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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 January 2009 02:48 pm |
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Last nite was a relatively good meal, we ate at 6pm. By 8pm, I was putting madeline to bed, and after i had a south beach pudding and that was good. A bit later, at 9 D decided to listen to the message that my dad left and he ended up expressing himself afterwards and that simply got me wound. His message was whiny, panicky, urgent and acted as if the world was ending...over what? over a stupid forward game email....you guys know, the ones where you learn more about each other, wierd questions that make you think or laugh or what have you......D and I got one, and I answered mine and forwarded it all off.....also to my dad. MISTAKE. It put him into stupid mode again, he didnt get it at all, he was all worried about my 4 KIDS (mj and 3 pupps) and the things i said...he just got himself all wound up and worried and let them POUR onto our machine and INTO OUR HOME. Dam, i will learn that while alot of 60 somethings are capable of email interraction, computer usage etc....that is just not my parents. They would rather hand write a letter and b.i.t.ch on the phone then sit and jot something into a computer saving stamps etc. I know a generational thing, but not really. I have worked with older folks that are very capable on a computer, they dont panic. I dont know what has happened to my dad. I must refrain from goin off on him for his lack of ability to THINK and READ anything. I mean the email had an intro paragraph explaining its purpose and then at the end another paragraph saying what to do next. It was not complicated and yet, he made this big old issue as if i have 4 kids! Hello! Where Have you been? Think dad just think. I just dont know what is happening to him, its not altzheimers. I know its not. It is too long working with my abusive brother as his peon and runner boy when he was way smarter than that and capable of much more. Then the home life with mom always telling him he isnt enough...or hasnt tried hard enough, etc. I dont need to write another book on the problems of my parents...but i do feel that is has brought my dad to this level of incapability and that is sad.
I will of course send a note kindly explaining its just a fun thing to do to share thoughts with others in your life and not to give it any thought at all if he got confused. I will be nice, but dam, D was like, I dont have time for this sort of ineptness. I dont have time to tell a grown man how to read, or pay attention to something so simple. I was surprised he got so upset, but he is tired of them doing this to me, had i answered the phone, it would have set me back a few weeks due to my frustrations in TRYIN to communicate with my father. It simply is not something that is easy or enjoyable. If he had altzheimers, i would understand but that is not the case. Its not oldtimers, its just easier for him not to think i guess. He has given up being logical and thinking on something, now its just hearing one sentence and going off the handle for weeks.  This is all a reason of my inability to stay on my track. I just aint strong enough yet. In time I will be, but either they gotta go, or we gotta get them here and have it one on one to the face since the phone and the computer APPARANTLY ARENT WORKING! 
i am so tired of failure. this morning we attempted some morning recreations and my body simply wasnt interested....and not having a huge amount of time, that ended fast and i wanted to cry. we havent even been married a year, this is not suposed to happen. i am embarrased, is it due to the medications? is it me and my head? what the #%@&!? in the begining it was all we could do to keep our hands off each other, always kissing, always affectionate, the embarrassing kind of love i never thought to find..and now, here we are barely intimate, sitting on opposite sides of the couch at nite...i stretch out and try to relax and he has his place too....my whole libido per se is lesser now...maybe its just exhaustion, but honeslty i dont think about sex all the time, i am emotional, but i am not a sex fiend. I love affection, but when i am in a mood, go away. i dont want to deny him, but what am i gonna do? this a.m, it was like, ok time is essence, i just stopped having that breakthru period yesterday, but you have been waiting patiently, so lets try and then i am dry to the bone. Sorry, that is rough i know....i shouldnt talk that way, but i am a woman and we are adults, and i am sad and concerned that something is wrong in my head yet again. I know it happens, but usually not to me. I am getting older my body is changing and maybe I am not so aware of it. I had alot of useless relationships with men who i thought cared for me, but in the end it was just physical, so sex and emotions to me, come and go like the wind and i have trust issues still. I know I am married, but his drive sometimes leaves me feeling less than and i cant tell you why. I love him I love sleeping with him, having recreations, but sex to me, isnt that big of a deal at least not 4 times a week. Not that that is an expectation, but #%@&! i dont even meet in the middle anymore. I like to sleep how i sleep, the cuddles at nite arent the same, esp since i now wear that big boot to sleep in for my foot...that alone kills a mood cuz its big and sticks to the sheets etc. I am so self conscious its ridiculous. I worry about all the things that i shouldnt worry about, and alot of it is that i dont give it enough to satisfy. I just feel whipped at teh end of the day, and want to cuddle up and go to sleep. Bad, i guess, but as i said, my drive has never been that i am a sex kitten, the opposite is more the case. I just get scared that when times are tough, talk is little, stress is high, and relations in the bedroom become all that is left and then there is nothing but resentment for the rest of the time. Like I said, bad history for me. Men who i gave my heart to and got hurt by. Sex was all they wanted, so now sex is mostly what i dont want to give. I want more to me than that, even with my husband. Is that wierd?
