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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 8 May 2009 10:15 pm |
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Phew, sounds like you guys got some things on the table! It's a tough situation to be in, but I would step out of the middle and let them deal with each other! It's tough that your husband has a different style of dealing with things than your family, but if they can meet each other somewhere in the middle, maybe they can work things out!
The house sounds awesome. We have been doing a ton of work around our house the last few weeks and I love to see it all come together... I love the happy feeling of pulling into the driveway and happily seeing the results of the hard work.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 8 May 2009 11:14 pm |
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thanks mj! i think at this point it has to be one day at a time and lets see how it goes when they bring her back. if they bring her back as he said they would, then go from there i guess.
the situation with gramma has no resolve unless d gives in and lets us all come together. he would have to allow her to come here, because he will not go to her house again as far as he sais. It doesnt concern him in any way that she isnt around, he has a gramma and he isnt saying i cant see her, just not with him. but is my seeing her without him making a big statement in itself? how do i explain his absense? she would have even more doubts in him if i went solo. i am just in this position, and of course my parents tell me not d to let it lie and talk to her...they say it to me, not to him. they know better than to say it to him, he will rebutt and have no remorse.
oh well, so far today i am not eating a whole lot, i cant find anything to let myself relax. trying to watch a movie...which we have loads of...i am finally caught up on my recorded shows...so i end up with a timeless classic...TWISTER. Only its on vhs, so with our surround sound its nothing.....i want to hear this movie on dvd! Gonna have to look into that if we go to walmart.
So for sunday, he would like to take me, us to breakfast at our little family restaurant in town, they have delicious chicken fried steak breakfast and sourdough toast. :) yummy treat that i never allow anymore. Then to home depot then home to play in the yard, and then he will cook dinner, which will be artichokes with filet mignon and fruit. Dad brought me two slices of cheesecake so i will save that for then. :)
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 14 May 2009 09:30 pm |
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ahhh so i made it thru the holiday weekend with only one injury and only one dissagreement. My folks showed up at 630 on saturday nite, even though he told d that he would have mj home in the afternoon way before dinner and we also learned thru mj that she was with gramma all friday nite. so, two more strikes for d in his book in regards to their respecting my wishes...and visits have ceased.
its been a wierd week because i have been down and out with a hand injury and somewhat limited in my productivity, so no wall work and no painting..besides we have no paint anyway. we are in limbo there, next check maybe. it looks great though!
still at 166, just finished the 3mile waistline workout, got a good workout in...felt good but i am kinda winded...wierd how working out in the yard is different from a workout with a video...i like the variety and cant wait to get abck outside! our next project will be the front existing deck, d started to tear it out last nite while i watered. Alot of the support decking is rotted either via termites or water damage from the yard...but we think its termites, so we dont know yet where we stand in regards to recylclable pieces, but its fun to consider the options...although its a big deck, so if we dont use it all, we will have to plant more grass seeds or get pavers....either way an investment......
horses and dogs are good, we are planning a trip in july to the carlsbad caverns, and will go thru roswell on the way, that is the alien capital of new mexico..lol.....maybe we will adopt an alien for our yard..i was telling d that i wanted a silver space ship to set in our big field at an angle as if it crashed....but he wasnt into it..he isnt too into aliens and ufos...but he likes the XFiles....hmmmmm.....anyway, i am excited for that trip! i cant wait! just to get out of town for a bit, and mj will stay here with sister in law and her son, and their dog plus our 3 and the horses......sis is gonna have her hands full!
:)
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 15 May 2009 12:16 am |
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| So awesome that you and hubby are going to get a trip alone! Sorry to hear about your hand, hope it gets better soon. It's awesome that your weight is down a few lbs. Keep at it and it will continue to fall!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 August 2009 06:20 pm |
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wow its been a loong time since i had time to journal on here...crazy how time flies! its already the end of august! lol
its been a busy summer, all is goin well for me i suppose. Last nite I had a bit of trouble sleeping, for some reason i started to think about events, meeting with clients, getting all their ideas onto paper, walking them thru the spaces to see what works for them, decorating the tables the day of event etc....i got really hartsick for it. Funny how that works for me. I realize how much time i would have to give to do that again, esp the driving to a place where you actually have the need for it. Here where we live, there isnt much of that, most folks here i imagine just have backyard casual events, we only have one hotel here for gosh sakes! and its like a roadside motel, not even a big one like Hilton or Holiday inn.....so that is not really something i can look at now. Or maybe even ever. Maybe one day i could be a consultant, but with my baby girl, i do have plans to be an at home hands on mom...so that is my priority for the next few years. I just miss having that outlet somewhere in my life, people counting on my experience, etc.
