy providing an attactive backdrop for the firepit.
Pitch is a really cool cat, or rather, a cool cat trapped...he's like me, how I was for so many years, the artistic and creative core within him still there but buried by the rest of life, waiting to be rediscovered, working unhappily in a successful, high-stress well-paying corporate career and dealing with high anxiety (Mol on steroids, not kidding). He's not only brilliant and highly educated, but funny, quick-witted, comes from the hometown, is musically talented, and likes to write. He's at a transition point in his own life, challenging, questioning, and is just starting the process of figuring out what to do to become happier - because he is not happy, he is a bit lost right now, and lonely. And being about a year ahead of him on the learning curve of reclaiming one's lost self, he looks to me, I think, as someone he admires, someone strong, even though I don't always see that in myself.
Pitch took the train in and walked to my house. Inside, he took a quick look around then had a seat while we waited for 3 others to arrive. He asked if I was going to another meetup in the hometown next weekend and I said something about the sheer number of h.s./hometown gatherings due to the networking site, and having missed the clubs the past 2 weekends I wanted to go clubbing at least one night next weekend, so I am not sure of my schedule. I've tried to see if he will go to any of my favorite haunts with me but he feels that he doesn't 'fit' there and makes self-effacing comments about his own "Eddie Bauer" self. He told me how 'hip' I was (and my brain went - noooo - please no not the cool chick thing again ) and said he wishes he was more 'hip' like me. I told him that I think he's cool - very cool - and teasing him said "Hey - I wouldn't hang out with you if you weren't cool". Then time stopped as he said, "I knew you were cool when you put the Cocteau Twins on and you doubted whether I would recognize it." That, from the night I took him to the St. Patty's Day party, our 2nd time out, the connection that moment, both musically and on a higher level, so strong and so right. I drew breath, and smiling but avoiding eye contact, said, "Yeah, that was a moment wasn't it. That was a moment." Why I shied away from looking at him I don't know. Maybe because I am afraid that he only means to be friends, or maybe since I know this has to be a slow burn in order to work, I am afraid to take any step this soon and mess it up.
S was staying overnight and I offered for Pitch to stay for the night if he wanted and he was appreciative. He really wanted to blow off some steam and have a good time and not worry about getting home. However, the way the night/group shaped up later in the evening to be honest I don't think he had as much in common to talk about, and we were seated apart and I was playing hostess, and he ended up taking the late train home. Before he left however, I told him that I had something for him and hurried in the house to see him off. Inside, I grabbed the hard copy leather journal I purchased for him a few weeks ago, and put it in his hands. He was visibly touched. We'd had a couple of conversations about writing, and journals and blogging along the way, and he knows about the Book of Mol and had been saying he needed to get back into writing. He's on the same journal of self-discovery, another soul who woke up nearly 40, realized that he is not happy and trying to figure out what direction to head. Anyway, earlier in the evening he mentioned that he has to go out of town again Tuesday - it is a sudden plan - and guess his destination - Munich.
Munich.
A Weave of Threads.
What a strange sense of timing life has sometimes.
When I was in Munich in October, in the course of 48 hours I reached the ultimate pivotal point in my life. Achingly, painfully, thrillingly reaching the height of Munich Energy Mol, running in the barren, cold, dank English Garden woods, and along the banks of the river, to run, run away, to free myself from the life that wouldn't hold me any more. Munich Energy Mol, exploring the city, taking spectacular photos, soaking in the energy. Munich Energy Mol making friends at St. E - Dieter's voice ringing in my ears "Life Life! Fantastic!". Munich Energy Mol, finally releasing years of repression and living in the moment. It was October, autumn, and really the beginning of my Winter...the certainty of the need to divorce L having become irretrievably clear, a simple fact that boarded the plane with me in Munich and landed here with me in the U.S. and cleared customs with a permanent visa.
