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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 15 March 2009 05:29 am |
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OK, BJ, you need to tell your dad that you cannot have all that negativity in your life from Grandma, and he needs to not talk about her or your brother. Draw the line and establish what is OK. You had a nice time with mom, and couldn't have the same with dad because his focus is in the wrong place! Don't let it chew you up. You know that your grandma is out in left field... and I suspect this isn't the only indicator of that, so let her and her poison words go! She is being judgmental and negative, and you are trying to get rid of those things in your life.
As for letting it all consume you, you need to figure out what works to expel it. What is good for stress? Music and dancing, reading a book, a brisk walk, a bubble bath, writing out your thoughts, whatever works to help you process and move on!!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 18 March 2009 04:51 pm |
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well we survived the visit with only one setback. During eating, M was in her chair sitting with them at the counter bar....D was at couch watching tv quietly while the 3 of us were at bar catching up. I guess M asked if she could watch the tv and dad turned her around. I jumped and said no, not while she eats and she started to cry....she hadnt napped which didnt help. So, I tried to shhh her and remind her no tv and she shouldnt have asked poppy for the tv....but it didnt help. D came and got her and took her to her room to lay down for a nap. She slept from 4-6. Mom and dad felt really bad, and I know I had shared many a times that we no longer do eating and tv together...but either it was forgotten or missed or overlooked since she asked and he obliged her. He felt badly but well, ok, maybe i should let him, but also i should say its M, since she knows better at this time. We stopped eating in front of tv about a month ago when it was taking her an hour to eat a bowl of cereal!
I know she is only 3 as my mom sais, but its the focus that we are still working on. I think they saw the changes and how consistent both of us try to be with her. When she awoke the outlook from her side was better instantly, she wasnt pushing the tickets anymore. Mom and Dad did really well, they didnt encourage her to make a mess with toys, or to take things out and not put away. It wasnt a bad visit, but I managed to drink a bottle of white wine anyway! M kept asking me if she could go stay at poppy and grammas and that was trying on my patience. She hasnt grasped it yet i guess and neither have i, since I would love to let her go just to give myself a day to be me and only me, as selfish as that sounds. I can barely go to the bathroom without an interruption from her. Some days are like that! She actually comes to see me while i am on the toilet to ask me to get her something to eat! LOL...she knows no bounderies sometimes! Again she is 3.
I got an email from dad, he stumbled over how that experience with her tantrum was, how bad he felt, and then he asked us to come to Tonys for st pats dinner...i guess that they were taking it to his house...which meant gramma and tony in the same room for a period of time....I said no thanks and try to leave us out of it for our sake.....
I kinda figure they will ask me to have her on Friday. I am not sure what I will say, sure it would be easy to let her go, as long as I can accept how she MAY be when she returns? I am not ready to leave her alone with D, mom said well how about when I am there too? I said I wasnt sure. I think we need to have some more visits here in our environment first, but I dont know if THEY are willing to do that for a spell. I still got a mouth full of Dad on Sunday about gramma and tony, and it WAS when mom and D were not with us....He waited till it was just us to spew his thoughts....typical dad. I dont know what I said or did, I think I walked away and went out with them. I tried to keep my cool all day, hence the bottle of wine slowly consumed...lol....but overall, it wasnt a terrible time, it was ok with potential if they can start to give her some rules...the sleeping over option is definately no where in the future, as much as I would enjoy sleeping in....but even then, i dont do that anymore anyway, we always get up on sunday and monday at like 6 and get into the hot tub before M wakes up anyway...we just cant sleep that long anymore....
D got a full 8.5 hours yesterday, yay! But he has to pull that each day this week thru saturday to get a decent check. I cant even think that we have bills to be paid....it just pains my brain. I had a terrible headache on monday and yesterday, that today has finally decided to lighten somewhat. I kinda just crashed and burned yesterday, got really negative and down, wahh wahhhed all over the forum and then i worked out. I made myself work out more, and i ate really good up until the nite time between 8 and bedtime. I had a brownie with milk! ARHG! Why do i say no all day long to taht #%@&! then when the day is finally over and i wont be able to work it off i go and eat it? Why dont i eat that high calories during the day when at least i can work out and get it gone? or at least tell myself i burned it off?? Its like i defeat my own progress....  
So, yeah..i did the bowflex upper and lower body then i did 2 fat burn miles with cooldown then went out and walked the 1/2 ac field with the horses and M till D came home. My head still hurts today, its making me squint...its annoying but its not HALF as bad as it was. I need rest, a good long rest where i am not constantly awoken by my boot, by the dogs outside, or by just myself in moving soo much....
Today is going good, D is a little down, we run that way though. I was down yesterday and he worked on pumping me up. Today, he is kinda blah and down about how he wishes we were in a better place financially and what is it all for? I prayed on it, asked God to help us financially and we will repay it in kind and then some, or at least just to ensure his time at work. If he is slow he usually text messages me thru the day, and so far i have not heard from him since before he got to work, that is a good sign... :) M is ok too, she hasnt done a lot of asking to see gramma and poppy, thank goodness since i have been kinda blah and down with headache, my tolerance is nill during those times....she is actually doing well!
I am not sure how to get Dad to stop talking about T and gramma. Given that in order to have st pats dinner at T's house he would have had to get gramma and bring her over, well, i imagine we were discussed. I dont know how it could be avoided, as much as i prefer it to be that way. I cant imagine what they could say that is negative, but almost all positives get twisted somehow in my grammas eyes. Time will tell. Yest, dad had written that little note, and in it he mentioned the way M was taken out of her chair by D and taken out of the room and it disturbed him.....That brought back the memory of last easter, at their house. My gramma and brother J and his kid and wife were supposed to be there at 6, they showed up at 8 and all due to my gramma.....so all the visit was then compacted into an hour, since we have an hour drive from their house.....that meant M would be in bed at like 1030pm....not the way we prefer it to be, at definately not due to my grammas inability to be somewhere on time...why should M suffer for that? So, to expidite the goodbyes, D did so by picking M up and walking out the door to avoid any tears and all the drawn out drama of goodbye in my family...the 14minute goodbyes you knoW? My gramma is still bringing that up, how D just Ripped M out of the room and didnt let her say goodbye........
That never happened, we said bye to all of them, she just didnt HEAR it and wasnt paying any attention to US at all..... I would never have married a man who did that or acted in that way. I told him to get out while noone was looking, but apparently my gramma was looking and she wont let that one day lie.....
ok, getting into a tiff in my head over that stupid day......you know you would think she could at least awknowledge that SHE WAS LATE by 2 hours, therefor she missed her precious time to spend with M??? no not for one second would she put any blame on herself...i wonder how or who i got the tendency to blame all things on myself from ???
Interesting thought! But one I dont think I should think on for too long....LOL...
Its sunny and nice today, I need to get out and feed the horsies and clean up the poop! LOL...then i need to workout and get ready to make lunch....not sure what to have today. We had our own corn beef and cabbage last nite, i had a small bowl, it was good. I rinsed the meat first and though its still fatty, since D loves the fatty....its not as salty....so I may actually have some of that..just a little... :) I do love the meat!
I trust that you are doing well, have you found a summer fling to tie up your free time whilst the kids are out? you still have two months yes? how is your son? how are you?? :)
thanks for being here again, your thoughts always make me smile, laugh and realize i am not alone and i am important... :) hugs!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 19 March 2009 03:34 pm |
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i am in a wierd place in my head. i feel unhappy about myself but i cant tell you why. i know i have lost weight and yet i feel clumsy and awkward as if it is still here on my body weighing me down. i see the clothes are loser, i hear the kind words from my folks, from D and yet, i still havent seen the change in my mind. does that ever stop?
i also feel isolated from D. I am not sleeping well and i toss and turn, i get sweaty and hot while i am sleeping, #%@&! the covers are really rarely on me...they are usually pushed in the middle of the bed where i can wrap a leg around them and feel that cool sensation of the cotton. I havent been very into cuddling, or even being very close lately either. I am not sure why. Maybe my head is getting me down again. I wish I could turn it off. I let so much affect me. It never takes a lot. Like last nite, i was cleaning the kitchen after dinner, he worked the entire time on the dining room table on 3 tv's out of some dudes coach that had blown a fuse...and D who is so industrialous brought them home to see if he could fix them! Yay! He got two fixed and now our spare bedroom has a newer tv and the HOT TUB room has a tv as well. To me its a bit over the top, because isnt a hot tub supposed to be relaxing not watching tv? he said its so we can listen to the xm sirius channels from the satelite...Ok, honey if you say so.....
No I jest, that is what we will use it for, but its a little much for me. We are pushing to keep M away from tv and distractions and yet, each room in the house has a tv. Am i just overthinking? He and I are on different tracks lately with M as well...it seems that my tolerance for her grows when he comes home, suddenly i am mom and empathetic to her when he tells her NO or dont talk to mommy like that...its like i want to defend how she is behaving, and i cant do that. I cant side with her just because his tone sounds firm. I know we are tough on her, but she is a better kid for it. I know we dont let her get away with #%@&!, but she is a better kid for it. I am not sure how come when he raises his voice to straighten her out that i cringe. Do i think he is too tough, esp after I can yelll at the top of my lungs over something she does that upsets me? it doesnt seem fair at all, and yet, i kinda shut down when he puts her in line, and its often due to a way she talked to me, or demanded something of me...and honestly i do jump whenever she sais something...i am almost never able to sit for longer than 10 minutes at a time. I have just accepted that is how it is to have a child. He sees it differently, she should be polite when she asks for something, not just say it as a demand without a please mommy. I get that, but why is it different when he sais it? Honestly I am sure she grasps it from him much quicker no doubt due to his firmness and authority. He has authority. I think too that maybe his ways work better than mine so i shut down sometimes feeling inadequate as her mom.
I have such a heavy head, where do i put it all? cant i have a pensieve like Dumbledore in Harry Potter, with a wand that I can suck the silver thoughts out of my head and put them away where I can go back and look without being affected???
That would be so lovely....and the baby is awake so its time for me to put the mommy hat on and relax about my insecurities...that is all they are. Insecurities about who i am. Will that ever go away? When will I like myself enough to wake up happy and at peace? I have a lovely home, a good husband who adores me, all of me, and a happy kid with 4 happy animals......why am i in disarray all the time??