I passed up an opportuntity to watch my neighbors infant, for many reasons...but mostly the drama of their family and the fact of no pay, and i would lose time with my daughter, the last year before she goes to kindergarten....but i feel like i was selfish in the choice. In the end, i know i made the right choice, but i wonder if she looks at my life and sais, what the heck is she doing that she couldnt take this on?? My hubby assures me, she isnt feeling that way, we just live two very DIFFERENT lives that is all.... I tell myself I am a snob for not helping, and its true. I have enough of my own inner drama, i dont need her families too! LOL
We have done a lot of work on the house, we painted the exterior, only have one small section left, ran out of paint and money! but we are still landscaping, we have moved walls, taken down walls, put up new fences, always recylcling the items from the property. We have invested little financially which is good. I am happy to be so :green: in using and recycling cinder blocks, fences, etc...I am really happy with our progress as the season is coming to an end and we are facing another winter.
I am currently at 159-160, and holding there. I fluctuate and have hit 158 but only for like a day! I dont know when i will get there again, I cant seem to give up the sweets and i am still an emotional eater but i am managing it the best i can. Workouts are strong, i am stronger, i have done soo much outside that i havent even used my bowflex for weeks, maybe months consistently..but again, season change brings me indoors....
Family relations are good for now, MJ is with my folks the last few days after not seeing them since mothers day. We stepped away and now we seem to be on a page that works for all of us....for now...Every day is unknown you know? But I am happy for my time, and happy that she is with them, as she adores them and they really miss her. My gramma is still up in the air, in regards to our seeing her any time soon. D is still holding out that we dont really need to be a part of her life, and well i go along with it, since he is right. I was available all the time i lived with my folks, so now that i can be away from her constant negativity i am a better person. She is sick though, she is old, she is forgetful, etc and those arent excuses i know...but she doesnt have to be in that state of mind, she can choose to be happy. Mom sais she is getting sicker, potasiums up, body is achey all the time, unable to walk for too long, etc...but again, i am sorry for that, i know she is older and sick, but again, she can choose to not be down about the reality, she doesnt have to rain that on all of us. It makes me sad, but i know she can choose to be up anyway, knowing that God is waiting for her when she is ready and that she isnt alone at all.....i just wrote her a long letter a few weeks ago, and sent a card......who knows if i will hear from her?.....D's gramma is so positive, and she has to take insulin, she has trouble walking some days, but she is a happy positive person and its sad that my gramma isnt. I would rather be a part of her life, but i dont want to feel badly doing so.
We are doing well otherwise, we just celebrated our first year anniversary, we are broke, his hours are unstable, we are still playing catch up, but we are happy most days. Life is hard when you have little money to enjoy it...but we manage. We are hopeful things will improve. Thankfully he has a good job, and growth potential but the corporate offices are really taking their time implementing change for him and his future there. Patience is required but his patience has finally worn thin. His boss just proposed he come in on off days to try out sales, because commissions are wonderful for an RV...so he will be going in this sunday to see how it goes....pray for his awesome skills, experience, knowledge to land a good sale! :) that would be grand!!!!
not sure what plans for the weekend are, just relaxing after a long summer with family here, so i get the house to myself during the day, but to relax...hmmmmm well, after i water, feed the horses, scoop the poo, clean the house, maybe then i can relax! :)
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 August 2009 03:30 pm |
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had a nice weekend, hung out with hubby on monday, since he worked on sunday. both mornings we got up early and while he "farmed our land on facebook" i read to him aloud a book that sister in law lent to me. Its called the shack, and it was awesome. He got sucked right in, and i enjoyed reading it aloud much better than reading in my head silently. I cant wait for the next one from her to get started! :)
we worked on the convertible, she is finally getting back to look like herself, he is almost done with the worst area of damage! I put her insides back together and cleaned her all up.....i feel better seeing her come back to herself again. I love my car! So, of course i cleaned up my other one as well, so that none feel left out.
I talked with my mom yesterday, and mj will be with them thru this weekend. Friday nite we have the Def Leppard/Poison/Cheap Trick concert and though we wont have any money to buy goodies we are looking forward to it. I am hopeful that our money situation will improve here with him goin in on sundays to try out sales. He had 6 customers on Sunday and he was hopeful that at least 2 would return. Pray for him. :) We need it so very badly. I have to remind myself we are living without credit this year, since January, so overall to do that is very hard! We arent sunk yet, although we get threatening waves of bills to wash us over alot! I wont give up! I keep working hard here and he keeps working hard there, it has to come around. :)
So back to mom, my gramma is not doing well. She is goin in the same direction my grampa went over two years ago, her potassium levels are high, she is barely able to get up and move around alone now, and when she has something happen she panics and calls my parents who them jump thru hoops. The problem is her nurse who comes to take blood feels that she is doing fine! Well, the thing is there is that my gramma puts on the show when anyone but my parents are around. With them, its the helpless lonely gramma and with the others its im fine, look at how well i can do this or that etc...Its very hard for me to hear this, because my mom is very stressed. As is my dad. Ideally my gramma wants someone, one of her family to come and live with her...which none of us are willing or mostly capable of doing. For my mom to do so, would mean quitting her job (she is the main money maker now, dad is retired and on social security and he is mainly the one who caters to my gramma....but they have a house, mortgage etc and two dogs who dont do well in my grammas house......the reasons are too many and its not an option, so therefor my gramma is alone in this large home, barely living if you ask me. She is very stubburn. I know this is the generation, but i also know she doesnt have to make it this way. She could concede to sellin her house and moving to a smaller somewhat assisted living place with people all around and activities nurses etc....she would be so much better off.