Winter had started, yet I didn't see the blizzard warning signs...and the winter storms came hard and heavy...the divorce, a head full of D, driving D away and feeling shattered, losing my footing in the club circle, experiencing loss of other friendships and stability which I hadn't remotely anticipated, swimming in alcohol and depression, making dubious new friends, seeking male attention as a quick fix, and prioritizing the club scene as if it were truly important in life.
Along the way though, some signs that Mol was not completely hibernating all winter, but was sowing some seeds which would eventually grow and blossom in the springtime. The start of the Book of Mol, finding solace in wonderful old high school friends, meeting new people, buying lots of fun club gear, travelling, exploring, creating, experiencing, loving music again, writing, stretching the boundaries of relationships, becoming confident to a degree with my new body, and becoming more open to options...I've surely left some things out...
If you have read this far, no doubt you are wondering where I am headed with this...
Munich. Pitch is going to Munich. On Tuesday. In the Springtime. It is Springtime in Munich. Can it be that it is Springtime, finally, for Mol, on a number of levels. I am growing stronger. I am rediscovering good parts of myself that I like and growing in other ways. And then, on another level, it is increasingly obvious that Pitch and I have so much in common. It is time for him to start writing the Book of Pitch. When he told me about the trip, I had to give him the journal last night before he went. I was saving it for the right moment, and the right moment came. Life creating its own metaphors, it is not an accident, one must be awake, attuned, and aware, to realize these moments when they happen. I hope this is the start of Pitch's own self-discovery, he's an amazing guy, it will be a pleasure and a gift to see him find himself again.
I am just going to leave this one right on the track it is currently on. I've got to continue to strengthen Mol and he has to discover and strengthen Pitch. To the extent that we continue to be positive influences on each other in this process then I welcome it. If something grows out of it eventually it will need to be at the right time.
But I do have to say, last night, my bud Andrew and I closed out the night after the rest had departed, when out of the blue he said that he thought Pitch and I would make a great couple. Bang. Stopped me in my tracks. I paused, inhaled and then grinned full at him and said "You noticed. I think so too." But he was of the shared opinion that Pitch needs to get his own house in order first and that a slow burn is the only approach that has a shot at working. Which is fine with me. There is no hurry. In the meantime, I get to wait and wonder...is there another "cool chick" speech somewhere in my future or something much more exciting? Only time will tell.......a LOT of time I expect...
Michael
Who cares? Ah no, I do care but after barely hearing from him all week, and certainly nothing demonstrating the level of intensity he once exhibited, I've let his messages sit and didn't take his call while I was writing this post. I'll revisit my thoughts about him some other time.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 1 June 2009 07:37 am |
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mol. that was beautiful.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 1 June 2009 03:51 pm |
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Zen - thank you - I should have known you would read and appreciate that lengthy ramble. Could stand some further editing but sometimes you gotta just get the thought down on paper before it wisks away in the wind.
Solitude on a Monday Morning
I am not at the office. Although last night I slept in the BED for the first time in numerous weeks (applauding myself-it was #%@&! comfortable too), I apparently did not go to bed early enough to make up for the night before. The alarm went off @ 5:40 - I reset it for another hours - went off again @ 7:40 and I still woke up exhausted. My leg muscles are aching badly and it seems a continuation of the bizarre collection of symptoms I've had over the past week or so. No answers, because Mol's body doesn't behave in accordance with the rules established for the rest of the universe. It has me a bit concerned however, that running is such a physical challenge.
I accidentally left my work laptop at the office on Thursday night so I am really disconnected, my goal is to both rest and to continue to catch up on personal things today so that I can come back to the office full force tomorrow. I meet with Steve tomorrow too, I need to prep for that.
Today's challenge weigh-in will be abysmal. I consumed so much over the weekend (including the following, beer, apple schnapps, tons of cheese, real tortilla chips, choc chip cookies, mini eclairs, Shepherd's pie, and pasta) and didn't get in my Super Sunday to even things about. Today is 'back to normal' eating, the good and the green.
