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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 22 November 2008 07:08 pm |
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hmm how do i start? i have always been struggling with my weight, image, size etc. Though I am better now than I have ever been, somehow i feel worse in my head than ever before. That is ironic really, because all my life I wanted true love and happiness and a man that accepts and loves me for WHO AND WHAT I AM. I have had that now for a year, as well as independence and being home full time to raise my daughter instead of putting her into someone elses hands and somehow I am not happy in my head. Sure, we all have drama, I happen to have my family drama, the brother who drinks too much and emotionally hurts my dad for it and my dad who is co-dependent to my brother calls and talks to me after the latest spouts of verbal abuse. Its an ongoing cycle that I used to have to deal with daily, but thankfully now I have to hear it weekly or bimonthly....but it never goes away. I have dealt with family drama and not being good enough all my life. I am the baby and with two older thinner brothers i got the abuse and teasing all my life. I still had it and have it from time to time. I am thinner now than before my child, but Lord I know in their heads they still think I am FAT. I dealt with that all my life, its how it was for me. How did I deal? I ate whatever was the worst most emotionally soothing thing in the cabinet. I still do that, even today, even when the dogs jump the fence and run off and when my daughter wont listen to me...i go for the food. I eat lots of it!!! and then I feel like S*&^!!!!!!!
Now I am 34, married when i thought I wouldnt be, with a gorgeous 3 yr old daughter that i thought i would never have, living this somewhat ideallic life in the open wide spaces of the southwest. My life took a huge turn when I had her and I have not looked back, but the internal abuse still lingers. Now, I am home and very busy maintaining a home and a life for the 3 of us plus our 3 dogs and I love it but I am losing control of my own control somehow. I cant put a finger on it, is is because I am not out being a workaholic in the rat race making ends meat? is it because I feel like I need to participate in the ratrace? is it because when I left real estate I left the friends I thought I had? I dont feel lonely, quite opposite, I never get a moment to myself. I run run run all day, you would think I am losing weight, not gaining it.
so here I am, attempting something new yet again and hoping it will shed some light on my internal struggles. I work out weekly, some weeks its every day, other weeks its only 3 but I do it. I set the time aside, close the door at her naptime and give it my all. Sometimes I am resentful that my only down time has to be exercising but I know my body needs it. I am recovering from what was a simple foot injury in June while doing heavy landscaping and now I have a damaged Plantar Faschiitis and have to wear this cumbersome splint to bed....yay...but I am doing it so that i can resume my activities and I am grateful not to have surgery in my future. I enjoy walking the most, and I really enjoy pushing myself, I also use a Bowflex to build muscle and I get a kick out of using the weights and building and toning but I dont see results, or rather... I DONT SEE THEM. Others do, but why not me? why do I still see the 250 pd girl when I look into the mirrors reflection? I am in at 193, once down to 178 <last summer when I was working like a dog, and running all around pleasing my broker and dead end "looky lou's" who just wanted to see inside of homes for sale? and barely eating except when i would leave in the morning> I know my mind is distorted, perhaps from the years of verbal putdowns from exboyfriends, critical people, friends who said they loved me, etc.... mostly i think its myself though. And the ex's as we know they never leave the burns in your mind. They all thought I was cute, but I sure could lose some weight. That is not something any man or boy should ever say to the person they are choosing to be with, esp when they are not in the best shape themselves and their lives revolve around alcohol or partying cuz they are young and have all the friends? (ok, digressing, sorry!)
I maybe have a lot of history that never got resolved or worked out. I have never been abused physically, but I am well aware that I dated guys who were really losers and just dated me so they had someone to coddle them and nurture them. I was always trying to keep them happy and failed to keep me, numero uno happy. Now, at 34, I am struggling with a wonderful loving genuine mature man who adores me, my mind, my body, all of me and when he tells me that I just shake my head. Have all the years of not loving enough caught up with me? I am punishing him for all their put downs and that is not fair.
Hence, I am here. Trying to love me. Trying to find where ME is in my head, my body and my soul. I feel like i put soo much out there for everyone else that I forget myself and I am afraid I am too late to get me back. I feel lost, buried and unable to scream so someone hears me...but if they heard me would they just tell me to quit my bitching and be happy because I have it all?
Why is it asking for more to be healthy and in shape and not overweight? here it is noon, and I havent eaten anything. I took my dose of clinitrim and have been busy ever since and I far passed the 30 minutes lapse between taking them and eating...and well, am i defeating myself in what i just did?????
baby is here , time for her to play with mommy and play horsey rides ....she is so beautiful....is she really a product of me????
until later...hugs
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Terabyte
New Member
| Joined: | 18 November 2008 |
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| Posts: | 886 |
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Posted: 22 November 2008 08:10 pm |
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I hope that you can find the mental healing that you are looking for, because it sounds like that is what you really need. And, like you said yourself, you pretty much do have it all--a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, you've lost a bunch of weight.... all of your problems from your past are haunting you only because you allow them to. I would strongly advise putting a stop to those thoughts as soon as they start and don't entertain them one bit. Don't write about them, don't talk about them, they don't deserve any more of your attention, and furthermore, your attention is what keeps them alive and coming back.
It is not an easy process, it does take work, daily work, sometimes lots of times during the day because bad thoughts have a way of popping up a lot, especially when you have gotten used to thinking this way. But the way to extinguish bad thoughts is to stop them right when you notice you are thinking them.
Something I like to do is when I have a bad thought, you don't even need to think about pushing it away or giving it attention, just notice that you are thinking a bad thought and then replace it gently with a good thought, any good thought, but definitely one that makes you feel good. Maybe for you something like "I am so happy to have my daughter in my life" or something like that. And actually say it out loud or whisper it or just say it in your head if you are somewhere that you can't say it out loud. And just keep doing that! Eventually the bad thoughts will come around less and less and you will find yourself a much happier person.
Our minds create our realities. So if you want a different reality, you have to utilize mental technology.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 25 November 2008 04:48 pm |
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  Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! A quick check on the scale today reflects me at 192lbs, down from 193.5! I must thank you all for sending me thoughts of my thoughts...i think it is helping!! and too, my husband and i had a talk last nite about my "hiding food". It was interesting really. He went for a box of cordial cherries and i jumped up and justified that baby and i had 2 of them earlier....side note..(see, when i lived at home with mom and dad...raising my baby the first 2 years of her life i did ALOT of justifying to my dad and he was always noticing EVERYTHING..) and he was like, oh ok...thats fine...and we moved on.. Like 30 minutes later he stops everything to talk to me about why i had just explained myself? asked where it derived from? was it ex's or parents? friends? and further told me that he wants me to eat, to enjoy eating what we have, that its ok to have a snack or grab something on the way thru the kitchen if i get the itch and he wont ever tell me not too. He basically supported what i am going thru right now in my own realizations of how i "closet eat" in secrecy and he said he wants no more of it. If I need to hide it, i must know that i am not supposed to be doing it, or i am not really hungry and i am hiding something else...whether it be upset, sad, anxious etc..and he wants us to be open about that...come to each other and talk and if i really want to eat after talking about it, then go for it and eat. Dont be ashamed to eat, and esp the way i prepare something DONT HIDE IT!!!! Enjoy it and share it with all of us!!
So, that was crazy, I was stunned because noone, not even my parents have ever talked with me about my secrecy tendencies...which they were totally aware of. I love him.    I am so lucky to have such a great man who is here to talk, how many men like to talk honestly about women issues? its sad really, and i admit to having a dad and brother who really just dont go there. My other brother is now a dad and married, so he has really come around to his feminine side and softened up alot. He and I are closest, needless to say. :) Anyhoo, i have much more, but that is just talking...like we put up the christmas tree this weekend...I knoW! its early but we have company coming for Thanksgiving and decided that rather than taking away from the visit with something like a tree and lites...that we would have it all pretty ahead of time and now all my christmas decorating is done and I am very pleased with myself for getting it done so that I can enjoy the next few weeks and I really really enjoy the holiday season so its just perfect! We have one big tree, that is multi colored without ornaments now..and then I have three small redwood trees that I did with all blue that are spread around the living space of our house. Its quite cozy.  Maybe I will take a picture? :)
It is officially Thanksgiving week, I am making my first turkey! I have a great old Martha Stewart Thanksgiving show that has an awesome turkey recipe and I am nervous but excited! Hubby is gutting the bird though, I care not to go there.. :) Its wierd to think I wont be with my parents this year? but then, each year there is always so much drama...and overeating...this year, i think its gonna be a lot DIFFERENT!!! Change is good!
Hugs!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 25 November 2008 09:31 pm |
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I did it! I laid the baby down, threw on the AMC channel and did my Bowflex Circuit workout. Boy did I FEEL IT today!!!! I havent done the Bowflex since Saturday, wow......But i got it done and now I can relax knowing I did a good thing for my body today. I will take the baby, her name is MJ for short...out today for our daily walk but now I can enjoy it and push myself without thinking it has to be my BIG WORKOUT for the day! :) It is cold and overcast today, how does one get the motivation to get out into the cold to exercise? 
i had tomato soup and fruit for lunch, it has been a solid good food day. i am drinking lots of water and had some coffee this morning with eggnog creamer. I know that is not the best, but it replaces the splenda and half n half and its only available on the holidays....