Regardless that wont be happening unless someone or something happens that keeps her from having it be any other way. We just try to get by, and keep her comfortable. Its bad though, she shouldnt be alone. I cant help, nor would i at this point, it pains me too much, and i am too far away and wont take mj with me for that. I understand that its her great grama, but in a home of sickness i dont want my baby girl. I did concede yesterday to my mom that they could take her for brief visits when she has to be at work at noon, and they just go take her lunch or something, so they can see each other...but my worries are so great in that my dad would go work on something around the house, mom would walk away to clean or do something and leave mj with my gramma who is unable to get around well, and mj would get into something, gramma woudl try to stop it and fall or hurt herself or worse say that mj broke something etc.....being a mom and worrying about something that i cant contro.. I of course want to make my gramma smile for a bit, and mj would do that, as long as its brief and not for the entire day. I just gave it to god and asked him to help my parents watch mj if they take her there for a spell. Its all i can do. :)
I am just happy that they are having a good time with mj. I am now looking at it, as our kid has gone to stay with the grandparents for a visit.... like a vacation. It makes it easier for me! :)
Other than that, dad and i are doing well. The money wont bring us down, maybe just temperarily...but not in the long run. Its just money. I am struggling a little bit with my eating tendencies but i am trying to just maintain and see how i feel. I would like to lose more, but apparently i am struggling with that, so i am doing my best to at least sit at this wt for a while.....as long as i dont go back up. Its hard still to manage and watch each day, and i still cant let the daily weigh ins go away....even when i know i overate! I still step on the scale! Its addiciting!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 2 September 2009 05:12 pm |
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its a new week and thank god i am back to 159! after the def leppard poison concert friday i sort of downspiraled and gained again. its so hard to manage each day and eat healthy. i give up being perfect, i just want to be healthy and shapely and toned.
last nite i made a mint/spumoni shake with 0% milk, had to get that ice cream out of this house..it was old and tempting me...so i made this shake, enough for two pint glasses and ended up drinking only half of a pint glass. I tossed the rest out. Little steps. It wasnt that i forced myself to toss it, i just didnt want it like i thought i did. My mind plays those tricks on me often, and then i have the item i dreamt about but it disappointed me somehow, let me down and i didnt enjoy it afterall. Wierd steps in this process I am going thru.
But big steps none the less. Especially for me.
things i still cant resist are still there, but i am not around them, so its getting easier. I cant recall the last time i had a slice of pizza and almost died because it was soo yummy. My tastes are changing. Now, its more like a good steak and a baked potato are my indulgence, with a good french crusty bread and some artichoke with melted butter...those are the things i long for. Not pizza. Pizza is like a passing fancy that i cant reach anymore, granted if i were in the big city again, that may not be the case...but i am here, so this is now what i long for. I end up eating the cravings and end up disappointed that they didnt taste like i recall, and like they let me down and i stop cold in my tracks and decide that i cant go back. It is a neat revelation for me, i must admit. I usually just eat to eat and feel better, and now, i need to really enjoy it to do so.....which means i cook it, instead of go to eat it. WIERD!
finances are tough, we will survive but its tough. D had a splitter of a headache from it yesterday, kinda like the ones i get! It was nice to be he healthy one for once, caring for him! I never get that luxury! Thankfully he is better today! :) Good Job Nurse Diesel! :)
Today I am being a bumm. MJ is at mom an dads still, its ok with me, she is having a good time, sleeping well, seeing my gramma whos not in her best right now with her health, which in turn makes my gramma feel better, if only for that moment, so i am not sure when she is coming home. Eventually! I tell myself to take advantage of this down time and sleep in etc...but yet, i dont do it! FUNNY HOW I CHANGE!