I feel like half the month I have a period, and I practically do. These pills, plus the metformin plus the exercise and dieting, i have one two weeks out of the month. I feel that that plays a big part in my mood swings and my rages i go into about myself and my world. My doctor claims that is part of the process of getting back onto taking the birth control pills, but really: does it have to be this hard of a transition? is there no other way? Maybe I should take a chance and go see her for a small consult or try to get her on the phone, see if there is another pill that i can try, i saw YAZ and I am curious as it seems to emphasize the emotional troubles onset by periods......i think i will do that. :)
Again and always thank you for being around, appreciate that and i hope you are having a successful week! :) hugs
ps, yesterday i did the bowflex again and the 3 mile work waistline video..wow...i am doing much better with workouts...now if i can just get 8pm-bedtime snacking under control again.... :( still holding at 172.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 March 2009 02:59 pm |
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the other day i decided that i was tired of feeling so bad all the time, attributing it to my moods and such...and the bcp's that i have taken since sept. they say 6 months to get back on track only my track is all over the place. i have not gotten a regular 3-6 day period yet, instead i get spotts for a few days, then nothing and then again here come some spotts...and i always feel crazed. So, i have been looking into YAZ since i saw a commerical i was curious that it may be a better choice for me. I looked it up online and found out about something called PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). I looked that up and sure enough after reading and taking some tests, it appears I have severe PMS, possibly PMDD and that alot of the way I feel is based around my cycle. Only with the way my cycle isnt going, makes me feel insane most of each month. totally unstable, teary, headaches, nausea, vomiting ( i have never been as sick as I have been in the last few months, tummy wise) beating up on myself, anger, insomnia, alot of the #%@&! i have been experiencing could be as a result of this hormonal imbalance and it said that typical bcp's wont help it. I am doing so great already by eating better, exercising, cutting salt, sugar, taking vitamins like magnesium, calcium, b6. But that only helps a little, that mostly its the serotonin in our brains that is getting shorted...so with the YAZ and possibly another thing like zoloft of paxil i could feel good again! I read that alot of women excuse it away by being told them have PMS, or they are just depressed...which sure it could be that way..but how in the heck could i or should i be when i am losing weight, i am getting healthier, i am married and have a great kid, great dogs and horses, a lovely house, a new car, too many things in my life that are good. I dont think i am depressed, I think I am out of control with my emotions and i need help. I know since I started taking the bcp's in Sept that I dont feel like being physical with D as much, since i bleed so much, and its ickey dark and ehttp://www...i know i am irrational about how M behaves, and how upset i get over little things that used to roll off my back...i am not myself. I should be in a better place mentally. So, to be proactive I called my OB and I am seeing her on Fri the 27th. I am very excited, I feel empowered by this new info. Granted, I still feel like #%@&! alot, tired and not sleeping waking in sweats when i am naked and no blanket on me...weird things for me. But now, knowing that maybe it can be managed better makes me feel better, since I know something is not quite right with me and its like its coming to a tee for me and becoming more clear.
I am still fighting the headaches, daily...today its here again. :( But I am a trooper. Though I took a nap yesterday afternoon, I did do my bowflex (it took an hour!) and I didnt eat junk, since junk isnt helping the symptoms at all. All of the dark chocolate candies are gone, nothing left to snack on but my 100 calorie snacks. I am going to try to keep it that way. The scale has not moved this whole week, 172 again today. Wondering what I need to do to take it up a notch and start the loss again. Do I cut back even more food wise or up the workouts? I am not sure what to do. I asked Peter, who is in the spring challenge and he is catching up with me! I have been in the lead for so long and now i am falling close to falling behind, it seems everyone in this challenge is losing except I. I am maintaining, maybe my body is good at this weight? can that be? hmmm...soo much i dont know about my own body!
The dogs are making a lot of noise, gonna go see what is going on! As for today, workout for sure, since my old friend will be here tonite, she is bringing Pizza from Papa Murphys and we will surely have wine. I am excited, if only my head would stop aching.... :(
Can i just get a new head?? LOL.....
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 22 March 2009 04:57 am |
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BJ, sorry I have been so crazy busy this week I haven't checked in at all! Sounds like you are trying to work some things out. I think you are right to hold off a bit with your parents til you let M stay there. If you let them visit a few more times and get a sense of the schedule and guidelines you have for her, then maybe you will feel better about it. Of course, any grandparent is going to do a little spoiling, like letting her get off schedule a little or eat some treats, but they need to respect your basic guidelines about eating w/ TV, using the potty, etc... the things that are too hard to get back on track when kids get into their old ways!
I take Yaz and really like it. The BCP I took before that made me totally hormonal and nutty, I was tearful and would get really angry, etc. It was definitely from my pills, and it went away when I switched to the Yaz. The nice thing is, I rarely get my period at all on it. But you mentioned paxil and I want to caution you about that. Nobody I know who has taken it has had good results, me included. First of all, I gained 12 lbs in about 2 months. That's actually what got me from my goal weight of 153 back on the upswing into the 160's... and now beyond. Anyway, I was taking it for a gastrointestinal problem, they thought I had irritable bowel syndromw and it is supposed to help w/ pain receptors... but anyway, it was terrible. Everyone I know who has taken it had weight gain and mood issues. So, I would caution you against that particular on!!
Don't fret too much about grandma and T... that's the point of staying away, to stay out of their #%@&!!! As for M, don't fret about the differences between you and D. Kids need both parents, and need balance. Sounds like he is the more traditional disciplinarian. If that role doesn't fit you well, figure out what does. Be the loving supporter! You care about her and try to help her make good choices and learn the right things, so I know she will be fine!
Thanks for asking about me and my son in your journal! He has been keeping me busy with his own basketball games as well as track practice, and running him to watch his school's girls basketball team play in state championship games! Hopefully things will settle down soon~
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 March 2009 03:54 pm |
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first i need to say how wonderful to me it is that you are able to commit so much of your time to your sons. That is what I strive to do for M, that is why I am here with her and not out working...well, honestly it was feasable and economical first and foremost, esp in real estate for me to keep working...but now more than ever i see how valuable it is to be with your child. I had written a note to mom about the PMDD, she wrote me a book back telling me how it was for her at my age, having no choice but to work to support 3 kids in the 70's and 80s and how the migraines would debilitate her totally, she would take an injection for ease and would be down for two days, they never considered her hormones were out of balance, and hysterectomys werent options really discussed. She had the problems till she was 52, then hit menopause and it went away. The only difference for us was that she bled heavily where i spot regularly. It feels good to know she has it too, and that shows me moreso that i am a candidate for it as well. I am assured my dr will advise and approve me stopping the pill and taking the YAZ. I will be wary of PAXIl, thank you. I am not sure about any of them, but I know Zoloft used that cute little ball with a frown in the commercials and it seems to be the friendliest one of them all. I will do some more research. I am not sure if I will stay on the Metformin, but I am willing to try all of it just to feel better. I can only eat and exercise so much, it doesnt stop a headache or a mood from jumping over the side of the boat you know!? when i feel mental, stay out of my way! I cant beleive now that I am more aware of what could be wrong, how much i see my irrational reactions to things that are said or actions...it really is an eye opener. I had a tough weekend, started a new pack of pills, always a fun ride...NOT.  
The visit with my friend was blasted away by a surprise visit from J and his girlfriend and their 2 yr old (at 9pm no less!) and their already loopy friend Chris...who proceeded to make moves on my friend all nite. The evening got shot to #%@&!. We only said they could come since D's good friend who is really into playing drums was gonna come, so I said it would be ok. I was weary of the alcohol and drugs taht would be present with my friend, since she was involved with my brother for 5 years and he was the eternal "boy" who had friends over daily, drank daily, etc.....(my friend is my brothers ex, we have kept in touch over the years, she is dear to me, and we keep it separate from the family) anyway...ummmm.....i think she handled it good, she was personable and friendly but when he asked for her number she declined and she declined taking his!!! (thanks to the lord for that, he is so not good enough for her....) she said she had a good time, but the drag is that the nite we were supposed to enjoy catching up, getting her and D and M acquainted just got blown out of the water...by them showing up. The crappiest part was the D's good buddy didnt come. We assumed that it was due to the girlfreind and baby coming along...esp since it was originally going to be a guys nite at D's to play music???? so D was very disappointed, he didnt have any fun, I got sick from wine mixed with my med's and she got hit on all nite by a loser guy who manages and lives in an apartment complex and is often seen with a drink in his hand....ugh...
We came to the conclusion that J is in it for himself, and we were really bothered they failed to advise that JR wasnt coming, that A his girlfriend and her kid were coming, and at such an unreasonable time..and that they stayed over as well...left the living room a shambles, smoky and smelly from their cigaretes and beer cans all over, as if this is some bachelor pad. We are done with them, the lying, or fibbing to get down here to take over our house is done. We want new friends who are healthy and happy and at peace with their lives, like M....she took it all well and said she cant wait to come back, and enjoy sitting in the hot tub with us....since of course, all that we planned to do did not get done due to the other company... :(
I hope I get another chance and she will come back, I was very embarrassed by their behavior and hoped that she realized that these are work friends, not real friends, if i can say that and make sense??
Anyway, a lesson learned....I need to go now, M is up and making her sing song voice for me to hear. I hope that the schedule eases up soon for you MJ, but again, being a part of your sons life makes all that chaos worthwhile, he will remember it when he is a grown man with kids of hiw own that his mom sacrificed a lot of her own time to be with him and support him and his friends... I know I will remember it as I raise M. :)
Hugs
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 25 March 2009 09:28 pm |
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its wednesday, recovering from a surprise visit yesterday by my dad. Yep, he showed up here. In fact, I was out, and I just happened to come home when he was just feeding the horses. I was upset, but then M saw him and got all excited and I was whooped, exhausted and just didnt want to fight with her about his being here. He said he came with food for the horses, sent by mom. What could I do? tell him to leave? He did exactly what we have asked him NOT to do. I needed to get M down for her nap, she was already tired and snippy on the way home and honestly I just wanted to chill after being at the walmart...some days that place is a nut house! Dad was his same old self, talked about applying at a family bakery in ABQ....and so he decided to take a drive here with food and the dogs in the car, no collars no leashes.....so they sat miserably in the driveway in the car...until i felt bad enough to let them out to go bathroom.
Its just outa control. I watched him interract with M, I tried to feed her some lunch with big failure, she tried to talk to him and he either wasnt hearing her (aka not listening) or he was soo distracted trying to share more drama with me.....i dont even know what we talked about aside from T and gramma...again. It never helps to tell him not to talk about them since he does it anyway. I am so tired of it. M was doing the "lemme see it, lemme have it" with him and he wasnt correcting her, and I am trying to put groceries away and not lose my cool..it was not easy. I was already planning in my head how the nite was gonna go, knowing that D was gonna have a cow when he learned that he had come down. I just dont know how to treat my dad, sure I get so upset with his inibility to let things go, to move on from the bad and look to the good...or how to stand up to my brother and gramma. I cant help him. I tell him time and again how and why they wont get M for a while and yesterday just solidified my choice all the more. He doesnt get it, he obviously doesnt trust us, he was worrying about M goin to work with D on Friday so i can go to see my doctor about changing my pills. He was acting as if someone would come into the bays where he works and go into the camper where M would be watching a movie and take her and D would never know till it was too late? It was crazy talk as if we are two kids too stupid to get a babysitter or something, or better why we arent taking her to their house? I couldnt get thru to him.