I am ready for a nap now. Eyes shutting...
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 1 June 2009 09:05 pm |
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Totals so far: 271IN, -12 Net. I slugged it out through a 3.1M 2.5J/0.6W. 39:29. I shudder to think how bad it would have been if I hadn't had pasta last night. I took a slow pace and even then, my muscles were heavy and locking up, I would run until both of my calf/ankles were so locked and so numb that I was verging on falling. Then I would walk a bit to rest them, then run a bit more. Lather rinse repeat. This isn't just a matter of gutting out some tired achey musclese. I definitely have something going here that is just not right.
I still want to do toning, it seems like that is easier anyway. But how is it that I feel like I need a nap again? 
Goals for the rest of the day:
Finish organizing photos (20 mins) Done
Toning (30 mins) Done
Txt (30 mins)
Calories: 800IN 811 Done
In bed, no later than 10PM.
Last edited on 2 June 2009 01:15 am by mollymoo24
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 June 2009 01:31 am |
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Totals: 811IN, 428 Net. Challenge weigh-in: 125. Could have been worse. It feels good to be back on track today, although I admit it was fun this weekend.
Avoiding snacking tonight will be a challenge. There are all kinds of naughty and tempting things around this house, leftovers from the party. I either need to make plans to have more company, or give it to the neighbors, and get it the heck out of here. I am soooooo drowsy though. The effort seems monumental. I am actually having some coffee which I rarely do this time of night. Hmmmm.
Let me check TTOTM status => today is day 22. Drowsiness could def be hormonal. Have to see what happens next few days. Figures though, I am trying to make plans and don't know when it is going to get here.
I was cleaning up old files on the 'puter and found some archived stuff from a guy I used to chat with all the time online, from England, oh, around 2000-2001 time frame. He's 13.5 years younger than me (erm yep that would be another 26-year-old, what the heck is it?) Anyway I found him on the networking site tonight and he's just PM'd me so I am going to go catch up!
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jackbenimble
New Member
| Joined: | 1 May 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 761 |
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Posted: 2 June 2009 02:56 am |
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MM,
Amazing how you're reconnecting with your high school classmates. I wouldn't do that in a million years! But it seems like a good avenue for you and way better than all the club stuff and L's jerky buddies. You move fast when you move! It was just about a year ago I first joined this site. You were about 150 lbs at the time, and have been steady on 125 or so for months. What a difference a year makes :) Last edited on 2 June 2009 02:57 am by jackbenimble
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 June 2009 03:42 am |
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Jack, I love ya bud. Thanks. :)
I Am Trying to Focus and the Boys Are Distracting Me
The past hour has been fun and interesting and definitely not in the plan. So I am gonna write this quickly and get back on the plan. Chatted w/UK friend Spike for about an hour. Awesome catching up. He was a bit of a late bloomer, and so is just now finishing a photography degree. He's another one who is at a pivotal transition time and I really want to see him flourish. He's doing some good work and building up his network. We always got on very well, and used to talk about him coming here for a visit, and it seems that now, the only obstacle is money. That would be way fun and interesting, for sure. We spent many a night chatting into the wee hours of the morning for about two years, circa 2000-2001. In fact, he once asked me to marry him...to obtain U.S. citizenship, of course.
While I was chatting with Spike, DJ M popped in and said hello, I told him I was trying to get Spike over for a visit to come to #3, which was met with hearty approval and jokes about tea and crumpets, and bangers and mash.
So then my text goes off and thinking its Michael hailing me because I hadn't called him, I see it is not him at all. Its delicious-to-look-at-26-year-old-Chris. Asking me what I am up to and then asking me to join him for dinner. Seriously. At 8:45 at night on a Monday night? Given that we've only once interacted outside of the club setting, which is the night I got the 'cool chick' speech, I was surprised. He's an interesting guy, and one who doesn't open up easily, a self-described "ghost" who likes to stay invisible, yet for some reason, has chosen to let me a little ways into his hidden world. So, we agreed "another time".