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 November 2008 06:37 pm |
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i am tired today. i actually fell asleep on the living room floor last nite! havent been sleeping well, esp getting adjusted to a SKI BOOT on my foot!  its a must have to keep my injury in check though. I didnt weigh in today, I am going to force myself to stay away from the scale until my scheduled weigh in on Saturday. I am trying to get the motivation to work out, but its overcast and cold outside and when its that way I like to relax indoors. Maybe I will do the bowflex today again, but then, we are getting company tonite, so maybe i should just RELAX and chill while i have the peace of just me and my baby girl? I dont know. We will see how the day unfolds. I had a good breakfast and sugar free cocoa, the fire is burning nicely, the house is closer to being ready except for bathrooms and vacuuming. DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO SUPER THAW A TURKEY by the way? I took my turkey out yesterday and he is still pretty frozen! HELP! :)
not much else going on around here, its a quiet day, kinda strange to not have heard from my parents yet...but no news is always good news!!
see you!
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 28 November 2008 06:23 am |
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Did you get your turkey thawed in time. If mine is still a little frozen, I just start cooking it a little earlier, and put it a low temp for awhile, then I crank it up to normal temp. when it is thawed.
Also, you can always thaw it with water. Set it in the sink with cold water....
I know, a little late, but good to know for future turkeys. I make turkeys, year round, cause I eat allot of it. I have even cooked them from the frozen state. You just have to cook them longer at a lower temp.
And I hope you weren't planning on deep frying, those have to be thawed completely!
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BEC950
Senior Member
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Posted: 28 November 2008 08:45 pm |
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Hi BJ,
I just wanted to stop by and say good luck on your weight loss journey. We are all here for you and rooting for you.
BEC
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 29 November 2008 05:21 pm |
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thanks for being here guys! its wierd to look forward to seeing that I have messages from things that I have said. I enjoy it! As for the turkey portwine, it was a SUCCESS! We put it in the sink with cold water and she cooked for about 3-4 hours, her color was lovely browny orange with a wonderful juiciness that I have never accomplished before in anything i have cooked. I am tickled! My hubbys sister is here with her kids, her hubby is military and was MIA over holiday, so last nite she made turkey and dumplings...I didnt eat more than one dumpling and today I weighed in at 191~ i HAVNT GAINED!!!
we had homemade pumpkin pie twice, she will be making it again before she leaves i am sure, they are lapping it up like puppies around a food dish! i have been very good, but not really trying to be...does that make sense? i enjoyed without going overboard and that is my first holiday that i can say that!
thanks for being here, all of you because i think my accountability here has helped me make the choices I have made these past few days. We havent gotten loads of exercise, but today we are considering a walk. Thanksgiving it rained all day, just like a holiday. :)
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 29 November 2008 06:06 pm |
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| i forgot to say that yesterday we golfed in the front "40" of our property. We live on 2.75 ac that is split and vacant. I like to hit the balls like a driving range, we can get out about 250 yds if you got the hit. I proudly hit about 5 to at least 220!!! I even found them afterwards and I listened to myself training my sister in law, her son and my hubby! :) I shone like a star cuz no one else can golf! :) Then my parents showed, my baby woke up and my dad hit some for a while. He really enjoyed himself and was suprised to see us out and playing cuz the weather was still ick..but not raining! Even my baby, was hitting the balls, though she bats at them like a basball..but she hit every one of them!! thats my girl!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 3 December 2008 11:38 pm |
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today i picked up mj from a almost 6 day visit with the grandparents, my mom and dad. we all know that its always tough to get the kids to come back home, but today seemed a little harder. i expect, perhaps unfairly to see my parents try to use the same tools i do when teaching, talking etc and well, my dad esp does not. i therefor have a week of getting her back on track, listening, asking nicely, cleaning up after herself, naps, bathing, using big potty and not diapers..etc.
it was too long a visit, i let it go too long. she is overtired, and i am upset with them for not keeping her in check and instead she walks all over them and they dont stop it. i dont like it. maybe i am nuts, but having lived in their chaos for soo long myself, i sometimes regret letting her stay because their life is so tense.....and it affects her. as it affected me.
anyway, so i weighed in today, back up to 193. #%@&! it. i am really frustrated with this weight thing. i did the bowflex yesterday, a lower wt, hi rep circuit workout and today had my first physical therapy appt, and then came home to do my 3mile leslie workout that i just got. we did go to mc'd's at walmart today though. she was so down, i got her a happy meal and i got a big mac and coke. no fries. ate the big mac one layer at a time, slowly. had a few fries of hers, but like 10? umm....and i came home feeling guilty for having it.
so, just now..while getting her ready to wind down with an early dinner of angel hair pasta, butter and cheese, a fave for her...i stood there eating it cold with my fingers. YEP. Its early, my hubby aint home yet, and dinner is yet to come...and look what i just did? #%@&! me for defeating myself. no wonder the scale is jumpy, look at how i am eating?????
    
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 4 December 2008 04:55 pm |
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its a new day today and i havent eaten anything except a carrot, water and my vitamins. i need to eat, but i either am not hungry or i am scared to select something to consume? either way its not a good place to be. i have been getting mj back to her routine here today, though she still misses my parents. she slept ok, and i didnt. I get so wound up about my parents, maybe since i lived there with them from 2005-2007 and got waay too involved with their lives because i took care of anything that anyone needed. my dad called a few times yesterday and i avoided his call. i did this because i know myself enough that i would have given him a bit more grief than he deserves and made him feel badly. I have to find this path on my own, and not try to hurt them for who i have become.
i love my mom and dad, they are good people, but they dont live for themselves or worry about themselves, but instead they argue, they blame, etc and it gets under my skin in a BIG way because I see it now and I want to change it. I realize that I can only change myself so I have to step away and that is the hardest part. My avoidance of them brings my stress to peaks that i dont like, and its straining my brain, and my relationship with my husband. He cant stand how I get down everytime I see them. I get moody, I bitch and moan and dont want to be touched or talked too. I just want to crawl into a hole and be alone, to recover from my seeing them. I hurt him by not telling him that i just need to be alone. He wont understand. He loves me so much, and those days I feel totally unworthy of that or any love and I just want to be alone to wallow in my own guilt. Guilt, maybe for leaving them alone and taking their beloved grandchild with me? Guilt for choosing MY LIFE and not theirs? I dont know, but something wierd happens to me when I am around them. I get sad, I get moody and I stop liking myself completely, which I DO ENOUGH ALONE THANKS!!!
Anyhoo, I need to be a stronger person. I need to toughen up and realize that this is MY LIFE and I dont have to let their Life Infringe on me. It is hard to do though. I certainly dont want to take their granddaughter away, but darn it if i can stand to got thru this roller coaster of emotions every time i see them. We all have to come back to our REALITY after the visits and its not right.
As for food, i love it and i am scared of it. I decided today that I will send back the CLINITRIM5 that I got. I spoke with a rep and she advised its not a good fit, but here are 4 other drugs that you can try that are popular for weight loss.......but you know what? i dont think I am gonna go for it. I am gonna get back on a track of better eating and movement and stop obsessing on a drug that is supposed to help. I figure now, with my Metformin and Birth Control Pills, plus my daily vitamins...that I am consuming more than enough drugs and I am going to stop and see what happens to my mind, my weight, my life.
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Bluebuggy
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 December 2008 02:43 pm |
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| Dont' be scared of food. I assume most things in the US have food labels that will help you track your calories. Choose food that is high in fibre or protein to keep you full and satisfy you. Stay away from processed prepackaged foods that are high in carbohydrates or sugar. Fresh fruits have sugar but it is a good sugar and combined with the fibre is good for your body. Try to eat good fats and stay away from saturated fats and trans fat ( I know saturated fats appear on the labels but am not sure if trans does). I get scared of what I eat buy find that if I write it down, I know where I am at and what I can have. I also use a food scale and if a serving says 1/2 cup - ie. pasta, I stick with that to get a idea of correct serving sizes. If you don't know the calories of something, there are so many websites that will tell you including this one. There are sooo many healthy choices that you don't have to live on a rabbit's diet to loose weight - you just have to find the healthy choices that you like.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 6 December 2008 03:08 pm |
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thanks for the info bluebuggy! I am happy to report that since Wednesday I have been on the calorie watching track. IT AMAZES ME WHAT I WAS DOING????
WOW! I laughed at myself for thinking I was doing ok with the calories, and so I did some research on how many i should have based on my size now...and that was like 2200-2500 depending on how active I am every day. So, trying to consider that I would like to lose, I looked up for 1200-1500 calories, how the "food pyramid" looks for that amount and I have watched it Thursday, Friday and starting out today with 2 eggs, 1 slice of ham, 1/3c shredded cheese and 1 sl of toast. I am trying to keep Atkins in there somewhere, or maybe the SOuth beach diet? I am going to allow myself the 2 slices of bread if I want them per day. I did say no to peppemint candy sticks three times yesterday and a wintergreen lifesaver...esp since I cant ever just eat ONE? I weighed in today and I am at 191.
WHEW.
I also worked out 4 days so far this week, and I am planning today as well. Today is Bowflex circuit workout. I plan to take off tomorrow and monday, aside from a nice hour long power walk with my husband and daughter, but we are planning to relax and put up christmas lights outside. Its funny, our neighbor beat us to the decorations last week, though ours were done Inside the house...! So all week we have been looking out our front window at HIS lights and we are very excited to OUTDO his arrangement....Arent we Twisted!>!>!??!???   i am excited, i have red, blue, clear and some multi colored strings and maybe even a few green strings from last years design. :)
It is supposed to be chilly and cool though, so we will play it by ear. We get horrible winds out here on the mesa, so he wont be on a ladder if that is the case. We are expecting rain on Monday? yay...i love it, then i dont have to water, but we have a lot of dirt and the dogs get soo dirty!!! aagh!