So, last nite was shot to all #%@&! by the days events, my overspending beat me up in my head...and then dad beat up D's head all nite since he felt walked over and walked on by my dads choice to come here without being invited. I know how he feels, I had to be the one here to see my dad. I had to experience the un-needed drama....D just gets the brunt of my emotions afterwards..which can be really bad lately! He was going to write dad an email once again, but i know he hasnt yet, he wanted to cool off first. So, today, I sat down and wrote yet another lengthy drawn out, why dont you get it letter and read it about 5 times before sending it. I have told them the visits are ceased again, and they will only hear from us via email until we see that dad has his situation under control. (which obviously he doesnt, he still goes to see my brother T weekly, and then feels the pain endlessly after that) In all this time, nothing has changed. My mom, sure she has come a little closer to seeing how we have made changes and she is open to why i wont leave M but my dad is just in his own lost lonely world and it kills me but aggrevates me even more. I dont have the patience, esp now with my hormones freaking out like daily.
I dont know what else to do. We tried to let them back in. I wont allow them to walk on D and his wishes for his home, for gosh sakes! Come on! I have passed a point now, that i dont care what my gramma sais, let her tell everyone i am taking my daughter away from the family. I know the reasons why i am doing this and she is a main reason. If they wont listen to me, we walk away. I am not gonna be nice about it any more, or feel guilty about it anymore. I am so tired of the same old same old, we are trying to make something better in our lives and I cant let it get pushed down or doubted by people who just dont care enough to keep their mouths shut. I hate to say that about family. Family is not supposed to be that way, but in all my years that is how this family is.
So, anyway...I studied some more and I will lean away from paxil. No point in getting upset over wt gains when I am trying so hard to lose! I understand that Prozac (Sarefim) and Zoloft are options, so I may push for Zoloft and the Yaz combined. I am willing to stop the Metformin to see if anything changes, if it is necessary to do so. I just want to feel good again. I know that all my feelings cant just be about the family #%@&!. I never used to get as upset as i do about just anything that isnt quite nice..you know? Friday cant get here soon enough!
I am down to 170, thank god. Did a bowflex today and may get a walk in if my head stops pounding. At least I got the bowflex done!
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 March 2009 03:21 am |
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BJ, sorry to hear about your dad. Ann Landers always used to say that someone can only take advantage of you if you allow it. So, sounds like you are really going to have to put down your foot with your parents. Your dad is not respecting your wishes and needs in your home. It's OK to feel bad, but you still have to do what's best for your daughter, husband, and of course your own sanity!! Your dad sounds very depressed, which is probably why he has problems focusing and harps on all the negatives. He has to take care of himself and become someone people want to be around!
Glad to hear your weight is at 170. I am starting to see a little bit of a loss myself. It is good to see results in the midst of all the other stuff going on!!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 March 2009 04:18 pm |
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you are so right mj about my dad. i see that he really is in need of counseling. i know it would help him, he has the coverage to see a therapist or counselor, but i know he wont do it for his own doubts in his head spurred by what the "world of T and gramma" would say. I can hear gramma saying to anyone but him he is a weak man for seeking assistance in his troubles...she is that generation that annoys me the most. My grampa wasnt that way, he felt that if you were sick, or needed help to get it, dont sit around suffering if you can get better somehow. He was reasonable. He would have used the hearing aids had he needed them. God strike me for saying this but somedays i wish he was still here and that she had moved on to Heaven. I know, that is terrible to say, but he was just so much easier to take care of. He accepted the help, he knew he couldnt do as much anymore...he was humble not proud.
I am down another pd today to 169. AMEN! Praise that lovely holy Lord for giving me some push. For a while there i was totally off track, feeling that i was forever going to stay in the 173-4 window bouncing back and forth. D knew better, as he watches my calendar and sees the wts each day...he keeps saying you dip way down then you bounce back up and eventually you get down to that lowest wt again, its all part of the process. He is so smart! He has total confidence in my efforts. UGH......i bought HONEYCOMB cereal ( I ADORE IT) and i resist the urge to eat it all day right......then, after we hot tub at nite after MJ goes to bed he usually has a bowl of cereal and last nite, he did just that.....had my honeycombs that I avoid all day since I know i would go back for a second bowl...LOL... I ALMOST PULLED THE BOWL RIGHT OUT OF HIS HANDS TO EAT IT MYSELF!
Luckily I resisted by just grabbing one honeycomb off the edge of the bowl, but man, it was taking all the strength i had! Even the sound of his spoon scraping the bowl was getting to my head! It was crazy! I almost got up and moved to the other side of the couch because i felt so left out in that i cant have any, esp at 930pm. I am making great efforts to not eat past 8pm....but somedays i just have too! So, to get thru I had some of my walnuts and my trusty jug of water. UGH. Dieting sucks. Being fat sucks. The funny thing is, its the morning now...here i am deciding what to have for breakfast, knowing full well, a serving of honeycombs wont hurt me since i will exercise and work it off anyway....but now is not when i want it? does that sound nuts? I can walk right by them now, its no big deal...its just the late nite cravings that make me go nuts. LOL...I am wierd i know!
Very excited to go to the dr tomorrow, did some more research, plotted out the month of march on a chart that i found so that i could see my moods, the spotty days, the bleeding days, turned out that indeed the first week of this month i had spotting then the 3rd week again....so no wonder i am a crazy woman all month...esp if PMDD symptoms hit hardest before you get your period and just after. I feel out of sorts all month. I am considering tracking feb. too, just to show her two months like they talk about. All I know is I am ready for solutions. I am ready to feel good about the loss I am incurring with my wt and I want to be able to enjoy this success and not be such a b.it.ch all the time.
We may be getting some weather today and tomorrow, calling for snow, but the skies are just grey and the wind just picked up. I would love some moisture, since all the grass is going green, the tulips popped up, the flaggs have buds on them, the water is needed!
So far today I have had a few walnuts, a splash of coffee as i made it for D at 630 and right now i am eating some REGULAR oatmeal...i made a mistake and picked up one low sugar low cal box and then a regular box...darn it....So i am eating the regular ones first, to get them out of here! Its a variety box, and they all have over 130 calories or higher...ugh.....oddly enough, i think i like the lower sugar and sugar free kinds better, it allows me to put the touches into it i like so that i enjoy it better. With the normal packs, there is such a fakeness to the flavor, if that makes sense? Cant wait for this box to be gone, and noone else here will eat oatmeal, so its up to me to be gone with them!
Plans for today, work out, vacuum and clean up the house, read some of the Message and relax. Try not to think about my dad. Try not to get to wound up about little things. Try to keep my cool....and try to keep this small temple headache at bay.......
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 March 2009 11:32 pm |
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LOL. Dieting does suck. So does being fat. Guess it's a matter of which one sucks more. Congrats for getting into the 160's. I am really focused these days, and hope to join you there by the end of April... but by then you might be moving on to the 150's!!
You made a good point about generational differences in accepting help. Your dad might also see it as a sign of weakness that he needs to talk to someone and address his feelings. It's hard to watch someone suffer when you know things could get better. But he's an adult and has to make his own decisions... and live with the results, which means you do not want to be around him when he is like that. He needs to decide what is more important- being happy and having his daughter and granddaughter around, or holding onto his pride above all else.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 28 March 2009 04:34 pm |
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you and my dr said the same thing about dad. She gave me a counselor card from the hospital yesterday to pass onto dad in case he decides he could stand to see and talk and share with a person outside of the family circle who will just listen. She then emphasized how he must be the one to choose, noone can do it for him. Its just like losing the wt, noone can force you to eat, noone can help you to not eat or make bad choices...you have to do it from within. She commended me on my efforts my loss my change in the world around me, making the choice to separate from them, even with the pain it brings...she almost suggested i could go see the counselor too( i laughed since i had seen her back when i learned i was 5months pregnant and single! and losing my independence....or so it seemed!) if i needed to get things off my chest wihtout unloading onto D shoulders. I told her about the forum, how i have my journals and i have my "virtual friends" who listen, and sometimes share their opinions and that really helps me. She thought taht was awesome. She felt in the end that I am doing the right thing. That made me feel good, but she also said that you also have to remember its your parents, and we all have different opinions and experiences and that i may never see an improvement but i can love them anyway. So, after talking with D about the visit, I am no closer to whether i should mail him a note with the counselors card and hope for the best? Like D said too, that we all have a life to live, and some are shorter than others, but when its time its time and we have no regrets and we loved and lost and shared and you move on....dont be sorry that you made the choice you did with your dad, he is making his choice as well.
So, now i am thinkin my dad will be dead within a year! LOL...thanks honey! LOL....seriously though its true, noone can stop time, its just a choice how you use the time, and if dad would rather whine about the bad things then he can do it alone or wiht my mom or someone else....life goes on for us too....
As for my visit, we are confirming i have PMDD. She has put me on YAZ and also wellbutrin. She shyed away from prozac, zoloft etc....felt that this one would be a better fit for my situation. I have to go back at the end of May to take a fasting to see how the metformin is working and to share how i feel at that point. I was goin to wait on the wellbutrin but the pharmacy filled and i just said "f**K it, tears in a bucket, here i go, lets give it a 110% out the gate" and am going to take both from day 1.
I am fighting a small headache today, really annoying one and didnt sleep too well. Dogs next door started barking in the wee hours and wouldnt stop! D was tossing and turning for the 4th nite in a row, we are all unsettled. I am glad its his friday and the next two days we can rest and relax. We are expecting some high winds those days, no fun. We plan to tow the suburban into town for a diagnosis in hopes of getting her back on her feet since we have his sister, her two boys and black lab coming for the week prior to easter. Having a large transpo makes getting anywhere much nicer. I pray it wont be a BIG FINANCIAL SETBACK....and of course, if its something big we wont do anything, since we dont have the money!
Living without credit is TOUGH!!!!!! Living on half the hours is TOUGH!!! We got paid yesterday, I paid all the small bills because the entire check wasnt enough for mortage payment, so we have a little cushion till next check in two weeks....thankfully he gets a check the day before the company gets here...so we wont be totally tapped...i hope...but the mortgage will fall late for march on the 31st, and we dont have the money...He called them since we had tried to pay 500 last check, any attempt we made got kicked back, they denied it...has to be full amount or more than. He is now in with some mediation company that is attempting to get the mortgage co to allow him to push back some payments so he can get some saved to catch up...and also to lower his interest some...they prepared a statement of hardship and we are living accord to them about 2000 overur income each month...that is not totally accurate, he fluffed some numbers but the hard part is his checks being half of what they normally are...we arent living high on the hog in any way..but he cushioned some of it in the attempt that they will agree to work with us.....Oddly enough the mortgage co referred him to the company so hopefully we will see some sort of positive response next week. Anything will help. His hours are getting better slowly, but each day he fights for at least 6 hours! he works by the job not the hour...which is a better deal as a tech in a shop.
Anyhoo.....i am so cold right now! My fingers feel like ice cubes! I was out in the dark this a.m. picking up horsies poop and cleaning up garbage that blows into our fields from our sloppy pigglike neighbor. I am such a punk, i get sooo tired of cleaning the neighbors trash out of my yard that today, after finding a bill statement from that very neighbor...i just took a big bag, loaded all the ickey garbage into it and promptly tossed it back into his yard! ARGH! I know that was lazy of me, but dam if i want to spend my time picking up this lazy arses trash! We live within 6 miles of the dump, is it really too much to ask to go drop your trash if you cant pay 34 a month for the waste management????