little things...the things i used to cherish arent so important now, sure i miss sleeping in, but when it comes down to it, i just dont do it! i am growing! :)
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 5 September 2009 02:51 pm |
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i am down to 157! i am thrilled although my new low was 156, i am soo close i can taste it! :)
had a breakdown yesterday, walking the dogs and mj. we were chased by some loose puppies and i just got fed up, i was yelling etc and noone was coming out to get them as they walked about 6 houses away from their own house...on a busy road...argh..you know, i feel for the dogs that have no love, and no home to really speak of...and well, with all the rundown living here i guess i just broke. i started to downspiral about mj and her school, our neighbor talks so bad about the high school here and her daughter is in such trouble, even had a gang fight in front of her house a couple of weeks ago, in which daughter and mom were both involved...its too much! I am so open to free spirits and being your own person and not having issues with others, but man, it started to eat at my brain. So, I got home finally, disgusted by the trash i see when we go on our "nature" walks in the mesa and got on the phone to speak to the schools so i can get a better idea of what will happen when mj starts kindergarten in the fall. Thankfully they have reverted back to keeping the kids in elementary here till 6th grade, she will now go to a nice newer school here close to our house, and in april i will register her then may i will be able to sit in on the 2 KG teachers classes and decide which i prefer to have her be with. I felt soo much better. Orig, i was goin to have to do an inner school transfer and drive her about 15 miles ea way to the only school in our area that had K-5th grade in the same school. the rest, incl the one she will go too, were on this K-4th grade with the 5th goin into middle school with all the big kids...which to me is insane! They arent or shouldnt be ready to engage with the older kids yet! So, having learned this, i can now enjoy allowing her to take a bus, that will prob pick up about a block from our house, or drive her in 10 min time, then i can even be a parent volunteer at the school. RELIEF! WHEW! THANK YOU JESUS! My whole plan is to be involved in her school since I am able to stay home with her while D goes to work. I feel soo much better...but i still lost it yesterday. D and I had words, I let it all out and then i moved our entire living area around, which is the living room, dining room, den and music room....its one big open space...so that was good for me, cleansing and calming. When in a tiff, just move heavy furnature it makes you feel better always! Change is always good. So, in the end, I dont have to worry for 6 years what will be her future..she will be safe at this school close to home. By then, who knows where we will be? D may put in a transfer and we go to CA! :) Or anywhere else! :) 6 years is a long time! :)
my gramms went to the hospital yesterday, thankfully she will get better hopefully! She has a good dr that she respects (which is saying alot!) and my folks took her in. Pray for her recovery,, at least to what she was before she began to have such severe pains. Her dr stated she most likely suffered a minor heart attack in the last 3 weeks....which we pretty much knew, based on her behavior. At least now she is in the hospital. She is safer there.
on to the day! gotta run to walmart and get a few things...not much, just a break from house and pick up a few small items... :)
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 September 2009 07:00 pm |
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this weekend i blew it. whenever i get a headache i just lose it and overeat big time. i really dont get the bad bad headaches as much as i did before i changed over to yaz, but man this one kicked my butt............right into the kitchen! LOL...bad i know. i was doing really good, maintaining this new low of 157 and happy as heck, and then i got a headache friday and saturday and just ate like a littlecow in the field, grazed all day, till my tummy hurt.
yesterday i was better, thank god....D and i took out the gas tank on the suburban and replaced the fuel pump, so i was under there helping when i could, getting dirty breaking my nails, you know the whole shabang....then i cleaned the garage because its getting cluttered from the goodies he brings home from work..lol.....so now the garage is clean and the sub is running strong...YAY!
this week is a new week for me. i have learned that i simply cant control some foods i adore....like the mint milano cookies! i saw them on sale, friday at the store, and i splurged, said i could handle having the serving size, i am doing well...etc.etc...the things we tell ourselves right? so, well, i got 2 bags, and with my headache on sat. i ate the WHOLE BAG! yep, and felt like #%@&! after, my tummy really hurt...so then, i popped a few too many colon cleaner vitamins and tried to cleanse myself...this never works fast....so, here we are sunday nite and my tummy decides to explode! :-{
the things we do to ourselves to hurt or improve...isnt it too much???? lesson learned. i opened the 2nd bag of cookies last nite.....figured i blew the weekend, why not just go out with a bang? so i ate 3 and made myself stop. It was yummy torture...isnt that crazy? then i did it in the kitchen too, not even sitting on the couch watching the movie, wiht my hubby eating slowly...but in the kitchen in the dark, watching tv from a distance....sad sad things i do to myself.
obviously i have a loong way to go to being healthy in the head about food, about not hurting myself when i already dont feel well, eating way more than i should etc. Its not easy to try to be healthy. God, why wasnt i given the natural thin genes?
so ok now i am eating something for the first time today..i am having my salad and bleu cheese dressing. Only instead of actually pouring the dressing onto my salad, i am eating it inside out...i am taking bites of salad and dipping it into the dressing, eating a lot less dressing i tell myself. Its maybe 2 tablspoons of dressing but i dont think i will eat it all this way. :)
i love salad, i just hate making them. i wish i had the yummy dressing that the restaurants have, i would eat more salad for sure! its hard to have those items around when i am the only one who eats them really....esp lately i havent had any greens around, just veggies. i go thru phases.
family life has been crazy, last week after mj came back from my folks house, she and dad were really not getting along. Too many ideas in my head to think of why it goes this way when she comes home, but it just is what it is. I have to find a way to make it work, because i know how much it means to my folks, my gramma who is now staying with them, and to her. To me and dad, well, we enjoy our break too, but i really am glad that i am back together with my parents, its too hard not to be a part of their world. I lveo them. I need them, like they need me, mj and D. Sharing a kid isnt easy! My folks really enjoy having her there with them.
i wish i had more willpower.... more inner strength to overcome the challenges that i face in my head.....