And so...I did finally phone Michael and it rang through to vmail, which is fine as I am no closer to picking a day to get together. Tomorrow back in the office I'll get it figured out. Toooo tooo many things going on including another industrial night Saturday, at a different club, I've been looking forward to for weeks.
So - I'd really better meet my goal of getting to bed by 10!!!!! I will do it!!!! And haven't snacked, glory hallelujah amen!
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 June 2009 03:52 am |
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Mol wrote:
I am soooooo drowsy though. The effort seems monumental. I am actually having some coffee which I rarely do this time of night. Hmmmm.
Let me check TTOTM status => today is day 22. Drowsiness could def be hormonal. Have to see what happens next few days.
Mol, my guess would be that you are coming down off of a carb high! Sounds like me after eating too many empty processed carb foods.
I'm glad I'm not the one with the party leftovers around the house. I'm just trying to resist some homemade rhubarb dessert bars that I was silly enough to make over the weekend, when I can eat more! So far, I've done well.......eating only veggies and fruits and a ff yogurt today. Now if I can just make it to bed without eating more calories. I'm just over 500 for my DD.........and tomorrow I can eat...........I can practice control for one day at a time! Besides.......tomorrow is lunch at my fav Mexican restaurant   No, I will be good! I love their veggie burrito and only ever eat 1/2 the entree..........the rest will be my dinner!  Be strong Mol!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 June 2009 02:04 pm |
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I didn't snack! Hurrah!! Pat thanks for the extra push over the hump, I did see that late last night and the extra voice going off surely helped the cause.
On track with a normal brekkie today, dev coach Steve coming in at lunchtime so we can have the sushi special together. Nummers. I have to look up cals for that though since I don't have much of a clue.
Saw nekkid weight of 122 on the scale this AM. So I am certainly not over 125 which I am happy with. Have one of my new suits on this AM and already got a compliment. I love being a size 4, things fit me so much better right off the rack.
Michael called right before bedtime, wasn't much of a conversation, he's looking for work, and business to attend on the home front. I need to figure out my stupid schedule, its packed, this needs to be a priority this morning so I can land some of these planes.
I am sooooo happy about hooking up with Spike. I looked up airfare for June/July though and it is nearly $800 so I am afraid his visit will be on hold indefinitely. Bummer.
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 June 2009 04:17 pm |
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Yeah Mol! I stayed at my DD calories too............nothing after I posted last night!
2 NSV's............one for you and one for me!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 June 2009 02:24 am |
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That's awesome Pat! Nice double victory for us.
I'm at 624IN/344Net so far today, having only had a salad for dinner and having gotten in a run today, 3.1M 2.6J/0.5W (Approx) 36:20. I was able to run in my beloved woods today. My legs were in a lot better shape today, and didn't lock up, I was really happy even though I still walked at several points, I was still able to get back up and running again after a minute or so walking. Perhaps I had a virus? Once again, I remind myself that I need to drink more water while at work, to stay hydrated for running after.
On the way back to the car, I passed the bridge and thought of the the very first time L and I went to those woods and walked the dogs from the car to the bridge, at that time I was pleased that we had taken what I thought was a decent walk. It's about 0.3 mile each way. Heh. How far I've come.
Steve was nibbling around trying to help me to figure out why I am sabotaging myself at work. Why I am just not progressing the global projects. One of the things I cited was my memory/concentration problems which I feel add to my insecurity and inability to perform, and that I also have a lot personal issues going on. I talked to Dr. K about it and couple of key things out of today:
1. Back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and the fact that I am prioritizing the more fundamental needs right now; things at work in particular are not a priority and I am simply not paying attention to things that are not meaningful; she believes that I do not have a memory issue at all. Not sure I agree since I have memory issues in many aspects of my life, but something to chew on.