A housewifes work is never done!!!
I feel good. I have also stopped those crazy failure pills, the Clinitrim5. I am taking my vitamins and green tea extract and some vitamins with hoodia.
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 December 2008 05:02 pm |
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I don't understand about the calories. Maybe I am reading it wrong or something. Did you say you are going to do calories between 1200-1500 calories? That's usually where my calories range is. But, some days it's higher and some days it's not.
With your weight you might be pushing it going that low. I don't want you to mess up your metabolism. Maybe could do what Nir does and do like a few high days with a few low days. Look at his diary. I can't believe he is so accurate. He either has a 2200cal day or a 1600 calories day. Anyway, just a thought.
I don't recommend the diets you mention. I think it's more important to find something that just works for you. But, it sounds like thats what you are doing, just basing it on some sort of guide lines.
LOL, about the Christmas lights. My mother and her neighbor go at it every year, trying to out do each other. It's really funny cause no one else in their town even puts out lights. So, they are the only two house in their town with lights. And not just a few lights, allot, it really funny. The whole town is dark except for those two houses. So, have fun with that.
Ok, well it looks like your staying on track. Good Luck this coming week...
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 6 December 2008 05:39 pm |
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hello!
well, i guess i was trying to see if i lowered the calorie count that maybe would help me, along with my daily activity and working out. i was consuming empty bads, like cookies, candy cane sticks that are only around at christmas...(i tell myself that makes it okay to chew up 3 at a time.)....a glass of vitamin d milk or orange juice...these things for me are coming in three times the regular serving size...so i decided to see how i can pull off a 1200-1500 calorie day and see how i feel. I dont know if it is right, I havent ever seen a nutritionist and I dont pretend to know...except by how i am feeling.
i am guessing or rounding off the numbers and telling myself i am staying there, in the 12-1500 a day, but realistically i am probably around 1800-2000. With everything that I eat a day that is more like my reality i bet. I am trying to make a smaller dish, be aware of portion sizes and overeating. Weird to become aware.
i really want to eat something sweet, but i have to give myself a week of watching those things and see if i can tell a difference. Its easy to grab a cane as i walk by, or a sugar cookie i made for hubbys lunches, or again that 12oz glass of orange juice....they add up. Not to mention my munching while preparing the meals, bite here and bite there.....not paying attention and telling myself its ok.
its not ok. i need to be aware of everything i eat. BIG OR SMALL...HEALTHY OR JUNK....i just have to. Save the splurge for something special, like a late nite game of scrabble with hubby, and we have a cordial cherry or two. :)
i am using the 1200-1500 guidelines, but adding on the fruits and veggies and allowing myself vitamin d milk and orange juice, as i like them both. i also will allow for the 2 breads a day because i love it. As it is, todays breakfast was shared with my daughter, she grabbed half of bread slice and then i shared the rest of my eggs with the three pupps. they love eggs and cheese.
i know?!!>!> i allow the pupps to have people food. dont hate me. they dont get the pure junk. :) they are healthy and playful and beautiful and once i had a black lab that ate 5 1 lb boxes of holiday wrapped chocolates...she ate all of it. lived to be 13 years old that lab.
   
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 December 2008 05:53 pm |
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Ok, that sounds like your aware and on track. I am not a nutritionist either. So, sounds like your plan on being aware of how you feel, is a good one. That's what I did when I started out. I didn't count calories. I just went by how I felt. I still do at times.
I won't hate you for feeding your dogs stuff. My dog won't even eat her dog food, she mainly has table straps. But, she is old and not to many years left, so I let her get away with it. I really think that if a dog is healthy, then it shouldn't matter.
Ok, I got to go work out, the day is flying by...
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 9 December 2008 07:26 pm |
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amen sista! i am happy to meet another dog feeder. we had the company over thanksgiving, and they brought their labby/weimereiner and he was awesome, but never ate a scrap in his life! i have a hard time with that! i struggled to keep from giving him a bite of turkey, i mean turkey in its purest form is better than the processed in the bag! i have tried to keep it from the pupps, and gave up. It is soo easy to put the pans and empty dishes on the floor and let them clean them up. they love it and it saves my hands scrubbin the pans. LOL
as for the dieting plan, well, i weighed in on saturday at 191. Today, Tuesday I am down another pound to my original start weight of 190! Yippee!!!! I am thrilled to get back to where I began. I am aware of what is going in my mouth, and this weekend, though I made the family pancakes, I ate one small one with egg and fruit while they ate 2-4 each. I had a pepsi on sunday and it took me about 3 hours to finish it. I had a mountain dew yesterday, poured over a whole glass of ice and drank it slowly. I enjoyed it instead of GULPING it down. Does that make sense? I am eating slower. I am trying to chew each bite 10 {ten} times before taking another bite. Last nite, we played some scrabble, and I had 1 cherry cordial that I ate slowly and enjoyed immensely. It was tempting to go back for a second, but I passed it up.
I took the two days off, having worked out 5 last week. I decided that I will work out each day that D is working, which is Tues thru Sat and then I will take off Sun and Mon, with exception to walks with D and MJ (hubby and daughter) on the off days. I think I am feeling better mentally and spiritually and emotionally.
On the finance news, we are still looking into that Refinance, and it is looking good! We heard from our rep yesterday and his news was happy, so everyone cross fingers that we get the approval because we really need it! I am looking forward to paying off debts!!! So I can Breathe!!! We deserve it! And we would like to have some cash for Christmas! MJ wants a horsey rope and a horsey to play with, we are hopeful to get that for her. Not a real horsey but a play one, that maybe moves and makes noises? she would just go NUTS for it! I would love to get a miami dolphins hat and a chevy long sleeve shirt for hubby as well, and ordering from the "real websites" is not cheap.
It snowed here for about 20 minutes today, its grey and cold but it was nice. Our lights look awesome! Our fence is lined in blue, a swirly mutli colored tree in front, and then red and white in our biggest tree that is spanned up and down at random on the branches..it looks like the "octupus" rides at the fair or at an amusement park? its great! then on the porch we have two inflatables. Snoopy on his house with lites on it and he has his cap and goggles like he is flying soon. THen, Mickey in a choo choo train with a santa hat on. I love the holidays, easily my favorite time of year!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 10 December 2008 09:20 pm |
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i am having a good day today. yesterday i blasted thru my 3mile walking workout with the waistworking band thingy and i felt great after. i made a wonderfully yummy dinner for us, though hubby wasnt thrilled..he is such a picky but simple eater. he would eat frozen pizzas all the time if i let him. So, I got on the scale today to check my progress and wow whammo i am down to 188!
I almost fell over.
WOW, what i am doing is working? without any diet pills? does that make sense? not really....but something is working! i am so proud of myself! I went shopping for some baking goodies today for the hubbys holiday party this weekend...they are raising money by giving certain $ amounts on certain baking goods. I am making anise cookies with a red and green sprinkle that will be various star shapes, corn flake wreaths with cinnamon balls as berries, and maybe even traditional sugar cookies cut into holiday shapes decorated with colored home made butter icing.
I love to bake, so i am excited to get started...but its only wednesday. I spent more money than i wanted, but we run out of stuff so fast! it never ends! i cant imagine having a 5 person family...i would always be at the store!!! lol
so, today i did the bowflex circuit workout and enjoyed it as well. that is a scary thing! i feel good even though i went to bed last nite with a headache and spoiled my hubbys desire to be "intimate...? cuddly?" hee hee. ...cant just come out and say it now can i? :) so, thankfully today the headache has subsided but i started my period...which is just grand. It explains my moodiness on Monday that is for certain....though i never see it coming!
thankfully i have a winner for a husband and he is just as happy to cuddle and snuggle and fall asleep in each others arms. I love him. :) is it wrong to not feel like "doing it" while having my monthly visitor from mother nature? am i old fashioned? i am not rigid of afraid, just dont always wanna go there...ya know?
ok, maybe i said too much, but this is my diary and i am a grown woman and surely there are other women out there who agree somewhat??????
well, baby is napping, i just finished my workout, i am gonna relax for a spell. maybe lay down for a little and read some Harry Potter 6. Never gonna get it done!!!
see ya!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 11 December 2008 09:47 pm |
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happy thursday all!
had a fight with hubby last nite, over stupid things, but really the bottom of the argument is about my inability to display affection. i feel it, i love it, but i have a difficult time expressing and sharing it. i have a hard time getting close to anyone who really wants to stay around, and when they wanna leave i cant give enough away. what is that about? what is causing it to come up now in my life when i am a newleywed and should be blissfull happiness time? i am distraught. he tells me its ok, we both have baggage, but i cant seem to drop mine at the luggage check point.
i feel badly, and he is right, i display affection to all but him. i dont not pay attention, but by the end of the day i am wiped clean of any love and i am at wits end and just want a hot bath and some peace and quiet. i love to be near him, i love to hold hands, i love to snuggle, but some days i just dont want to be touched, by anything or anyone. I feel that those days are more than the others unfortunately. is it the hormones from the birth control pills? the lack of sleep from that boot i wear on my foot? the fact that i am not getting alot of adult interaction during the day and so i talk at him instead of to him? i just dont know.
so, i worked out to clear my mind. i did my 3 mile waistline workout, kicked my butt, felt it in my legs for sure. didnt want to go on, but couldnt stop either. made myself do it. do i feel better? sure. i have a baby napping, she has been pretty good today. its sunny outside and she loves to be outside, so its been a good day. i love her so much, its scary to me how like my mom i am. whenever the Slightest thing upsets or bothers me, i am Yelling and not being calm. Just like my mom, its what i grew up listening to and hating...and yet, here i am doing it. I dont seem to understand that perhaps i can get a point across to my baby girl without yelling at her. I get so wound up so fast, my tolerance is at zero. It doesnt help that when daddy comes home, he sais something one time and she does it. It doesnt ever take him 3 4 attempts at telling her to go and do something, like clean her room b4 dinner etc. Does that bother me? sometimes. It makes me feel like I suck. Like I cant do it, so he does it instead.
wow, did i say that? yes, i did. It is true. Usually i dont mind it, but some days it gets to me. My dad wasnt the authority in the house, mom was. Dad was very reticent and quiet and observant and mom would hit the roof at any moment at any time. I am trying to find my balance between the two in me, but its hard. Either I want to cry or i want to scream. Is this the way it is to be a mom? a wife? this is my first marriage. I dont know if I am doing it all ok, even when he sais i do wonderfully i still have my doubts.