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 October 2009 05:51 pm |
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im irked today and i dont know why. is it me? is it mj? is it my folks who are up to their ears in my gramma health concerns and my dad dumps it on me the other day? is it d? i dont know what is going on but i am in a #%@&! mood this week. i have been trying to get under the 159 mark and the more i try the worse i do. i take too much internally and get upset over too many things that really arent a big deal, but i dont know how to stop.
we are so tightly budgeted right now, the winter season is upon us, we have to get propane, we need firewood, we need a tire for my car but its like, there just isnt enough to go around and still provide for the house. next weekend we have yet another invitation from my brother and his family to go over 50 miles to a 2yr birthday party. I have no cash to get something for them, let alone make d go thru it for hours on his precious day off? does he think he is the only one giving up a day off???
im just in a bad place in my head right now. struggling with my awareness of my skankiness towards those around me. am i depressed? am i bipolar? am i just obsessed with something i cant put a finger on? i dont know what is bothering me.
i would like to go to the party, but at what cost? i enjoyed seeing the family two weeks ago for our gathering. its been soo long, i really missed everyone. but i know not what D is thinking. i know how much he has endured in his past lives......so what is fair for us? do i have to set aside any time with my family with us in order for him to be happy? do we have to pay for the past he wasnt happy in? why does he drag his feet so much? what can i do to change it? he actually asked if i could just pass his birthday by because no one has come or said anything to him for the last two years.....first off, we havent done anything per his wishes, we have had his friends come down to play music....and honestly that is not everyones ball of wax. esp a couple with high animal allergies and an infant. I dont have any anger anymore about how come the family isnt coming here, we live far away and they have their reasons...so what can i do? take it personally and hold a grudge? whats the point? who is that helping??? noone.
im just in a funky place, i dont know how to speak up and get him to hear me without being angry. oh well, i guess i will think about other things....it will pass.
weight is 158 today. darn it. cant seem to break this number between 160-157.....ugh.
is 150 that hard to reach????
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Nancy_in_GA
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 October 2009 08:06 pm |
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So this party is for a 2 year old child?
I guess I'm going to sound like a bah humbug sort of person, but I vote for skipping the birthday party. If you want to visit your brother, and they only live 50 miles away, why not take MJ and drive over there while your husband is at work and visit? I would tell them that your husband is exhausted on the weekend and needs to rest because he's also been doing stuff around the house. If I felt obligated to send a present (which I wouldn't) then I would make something.
I think making a decision what to do will help you feel not so stressed out.
Just what I'd do, but then I'm not too much into either birthdays or relatives.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 October 2009 09:24 pm |
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hee hee nance, thanks for checkin in and giving me your insight. you are correct, its for a 2yr old and like you D isnt into the family thing either...not mine in particular but just anything social with anyone. He moved here to be a hermit, he has been in those circles all his life and wanted to get away by moving out to NM where noone would come see him. LOL...ironic that he met me just starting to live my adult life with my child!
either way, MJ will be going, which Leslie said was ideal.....in her message she said how MJ would really enjoy herself...there will be a lot of kids i imagine, between her and her sister and friends etc.
in regards to the idea of going without him, i think that i prefer not to do that so much because all of my adult life i was alone...i may have had a boyfriend or something but they never wanted to be a part of my life...so i think i am trying to make it happen with D because he is my husband, they want to know who he is etc...and i dont want to have to do it alone. On top of that, I never have the time to go see them, if I did it would be on a day D is off because of the schedules anyway. Its not that worth it to me, but I am starting to think about Christmas and Thanksgiving, they will expect us to be a part of it and what will he say then? he wont be thrilled, esp if they opt once again to do it at my grammas upon her stubburn insistance to be there for my grampa who has been gone almost 3 years now. I enjoy watching MJ with everyone, but I want him there too.