Some people!!!! they arent broke judging by the food wrappers i picked up, fast food, take out pizza etc...beer cans galore, cigarrette boxes....ugh, its soooo below me to do that, what i did today...but i would easily take a match and allow the whole place to burn to the ground, its not worth the dirt it sits on.
Dont tell anyone that though!!!  its a single wide trailer, it would be gone before the volunteer firemen showed up!!!!
I would never, but it makes me feel better to say it...i would rather look at burned rubble than his weak and emaciated dogs, his dirty yard and his endless trash....
Some people dont know how to be clean and neat and respect thier property, its sooo sad. I am glad I was raised right by my parents for nothing else than to be a neat, clean, tidy, organized respecting person. Thank god they did that for me!!!
Have a great weekend MJ and enjoy your new beau, running and eating well!!! :) If you are travelling with sports, just eat the yummy salads at Mcd's or a salad bar and enjoy yourself! :)
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 29 March 2009 10:27 pm |
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I don't know your dad so I don' t know how he would accept the card, but what about sending it to your mom with a note that you are concerned and hope she will have discussion with him about it? I think he is going to be resistant no matter what, but at least opening the door and giving him an idea is a good plan, for the future when he might be ready.
Your neighbor is such a nightmare. I don't blame you for wanting to give his garbage right back to him! Where I live, a person can be ticketed for habitually barking dog. Maybe you should check into the statutes to see if there is any recourse! I would go nuts hearing that night after night.
Good luck w. your wellbutrin. I have a friend that takes the metformin/wellbutrin combo for a hormone disorder and it really has helped her a lot. One benefit is that the wellbutrin doesn't have the same issues with weight gain as some of the others, according to her doc.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 31 March 2009 08:51 pm |
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yeah kinda getting past the parents again....havent heard from them. we did get invited to my brother j's for easter sunday. That is a negative, we will not be attending...have other plans, sorry. He is the one who acused me of using M.eth when i first cut my dads tie and stopped talking to him. I HAVE NO DESIRE TO SPEAK OR SEE HIM AT THIS TIME.
Besides that is the last day my sister in law will be here with her kids and their black labbie....we wont want to go anywhere. I will send them all cards and wish them easter wishes and be done with it.
I have good news to report, the headaches have subsided for the moment, I havent really had one since sunday, when i awoke to a 3rd period for march...ugh but having to face without a headache really helps. I am up a pd but i am accepting that and will work on it this week. The weekends always throw me off since we do differnt when D is home, eating times etc....i am kinda nervous about family coming since we are not totally stocked on food and i hate to encourage them to go to the store since they will be here a whole week, but 3 extra people will zap our food supply. We just arent sitting on a lot of cash at the moment, and though i love to share and share alike, when cash is tight its hard to make our food cover all of us as it is, let alone two teenage boys and a grown woman. I hope it will all work out.
Not much else goin on right now, a bit emotional today, D called midday to talk about money he needs for another class for work, it wont get him more money but we have to pay for it.....that is how it goes....maybe that kinda got me down ??? I need to workout and i need to eat something, but i am kinda just zoning out at the moment.....not sure what to do?
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 1 April 2009 02:56 am |
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Sorry to hear about the class, and the need for extra food too. Whenever I stay with someone, I always go to the store and purchase food so that I don't tap out the host, so hopefully she will be that kind of guest and offer to help out! You'll just have to be creative with food. Good idea to stay away from your brother's, and it is good that your parents are staying away so you can have a breather~
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 1 April 2009 03:23 pm |
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the class is something he needs, so it is what it is, he used what he had on a credit card.....just enough basically! Money is the devil! I can say the nite didnt get much better, i had to go and bring up the calculating ideal body wt thing based on your wrist that crimson sent to me, it told me that i need to be like 117-130! WOW! Cant see it! So I brought it up with him, and well, i said i didnt know if i can see myself as thin as he is, but then with my shorter ht maybe i could..and he said he didnt want me that thin, that i would be obsessed at that point and not know how to stop dieting. I think he thinks i am obsessed now as it is...but that whole conversation got turned around and into his being too thin to do things like swing me around etc....(i have issues with being swung around, the one guy who tried pulled his back, and he was a larger man and i felt totally responsible for that injury and never let anyone do it again).....again he took it that i feel he is too thin and then he said to me that i should go find myself some fat mexican who can lift me up!
Ugh i wanted to cry. I told him to shut up, that is not what i am saying, I am saying i need to feel comfortable in my skin and wt and that has nothing to do with any men. I got quiet and got out, dried and laid down in bed with my lovely boot on, trying to get my head to chill. How does my insecurity about my wt turn into being about him? i cant help it he is so thin, I wish he could gain about 20-30 pds, but apparently he cant. I can tell him to see a doctor, see about some supplement to help him, but went there and he tells me his delaware doctor told him he is ideal and healthy and the only thing he doesnt have is a fat reserve should he get really sick. MJ he gets sick due to his teeth, he needs them all taken out and he needs implants, it would be costly and until then he has very bad sick teeth that act up causing him to take pain pills and thereby causing his belly to act up and cause him to not eat for days. DAYS. By then he is weak, he is tired and he cant eat anyway. Its a viscious cycle and i hate it, and hard as i try to keep him fed i can only do so much. I think sometimes his defense mechanism kicks in and so he tells me his doctor told him all that stuff because he has gotten grief all his life over his thinness. I do feel that the dentist can help him somehow, at least take the bad tooth out that causes him to not eat for days, and i do think that there are supplements or proteins that can help him gain. He is not puny, he is all muscle, but he has no fat. Not one ounce i bet. Lord knows that last thing i want to do is lose my hubby due to being too weak due to the stupid teeth. I try nicely to talk to him about seeing a dr or dentist and he shuts me down. He has insurance he pais monthly for but he has never used it. Why have 240 taken each month if you arent gonna use it?
Ugh....health, when did it get so complicated????
As for me, didnt work out yesterday. Couldnt get my butt in gear. Havent weighed in yet today either, but i scooped the horses poop up, ran it out to the far end of the field and i finally went #2 this morning! I am hopeful that the wt will be back to 169. I feel down today but i think it is mostly about last nite and how badly things ended. We both get so wrapped up and emotional about our past, the people who hurt us, the mistakes we made, and of course the holiday creeping around the corner, and no cash in our pocket, he feels that he isnt providing....etcetcetc....being married and all that comes along with it!
I mailed the family all easter cards today. I sent some pics of MJ and the horses to my brother J, since he has no idea i dont think? Said we had other plans, but thanks anyway, as it is, they have never come to this house since I moved here...so really what do i owe them? I can hear the whining about MJ missing on the easter egg hunt and how cruel i am.........but who cares? remembering last Easter is enough for me to pass on the invite. I didnt even say anything but happy easter to anyone else, who cares anyway? i dont get nothing but grief from all of them, they should be happy to get a freaking card. I think I will have an easter egg hunt here for MJ anyway....I have the stuff, so I will plan to do that for her, and we will play the rest by ear. We always have hard boiled eggs and i Have some beats, so maybe I will get motivated. DEpends on the family and if they are still here on Sunday. I did get a note, and yes, she will be buying them all that they would need for a week as if they were home and not to worry about it any longer! WHEW!
I am not sure what i will do today, just washing clothes, sheets, towels and being on call for MJ  our lovely daughter! :)
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 2 April 2009 02:30 am |
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| The whole thing w/ hubby sounds like a big miscommunication! The topic was somethng you are both sensitive about, and you are dragging in old history and thoughts... and it got messy! You should just clear the air with him and tell him you love him as he is, and want him to be healthy and happy... and want the same for yourself! it's sad he has all those dental issues. My mom recently had her teeth pulled and got dentures. At first, it was very uncomfortable while they adjusted them, etc but now she just looks and feels so much better. Mouth infections can be so dangerous and it is super important to get the teeth taken care of so he doesn't get a bad infection... but I have NO idea how you are going to convince him of that! Stubborn men!!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 6 April 2009 04:51 pm |
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all is going ok with our company, MJ is doing really well, her and C are getting along wonderfully, he is autistic and doesnt like touching, and she is being so good! I am very proud of her! The first day got hectic, but excitement and all!
I am up to 170, but its ok. Considering we have them here, they eat sugar, and carbs and such, so though i am doing my best to stay clear, if sis makes dinner, i am eating it! In moderation! :)
D and me, well, we just have to give ourselves time, with the med's changing i am all over the boards still. I woke yesterday bleeding again, and now today nothing, i just cant prepare, or plan how i feel day to day, which stinks. I was in a teary state yest am, hiding in the bedroom so noone would see. It all came down on me, no money to go play, clothes are all loose and sloppy (good yes, but to look nice and go out, ickey) not wanting to go anywhere cuz it all takes money..money money money...it never stops.
No matter how hard I talk to God, to pray to him and ask him to take my worry away, its still there. Either he isnt listening, (though i think he is) or he has to step back and say its just where you are now, be patient, you will overcome if you believe...I do believe. But am I worthy?
We are heading to ABQ today, going to take the boys to Toys r Us, that will be without MJ, she is staying here with Daddy today. Sis is talking about Sonic for lunch...OH LORD, help me be strong!! I have no money, Its so hard not to have money! D did do a side job for a customer and got some actual cash in his hand, so that helps us. Any little thing helps us, so yeah, God is listening and providing when he can! :)
Exercise hasnt been more than keeping all content, keepin the house maintained, and outside as always, not really getting time or privacy to do workouts. Had some ice cream each nite for dessert, before 8pm. I am doing ok. :)
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 7 April 2009 01:08 am |
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| Bj, it's nice to hear that the visit is going well. Don't stress about the $- just tell her you can't afford to go and want to eat at home or whatever. There shouldn't be shame in telling family times are tight! Plus, that will just do more damage to the diet. You should have a yard sale and sell all those too-big clothes, then go get some smaller ones! Wouldn't that be nice. If I keep eating, I am going to need to do the opposite... sell all the too small ones and get bigger ones hehe. Glad to hear that hubby did a side job, that's a nice unexpected little bit of $.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 8 April 2009 08:09 pm |
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LOL out here, noone has the money to buy my fat clothes although many could wear them! I would have to go set up a mini sale in the parking lot at the shopping center to make any money! LOL....ahhh its all good, it is nice to have my capris falling off my tush, although complicated to run in them that way!!! I told D last nite, I may just have to get some new capris and he laughed. One day, I will take a shopping spree! They laid off one of the less than guys at the shop so now his hours should get better..he wasnt doing any good for the company anyway! More work for D! :)
Visit wonderful so far, MJ and C her older son, who is autistic are getting along together soo well, its lovely. MJ is a bit of a handfull, but since sis only has boys, she has loads of patience and is having a blast with MJ. I told her I will send her up for two weeks anytime to give me a break if she would like, like step parents...she laughed at that but MJ was all about it! We are talking about going up there for Christmas, SNOW SNOW SNOW...wyoming at christmas..how cool would that be? We have to find doggy care for the babies and horsies though...that could be a rubb...