2. I have done all this journaling and exploration and I still don't have answers. It seems that I still don't know myself thoroughly enough to reach conclusions, establishe new goals and move on - I am still churning, somewhat directionless. She says this is because I don't ask myself the really difficult questions, that I only go so deep and don't seriously look at myself. For example, if I had to make a choice, would I go along with the crowd and compromise my principles to fit in, or would I take an unpopular viewpoint because I believed in what was right? I believe I tend toward the latter, but my answer to that question would probably be 'it depends'. It depends on the situation, who was involved, what is at stake, decisions are hardly usually black and white. "It depends" is probably my modus operandi, and then I micro-analyze each situation instead of having a life governed by certain fundamental principles. I need to look deeper to see if I can uncover patterns and principles and tendencies to better know myself, even if each situation does need to be assessed individually.
3. I remarked that one of the things I really like about Michael is that he has such a deep knowledge of himself, such fully developed principles, is so consistent in his opinions, its really refreshing, you always know where is coming from and he always speaks what is on his mind without mincing words, tap-dancing around the issue, or worrying about what other people think or how they feel. Now granted, socially, this attracts and repels different people and it doesn't bother him one bit. Me, on the other hand, I am always so worried about what other people think, that I often forget to care how I think and how I feel, I always wrap it up and lose it in worrying about what other people think. I have to learn to isolate the "Mol" from the "audience" and ensure that my opinions are informed but ultimately developed from the inside->out. And that what comes out of my mouth is really what I am thinking, and not colored by what the other person wants to hear.
I followed my intuition and wrote an email to Pitch better articuling why I gave him the hard copy journal, and how travelling or at least changing setting tends the 'loosen one's brain', and that it is a process to figure out what you want to do next, but you will rediscover a lot of really great things about yourself along the way. I figured either he would 'get it' and 'get me' and my voice of experience, or think I was a nutjob or a psycho. Well - he gets it. I got a note from him from Munich saying "you're right on too many fronts".
Michael - simply put, I am not getting what I need. We are on for Thursday but his attention and priority are elsewhere right now. I don't mind 2 weeks between seeing each other if the communication is good in between, but its been pretty sparse since the wake. A little sad, because he has been plugging a certain void, but I guess I need to be a big girl and know that if things don't turn around there will be someone else...eventually...to snuggle and have mumblymoo with.
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OnceUpon-A-ThinGirl
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 June 2009 03:14 am |
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| Glad the diet and exercise are going well Mol. Good for you for knowing that even if things are hard with Michael right now and he may not be the one, you will find somebody else.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 June 2009 04:04 am |
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Thank you Once. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea. It's just not every day you find one who always makes your knees give out.....sigh....
My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult - Sex on Wheelz http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdLyoCgDKFs&feature=PlayList&p=C0ABD3E340579966&index=0&playnext=1
Anyway I just came back by to say *123*, and after two lo-cal+exercise days, my tummy feels so nice and flat. Bedtime now...no snacking!!!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 June 2009 09:48 am |
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Holy crud, did I snack. I was so close to going to bed on time, and without snacking too...its that drowsy state again where I lose focus. Of course the 'excuse' of two low net days in a row was all I needed to keep right on going. Let's see. Pasta+sauce, 1/2 hamburger, peanut butter sandwich+triscuits, mini-eclair. 1300? Well, that's 1650 Net for the day, what can I say really, thank goodness for that run earlier.
So, now I am being my insomnic self, having slept for 3.5 hours or so before waking up, and I can squarely blame my eating habits. My constant companion "Stupid Bird" is singing away outside the window. Not good for balance or productivity tomorrow.
I am looking forward to my scheduled activities in the days ahead, and have 'just said no' to a couple of invitations on the weekend, namely yet another h.s./hometown meetup and a B-Day party for EF's son, I have no desire to spend yet another full weekend out in the hometown area. Thursday eve is Michael and, if that doesn't happen, my backup plan is to hang out w/Chris @ #3 which is always entertaining on Thursdays. Friday night likely I will spend some quiet time around the house, getting organized and perhaps having a couple of people over to drink some more of this leftover beer. I've made seeing my Dad+his gf a priority on Saturday and am taking the train out so as to give myself a break from driving 50 miles each way. If it is nice out we are taking a boat ride and if not we are going to the movies. Sat night is an industrial event night and Sunday, I intend to sleep in then have a Super Sunday in the woods.