It isnt a fun place to be. I was always available to all of them when i lived wiht my folks and now that i have my own life etc...noone comes to see me or us. Why not? whats wrong with my place? dont they want to see that I have really done ok??? MJ was upset when dad came thursday to paint because he wasnt here to play, i told her she has to ask him to come down just to spend time with her, she doesnt understand that and my dad wont do it...so why did i even get myself caught up in the idea anyway? its wishful thinking. They are missing this time with my baby girl, their precious mj to cater to my gramma who is taking the same path my grampa took back before he passed, and the ungrateful hatefullness she exudes makes everyone feel bad but they keep goin back for more. Meanwhile, mj doesnt understand how come they cant see her, why she cant go to the doctor with them etcetcetc....i wish they could give her time without it always being about my gramma.
That sounds selfish, I dont mean it too. I love her. I just wish she could embrace aging better and not be so selfish about their time. She could utilize the public service taxis or vans for seniors, she could use the home delivery pharmacy options, she has choices to make her life easier...but they continue to use all spare time to be there at her beckon call and for not even a thanks.
i can go on, but its useless. its nothing i can change, i just cant make mj understand and i cant get d interested and i have to find some middle ground. I just wanted so much to have a partner who wanted to be there with me....(but then, as i read this, i ask myself, why would anyone want to be a part of that crazy drama???)
lol...anyway...i have done 3 12min miles today, and i have eaten 3 slices of sourdough bread with sheds spread on it....along with clam chowder. I started off good but quickly hit 1200 calories before noon...ugh. i was going to take a nap when i laid mj down but i got my tush off the couch and pushed thru 3 miles. Had she not woken up just now, i would have pushed thru the last 2....
Maybe i shall do it now?? if i can get an uninterrupted 25 min without mj asking for something to eat! (WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO EAT???)
hugs and thanks again nance....its great to be able to share my feelings and worries...
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 4 November 2009 07:06 pm |
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we went to the sunday birthday luncheon. it was a pleasant suprise that things went ok again, and even more so that everyone decided that we should have Thanksgiving at our home this year! I was so excited that D suggested it, but of course it keeps him from having to go anywhere! LOL.....always an underlying reason...
i have made some changes to the way i am trying to lose weight.
1. Put the scale away, only weighing in on Fridays since last week. My next weigh in will be this coming friday.
2. keeping a food diary online with Livestrong.com that tracks my calories, my workouts, and charts all the foods i eat.
3. making any and all attempts to stop eating after dinner. its been challenging but i want to eat and i dont know how to overcome it.
I know that D is able to eat as much as he wants and he is aware that i am trying not too....but i cant put blame on him because he eats. If i could eat like him and never gain any weight, then i would! lol...but honestly its not possible for me to do that.
I am nervous to weigh in friday. my calories have been up arounfd 2000-2400 and i am working off enough to bring it down to 1500-1900 depending how much i do. I am fooling myself that i am doing ok this way. I pray i dont weigh in at 165 on friday! lol...
MJ is at my folks thru tomorrow. She will bring halloween candy home, i am sure. Not looking forward to it because it is so hard to resist. Its like the more i say i cant have it, the worse i want it.
I am sleepy. I want to go to bed, but its silly to feel that way. I have been off since we turned back the clock on sunday. I am waking up early, wanting to get back to bed and i am tired at 9! I am no fun! I cant seem to keep my eyes open, and i get into bed and just crash, my body just relaxes and i want not to move anymore...but then, i wake up in sweats and moisture on my forehead....I cant get comfortable either. Its weird.
why does motivation waver so much? how come one day i am on fire, then the next i have no gusto to get up? i am taking multi' vitamins, i just got myself some cinnamon, green tea with hoodia and vitamin b multi.......that should help me feel better. I am drinking enough water, like 12 glasses a day!
over the weekend i hiked a hill by the house, its a mile to the top and very exhurting. I love it! I did it two days in a row and now i dont have any desire to get my walking videos out to workout....i am so easily bored. I am expecting a new video today, hopefully! its got 4 different workouts from 1 mile to 4 miles....cant wait for that.
My heel is hurting a little today. Maybe the cold? maybe that i jogged in place yesterday for 30min without shoes....(although i always do that! our carpet is thick and squishy)...or possibly because i went on a hike uphill in flats, loafers if you will instead of my good support tennies. Spontaneous hike on sunday, havent been quite the same since.
Debating to run to walmart to get some dieters tea. It helps me stay regular. Sounds ickey in know..but hey, whatever helps keep the pipes clean! lol...
I used to drink it alot, but havent for some time. I had some yesterday and havent stopped goin to the bathroom, its getting all the junk out of me. A cleansing maybe?
Also havent worked out today. Its a lovely fall day, but i never get time to myself so i am being a bumm and relaxing. Its ok to just BE once in a while, isnt it?????
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MichelleP
Senior Member
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Posted: 15 November 2009 04:27 pm |
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BJ - I know you are feeling kind of stuck right now. I went back to the beginning of your journal here and girl, you have lost a good amount in the past year. You've come far in the past year. Think about how you felt at your high weight and think about how much better you feel now. I know it sucks when the weight doesn't want to get off the body, but keep it up and it will come off. You know what to eat and what not to eat and all that other diet stuff.