I am back to 168, somehow!!! I took my measurements too, I am now up to 21.25 inches lost! WOW!   Not as much loss this time around, but hey, I will take what I can get! I weighed in last measurement at 173, so today is 168, not bad. I know not a big loss, but a loss nonetheless. I need to work harder....NEXT WEEK!
Mom asked us to come up friday, i declined due to C and his being uncomfortable in a tight space and crowded and no tv for his star wars games, plus the dogs and we have a insurance rep coming to look at our roof because of the terrible wind storms....LORD MAY WE GET SOME REPAIRS DONE BEFORE IT ALL BLOWS AWAY! I have shingles all over my yard, some in the trees even! ARGH! I was feeling kinda bad since sure, I love my mom and would like to see her etc...but she was very sweet, wrote back saying its ok, we will do it another time, give all hugs and kisses and enjoy the visit, watch out for the wind. Nothing from dad though........nothing from dad....
Other than that, its just nice having a girl around I can talk too, we have soo much in common and we have a good time together.....i wish they would move closer... :) Maybe if I pray on it!!!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 12 April 2009 08:09 pm |
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family left yesterday. mj is with my parents!! i know, cant explain except they asked and we said ok, on these terms. so far so good. today will be a big day as they are goin to my brothers house, easter egg hunt and turkey dinner? (had 3 easter egg hunts here on friday with her cousins. had a great time!) i have a headache today, but i am doing a bowflex workout to combat it. i have a cold sore! i must have gotten a virus somehow since i had two achey pain days and no appetite, hence the low wt! i am back up, but i will get back down, i have had two days of eating!!! but i did 5 mile fat burn, all 5 miles yesterday and today this workout, plus some yoga.
D and i are enjoying the vacation as well! hot tubbed last nite, this morning and are catching up on our time and our movies... :) its been a good week so far. :) 
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 13 April 2009 07:49 pm |
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I have decided today to redo my list to keep myself in check. I am also signed up on the 6 week workout challenge.
Cardio: 3 days a week of either 3mile wasitline or 3-5 of the 5 mile fat burn video
Strength Training: 2 days of bowflex workout.
New Goals for myself personally and food wise:
1. 3 meals a day, 2 snacks between if needed.
2. 1/2 soda if I get an itch for something carbonated...give other half to D or MJ.
3. More fruits and vegetables, salads, greens...6 servings a day total.
4. No Candy.
5. 2 servings of bread a day. That allows me to have a sandwich or toast, whether its PB&J or Tuna Fish or Egg Salad...only 2 servings a day.
6. No eating after 8pm.
7. Allow one day in the week for a serving size bowl of cereal.
So Far I have completed:
Saturday: 5 mile workout
Sunday: 3 mile waistline and bowflex
Monday: Cleaning house, vacuuming, bathrooms, laundry, rearranging furniture, 3 mile fat burn
My folks are bringing mj back tonite, having dinner here. I am not sure what to make....D asked for rice pudding, so far that is all i have. Havent thought about it. Went to the store at like 7am today, got some food we needed, not going back till next pay check!
D talked to mom last nite, they were wrapping up at brothers house, having a great time, mj went to church, had 3 easter egg hunts and has been getting her sleep too! Truth is in the pudding though, how will she be tonite upon returning home??
My wt up a tad, but I PIGGED out the last two days, making up for my little virus i had i suppose, two days no eating, two days overeating...it all balances out! I will get back to my low, I must! We had a nice happy weekend here, just the two of us. Lots of hot tubbin', Pirates of the carribean and Harry Potter and doing just about whatever we wanted! :)
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 15 April 2009 04:48 pm |
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its wednesday, midd week.....trying to get back to my low wt but having a lot of trouble. i have worked out every day since saturday, and i am trying not to get discouraged! I am eating more as a result, and counting all the things that go into my mouth....argh....up and down my roller coaster goes. I feel good doing the workouts again, although yesterday noone could have paid me enough to get up and do something.......but i did do it! At like 4pm! then i kept going and did some jogging in place too! just goes to show....but inevidebtly i wake up hoping to see a drop and i am still at 167. ARGH.
I have extended an offer for my parents to have mj again this weekend. it wasnt a bad visit, aside from the goodnite and goodbyes....showing up later than planned..but that was ok. ( i could have SWORN i wrote in here yesterday but maybe not???!) I am having a deja-vu moment wiht my thoughts...wierd. I think I would like a little time for me. Just me. D works fri and sat like normal, so i am kinda hoping they will say yes and i can have two days for me. that would be such a treat. No one here but me and the dogs during the day.....i could catch up on sleep! HA! Yeah right! I would be busy the whole time...i know myself enough!
I would like to give myself a pedicure and watch some of my romance movies, that i adore...i tend to not watch those so much with D...he loves Love Actually but to push him thru sleepless in seattle or french kiss is asking too much! LOL....but i love him and if i asked he would oblige me cuz he loves me that much. I dont really know what i would do per se except just be for a while. Sad huh? I have gotten myself up on facebook from an invite from a dear old friend in no. cali and we are talking, it is so nice to get in touch with old friends....and share pics and the day...i wish we werent so far apart..but we arent going to cali anytime soon.....although i wonder if it would ever be an option? maybe sacramento??? where its warmer and hot like here??? hmmm....lets get that ball rollling!! we would have to sell this house first...and it would be a tough thing to do in this market.....hmm....not now..stop the thoughts....stop the thoughts...you can relate with them just fine from here..... :)
mj needs me i have to go now...have a wonderful day!
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 16 April 2009 12:46 am |
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BJ, just wanted to stop and check in on you. Good to hear that you are getting back to the exercise. It's also nice that MJ got to go to your brother's for Easter and you didn't have to go haha. Little ones miss out on a lot of the tension and drama, so she will have a great memory of a day with the fam. I need the pedicure and me time really bad too! I wish I had the $ right now to get it done. I have to run my numbers and shuffle the $ around and see if I can swing it, because that is a great treat~ Glad to hear that D is going to get more hours since they let the other guy go. That should help out I bet~
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 16 April 2009 03:38 pm |
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oh no mj, i dont go anywhere for my pedicures and manicures. I do them myself, have most of my life. It is my way to relax and I enjoy being a perfectionist. LOL....besides if i had 30 bucks, i would go get a haircut. I am unhappy with my hair. It is too layered to do anything when i brush it and it just doesny lay pretty. If its all one length its a puff since its so thick. A week with sis makes me want to cut it short, she has like a pixie cut almost, super short....and it made me itch for the days when i had none as well, its easy. I know its never easy with hair period so i shall cease this complaint....we always want what is on the other side of the fence. It is just in a phase, and i never went to deep condition it and i should get a trim since i colored it after the last trim at valentines...oh when i have 20 bucks to toss around...and D will let me go. He hasnt cut his hair in over a year and he is trying to grow it all long like a big hair band guy....another phase i guess.
anyhoo..as you can see i am in a mood today, feeling crabby and emotional and down on me. better get my butt in gear, baby is awake and i need to shake off my mood. lord let it be a good day, let the tears be at bay and go back out to sea. I dont want any tears. I should enjoy today because tomorrow morning my folks will be here to take mj for the weekend till sunday. i should be happy and enjoy today. I should be happy and enjoy today. i should be happy and enjoy today, no tears....
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 17 April 2009 03:21 am |
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| Yes, there will be no getting down on oneself here, so stop that right now! I usually do my own pedicures when I need to trim, file and change my polish. However, I try to squeeze in a professional one now and again to keep my feet in better shape. Usually the start of sandal season has me adding that to the budget. That's funny that you mentioned the haircut too, because that is also on the agenda. I e-mailed my stylist, who is also a good friend, just today asking for an appointment in the next week or two. I am not sure what I will do. My hair is currently down the middle of my back, just below my bra strap. I was cleaning my dresser today and noticed in two or three very flattering pics (and that says a lot because I hate the way I look in pics) that I had a nice shoulder-length style... thinking about chopping 5-6 inches off... maybe......
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 17 April 2009 04:12 pm |
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i bottomed out yesterday, must have taken in over 2000 calories, for me, that is high..even with a workout! as it is dragged thru the bowflex and took a walk with mj, we did a loop that we havent done distance wise before maybe just under 2 miles, since she was walking. kinda tough for me since i am a speed walker, by habit and i had to keep stopping, i tried to walk slow i really did! she did well too! she loves to run...god love her for it! i couldnt do that since when i tried my pants were falling down! lol...how funny to cry about eating soo much when my pants fall off! the irony of that statement. But the reality is that the pants i had on were from my 180-190 days..so yeah, they are loser now. :)
Wt way up today, but again, had wayy too much yest and i had rice pudding for dinner, with chicken soup...so yeah..of course it was up!!! then i went back when we were playing scrabble at 840pm and i had a slice of my moms peperoni quiche pie thingy she does for easter, a cup of sugar free cocoa, and some more peanut brittle...i know..what a pig! wasnt even hungry. I do that alot. I will eat because my head thinks of something but not because my tummy asks for it. I call it the emotional eater in my head that forces me to go to the kitchen! LOL...
i have to get it back on track. I am proud of my workouts this week, hoping that next week i wont flop on them and get back on the food track! It seems i cant be good at both at the same time...not sure why? One week i am on fire eating right, but i cant get my arse to exercise, then the next week i have an insaciable appetite and cant stop working out! I have to find a way to get both goin in the same direction at the same time...i have too.
Mj doesnt realize she is leaving me today, we packed her bag, and i said it was a surprise but no more..she is being a good girl today, watching Find Nemo. We got about 20 disney movies from sisters kids last week, stuff even i hadnt seen yet..the oldies snow white sleeping beauty dinosour nemo and about 10 veggie tales too..its awesome. She really enjoys nemo and ice age.....its cute. Now i dont have to get her another movie for like a year! I do want to get her bee movie but only when she is really really good.
I am not sure what i will do today, i have Bones and House to catch up on, and thursday nites lineup..i am gonna give southland a try since the maker of er has created it and i have csi to watch too...Maybe i will just relax, do my walk today, and try not to eat. HA!
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CrimsonAnimus
Moderator
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Posted: 17 April 2009 09:00 pm |
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Hey, BJ!
Your walking story reminds me of Grandma. She stays with us here from time to time, and we occasionally walk around in the neighborhood in the evenings. I tend to walk pretty fast, but she walks pretty slow (it takes us about 30-45 minutes to do a mile). Well, the dog enjoys the slow walks sometimes, too. Gives her time to sniff everything in sight.
Woo-hoo for Scrabble! I love Scrabble, and just about any other word game. It's Mom's favorite game, and we used to play it ALOT, until she burned me out.
House is Sis's favorite show. Dr. House is quite a hoot. If he was a real doc, and they were filming it for real, they'd probably have new people on it every week.
I'm the opposite with diet and exercise. If I exercise, I tend to eat really well. If I stop exercising, I tend to go back to the dark side with my diet. It's quite a struggle.
Congrats on your progress so far!