It does show where my priorities are at. I mean this is Weds AM. There are 3 workdays left. I missed work Monday due to my aches and malaise. I've got serious stuff to do and need to be productive, yet I am sitting here writing away on CPH and checking the networking site. Speaking of which...
Nice to see Pitch just commented on my networking site page...from Munich. Its amazing how connected we all are. I am thinking of how my friend S was on safari and was using her crackberry to provide updates, anecdotes, and to stay connected. We have conveniences a former generation could not have imagined, and this is part of what makes me think there isn't much downside to taking an overseas assignment.
OK this is even more random than usual and I am just filling up time. I am going to try to catch a 2-hour nap or its going to be a really really long day.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 June 2009 09:57 pm |
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Oh, how I set myself up for a challenging food day today.
First, I only got about an hour additional sleep, couldn't get up, kept hitting the snooze, and finally got out of bed an hour and a half late. Late to the office. Hungry for brekkie, had to avoid the scones. Then an hour later, really wanted to rummage for chocolate. At lunch, more urge to be naughty, contained to a southwestern chicken salad with 1/2 the dressing but did include the moderate amount of tortilla chips and cheese it comes with. After lunch - more chocolate cravings. OK this could be pre-TTOTM effects, this is day 24 I think, but I am sure it would not be nearly this difficult if I'd have avoided the binge last night.
Pitch mentioned Saturday that he gets a kick out of the occasional photo shots I text to him as something interesting in life comes along. This morning, I saw that my avacado was labelled the same oddball name as his cat. So I took a photo and sent it along to him in Munich and a while later received an enthusiastic reply. Fun. : ) Cats and avacado jokes spanning the globe. There must be another joke in there somewhere.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 June 2009 04:01 am |
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A Day of Small Victories
In spite of all the chocolate urges, stemming from overconsuming, lack sleep, and PMS, I managed to have a successful day! Got out of the office later than usual but plenty of daylight left and such a lovely sunny, crisp early evening run I had in my beloved woods! Mmmmmmmm. 3.1m 2.85J/0.25W in 32:13. Came home, unloaded the dishwasher while talking to S, then went and did my toning. This put me in line to eat dinner around 8:45 which is later than my 8PM cutoff, but the nice thing was, I am not so very hungry immediately after a workout, AND I will be less likely to snack I think. Totals for the day: 1363IN/988 Net.
I gotta say, even with my loose rolly skin I am amazed at how much the toning is really improving my physique. I am quite sure I have a baby six-pack, you just cannot tell because of the skin. Now that I am running consistently again also, into my second year of being a runner, I am continuing to build and shape muscles and I like the results in my thighs. I am still going to need cosmetic surgery at some point to tighten things up, there's no way realistically that I can accomplish that via toning alone. My breasts and abdomen are frightening, and my butt sags.
*123.5* after dinner. I wonder how much of this weight is excess skin? Disgusting I know, all this talk about skin tonight but it is becoming a real source of insecurity. I don't want to be ashamed of my body, I've worked hard and I want to really feel and look attractive.
Goals for the rest of the evening: Not much, Go thru the mail, pick up a little for the maid, get to bed by 10:20, sleep IN the bed.
I will more surprised if I do hear from Michael tomorrow than if I don't. My contingency plan is #3 with Chris; I haven't actually asked him yet of course, but I will have to get out of this house regardless. If Chris is not available, I commit to go somewhere and start writing the story concept I've been developing since my trip to AZ. It is time to stop thinking about it and just start getting it down. It's rather an exciting prospect.