I am feeling melancholy. I want to cry. I want to let it out, but I have to be strong. I guess inside I dont really know what a healthy meaningful loving relationship is like. I know what i grew up with, and yes, my parents are still married. Happily? i dont know, I suppose at times. Mom is the power horse and dad goes along with whatever she wants. I dont want to be or have that sort of relationship. I want balance and understanding and loving words. So then, why do i find myself acting out like my mom?
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 11 December 2008 10:21 pm |
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Hey, no one is perfect and nobody can go through marriage and raising kids without second guessing themselves, so give yourself a break.
Try new things to work out the problems you are having, maybe something will take and move you guys into a different direction.
I know the biggest key to marriage, and the same for dieting is just not to give up. If something don't work, then try something else. That's really all anyone can expect.
I also found that exercise is great when you are down. It makes you somehow feel better about yourself. At least it does for me. I also, get a great workout when I am mad. I can really pound out the miles when I am ticked off, lol
Anyway, hope things get better for you...hang in there.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 12 December 2008 03:10 pm |
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forget a marriage, that is fine its the freaking mortgage refinancing that is the B%&&*%$
as we know i have been anxiously waiting to learn where we stand, after we were supposed to be closed by thanksgiving...and today i get call from the old mortgage guy offering the best rates since 9/11. so, being presumptious and not giving a darn anymore, i wrote the new guy and told him we are being invited to go with another co. He apparantely overlooked D's child support, which was never a secret, its on his check stubs and this has caused the delay!? whatever....i swear, money people are for the birds. they are never honest. so he wrote me back and said that the underwriters are extremely backed up and blah blah blah...and meanwhile our mortgage for dec has been left unpaid and we are not short and behind. how do you catch up? this sucks rotten apples. i am so upset, i could scream but the baby would wake up. so, he said that he isnt sure of the delay, and blah blah and if we would like to move forward with another co. then please do so. YES, well, CHRISTMAS may as well pass us on. Dam it.
I am so upset. I dont even want to eat, i want to take this mans head and use it as a boxing bag! He had the info from day one on this deal back on Nov 2. He had all the info he could ever need and here we are a month and a half later, still on page one?
I dont even want to eat i am so upset. How wierd. Either way, its credit cards or mortgage that gets paid, and with the season as it is, D isnt making his 140 hour checks, we scramble for a 100 hours if we are lucky. He makes some great money, but its not double what he usually makes to get us back on the track we were on. Darn it darn it darn it.
aside from that i am good. we played scrabble last nite, and he fixed the tile on the backboard of our second bath, it was coming off the wall...so he took it all off and redid the whole thing. it looks lovely. the guy who built this home was a general contractor and has all this leftover supply he left in the garage, and well, hey we never thought we would need it, but now, i want it done to the master bath it looks so good!!! i love my hubby, he is talented, and great with his hands and so smart. and he keeps his cool!!! which is a great, wonderful thing!!!
its friday. we have friends coming over tomorrow to hang out. i need to go buy some stuff with credit i really dont have but having company means having beverage and goodies...so hostess is on duty! i wont leave till i get some word from our original mortgage guy though, so it could be a looooong morning!!!
aggh...something has GOT to give. Christmas is here, who would want to take away our Christmas?????????
love you guys, love myself!
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 December 2008 03:28 pm |
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lol.... what did you do, peak in my diary. I was complaining about the same thing. Well, not quite the same. But, I was complaining on how there is not enough money to go around. We are getting hammered with doctor and dentist bills right now. This is probably the worse time for it. We have Christmas and then next month we have property taxes due. That's always a killer.
Anyway, it will get better, that what I keep telling myself.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 12 December 2008 03:44 pm |
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he hee hee no i havent gotten the chance to get into your diary, but its nice to know that we arent alone! its tough! i am doing my best to hold faith my original guy will come thru and save the day. i cant bear to see us get behind. i have sent him all the info, but i have to be patient, he lives out of town like us, and has to get his son to school....so after 9 our time i should be hearing from him. pray with me! lol :) we need to have a money prayer session so we can all relax and allow God and his angels and saints to do their magic.
i cant even go into medical. i am on medicaid until feb, and then we will have to declare with D's income, which blows the numbers out of the water and i will no longer qualify for state aid. I am dreading that because its blue cross, i will have to change the doctors and them copays and then the deduction each month for his check will go from 55 to like 265!!! how will we ever keep up??? how is it done???
aaghhh.......i need a punching bag.....like Yesterday!!!!
i will share my oars with you as we paddle up the financial impossibillities stream!!!
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 December 2008 05:28 pm |
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Well, I am hoping after January things will look better around here. I just paid off the camper and that will help. Plus, we should have the dentist taking care of by then. I need to spread them out more. If we all go at the same time, I can't afford it.
The big thing that got us, was the unexpected problem tooth, that my daughter had. How do you plan for an unexpected bill like that. $850.00 for one tooth...
Ok, I got to quit gripping in your dairy. But, I will take you up on the paddle...thanks.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 12 December 2008 05:37 pm |
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gripe baby gripe! it helps me to get thru my stress! i am at 189 today, but i am happy anyway, to be under the 190 mark is good for me. it kinda gives me a push to stay there you know! as for my situation, we have two guys looking into the re-fi, our first guy is doing a prelim look to see if he can expidite better thru his channels and the one guy in ohio is not giving up because he feels in his gut it will be approved, it just may take some time. I blew up at him though, i sent like three different letters to him and he came back with good answers to calm me down. either way, we are behind on the mortgage and when we do our taxes is when we will pay it back and get it current again. it pains me, but if that is where we go, then that is what happens and we get thru it. we are strong, you and me! you can get your stuff handled too! i cant get over the cost of teeth! have you looked into mexico? well, wait, no where are you? we are just a few hundred miles from juarez and palomas where you can get dental work from trained usa graduates for a lot less money!!!!!!! D needs a whole mouth done, he has been graced with less than beautiful teeth and needs them all pulled then get a full new mouth, which oh lord..who can imagine the cost? down there its like half the price. as for me, i have a partial on top with 6 fakes, and the rest have short roots by my family tree so i am facing some where down the road dentures or permanant implants or whatever will be available then. For now, I try to take care of them, in fact i am a good girl and getting a cleaning on the 22nd. Teeth, we need em, but why do the dentists have to charge us the cost of a house to get em fixed!!?!?!?!?!
BLAH!!!!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 12 December 2008 10:20 pm |
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so after not eating all morning, i got baby down for her lunch and i pulled out the chow mein i made the other nite. it was delicious but i ate too quickly and my stomach felt like it weighed 20 pds!!! i sat in regret and let it settle.
NOTE TO SELF do not skip meals, no matter the cost as it leads to overeating and eating too quickly.
now we have two men working for the cause of the refinance.  i hope to hear from both of them by end of the day, but in the one on the east coast, his 5pm is here now and nothing yet from him. My side, here the one we worked with, will advise as late as 9pm...that is why we like him! so, alas i know nothing yet.
D is optimistic, as he talked to Rob the local one, his spirits were up when we last spoke. Earlier today he was rather upset, you know, over the deal. Wishing he had just let it lie and kept plugging the hours at work. But come on, enough is enough, 140 hours on a two week pay period is too much.
I managed to get the Bowflex workout in, between painting my toes and fingernails with my holiday red nail polish. I knoW! What women does her own nails anymore??? Me. I enjoy it. I get a release of stress to make my nails pretty. :) I keep em nice, but they chip with day to day...and i get dirty, let me tell you! So, yeah, I do a set of 15 leg extensions and then paint my nails in the between rest time. LOL
I am a woman, gotta love me..
i keep seeing the coolest holiday smilees and presents and cool things on other threads from people...they are animated and cute as heck...emoticons? they are so cute, do they bog down a computer??? hmm, need to look into that.
i just took a bath, whew, some quiet time. here i am on the computer. i have a CSI and 2 ER's to watch. I am sad to see Both of my favorite shows coming to an end. Well, I dont think CSI is going, but Peterson (Gill Grissom) is leaving the show to be replaced by Laurence Fishbourne.....who I like, but not like I like Peterson...he is so endearing with his salt/pepper hair and glasses and infinate knowledge of all the makes the universe tick. I have been watching CSI Las Vegas since its inception, its gonna be wierd without him. I dont miss Sidle or Warrick like I will miss him. He made the show. Him and Lady Heather needed to get together.