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 18 April 2009 09:31 pm |
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| BJ, loose pants are a great way to see your progress... just not a great way to try to run hehe. Sounds like MJ enjoyed the walk, and it was good to get outside I bet. Sometimes I got walking with my good friend who is much slower than me, and I try to focus on the company instead of the fact that I could be burning calories. My son got me hooked on watching House, he just loves that show. Good luck aligning the good eating with the good exercise. Trying to do the same myself right now!
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Karels.le
Member
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Posted: 19 April 2009 12:19 am |
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Hi! Just briefly skimmed through a few of your posts from back in 2008. Sorry about all of the stresses from your dad and brother. My family is similar. I finally told a good handful of them off and to not talk to me until they apologized for a few things! And I haven't talked to them! I have felt so relieved since then! I know I probably sound so mean! Here's the deal my mom LOVES to trash talk me and put me down. All of my life her and my grandmother have done this to me and my brother would join in and NOT get punished. I was a pretty healthy build right up until about middle school. Not too much fat.. mostly muscle. At 9 years old my mom and my brother teased me constantly calling me "Thundara Thighs" and telling me the earth shook when I walked. She'd say my butt looked like two beach balls fighting for the same spot, that I was a fat cow and that I stuffed my face all of the time. Which is not true! If anything I ate too little or too much greasy / sugary foods! I'm guessing my body was storing what it could. My friend calls it "survival mode" where the body thinks it won't see any nutrients for a while so it packs on pounds of fat and uses the muscles for fast nutrients.
I have been reading up a lot lately on this and found out that I could take in about 900 - 1200 calories per day and take USP (u.s. pharmacopia) quality daily multivitamins. They have to be these kind or they will dissolve too early (in your stomach) and get ruined by the acids. By the time it reaches your intestines the nurients are null and void. There's not enough there.
So by forcing your body into a calorie deficit it tries to find something to burn. and since your take those good multi vitamins it's getting enough for the muscles to be taken care of. All that is left if fat to burn off.
Right now I am challenging myself to lose enough weight and build enough muscle mass to do pull ups. LOL When I was in school that was their methods (from elementary to high school) to test and see if you would pass the class and I could never do any pull ups!!! I must have been doing something wrong! But I did find a video on You Tube today about training yourself to build a stronger back and arms and what not and working up to being able to do pull ups. lol Granted the videos was aimed towards men but I don't find anything unrewarding about a good strong set of back muscles and non-flabby arms!!! Just think of how many different exercises you can replace with a few sets of pull ups!!!
I don't have a scale, but I have heard the best time to weigh your self is in the morning (after your morning restroom break) and try to do it once a week. Also keep in mind if your are losing fat but putting on muscle mass you will only see the weight gain and maybe dress sizes dropping. I have people guess my weight all the time. They think I weigh 160 lbs or so. Not true I am 225 lbs and have been since the age of 21. The part that hurts about this is that since I was 8 years old I wanted to go into the military. Now I am too fat and have all this stupid emotional baggage!
But this is the reason I am here! To find people who want support in this just like me! Over the years I have been very bad to myself and caring too much about other people! I need some more focus on me!
If you are having sweet tooth I found that it's really cool to just grab a little cup of cinnamon apple sauce and eat that OR you can mix it with 1/2 a cup of oatmeal and warm it up it soooo tastes like an apple pie and way different from those prepackaged flavored oatmeal stuff!!! So for like 60 calories or 110 calories with the oatmeal (extra fiber) you can have an awesome treat!
Another thing I learned a while back (this is also fun for families to get together and do...) Take chocolate gram crackers and low fat / fat free whipped topping and make "ice cream" sandwiches. Wrap with plastic wrap and stick em in the freezer! I haven't tried it yet but I bet you can add flavorings like choco powder, orange, or mint maybe?? Or a frozen yogurt instead of the whipped cream stuff??
I dunno give it a shot and lemme know! lol
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 April 2009 06:15 pm |
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hello! hey, you know the graham cracker and whip cream sounds pretty good! I just havent let myself get any grahams, since i adore them in milk, made into mush in my glass that i then eat with a spoon! hence the reason i havent bought any in a while...
i relate to your thoughts as well, though i never heard anything from my mom, my brothers and dad, sure from time to time....it still effects my memory but honestly no one has seen me since i have lost the weigh but my parents....so who knows what theyd say now? i am trying not to care much about them....its just hard for my 3.5 yr old because she spent the first years around them. Its getting easier i guess, they still want to see us, but they dont come here so why should i go there???
the dieting is back on track, i learned the medications i am on are going to cause some gain, so i can relax knowing i am not totally blowing but i need to be aware and watchful. Yesterday was day one, and i did really well. Today is going good for now as well. I need to workout at some point, but we had a new arrival today that has occupied some fo my time.....
This am, when d was leaving, he mentioned about a dog and how we would wait till after the summer when moses, our cousin from wy will be here. He is a black lab, sisters lab...and we are watching him for a few weeks in the summer. So, he leaves...and i hear all sorts of barking outside and low and behold there is a shepherd puppy at our gate! He had a collar but no tags, so i brought him in and gave him a bath, and the girls (our two dogs, sisters) took to him and he has been very sweet. I am sure he belongs to someone, but whoever they are mustnt care alot or he wouldnt be out. It happens out here in the sticks alot, people get dogs and let them run free, they get hit, get left, get dropped off....anything goes....so we are probably gonna keep him. He is adorable, he has one blue and one brown eye. Perky ears, nice bark, great teeth! We will have to neuter him, since he isnt. I am guessing he isnt chipped, or he would be neutered too since they go hand in hand with the vets here. If they wanted to breed him, they wouldnt let him run and there arent many purebreeds out where we are....alot of mutts. I think he is pure shepherd. He has a torn carpal pad, which isnt good, but i put some neosporin and gauze on it to keep him from licking too much. Its bleeding a bit too, but this way he isnt messing with it. I think that D will be thrilled, since he wants a buddy....but already he has taken to me and mj...lol.....so alas, we have a new addition to our animal day care! Now, I have 2 horses, 3 dogs and a kid! Yay for me!! Its awesome!!
We planted some grass seeds yesterday, may we grow more grass! I am watering as I speak, which takes about 2 hours total...we have alot of ground to cover out here. Its a lovely day, I would take mj for a walk, but i am not sure about leaving the pupps alone just yet. Maybe after her nap we will go out for a spell.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 April 2009 06:22 pm |
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Karels.le wrote: Hi! Just briefly skimmed through a few of your posts from back in 2008. Sorry about all of the stresses from your dad and brother. My family is similar. I finally told a good handful of them off and to not talk to me until they apologized for a few things! And I haven't talked to them! I have felt so relieved since then! I know I probably sound so mean! Here's the deal my mom LOVES to trash talk me and put me down. All of my life her and my grandmother have done this to me and my brother would join in and NOT get punished. I was a pretty healthy build right up until about middle school. Not too much fat.. mostly muscle. At 9 years old my mom and my brother teased me constantly calling me "Thundara Thighs" and telling me the earth shook when I walked. She'd say my butt looked like two beach balls fighting for the same spot, that I was a fat cow and that I stuffed my face all of the time. Which is not true! If anything I ate too little or too much greasy / sugary foods! I'm guessing my body was storing what it could. My friend calls it "survival mode" where the body thinks it won't see any nutrients for a while so it packs on pounds of fat and uses the muscles for fast nutrients.
Right now I am challenging myself to lose enough weight and build enough muscle mass to do pull ups. LOL When I was in school that was their methods (from elementary to high school) to test and see if you would pass the class and I could never do any pull ups!!! I must have been doing something wrong! But I did find a video on You Tube today about training yourself to build a stronger back and arms and what not and working up to being able to do pull ups. lol Granted the videos was aimed towards men but I don't find anything unrewarding about a good strong set of back muscles and non-flabby arms!!! Just think of how many different exercises you can replace with a few sets of pull ups!!!
I don't have a scale, but I have heard the best time to weigh your self is in the morning (after your morning restroom break) and try to do it once a week. Also keep in mind if your are losing fat but putting on muscle mass you will only see the weight gain and maybe dress sizes dropping. I have people guess my weight all the time. They think I weigh 160 lbs or so. Not true I am 225 lbs and have been since the age of 21. The part that hurts about this is that since I was 8 years old I wanted to go into the military. Now I am too fat and have all this stupid emotional baggage!
But this is the reason I am here! To find people who want support in this just like me! Over the years I have been very bad to myself and caring too much about other people! I need some more focus on me!
Karel, I am sad to hear that your mom talked to you that way, no child deserves to be treated that way.....good for you for breaking away...its hard to do! I havent ever been able to do a pull up either, ever!!! I know I still cant do one now, even though i weigh less than i did in high school. I hated gym on those days when you did the strength endurance tests, i always got teased. UGH...wont ever go back!!!
I would get a scale, its helpful...but warning, package can cause obsession!!! LOL...I got mine in november when i began this journey, its digital and i was goin nuts over the fraction of a pd extra number, so i taped it and covered it and now i just have a whole number...its a little easier on me brain. I also weigh in daily, and on saturdays i take the wt from last sat to this fri add em up then divide into 7 days and that is my average for the week. I also deduct it from the last weeks number to see how much i lost (or gained) between the saturdays...does that make sense? its nice to see that progress, even if the scale wt isnt the same, which often it isnt...its just another way to track myself. Have you gotten into the other challenges we have here? the spring challenge is the big one, but we are doing a six week exercise challenge, eat well and weekend challenge actively...me, mj, cindy, hiker, nancy in ga, and some others...you should check those out, very motivating and good to be a part of the team with them! :)
I have to go move the water, thanks for stopping by and will talk soon! Keep up the hard work and good job on looking thinner than you are...! I know thats sounds wierd, but I pride myself in having been in that same boat too.......it was a nice illusion until i decided to do as you are now, think for me, be for me...just do it for me!!! I believe in your efforts! Keep it Up!
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Karels.le
Member
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Posted: 21 April 2009 09:37 pm |
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Hey thanks for the kind words! I planned on getting a scale by the end of the month.. Until then it's an excuse to visit my friend who has one and I can walk the 8 or 9 blocks to her house and back for more exercise!
She keeps trying to bribe me to come over to take her rowdy dogs for a walk! lol
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 April 2009 10:53 pm |
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Karels.le wrote: Hey thanks for the kind words! I planned on getting a scale by the end of the month.. Until then it's an excuse to visit my friend who has one and I can walk the 8 or 9 blocks to her house and back for more exercise!
She keeps trying to bribe me to come over to take her rowdy dogs for a walk! lol
ruff !! ruff!!! come take us for a walk auntie karel ruff ruff we promise we wont wrap you up in our leashes!!!
go walk those babies as much as you can! its so good for all of you! i miss that with my dogs. these arent really walkers, and they freak out with all the dogs that run around here, and that bark their butts off when we pass...so the walk isnt really any fun. If I had a lab again i would be back out there walking them daily! I really enjoy when d's sister and kids come to visit since one of their "kids" is a black labbie named moses. He loves his walks! Sis has a bad knee and so i get the duty of walking him......ouch...dont twist my arm sis!!! lol.... i really cant fit it into my day...not.....i love taking him out, he is a good boy. He is strong, guarentees some strength working! LOL....