Ladytron Seventeen just came on the radio. Good place to stop, I rather think. "They take a polaroid and let you go..." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncl7New1czM
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 June 2009 05:12 am |
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| Oh, meant to note: temp 1st thing this AM 96.4. After toning/before dinner 95.4. Before bed 97.0. Lower back pain too...spells TTOTM; gonna figure out this bod if it kills me.
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 June 2009 02:52 pm |
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Well, I got to bed almost an hour late last night, however
1. Didn't snack.
2. Slept in the bed.
3. Temp back almost normal (98.2).
4. Woke up fairly refreshed and sharp, on my game.
ANDDDDDDDDD....
I came in to an email which will require me to go to London on business the first week of December which means I can go hang out with Spike as well as some other people. Iceland may get put on hold now so I can use my vacation days for the U.K. Sweeeeeettt!!!
It is a good day in Mollyland.
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 June 2009 06:07 pm |
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Sounds like more NSV's Mol!
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mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 June 2009 01:42 am |
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The Return of RMM
1404IN/1404Net. Now I am tired. I actually watched my emotional Rocketship launch in action tonight, like a third party observer, like that gal in My Stroke of Insight who was observing with fascination her faculties evaporating, all the time being powerless to stop it from happening. I am still in orbit, but trying to come down.
The trigger was hearing finally from Michael @ 5PM, texting that he didn't want to go out tonight, that he is stressed out, no apology, no tenderness. And of course I took it that he just didn't want to see me, but when we spoke on the phone later, I could actually hear in his voice, it's completely true. He's panic-striken over not having found work yet and was online looking at dissolving his 401K because he only has enough cash in the bank for about 2 months' worth of assessments etc. on his condo. He's got a lot of pride and doesn't want anybody to give him anything, he simply wants to work. Period. So I mellowed out some especially once he was more himself on the phone, but the Rocketship didn't go away, the buzz is still there. It put me into a different state of mind now, not thinking clearly, and being unproductive, its been over 2 hours. It will probably be about 4 hours before I come down, I've only really tracked the cycle duration once before.
Sooo...I must calm down before going out later so I don't end up medicating my emotions with alcohol. Chris was enthusiastic about meeting up but I don't want to be out late and I don't want to drink too much because I have an 8:30AM conference call. Perhaps I will take a Xanax and see if that calms me down.
OK so here's the RMM (Rocketship Management Mode) plan:
1. Take a Xanax
2. Go ahead and get dressed.
3. Drink lots of water.
4. Finish up the TM analysis for the 8:30 conf call.
5. Leave early, 9PM.
6. Be home by 1:30AM
I totally want to have a productive day tomorrow and enjoy working from home! And get in a nice run! I won't let a Rocketship ride ruin a well planned, happy, and productive weekend ahead. Right on. XOXOXOXOX
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Hisgal
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 June 2009 03:04 am |
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OK, Mol, I want to ask this, but I'm not quite sure how to ask it..............so here goes......
Why do you let people (Michael at the current time) send you off on this emotional "Rocketship"? As far as I can tell..........you've got a date with Chris already lined up for tonight..........you're networking with Pitch in Munich..........and Michael just seems to me, to be not very kind, considerate or committed to any relationship. So, why is he enough to warrant taking a Xanax to calm down? You have to pop a pill over him and his behavior? And by the way, if you are really that upset...........I'd add a 5-B to that list..........."Don't drink any alcohol"
I hope you don't mind my asking, and you don't have to answer me, but maybe if you think about it, you might answer some questions for yourself. I know we are very different in our viewpoints, but I truly don't understand it! I can see letting my husband of 34 years have that affect on me............or one of the children I gave life to.......but some guy that I couldn't even legitimately call an important part of my life, and not for a very long time span..........I just can't see it. I think you need to find an anchor and purpose in your life. You know what mine is.
Hope tonight goes well for you, Mol............you need to find a way to ground that "rocketship", so it doesn't take off ever again! Don't let people or things have that kind of control over you!
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