Ok, so I like that show. That and ER and Tory and Dean, Home Sweet Hollywood on lifetime oh and Burn Notice and The Mentalist and Boston Legal....umm, yeah, I think that is all. :)
We record them and then try to get back to watch them when time allows..hence, I am about 50 shows behind cuz we never have the time!!!!
ANyhoo, so i am trying to rest my head for a spell. I would lay down for a small nap but surely MJ would wake up from her nap just as i was falling asleep....hee hee....ahh the good life...
What to make for dinner? What I would give for a fresh hot out of the oven pizza with everything, from our favorite pizza place.....ha ha ha......that was mean of myself to do that. Cant afford, not worth driving the distance...too many reasons why that wont happen...so back to the kitchen to see what is around...
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 13 December 2008 03:19 pm |
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well, yesterday blew it for my weigh in today, when it should count. i came in at 191 again. dam it. i am so upset that i blew it, now i just dont know how to get back on. i have to make cookies today, i am b.i.t.c.h.y. and irritable and snappy. I let hubby down last nite for some lovins, even after i said that was what i wanted to do that same morning? go figure, what i a woman, so he was down, i was crabby and tired and well you know the story. so todays talking in bed starts with how upset i was yesterday, and then it escalates to my physical therapy appt on monday that is his day off...and he has to watch mj while i go. We had talked about how important these appts are because i need the full use of my foot and then we get to talking about how bad mj is when she comes home after a visit to the g-parents house, so lets not take her there...I do all this jumping around to accomodate his wishes, and well, mine too...but one day he is ok with having her monday and since he said ok, he has been #%@&! about it, with the guilt of its our time to spend together...etc and well, how can i win?? i dont think i can. I change appt to a day that i can take her to g-parents and get grief for that cuz of how she behaves, keep her here and i get grief that we dont get to spend time together. I offered to have us all go, he said well what do i do with her while you go to appt. I said, oh, i dont know a daddy thing, take her to the park...?
I regretted that, as simple as it was...he got up and went to get ready for work and i now feel worse. I cant make everyone happy. DAM IT. I am crying now, It has to come out. You know, I didnt want to get hurt, I hate going to the doctor. I hate that my freaking parents cant respect my hard work with my daughter and try to keep her in check when she is there. She is 3 she will manipulate your softness to no end, getting all she wants by saying i want this or that etc and she knows better but since they dont even listen when she is there, well, she gets away with it and by the time i get her back its #%@&! to pay for my hard work. As it is, I have a hard enough time to get her to ask me nicely and not take take take or not clean her room etc. I can rant all day, but its not helping me. I want to yell at everything, I dont want to make stupid cookies and go to the stupid party with people i dont care to know. I dont want to go to the dr on monday and have my foot analyzed, and no i dont feel like having sex either. I am having my monthly visitor and it makes me wretchid and horrible and i jsut want to be alone. Top it off its supposed to snow. I should be happy, I love the snow.
I blew my good eating yesterday, I ate a peanut butter sandwich, then 4 small sugar cookies, the 3 peppermint sticks, then 2 glasses of orange juice, and i barely made my workout worth it...i mean come on, paintinng my nails for gosh sakes??? come on betsey jane.....what am i thinking????
i gotta go feed the baby, her name is madeline. my hubbys name is davey. there no more secrets.
We did get a call from Rob our refi guy here, he got a desk top approval, whatever the #%@&! that means.....but it made Davey happy. Today he likes Rob. 5 months ago he was insecure about Rob being a good friend to me, see I harbored a small crush for Rob over two years ago....found out he was Gay and that took all the unknowns out and I would love to be his buddy but somehow it makes Davey upset. He feels that if Rob had not been gay i would be dating him and never even looked at Davey. Well, now is that silly or what? Bottom line, Rob is too unstable...a mortgage man never has stability..in fact his stress is high like mine was in real estate, i just want him in my life as my suportive gay friend. I think that should be ok, but its not apparently. So i let it go.
But now, all the sudden, Davey is planning to invite him over for Davey and Joes birthday party at the end of the month.....hmmm??? interesting how fickle a man can be. He changes his mind day to day, sometimes worse than a woman.
I really gotta go now. Dam i am ranting, forgive me everyone...
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 15 December 2008 09:04 pm |
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well, its monday. its snowing, finally. we had snow in forecast all weekend, and today it showed up. two inches in albuquerque and we are about 1.5 inches. It isnt stopping but its not super heavy either. It is nice.
i gave up trying on Saturday due to the holiday party at D's work, and the cookies etc. I didnt overeat since I didnt eat much the entire day. We then had company that nite, so I didnt watch alot, but i was aware. I had beer, my Michelob Ultra, 74 calories a can. Yesterday, i was aware, but D wanted to make some more frosted cookies, so we did that together and of course, I munched on the dough...my favorite thing at this time of year. I was aware, but I ate anyway.
For dinner last nite, I made a homemade pizza with cheese and fresh garlic. Had to get the cheese used, it was getting old. Cut into small 1.5in squares and ate 6 of them. We still have half the pizza left over in fact. I then had 2 3-4in pancakes cold last nite while playing scrabble. I wasnt hungry but i ate them anyway. Later, as I wondered back to the kitchen and stared blankly into the fridge, while waiting for D to take his turn...he stopped and asked me if I was hungry or bored or upset and needed to eat something?????
I promptly took offense and said I didnt know then sat down without eating anything further.
He put me in Check. Good for him. I thanked him for it, though I did resent it somehow? Is that wierd? I was bothered but relieved?
I started this day in a better frame of mind. Yes, the scale jumped up...but come on, what else did I expect it to do? I went nuts with cookie dough. I ate pizza, I had posole, I had a tamale, pumpkin pie, soda...I cant expect the scale to stay down when I am eating like I did.
So, today I am on track. I did have 1 slice of a bagel with butter wiht my egg and kielbasa but I didnt eat the WHOLE BAGEL. I am happy that I didnt eat it all.
We ate late, around 11am, so that was lunch and breakfast combined. I am not hungry now, just thirsty maybe?
Its almost 2pm, D is working on the ickey tile in the master bathroom, mj is taking a nap after playing outside in the snow and we are waiting to hear from Rob about the refi progress. I am calm, I am sneezing like a MADMAN right now, since this morning. I am all stuffed up but I dont know why. I hope it isnt a cold! I feel ok, but with the stress last week...it wouldnt suprise me in the least if i got a cold!! It has been #%@&! weather for the last week too.....oh well, I have my tissue and I am dealing with it.
I dont think I am working out today. I am going to rest and enjoy the day with D because he goes back to work tomorrow. I am going to stay on the Tues-Sat workout schedule, while he is at work. That way I can enjoy the two days off with him, since our evenings get taken so frequently and we dont get alot of time together.
I was supposed to be at the physical therapist right now, but they called this am, apparently overbooked the tech so I am going tomorrow morning instead. Yay.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 16 December 2008 02:29 pm |
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last nite ended with my eating 3 of my anise star cookies. i picked the smallest of the 3 star shapes to eat! does that help! not really, i know. so today its sunny but we are supposed to get more weather thru thursday...ha we will see. i wish it would snow more!!! today i have a physical therapy appt in abq, so i am up to get things moving around the house. it is also my grammas birthday, so i am going to make an extra stop at my parents () to deliver some books, a cake, and a card. I dont know if they plan to take her out or not, but I got my part done. It is tough living so far away, but then, i was there for all of my life, what is a year or two i am not there? its just too much hassle, we get home so late, mj is thrown off, its not that fun, and i can go on, but i wont.
Anyhoo, I have to work out today, this week it will be 3 bowflex and 2 3 mile walks. And anything else in between. I feel bloated today. Last nite we ended up having fajitas with beef, onions and peppers. D made the corn tortillas crispy, kinda like a tortilla chip but not that crispy? yes, he fried in veggie oil, but it was good. I had two of them, and I also had hot peppers. I love hot peppers. Not vinegar hot but hot. :) Then, I had a 1/2 c of lime sherbet ice cream, then a few cookies in there somewhere.....so basically, as the nite went away i ate. Dam it.
Gotta get back on track. I stepped on teh scale just for laughs with my heavy robe, my flannel pajamas and slipppers...and came in at 197. wow. I will weigh in the real way once i am back from the errands today. I pray it will be a lot less!!!
lol.....this is tough. this dieting thing, it is easier to maintain...but i so want my jeans to fit nice around my middle.....i dont want to be sucking in my belly forever....
aghh....ah but i do it to myself....i will get back on to the track. i have too. PS, i forgot to talk about getting into an argument with my dad on saturday about why madeline is not coming to their house for the time being...he just didnt get my feelings. Maybe I expressed them wrong. I dont know. I am not looking forward to seeing them today, not sure how it will go. I know I am not alone in this, but it sure feels like it. I have to get them to respect what I need to do for madeline, I need to get to a point with her that I can send her there and she will come back and fall right back into her routine with us.
enough, i gotta jam.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 16 December 2008 10:04 pm |
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i did my workout! yay! i even went up on weight with a few and added a new one into the circuit. i am proud of myself. that was just under 55minutes. i feel better, and i also did my heel ankle stretches.
for lunch, i got mj a cheeseburger meal at burger king. i dont know what i was thinking, but i got the american chicken sandwich. how silly of me. that was like way worse for me than the whopper, which is only 220 cal. I would have had a better count for the calories, and now i need to be careful the rest of the day. i can do it!!!! with the wt. back down i am fired up again and ready to get back on track. For dinner, I will make myself a chef salad. i have feta cheese and hard boiled eggs. that sounds soo delicious after what i had for lunch. i also had onion rings, they were not as bad. 300cal. Still together, the meal was like 900 calories. OMG! Too much!!!