What kind of dieters tea are you getting from Walmart? I could use some better regularity myself? It seems the healthier I eat the less regular I am.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 15 November 2009 05:04 pm |
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hey michelle! :)
i got the Laci Le Beau Super Dieters Tea, you can get it at any grocery or pharmacy, its a burgundy or yellow box. I have been using it for the last 2 weeks and i am very regular now, which is something i have been challenged with lately. My body is not sure what its doing I think. I dont have any routine, hard as i try, and some days i notice due to the metformin i am taking that if i do a high carb meal i get an upset tummy almost immediately and need a bathroom. One of the setbacks to the meds. But its not all the time, and before i started to use the tea i would go a day maybe 3 even before a BM. Now, its daily, more than once a day! :) I know that is good for me, gets all the junk out.
i know i have my weakness's in regards to being a stress eater, or a binge eater and i try hard to avoid having it happen. Some days I do great and other days i just need sweets. Certainly I am waay better than i was a year ago, heck even 5 months ago, but i still have my bad days. I use the livestrong MY PLATE to track my calories and keep a diary of feelings, exercise etc and i can look at graphs of my intake for the day, then the calories burned and then see the net actuals for the day, which i must be either overestimating on.....although, you pick the activity, your weight, height, age etc are all calculated based on what you want to lose, it does it all for you...so really, i am not sure why its not working out? I keep telling myself i am burning 800 calories for a 5 mile 12 min per mile workout, based on the calorie burner on the livestrong and i take in 1900 for that day, take away the 800 ending up with 1000 or so which conceivably means i should lose if i am doing that say 4-5 days out of the week? THen, I have a day with 2300 total, burn off that 800 or so and up with 1500, i should still see a loss.
I dont know the science, I know I am now using Cinnamon, Green Tea with Hoodia and a Bvitamin complex as well, all designed to speed up metabolism and burn the fat more efficiently, but again, its been 2 weeks or 3 maybe since i started that regime and i swear the weight is going up? i know it doesnt always work, based on the chemicals etc in our bodies, everyone is different. But i do know that the cinnamon is supposed to help with sugar metabolising and that should be effective in helping with my PCOS, which is the sugar lack of break down process in my body, which is why i take metformin.
The problem with the PCOS and the PMDD is that I dont get regular periods, but i tracked my moods based on some websites i had found regarding PMDD and I found that 3/4 of the month i was a crazy woman, totaly out of control wiht my emotions, i had headaches like weekly, daily even that would last for a few days, i was mental, upset, on edge all the time.....and i took that to my dr and she agreed that i needed to give this a go, so she put me on the YAZ and the Wellbutrin. As a result though, my sex drive has decreased as she warned it may do.....and i get headaches less, but now i also have little or no bleeding with my TTOM, less than i ever had. I maybe see spotting and there is no regularity to that either, so i dont know how to gauge when i am up or down or more tempermental etc.......based around the cycle of the YAZ. Like, I am in the first 7 days right now, today was day 7, is this why i am having a higher weight? My body is such a mess hormonally i feel like, even though all the blood tests show i am right on target.
Peter, a regular on here, brought to my attention on the HC about how i used to tease him about my getting down under 180-70 and now here i am in the low 160 high 150's and how far i have come, but when i see mysefl in the mirror i like you, still see the flabby spots, the untoned spots, the wiggles and jiggles. I know I am firmer in the legs, the arms etc, i dont see alot of the extra that was there. Granted, I know I have changed my shape, I am in a size 10 (although i got a size 12 capris at the big lots the other day put them on at home and they are short waisted and snug. :( That wasnt exactly encouraging...but i realize they get defective items alot, so maybe that is why they are there in the first place, they are more like an 8! LMAO... :)
Its hard to cut the carbs, its hard to make a regime for myself because of our budgetting now, its really tight, D has made 20,ooo less this year due to economy and we have had to cut corners. I dont buy all the veggies i used too, I dont do alot of what i did in the beginning of this journey now. Instead we eat alot of the same items MOST days and I do my best to have smaller amounts. I do know that Pasta, Potatoes, Breads (short of the flour tortilla we have with our breakfast buritos) have practically vanished because D doesnt eat any of that having had to eat them when he was a kid, and when he didnt finish he had to eat it at next meal.....We eat a lot of steak, corn, cucumbers and onions, i have my sugar free oatmeals etc....i get what i can to accomodate my needs as much as i can. The sodas etc, are really not regular anymore, maybe one a week?
I really want to just watch calories without having to avoid foods i enjoy because i find that i will overeat that item if i avoid it. leading me to binge etc. I never purge, but the tea keeps me regular! lol....