I think that any scale helps, i used to refer to the dentist since i spent a good period of time there in the last year getting work done. I used it as my guide. Now that i have one, i cant stand to be away from it daily....its the way i start the day more or less....and i do my best to not let it get to me..this weekend was VERY DIFFICULT with my huge fluctuations. I shot from 165, 167 to 170 then up again to 172, 173 then today back down to 170. In 5 days. Crazy. Never that extreme. I wish i hadnt known of the ups and downs but my stubbornness gets the best of me. :) :(
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Karels.le
Member
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Posted: 21 April 2009 11:50 pm |
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lol My family used to raise black labs.
These dogs that my friend has are special. One is a Hurricane Katrina survivor, another is an abuse and neglect rescue (greyhound and lab mix - HIGHLY intelligent!)
and the last one is an only puppy from my friend's mom's schnauzer (Likes escape and to chew on everything!)
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 23 April 2009 04:30 am |
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BJ, the new pup sounds adorable! I want to get a dog that can go for long walks and jog with me... right now I have a Shi Tzu who doesn't even like to walk around the block, the little bum! Hope D liked your newest addition!
Isn't the exercise challenge a great motivator? SO happy that I joined, it has definitely made me focus more on variety in my workouts, and I don't want to slack any day because then it means an empty box in the chart... NO!!!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 23 April 2009 04:20 pm |
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Amen to that MJ! I totally agree that I cant let the BOX GO EMPTY! LMAO!
Simon Lucas is working out well, that is what we named him. I just looked at his wild eyes and saw Simon and i didnt get an argument....he is adorable and smart and doing well here...he follows D around (me too but dont tell D that! since he wants a companion) and he went in the suburban yesterday too! he even sat in the front seat with D! D was very happy! :) I am too!
All is well around here, D's hours are up considerably, the senior tech quit this week, which is awesome for D so he gets way more hours...but too, he told the boss dont hire anyone until i cry wolf and ask for help..i assure you i can do all the work here easily.....so we hope that the boss will adhere and listen esp since its totally true! I am thrilled, it means i can actually enjoy shopping for food again. that is a nice thing, since generic isnt always the best way to go!!! LOL....
I had a dream about my 2nd boyfriend in high school, isaac....wierd. It was like we were in today but we had this connection like we did then. We just used to talk, to hug, to listen to music, he taught me to dance to country in my parents rented queen anne house's living room in the dark on a friday nite. I remember laughing my tush off since i was like two left feet and hadnt really danced with a boy before...My parents liked him....but i screwed up. See, my 2st bf, matty was a jerk, he got bored and started to wander away so i dumped him....then isaac and me got closer, although we had always been good friends...we only dated like a month, but he had made me a tape of songs he thought i would like and then i went away for a weekend with a church group that matty was also a part of and we spent the weekend talking and hanging out and ended up getting back together...it was SOO STUPID of me to do that. Esp since within a yr matty cheated again...I lost something with Isaac that could have been pretty cool i imagine. So, today i found him on facebook! Still married and living in sacramento. Saw his friends and some of them i knew from high school and i got very sad because he was always a part of what i wanted to be and yet i never quite fit in. I sent an inquiry to see if its really him, just to say hello. Lookin at his now, he always did remind me of tim mcgraw...what the #%@&! was i thinkin? lol....ultimately i know now that if it were meant to be for us it would have been...i just wonder some times what if? does anyone else do that?
not a good weigh in today, not sure why...i didnt eat alot yesterday, and i worked out....i havent gone #2 yet, which always plays a factor with my wt. Funny how I am waiting to eat until then, so that i can check again to see how it looks. UGH.. i know..obsessive...destructive to my own self.....silly the things i think about....
decided that i wont be letting mj go back to their house for a while, we are back to the "i wants" and not the "can i have or may i's and pleases?" yesterday i went to walmart to get something for the suburban and she was just insane naughty, pulling things off the racks, practically screaming i wants and i almost went nuts.....we went for a walk in the late afternoon and she was demanding and bossing me around about where we would walk and not staying with me, either way behind or way ahead and i just scooped her up and speed walked home, had no patience for it. Then, she called daddy a pig for no reason and she made a mean face at him and ruined his nite, so all in all, i am done once again.....i know that grandparents spoil, but why does it unravel all our work so easily? is it just the age? what makes this happen so drastically that we start all over again in her talking properly and nice with manners? she is doing it today already, she came out here just now and said i want goldfishes and a drink. I said you can ask me nicely, think about a nicer way to say that to me. So, she did and said it nicely, but to have to go thru this all over again is soo not worth her visiting them. Screw it. they can come here to see her or NOTHING!
although one good thing came out of last weeks visit, i got my painting supplies from them...they were at their house still. I am going to go thru them today and see what needs to go, then take inventory of colors and when all is said with the cash we have, maybe i will be able to get some painting supplies! :) I have so many wonderful photos of the sky, the mountains and sunsets and scenery that i cant wait to get painting again. its been too long. i wonder if i still have it?? lol....
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Karels.le
Member
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Posted: 23 April 2009 07:06 pm |
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mj36 wrote: Isn't the exercise challenge a great motivator? SO happy that I joined, it has definitely made me focus more on variety in my workouts, and I don't want to slack any day because then it means an empty box in the chart... NO!!!
So true! Me too! If you guys didn't see the link I posted earlier Here's a great story about a lady.. that besides the having 3 kids part totally reminds me of me!
stewsmith.com/erin.htm
~Lisa
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 23 April 2009 07:16 pm |
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| I will have to check it out....i will relate then as well i am sure...plus i have the one kid! :) i am sorry i have been calling you karel.....duh....well...hello there lisa! good to know your name! ;) im betsey jane :) there its out there now.....all will know who i am!
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 April 2009 12:58 am |
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Hehe, so glad you gave us a name BJ. Do you go by Betsy? My name is Maizy, I just have always gone by MJ on the online boards.
The new doggie sounds just wonderful! As for MJ coming back demanding, etc, I think the best way to handle it is just as you do- with clear reminders, establishing boundaries and expectations. I don't know that I would limit her going to your parents' but maybe just have it be for short times so you can get her back into her routine and with the regular expectations as soon as possible. They probably let her be queen of the hill and boss them around the whole time, and now you just have to unravel that!
LMAO... I am always thrilled when I "go #2" before a weigh-in because it always affects it positively...
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 April 2009 02:16 am |
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| she is gettin picked up tomorrow sometimes and i spent my entire day online on facebook, catching up with my high school best friend, another friend of ours and my 2nd boyfriend guy...he is a pastor! its craziness..he is soo much like d! more tomorrow!
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CrimsonAnimus
Moderator
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Posted: 24 April 2009 04:27 am |
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Betsy! I have an Aunt Bessie, so can I call your Aunt Betsy? 
And Maizy, eh?
Geez, I'm jealous. I need a "y" on my name. Well, Midge, calls me Nicky, so I guess that will have to do. 
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 April 2009 03:33 pm |
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Call me whatever makes you smile my dear nicky! ;) hee hee i never knew sharing my name would open up a name game...but its all good...here we go.... :)
waiting for parents to come, not sure when they will....holding strong at 169...darn it...but i didnt workout yesterday, ate about 1000 and just vegged on the computer chatting with three old high school friends....very bizarre...but pretty neat too....something new for me. Never thought any of the old crew would want to get back into touch...wild to see children with people i never thought would have kids....but its very nice to hear that they miss me. My bff (lol...we used to say that stuff! oh the 90's) and our other good friend have been trying to find me for about a year....and suddenly i have a dream of an old friend the other nite, that leads me to find him which then leads me to the girls...six degrees of separation.....truelly is amazing. :)
This has done two things for me, put my life into perspective as to how i look, where i am in my life, who i am with etc and then, it also leads me to a path of wondering what if....its also funny to learn that i was always known as mattys girlfriend so no guys ever attempted to get to know me...lol...that is such a laugh looking back since he couldnt stay loyal to me and just be my boyfriend..he liked all the girls but said i was the girlfriend...isnt high school wicked bad?? and to think we were innocent then, imagine how it is now with these teenagers??? i shudder to think!
Anyway...today i will do my workout...kinda achey this week, that outside power walk left my joints and knees and hips very sore, so yesterday was very minimal. UP one week and DOWN the next....never changes! At least i am consistent in that routine!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 April 2009 03:45 pm |
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mj36 wrote: Hehe, so glad you gave us a name BJ. Do you go by Betsy? My name is Maizy, I just have always gone by MJ on the online boards.
The new doggie sounds just wonderful! As for MJ coming back demanding, etc, I think the best way to handle it is just as you do- with clear reminders, establishing boundaries and expectations. I don't know that I would limit her going to your parents' but maybe just have it be for short times so you can get her back into her routine and with the regular expectations as soon as possible. They probably let her be queen of the hill and boss them around the whole time, and now you just have to unravel that!
LMAO... I am always thrilled when I "go #2" before a weigh-in because it always affects it positively...
simon is awesome he is such a good dog! his foot is still a trouble, but he is taking care of it on his own. i cant get over his wicked blue eye...its like he is a crazy dog and you dont know whether he will take a bite and then he just licks you like crazy...gosh i love dogs they bring me such joy when i am at my worst. :) I dont know if there is anything that makes me feel peace like a dog, esp when they are being good! :) As for the name...i go by bj, bets, betsey jane mostly.....sexy pants, queen, pirate wife, honey...ummm..but mostly bets or betsey jane...betsey was always in school....and it usually ends up being becky or beth... argh....one of my pet peeves, that is why i started saying betsey jane... it stands out. makes you think and commit it to memory...i love your name, its adorable..daisy maizy i bet you got called when you were young...i was betsey wetsey...yay! being young again...Is Maizy short for anything? i really do like it, i love unusual names...baby mj is madeline jane...there she is out there too.. :)
i dont want to do anything today, but i have too.. i already have clothes washing and mj been up since 645 and its like half the day is gone and its not even 9am. wild....
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Karels.le
Member
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Posted: 25 April 2009 04:34 am |
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*lol* Karels is my last name. My screen name is the beginning of my e-mail addy. Figured I could remember it better!
Name games! There was the one with the song where you repeat everyone's name going around in a circle... omg! I hated it! (Lisa-beesa bo-beesa -fee-fi fo-feesa-- LISA) Yeah I hate it...
And then the one where you relate your first letter to a food item in a grocery store. I was always the "lettuce" (LISA went to the store for LETTUCE!) But that's fine... Healthier than the "cookies"!!! ...right?
This means Betsy went to the store for "beer" and Nick's getting..... Nachos? lol Yay party!
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Karels.le
Member
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Posted: 25 April 2009 04:50 am |
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Oh I was gonna post another picture on here of dogs working out at a gym but I dunno if I should... :/ How do these artists expect to get attention if they keep putting threatening comments about "permission only" on stuff!?
If I were to post on my my pictures on the internet I would allow whoever to show it off and make sure my name and web page were on it someplace like a business card!