I will think twice the next time that i get fast food. Good thing that we live outside of town, that way we arent subjected to the tempations every day. I am thankful for that!!!
I think I am going to read some Harry Potter and listen to my ocean cd. I love hearing the waves, as I miss the ocean alot. :(
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 17 December 2008 04:11 pm |
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i am feeling challenged today. my temper is short, maybe its the cold wind. i dont enjoy the cold wind. you know how you can get yourself ready for something and then it passes you by? well, i wish it had snowed. makes the cold part of the year that much more enjoyable. i dont like just having the cool weather and sun, its a contradiction. :(
as for food, none yet. it is 9am, i need to eat. i got on the scale and its fluctuating so i am not thrilled there. no matter how much i tell myself it is the water, the salt, etc...seeing the number go up is just a HUGE DETERRANT.
It makes me want to sit and cry and give in. When will it ever stop? how can it be overcome? I can be good, do a great food and workout day and then i get on that scale, and if it is up then its just all gone. All the good I did, I feel it seep right out of my pores and onto that stinky scale.
I must go eat. Cant make another day a regret.
I cleaned up outside, swept up the dirt from the melted snow, made neat. I am such a neat nick. It is still muddy and ickey but it settled my eyes and visual requirements for the moment. I am also washing clothes. Lordy, we have 4 loads of clothes since Friday! Wow! I also need to vacuum today.
Ok, but now i am going to take my vitamins and then eat some healthy food. I have the 3 mile workout today to do. Why am i not looking forward to it???????
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 17 December 2008 10:55 pm |
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#%@&!, well i just wrote this big old book and attached a picture. apparently the pic was too big and all my entry disappeared. dam it. i had alot to say, but that just means it shouldnt have been said.
hmmm, well i worked out. 3 mile walk. kicked my butt. my thighs are sore, probably from upping the wt and count yesterday on the leg extensions. no matter, it was good for me. i pushed myself cuz i was upset over something that D said to me on the phone. It has been a stress day for us with the refi deal......what is new about that?
dinner tonite: swordfish sauteed in butter and garlic and some lime juice with green beans and an orange.
yay. i had a hard boiled egg and water for lunch, and for breakfast i had 1 egg, 1/3 of a toasted bagel with butter, some sliced jalapenos n carrots, pineapple and a c. of milk.
its been a good calorie day. i also am still doing the wash. last load about to go into the washer. or maybe i will wait till tomorrow.
the weather has come back, there are clouds around our mountain, it appears to be snowing up on the crest. maybe it will make it down to the house tonite, i feel like some snow.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 18 December 2008 04:57 pm |
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its been a good day so far. it is ugly outside, really windy and cloudy, like it wants to do something...but what? blow our lights down from the trees???
aghhh.....i am having a good day thus far, i am getting ready to do my bowflex workout and i just weighed in. i am holding at 190. i shot up yesterday, but its gone today. thank goodness. i see that when i am good i get a reward....so, tell me, why cant i stay good all the time?????
oh well, i may never know that answer, but i need to go get myself motivated to workout!!! madeline is watching Monsters' INC so hopefully she will be occcupied long enough for me to get thru without a lot of distraction....
AS I SIT HERE TYPING ON MY COMPUTER????? HOW IS THIS NOT A DISTRACTION??? LOL..
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 18 December 2008 06:03 pm |
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i got my workout done! madeline only came in a few times, and she was good! yay! i did the routine backwards, started from the last set and went forward to the first set, increased wt again and ct on two of them and i feel pretty good! the rain has arrived, and the dogs are making me nuts, they are rambuncxious and want to go outside...i am about to let them!!!!
ok, its almost time for lunch. I weighed in before the workout, 190!
Yupp yupp....its all downhill from here!!!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 18 December 2008 11:47 pm |
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ok, so something happened to me today. well, its been bothering me for like two weeks, it is my tooth. i triggered something while flossing and wow, i thought i would DIE! it hurt soo bad, so my nerve is obviously damaged, maybe a root canal? will find out tomorrow morning. But, in trying to fix the pain, I took ibuprofen, then i took sinus excedrin...nothing helped. I then decided to try and antibiotic i had around for when i got a really bad cold...and within an hour, my tummy was hurting. so, i laid down for about 4 minutes, got up, body hot with fire from head to toes, trying to breathe deep in and out, wishing i could vomit, cuz it hurt. I had an explosive bottom instead, sat there in a cold sweat on the terlet, breathing deep wondering what to do and praying the pain to stop. My body literally went red and blotchy before my eyes. From my ears to my bottom of my feet i broke out in some hives or rash or welts..? dont know for sure, but then the vomiting happened, 3 times, i could barely breathe. I had sharp pain in my right side, from shoulder to abdomen, i laid flat trying to stretch whatever was spazzing? MAN I WAS FREAKING OUT. Thoughts of a heart attack passed thru my head, I tried to breathe, and the pain wouldnt stop. Stood up finally, in a sweat and the body inflamed with tingly burning. I got into the shower and practicaly froze to death, even though it was piping hot.
Allergic reaction, overdose of pain killers? man, i dont know but dam it was freaking crazy. i still feel like #%@&!, my body hurts, my tummy is killing me, and i still have patches of red.
Other than that, i had a good day!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 19 December 2008 06:42 pm |
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i am happy to report that the wreath cookies i make only have 115 calories per wreath. I dont feel so bad now. I ate one earlier, couldnt taste it though. i feel like #%@&! today, i must have a bug. i just took a bath, trying to get pumped to go to the grocery store, and walmart...but i dont feel up to it. i just wanna lay down, but madeline is up and about. granted, she is being pretty good today, she seems to get that i am not up to par and feeling down...also, i am talking quiet, not raising my voice...etc.
its only 1130, but the wood guy is coming with firewood at 5, so if i wana go i do need to go. i can go tomorrow, but saturdays at walmart..ugh. we wanted to add some more lights to the outside arrangement. i also need food items for the house. its not right that i am sick. i need to be up, i have responsibilities, and plus my workout schedule is getting shot to s.h.it.
argh. at least i got christmas cards out. there is nothing worse than feeling useless as i do right now, my energy level has never been so low. my head is swollen, my ears are hot and feel puffy, itchy, tender and sore...i dont know what to think of this.........
BUT I DID WEIGH IN AT 187 this morning. WOW.
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 19 December 2008 10:42 pm |
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I am sorry to see you sick. Hang in there, you will feel better in no time.
Take in some extra garlic, it's a natural healer. I know what you mean about getting stuff done when your sick, it sucks. I don't get sick to much anymore. I think, cause of all the vitamins that I take. I am a sucker for those things. Anything I think will make me healthy, I take. lol I don't know if they work or not. But, it certainly can't hurt me if it doesn't help. I am probably just immune to allot stuff since I am around the day care kids all the time. Someones always got a sniffle or something going on.
Anyway, get some rest, hubby can help you get stuff done.
Great job on the weight!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 20 December 2008 02:35 pm |
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i am guessing what i thought was a reaction to something bad just turned into a small cold. today, i have a cough. gunky stuff coming up. yay. woopee....it sucks. i dont HURT as much as yesterday, and i am not hold/cold every other minute...so things are improving. i still have a headache, but i am dealing.
Dinner last nite was good. I had apple/orange fresh and then 2 thin 2 in wide slices of pizza. i ate one completely, but by the 2nd one the dough was moofy and sogggy (the ride home is like 35 minutes..) so i only ate the toppings. wow. pretty good. i had the rest of my orange juice. For dessert I had one tiny wreath as well.
I weighed in at 189. I understand, esp after not eating. I am very happy with that to end ouf my week. According to my tracker on my yahoo page, I am 7% to my goal! Yay!!!!! 
As for today, I dont know if I will exercise, maybe the bowflex, but i am not up for the big walk i dont think. We will see when I get back from shopping. I have to go to Walmart, the petstore for food (up in abq) and then maybe smiths...they always have the great bargains!!!! But then, I may get thru walmart and quit...depending how the crowds are.....gotta get the lights to keep working on the outside of the house!!!!
Have a great day everyone!!!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 December 2008 03:03 am |
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i started a new thread tonite about famlies. i already heard from two people! wow! i feel loved!
i made a good dinner tonite, angel hair pasta with roasted garlic alfredo that got doctored up with a bunch of italian spices, and a small salad with oil and vinegar. i enjoyed it alot, and it wasnt that bad calorie wise. About 400 calories...incl healthy like olive oil...
so i had a good calorie day, yay!!! now, tonite thru monday will be my challenge to stay on track.....i must be good.
i made more of the wreath things but I made them with honey bunches of oats with almonds to make them more chewey. i dont know how they will go over with hubby. I wonder if he will notice?