I know that working out isnt enough. I know that the calories i am taking in is too much, but as a result of that i instead try not to eat at all. Like today, I have had coffee but nothing else. Not good.
I was considering dropping out of the HC, because i see others losing and i am getting sad and beating myself up instead of getting my arse in gear. Wallowing instead of being Proactive. Need to step back and look at what i am allowing myself to do and stop doing it.
I dont know. I am down that is for sure. I also have no idea what has happened to Once Upon, she has vanished. Maybe she is being kind to herself and taking a break too????? Although that doesnt sound like something she would do?! She isnt a quitter, and neither am I!!!! lol
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MichelleP
Senior Member
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Posted: 16 November 2009 02:21 pm |
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It really is harder to buy healthy foods when the budget is tight. Produce, lean meats, hearty grains etc... are not cheap. My husband has been out of work since July which has put a huge dent in our budget, groceries included. Before that I was buying better nutrient quality food for the entire family. It is really challenging on a tight budget.
I have never tracked the calories that I burn. I do keep track of the workouts I do, whether it was cardio or strength training and how many days. Some workouts are 20 minutes and some are 1.5 hours and more. I keep track of my calories, fats, proteins and carbs each day and calculate my weekly averages. I've been shooting for about 1600 calories but haven't managed to even get that high the past couple of weeks. My caloires were lower last week but I didn't exercise either so I figured the lower calories would offset the no exercise. Which apparently it did because I lost. But that could have just been excess water I was carrying from TTOM. Who knows? I swear different things work different weeks. It's definitely not an exact science now is it?
I hope you don't drop out of the challenge, I like having you around. I think you've lost during every challenge, right? Maybe not as much as you wanted? I only met my goals during the Spring challenge here. Each challenge after that I have fell short of my goals. I've fell short of them but I've still lost some and it helps keep me going. I like seeing my name move up in the colors on the challenge board too. I like how you average your weight out for the week when you do your weigh in. It does make sense that way.
No quitting here either. My goal is getting so much closer now. We have both been pretty big girls and have come a really long way. It really is fabulous. I think it feels harder sometimes because we are so much closer now. We want to be there right now but we still have some work to do. And it can seem agonizing at times. It's getting so close we can almost taste it ya know. GO BJ!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 November 2009 06:46 pm |
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hey michelle, sorry i hadnt responded but i didnt get a notice...argh....so, no way am i dropping out of the challenge! i dont want to give up!! I have been pretty good this week, my weights been all over the place, but well, i am spotting today and thursday i had a high calorie day and its put me back up again! i am going to try to do one high calorie day per week, in the event we eat out etc, or i just have to eat something i shouldnt....and then have the other 6 days to keep it under the 1800. I was 159.8 today. But i did get down to 157.8 this week the day before i had the high cal day, so wednesday.
i wish i were more like you in that my calories have moments that i dont get anywhere near the goals, and actually come out under them...lol.....it sure adds up easy!! i have been good about not snacking after dinner most nites this week, i had like a dessert or something but nothing aside from that. I am still drinking my tea and taking the vitamins too.
on other news, my grama went into the hospital yesterday. She may have phneumonia. Her heart is tired, she is on a ventilator and isnt coherent now. She has fluid on her lungs so they are dosing her with lasix to get it out, then hopefully they can pull the venitlator and see if she breathes on her own. its so hard to watch this because two years ago this was my grampa goin thru the same thing, and she is following in his steps quite perfectly, its quite sad because she is very stubburn and is resisting to get any help. hence, we are all going crazy trying to meet her needs without losing our minds.....lol.....
i am spotting today, go figure. its a #%@&! shoot. i never know what is up wiht my body. oh how i wish i had been born with normal hormones!!!! ;-p
i need to get off my butt and do something today, so far i have been playing on the facebook, cleaning up my farms and doin the things that clear my mind of any sadness and worry....mindless things. MJ is watching scoobie doo and its kinda cool today. I was debating to go scoop the poo, but with MJ here its kinda hard. She usually goes with me, but with the 3rd horse being new still, i dont trust either of them enough to let her go with me. Maybe at nap time I will get bundled up and get out there.
i am not prepared for the weekend, i dont want to eat too much and shoot back up!! with D home, its harder, although he keeps me busy with chores, cutting wood for our fireplace, etcetcetc.......i enjoy those things though because its a great workout for me! :)
heres to a good weekend! :) lord give me motivation!!!!!
oh yeah, i have decided to go back to daily weigh ins for my sanity. It seems to be helping me somewhat. i can look back at last saturday and know that i am down 2 pds, from that weight, even if its not the starting weight of the latest challenge...lol......i am still working to get back to that original weight! lol.....its gonna happen!!!
do you have big plans for the holiday? we are supposed to be hosting dinner here, but well, with gramma up in the air, i am not sure now...lol...we shall hope for the best!
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