At any rate! The guy's website is Offthemark.com
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 25 April 2009 05:19 am |
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BJ, I am turning into a bit of a facebook addict myself hehe. I have lots of friends and coworkers on there, and some old high school people who found me too, plus all the family. We use it to report how the kids are doing in school, job promotions, vacation plans, etc. It has kept us much more connected amongst my cousins and extended family.
Hey, holding @ 169 isn't a terrible thing... remember when you thought you'd never get there??
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CrimsonAnimus
Moderator
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Posted: 25 April 2009 06:59 pm |
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Snacking gives me enough guilt to fuel a great workout? LOL, that's cute. Forget the potato chips, though, just give me a 10 pound bag of potatoes!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 6 May 2009 03:12 pm |
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hey old diary..how are you? been really busy around here working on the house since the weather is better and warmer. We have accomplished great things in the last two weeks. We have built a fence around our inner yard, planted grass seeds in two locations, put in malibu lights, remodeled the old deck we have here...funny that it has been in 3 different places since this house has been alive. We like it at this location the best and its built the best here now where it is as well. We relayed the pavers, have painted just under half the house a rich sky blue that is alive on the desert brown. Its really awesome, but a tad daunting because the house is an unusual shape with lots of angles...so its like we arent getting very far. We will have to buy another 5 gallons of paint, maybe 2 more to be sure. Its not been cheap but we are really happy with the house now, its like we have personalized it much more the last few weeks. I am anxious for grass to grow!!!
As for my journey, I am goin back and forth between 168 and 170...cant seem to break that window and get down below. I have been eating alot this last two weeks as well....cant seem to control what i put into my mouth. Yesterday I had two bowls of spaghetti with a meat sauce i made that noone else here will eat but me....(maybe that is a sign i dont need it in the house then???) and i also finished off a box of honeycombs...searching for something to fill me up, crunchy then carby starchy....barely had any 1% milk with my cereal either...eating fast, as if i havent eaten in weeks. Then i go outside and push myself to quicklike burn off the food i just consumed...but today it didnt pay off, i am back up to 170 from 168 yesterday. Got a spotty day yesterday too, maybe a period, but not sure...that should account for my actions....at least i can say that i dont feel mental as much. I dont do this depression downslide daily anymore...but i noted i was off from saturday to today still with moodiness and headache and insatiable hunger ixed with a little bit of self pity and tears.
D keeps telling me to ride it here at 170 for a while, see how i feel...but i cant seem to allow myself to flucuate and be happy here. I went shopping two weekends ago, got a size 10 and then mostly 12's...but i have to be sure i can stay in them.....with the eating like i am, i surely wont stay in them....i have to keep that in my head always...i cant get lazy and slip up, and if i eat too much i have to work it off somehow....
MJ has been with mom and dad since friday, the last two weekends before then she was with them as well. Hence the return is tough but D just sais i have to let it go and know that they will always be her grandparents and that is where she can relax and have fun and get spoiled...just like anyone elses kids. Its wednesday and they still have her. Dad almost fell off the ladder helping me paint last week, he is sore from the detail brushing, and the stucco is really bumpy so i feel his pain...so his notes to me say they are just having fun, washing dogs, playing etc....honestly i need the break. Somedays I get so frustrated with her, it scares me because i know that she is my only chance to do right, and though i keep hearing how right she is, how smart she is, i cant seem to let myself take the credit. In my low point last nite, I started whining about how I feel like i have no purpose, nothing to say is my doing or my hobby or whatever..my dent in this world...what have i done to be a great person? D started talking to me about how much i do here, how i make this house a home, how good mj is, how awesome i am doing on the weight loss etc.....and then i came back with but we probably know that my downshift here today and being hard on myself is due to a period and then its mothers day on sunday and i dont do holidays well...and he came back with, and after that is said and done, you still wont be happy. And he called me Betsey...which he really rarely does.
He is right! I went to sleep feeling so bad, because its true. why do i feel so unrested inside? is it because i am estranged from my family? my brothers, my grama? i know they will all get together on mothers day, and i know it would be stressful to do that but at the same time, i miss them and i know i cant choose between him and being here or being out there somewhere stressing with them? i cant do both and of course i must choose to stay here....but what about mj? i know in my heart she would rather be with them and playing and running around the city doing whatever and that makes me sad because i know we arent the same. we dont do what my parents do, they will drive 70 miles for a good burger, that is who they are, its what i did living with them...we did alot together...d wont do that. I am whining again. I just dont know why it cant be both? why we cant all be together and it be nice? did i know that when i met him, i would have to choose? is this how it is in all families? I feel like there is this big burden that wont go away on my shoulders and i feel it is my family. Why cant i let it go, pretend i live 1000 miles away, how can i get my gramma to forgive and be kind and not say the things she sais about us, him...me..or my brother who asked me if i was using meth?.......i hold alot in. I know that. I internalize everything. I either need to stand up and say look D you gotta accept them and lets be with them, or i gotta tell them no thanks and let us be. But then, where does mj go?
UGH, every freaking holiday i go thru this motion in my brain, it pains me, makes me upset......leaves me unhappy on that special day and its simply no fun. Why cant i just let it go? why why why????
And so, how do i get mj back, without it being very difficult? i know she is enjoying herself, i know they would like to have her on mothers day....and how do i feel about that? its not like we have any plans here, i know d wont want to go out, if anything we will get some paint and make a trip to home depot, but i dont count on dinner out or any gifts etc. I maybe would like a bird feeder and a plant to put next to the deck to fill some space...I know He would like mj to be with me, but i said why, so she can sit in her room playing and watching her shows? she will have more fun with them! and so he then said he just wont say anything at all about it, its my choice......ahhh why is it so dififcult for me to talk to him sometimes?
I for once would like anyone but me to worry about the stupid holidays. All of my life i get down around holidays, all my life, my parents have swayed my choices my actions my doings and i hear them in my head with the it may be the last year its your family, they love you and miss you and cant recall what you look like??? maybe i am just too old to change my ways, cant teach an old dog new tricks. Just take the days out of my calendar and then call me depressed and cynical and always looking at the bad because i simply feel dread instead of peace and calm. Here i am alone at the house, and what am i doing? eating, and whining....feeling sorry for my situation like i can change it and make them all nice to us or happy with the choices i have made...etc....but none of it matters, i am just talkin to talk...
I know, I am being a B.i.tc.h today arent i?
Now, i know why i havent journaled, i sound so negative and down. I just dont enjoy holidays. I just didnt ever think that i would be so disconnected from my famliy in order to be married. I just never thought my gramma would have issues about my getting a life, and I just never thought i would be this alone even though i am married now. I see my old friends on the facebook, and none of them speak of family (parents brothers etc) so why why why is my life this screwed up with mine? Why cant getting together over the holiday just be simple and easy?
And why does this #%@&! continue to rott my brain, havent i been in this place now in my head since christmas? havent i grown at all?????
dam...i gotta stop before i start to cry and get really down and go eat. Enough is enough...
The scary part is...is D right? will i ever be happy?
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 7 May 2009 12:07 am |
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Bj, sorry to hear you are in a funk. Some people are just pessimistic, and tend to overly focus on the harder things... if you want to "cure" yourself of that you will have to work hard to change your focus and essentially force yourself to point out the positives in every situation.
As for whether MJ should spend mother's day with you, that should be your decision. It is a day to celebrate your role as mother and if you want her nearby for that, she should be home! If you make decisions based on what feels right to you, not based on what others want, you can be satisfied that you made the best choice possible! Be happy and enjoy the life that you are building for yourself and your family~
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 8 May 2009 09:58 pm |
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well i lost it today with dad, he came down second day in a row for painting. he asked to have mj for the nite and tomorrow. we got on tangent over gramma then before i know it i am letting it all out, my grief with d for not letting it go and moving on and allowing her to come here.....even if just to see how it goes or confront or whatever..but i feel stuck in the middle of him and them. its a terrible place to be. i said that i of course support his decision i am his wife and noone does anything to be with me, so why do i put myself thru this every holiday or every visit with you guys? he said then that i said exactly what my gramma thinks that i am trapped here, that i am stuck and cant do antyhing without d's ok....well, what wife really wouldnt take her hubbys feelings into account? why would i subject him or go around him if i can avoid doing so? i am not vindictive and i do not want trouble with us....esp over my family. I want us all to get along, and stop the naysaying backtalk #%@&! but it just cant get past this without me goin to see her alone and having to stand up to her about things that i shouldnt know i know? i cant do it. but i cant seem to let it lie either and dad brings her up constantly. i really laid it out there today though, i was so mad i couldnt even cry. usually i just lose it and cry, and today its like they wouldnt come, i am so sick of this happenieng.....its like be done already. but its not. he tells me, i tell d, we argue and go to bed disgruntled then it passes until dad speaks up again.
ok, i cant go on, its stupid and we all know the story. so, i asked d if dad can take mj, he said NO shes been with them enough this week and i dont think they will bring her back like they say they will. But if you are ok with it, i will support you. So, balls on the table, i told dad just that. He was stunned to say the least. He said, D doesnt believe me? He thinks I am lying ? with this shocked look....and i said yeah and i feel the same way! it happens to often you say one thing and do another and he has the balls to tell you that! So, it was done and then he asked to call D personally, so i connected them and he promised D he would have her back saturday evening or saturday sometime. HMMmm.....then after, dad sais to me.....i jsut dont know what to say to him, i dont want him to be mad at me, i am scared of him....and he laughed. I said thats the problem, you are all scared of him because he sais whats on his mind, he is frank and honest and forthcoming about his feelings and wishes and open to answer ANY question given to him about his past etc....but noone will give him the benefit of the doubt and speak up to HIS FACE. Something taht our family isnt capable of doing....we talk about each other but really rarely too each other...
See how easy it can be if they just talk directly to each other without bringing me into it!? Why cant it always be that way? things go much better when they talk directly to each other.
anyway, so mj is with them with promise of return saturday sometime. i think d thinks i am sad when she goes....its true but the timing of my period, getting something in my eye in the wind storm that ruined my nite, stupid things that happen to me that effect my moods when we get time alone....i try to be up up but somedays its just a challenge! I tell myself to make the best of our time alone, but some days it is just nice to BE. Just to be, quiet hanging out together...is that a bad thing? do i have to be cuddly to do that? Esp when its warmer ugh.....i get warm so fast, sometimes its just not comfortable to sit that close.....just give me some space...just a little...i am still here, just not attached at the hip.
Listen to me bit.c.hing about closeness......i am getting old.
Havent eaten alot today, havent done alot today except clean up the garage, organize, weeded front yard, watered the side and back yards...its like 93 outside today and windy.. so though its nice its ickey with the dirt blowing.....ugh...but the house looks awesome...its as blue as our new mexico skies... i love it. :) from the front the house looks done, its funny you drive down the back st and see the brown house, you drive down the front st and you see a blue house! its fun. and it may be this way for a few weeks, the paint is expensive and propane must come first..... :)
Happy Moms Day!!!!
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