So, our best friend has given us sad news, esp at Christmas. The family lost their doggy this week. He passed away. We have three dogs, two sisters *Jezebelle and ZUZU Petals (named after ZuZu in Its a wonderful life)* who are rotweiller/shar-pei's and we have Tahoe, our boy a brindle pitty. They are all just babies...the sisters just turned 1 year....and T is prob. 2. We love them all, and so does our best friend. It has been discussed over the past few months about possibly giving ZuZu to him but we never got there. Now, this has happened and we are torn with love and wanting to help a friend cheer up his kids over a big loss. I know how they feel, and I sure wish that I had had a friend like this in my time of loss...but i digress. Anyway, D is talking like taking her over Tomorrow? I am not ready, I know she isnt going far...just across town...but honestly I dont know these kids? will they love her? she is our baby, she is fragile...like Tiny Tim..she has a knee cap that never fully formed and sometimes she has a limp....but she is the fastest runner of the three!!!! Or do we give up our fuzzybutt Jezebelle? She is independent, only lately has become more friendly and actually approachable...and so, I really dont know what to do.
They better take care of her if I do this, its not every day I give away my beloved Dogs. Only one time I had to let one go, her leg went lame and I had no choice....How do you ever know if its the right thing to do? Will they love her as we love her?
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 December 2008 03:04 am |
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ps the only workout i did today was running around the stores avoiding crazy crowds, doubling back over rows i had already hit like twice....
vacumed the house, made dinner, put away groceries...nothing really big today, but i am still getting over whatever happened to me in the last two days, energy level hasnt been the norm..... :)
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 23 December 2008 07:25 pm |
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  merry christmas everyone! :)
its been a few days, I am holding at 187. That is happy for me!!! I feel good!!! I barely have an appetite though, so i must still not feel too hot or i am adjusted to eating less due to being sick. Either way, i enjoy this feeling.
went out for the last minute gifts, we are officially broke now. his next check isnt gonna be super, so pray for that refinance. we should hear on friday, they are really busy and we submitted early, but there were many after us and they get the look see first...i think that is backwards, but waste not in time just start at top and move to the bottom. Luck of the last submission i suppose. I am upset, but what can i do. We must be patient. It will either happen and we will see repreive or we will be denied, we will fall behind one month on the mortgage, we will pay it in Feb when we get our tax returns and we will continue to pay all our money out each month to bills until something happens and more money comes in. I dont want to think that we came this far, worked this hard getting all the paperwork in order to get denied. I have to believe. I have to believe. If Santa can hear me, that is all I want for Christmas, that refinance to go thru!!!!
I am not sure if I will work out today, maybe the bowflex. I still feel down and out, even though i am up and about. I am fighting the time of the month this week as well and getting over whatever bug I had, so I am still taking it easy. Hey, at least I am not bed ridden with a bad headache right? at least i am up and active around the house. :)
I got all the shopping done and presents are wrapped. it will be a nice simple happy christmas. I am going to ask daddy to take us out tomorrow nite, into los lunas to drive around the neighborhoods to look at lights and luminarias. Not late, just after dark so we can come home, eat and watch a movie, maybe hot tub again.
Can you believe I didnt buy any egg nog this year??????
I deserve a BIG pat on the back for that decision!
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cportwine
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 26 December 2008 05:11 am |
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| Hey Bj! MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope your little one had a good day... See you when I get back on monday...
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 December 2008 05:29 am |
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I have just joined and enjoyed reading through your journal. We seem to both have the binging issue, and in reading your struggles, I could have written the same words. I get so frustrated because it is a neverending struggle to keep it in check, but I am determined to stay on top of it this time around!
You mentioned a walking workout with bands. Is that Leslie Sansone? I love all her DVD's.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 December 2008 02:26 pm |
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hello and welcome and Thanks for reading my journal! I spend a lot of time "stewing" here, its a safe place to vent.
Leslie Sansone ROCKS!!! Though, I have not done her video now since early last week, before I got sick.....I have a few of them. I enjoy the intervals for the boost you get, but i tend to use my arms for all the movements thru the routine...and then push harder when they do their add ons. I have the 2,3 mile videos, the strap toning workout (though madeline now has the rope.....she is into horsies and lassos... and i have the bowflex now, so that is my toning, strenghening machine.), the work your waistline with that awesome yellow belt is my favorite and latest addition. I keep looking for new videos, and sometimes I dont want to do the big workouts, but I tell you, I always end up going the whole 3 even if i didnt feel up to it in the beginning.
Yesterday was a terrible binge day for me. Holidays are very hard in my world. My family tends to stress or push me into going to the grammas...and well, i didnt go..but at 11am i started to drink red wine ( i put some into the stew we were making..so you know...) and before you know it the bottle is gone, i am opening a 2nd bottle and by 1 or so i was looped and on the phone calling to tell gramma merry christmass and we wont be there...that went ok! So, i got bold and called my parents...and well, the rest is history. I dont know what I said, I musta been pretty looped cuz i hung up, got my tennies on, got madeline ready to go out into the cold for a walk and then i promptly passed out on the couch in tears until about 2pm.
In the meantine, my hubby called their house and left them a hurtful messaage about what happened to me, all for the reason on them wanting me or pressuring us to go to grammas house and thanks for making our holiday special. He said more, but he wont say. We had no visitors, though my brother, the oldest had claimed he would be "making the rounds" to all the houses to drop presents .........he never came, in fact we were taken from first to last in his trip and well, we live about 40 miles from him...so no show. We figure that he ended up doing what is normally done...grammas at 4pm with everyone else, just because its easier or whatever....we never heard from him.
I dont know what today will bring. I binged yesterday, on chocoloates a neighbor brough, the pots of gold...I DONT EVEN LIKE THEM!!?!!?!?!?!? and i was eating them with the wine, and cookies....not much substance for wine drinking. i blew the day. i was down and didnt eat the rest of the day, I tried to eat the stew we made, but it tasted horrible to me and i felt #%@&! anyway.....and as i went thru the day, i kept stepping on the scale.
I hate holidays. We actually discussed moving to another state to escape this drama. Yeah...maybe in a few years......
Anyhoo, it is a new day but i feel like #%@&!. I have no resolve with my parents, I am sure I will hear an earfull soon enough. The gifts for madeline, and how selfish i am etc...this could be grammas last year...well, thats been said each year for the last few years. Its so much more than holiday trouble with them, its soo much more.
I dont know if I will ever win the binging battle. I have to make up for all the undoing I have done in the past few days. How is it that easy to destroy a good thing? I am ashamed and can I blame them? sure, but they would never hear it. I should be strong enough to handle my emotions, but I let them get to me. I drank too much, I ate lousy food, I ruined my day, my hubbys and my baby girls.
Our first real christmas together to be a family.
I suck.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 December 2008 02:35 pm |
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thank you cindy!!! i hope you had a wonderful day with the family too!!! if you read my last entry, you will see how WELL and WONDERFUL (NOT) the day went for me, for her etc.....
She got a horsey rope, two cowboy hats that are both too big, crayons that have already been broken or chewed by the dogs, some flashy shirts (the ones that light up when you move) i got polar express and ariel from little mermaid. they are really cute. some gloves, hat, scarves, warm stuff. We did minimal since we dont have the refi approval yet. WE SHOULD HEAR TODAY IF IT IS HAPPENING>>>>>>>OH LORD>>>>>GIVE ME STRENGTH!!!
It was a complicated quiet day. I got a new pair of workout pants, a sweatshirt, a trio box of elizabeth taylor cologne (wow, smells great!!!!) a necklace and earring set..that is all flashy and sparkly, a red nightie and robe that is awesome! its the color of rubies, its so shimmery and RED!!! I love it!! And the coolest thing....its a MEDIUM! YEP! And it FITS ME LIKE A GLOVE! I have curves and all!!!
My hubby was a champ. He told my parents how he felt about destroying my day and making me cry and feel bad just because i didnt want to go to grammas this year....and i have no idea what will happen now....I cringe to think of the next call that comes in. I have turned off the machine on the phone, so now the phone rings and rings and it makes me crazy......avoidance is never a good thing. I know. I just dont know what else to do to get the point to them they gotta either work with me or let me, us, be because it is too hard otherwise.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 December 2008 02:41 pm |
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i did manage to stay good up until christmas day in regards to eating, exercising etc. Christmas eve I did my bowflex workout again. We had a bit of stress around here with the family that day, and i was snapping at madeline for all she did so i took myself out of the room and went to do my workout. I felt better, and I think I did ok food wise that day. I tried really hard to overcome my anger for my parents in not respecting what i want with madeline...and the more she tells me she misses them the worse i feel.....and that is like something she sais almost every time she tells me she loves me or anything and nothing in particular...its a small catch phrase after each thought she expresses and it is kicking my arse. Why am i not being strong enough? why am i not enough for her? how can she recall them soo well? she was an infant. Each day they are in the worl that i live in, even without my thinking of them she does it for me. No wonder I cant move on, move away get stronger? my own daughter is making it harder for me. I dont feel like I can win.
So, today, I need to get back on track. I will do the bowflex again. I am not feeling leslie just yet. I still dont feel very well, believe it or not. I feel tired and winded and achey. I may just be depressed. I dont know. I look at food and want to vomit.
I am scared to step on the scale, last nite, fully clothed it was back up to 190.
DAM IT. DAM IT. DAM IT.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 December 2008 02:41 pm |
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i did manage to stay good up until christmas day in regards to eating, exercising etc. Christmas eve I did my bowflex workout again. We had a bit of stress around here with the family that day, and i was snapping at madeline for all she did so i took myself out of the room and went to do my workout. I felt better, and I think I did ok food wise that day. I tried really hard to overcome my anger for my parents in not respecting what i want with madeline...and the more she tells me she misses them the worse i feel.....and that is like something she sais almost every time she tells me she loves me or anything and nothing in particular...its a small catch phrase after each thought she expresses and it is kicking my arse. Why am i not being strong enough? why am i not enough for her? how can she recall them soo well? she was an infant. Each day they are in the worl that i live in, even without my thinking of them she does it for me. No wonder I cant move on, move away get stronger? my own daughter is making it harder for me. I dont feel like I can win.
So, today, I need to get back on track. I will do the bowflex again. I am not feeling leslie just yet. I still dont feel very well, believe it or not. I feel tired and winded and achey. I may just be depressed. I dont know. I look at food and want to vomit.
I am scared to step on the scale, last nite, fully clothed it was back up to 190.
DAM IT. DAM IT. DAM IT.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 December 2008 07:08 pm |
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I just got Leslie Sansone's brand new one, 5 mile fat burning walk. I haven't done the whole thing, mostly due to time, but I love that it has a menu where you can actually select which mile you want to do, so I have done it twice with three miles of my choice each time. I plan to just do one or two today, with my elliptical as well. I also have her you can do pilates DVD and Walk away the lbs for abs, both of which I love. She was recommended to me when I first started exercising (when I lost the weight the FIRST time...) and I love how easy she is to follow.
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling down around the holidays. I know it makes it that much tougher to stay on track, so congrats to you for still exercising and trying to make healthy food choices!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 December 2008 07:30 pm |
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ok, so how can you select to do certain miles? i see in the main menu on the waistline one and others each mile and you select one and go from there...but how can you keep them running? do you start with 2 and go to 5? just wondering, as i have never done it that way. I just hit full workout, and watch the miles pass by at the bottom of the screen.
5 miles, that must be like an 1.5 hour workout! I dont have patience for that long....i think the 45 minutes work best and keep me focused. After that long, I get bored and need to go do other things, its not the same as walking outside when its that long. 5 miles is just long!!!!
I will stick with the waistline workout for now, and if i get some cash in the new year maybe i will check out her site again. I have amazon updates when new exercise or diet stuff comes up. In fact, there is a new south beach recharged book out now, it has an interval workout in it i think...or something like that...but i am not willing to buy it yet.
I am doing ok, it is what it is. I allowed myself to be bothered and now i pay the price. My parents will never change, i can only change myself and i am working on that. My sister in law said its time to sit down and have a heart to heart, to explain to them that Davey and mj are my family now, and that they come first....and if we choose not to spend the holiday with extended family that is our choice....OH BUT ITS NEVER THAT EASY.
We will see what happens next, i know the calm before the storm its here now.....#%@&! will break loose soon enough.....after the message he left at the house. Or maybe, he got thru to them and they will make some attempt to change for the sake of being able to spend time with their only granddaughter. My middle brother has a 1 yr old boy, but they never see him, barely even know him, and indeed my brothers wife, is sad but oddly ok with that...esp when she sees how it is with me.
It will all work out as God plans.....i hope i can get my head to do what my mouth keeps saying though..that is my hardest part.
I attempted to eat today, Tahoe the bad dog ate my first dish. 2nd attempt madeline came out and took my hard boiled egg, my cheese stick and my blackberries.....3rd attempt, i just had an egg and a cheese stick....quickly so that noone else could get it!!!!
I cleaned today, I dusted the ceiling fans...OMG what a fireplace can do to make dust in your home!!!! WOW!!!! I feel better having cleaned out the garbage you know???
I have not worked out yet, it is sort of snowing and cold outside, and since I have been moving around all day....i will probably do it when i lay madeline down for her nap. Which is coming up here shortly!!!!
Take care
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 December 2008 09:41 pm |
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wow...i wish i could do that. i am feeling very emotional now, struggling with my parents and how they treat my 3.5yr old daughter when she is at their house. They are simply allowing her to be what she was when she was still living there and only 2 yr old. I am putting all of my energy being home with her into teaching her how to talk in full thoughts, and how to use the potty to go 1 and 2, and how to ask politely for things, the old fashioned things that children her age do not get in school, or day care or anywhere, esp at home. Perhaps I am being stubburn, but her last visit there...I picked her up, she was wearing a diaper, she had on boots that were too big without socks, and she was not dressed warm enough to go to the park for an hour or so, esp with the weather we were having that day. I was very upset, I am trying very hard to get her on a track, or routine and when she goes there its a huge step back. She sais "she wants, gimme, lemme have it"...and my dad just gives it to her. He doesnt even take the time to ask her to ask nicely, which she knows how to do, she just needs to be reminded every once in a while. She did it right in front of me that day and my dad, didnt even look at her, he just gave it to her. This bothers me immensely, for the reason, he obviously isnt paying attention to her, or listening, whichever is preferred and she is walking around doing whatever she wishes and that is also not good. She has no real room there, the room she sleeps in is my moms closet room (old house, no closets), so mom comes and goes whenever she needs, naps dont happen when she is there.....she goes to be as late as 11pm and she is up at 4 or 6am. She gets up and goes into their room and wakes them, and they bring her to bed with them instead of taking her back to the bed she was in and telling her to go back to bed. She has never slept with me in my bed. Not once. I have always provided her her own room and bed and play area. She knows the bounderies here, she doesnt go into my bedroom, and she goes to be bed here at 8pm-9 sometimes, but she is often sleepy and falling asleep on the couch by that time. She often tells us its time for sleepys and goes herself.
Dont get me wrong, I know grandparents spoil g-kids...but she is 3 and very impressionable. I need their help not their hindrence and they dont get it. They tell me i am overreacting, well, you tell me how to react when she talks back to me, or she doesnt want to use the potty after being at their house for a few days? Or how when I bring her home, she will often sleep for about 15 hours straight thru from her lack of sleep while there?
The other day mom told me I cant tell her how to treat madeline at their house, they raised three kids just fine and that i need to stop being so critical.
You must know too, that when she was 2, we lived with my mom and dad, from 3 months prior to my having her, i lived with them. Their house is drama, my mom is a yeller, she is a spoiled woman who likes to tell my dad he isnt doing enough or he is not adequate in some way over just about anything, and its the way its been since i can recall. That is another chapter in and of itself. But, the life there is not what I ever want for her, and when we were invited to move in with my fiance, now husband last Sept, everything changed. I was able to stay home full time to raise her. When she was two she had just barely started walking and talking in grunts etc. I blame myself for going to real estate school the first year, and working too much the whole year after that. I left her with them, and i blame myself for the lack of development. Well, on her 2 yr dr visit, i was advised about speech therapy and physical therapy for walking.....and i got scared that i wasnt doing enough. Now, a year later, after leaving my parents house, being home full time with her and working with her..she is above most 3 yr olds according to her dr. I attribute that fully to my moving out of my parents house, getting out of that negative, loud environment and being able to focus on her. I know I cant blame them, but i kinda do. I trusted them to nurture her and work with her, to talk and interact, and of course i know she was an infant, but maybe things would be different now. (my brothers baby is just 13 months, walking fully on his own, his mom is home with him full time) Now maybe they would be more to her than just friends, as she calls them. The mistake I made with my parents is trying to be their friend and not their daughter. They know too much about my thoughts, my life, and now that I am out on my own and have a life of my own, they want her (though they both b.i.t.ch and moan when i come to get her about how she wont go to sleep, or she wouldnt poopy in the big toilet, or worse HOW TIRED THEY ARE????).. i know darn well, she knows how to do it all...she gets lazy cuz they arent working to keep it going with consistency.
I am going on and on in a thread that this needs not to be in. I am so buried right now in this overwhelming guilt that i am keeping my kid from her gparents, but dam it if they could stand to respect at least a FEW of my habits I am trying desparately to create for her. We are trying desparately to create for her. I am a new mom, and now I am also a new wife, never thought I would be either. The role models I have both have huge temper issues, and they want the world to revolve around them, my mom went to work when i was 6 and i basically went home every day and ate for company. I know my mom is a good person, but they have far too much going on to give madeline the time she needs when she is with them. They need to Listen to her, to hear her sentence and help her with words. They need to tell her no, when she asks for ice cream for breakfast instead of giving it to her on the couch while she is watching tv. I want her to eat at the table, in her hi chair and they dont have one or wont go buy one....instead she walks about eating all the time while there...and that is not a good thing.
I dont think I am asking too much, but in listening to my dads voice mail just now about how i was crying on christmas day....he sounds so pathetic and i know he truelly is not getting what i am trying to say. He may never. And if so, how do I deal with that? and how can it be that madeline can see them? I feel like a bad guy and I just want her to be a happy well behaved girl. Is that asking for too much?
I know my mom raised three kids, but we are all a mess. I am an overeater, depressive, binger who really doesnt trust her own self and cant seem to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. My oldest brother is an alcoholic and sucks at relationships. My middle brother is a pot smoker, and doesnt want to grow up, well, he is better now..he is married and has a baby boy..but he still wont let go of his habits. So, really, I dont know how well they did. I know we are all human, and I just want this to be resolved, its hurting me, its hurting my new marriage because i am always down, when the calls come in, i avoid and feel guilty and it ruins me for days. I am unhappy. Oddly enough I dont want to eat. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep it all away.
Thanks for listening....
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