I need to stop talking about this before i get a huge complex. It isnt entirely appropriate, and i should erase but i am grateful if i get any feedback from other married wives who adore husbands but just dont always want sex. Maybe i am alone here, it would not surprise me entirely......
Anyhoo, so today is wednesday. Mid week, I am in the humdrums over the phone call and my parents once again. We are broke, though D may stand to make some cash on the side with a neighbor who came by last nite to ask him to take a look at his refrigerator that is on the blink in the water dispenser thingy. If he can fix it that would great! he is very talented, he is a gem, i know it. I am very lucky to have found him. Its the January blahs setting in i think. In between anything special like a holiday and I am feeling unmotivated to do much of anything but sit and be a bump on the couch. If I had money, I could take M to the zoo or the aquarium, as its nice these days and we could be enjoying her youth and her amazement at the world. This will pass. It has to pass, we will have money again. Speaking of, D lowered the price on the blazer on craigs list to 3800 from 4500. He really wants the money.
Why do i feel like its my fault? why do i feel like all the things that have gone wrong this last year are my fault? dam it. I am blaming myself for all of this so easily. I am so angry with myself in so many ways. Disappointed as well. Oh just one day I want to wake up and feel great! Like I dont have a care in the world! HA! That will be the day I die I am sure! When all the strains and stress of the silly life I lead will be gone and maybe placed on someone elses shoulders! HA AGAIN! I dont think anyone I am worrying about it spending one second wondering about me.
I have got to stop, I am on a downward spin going fast and I am already crying. Its not like I can lay in bed all day and mope, I have to get up and take care of my child. I have to show her the world is a good place, people get along, life is happy alot of the time, i am not always a basket case...but dam if i dont feel like one? maybe i am bi polar or depressed? maybe I need something strong like zoloft to swing me out of this hole i am in. Maybe I have been in it for years, since I moved back into my parents home, left a good job to be here with them, met a loser who didnt love me, couldnt find a decent well paying job for all my catering skills, kept bouncing jobs cuz i couldnt stand working for dumb people who shouldnt be in charge of a hotel, making friends who just leave me, being a caregiver to gramparents who gave nothing back to me, barely even thanks most of the time.....i can go on, but maybe i just need a shrink. someone to crack my nut and make the gooey #%@&! all go away......
I dont know what today will bring. I need to go write a note to my dad to explain that i really dont have 4 kids!
Last edited on 21 January 2009 03:28 pm by BJD74
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 January 2009 03:09 pm |
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Remember, it's not your job to validate your dad- if he lets your brother and mother walk all over him, that is his choice. YOUR choice is whether you let him walk all over you. I say, if he leaves you a message, delete it as soon as you here that tone of voice. No point listening to his negativity, especially more than once.
As for your own eating and how you are feeling, don't let someone else take control of that and steer you. You can do this, you can take care of yourself, and you totally deserve to feel good about what you have accomplished and what is left to come! Try to have a peaceful day and focus on all the positives you can find.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 21 January 2009 04:11 pm |
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thank you very much mj, i needed to hear some kind words. it is funny how i can share so much with this private world, and i feel closer to you all than i do to my own family...that is crazy, but i am taking it for all i can. i talk of being a pirate but i dont know...i cant seem to take what i want and give nothing back!!!! ha ha lol...
ok, you said focus on the positives. I will do that today and report back later. I will start with a weigh in at 184. On the way back down.
That IS a bonus considering......... 
thank you!!! and you have a great day too!!!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 22 January 2009 06:15 pm |
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yesterday ended just fine, we had a lot of calls for the blazer, hope that one will come thru. we had an offer to trade a 90 harley (no thank you) and then a 72 jeep, which of course would be great, if it had locks and a radio and felt like a jeep not a toy so we have that in the back of our minds should it be harder to move after lowering the price. I am not opposed to the jeep, but its very old, and its a rough rider, meant to fourwheel etc...that would just be another toy for D and well, if we get a jeep, its gonna be mine and usable and pretty, with real seats for M and me to sit in. So, we wait. We had a promising call that wanted to come up today with cash.....we got our hopes up but of course havent heard a word today. He would be coming from Roswell, which is 3 hours southeast of us....so we will hope for the day. I would love that money to get us up to speed and caught up, and we could breathe a little. God is watching, that is all i can say.
Recreations last nite, lovely. Like old times...ha ha i say that like we are old and married for years! We just get so caught up in the run run run lifestyle its hard to unwind. So much on our minds, it was good for us to enjoy each other for a while, and it helps for sleep too!!! lol...  
came in today at 183, coming back down and hope to keep on going! the pills may be working, my exercise may be working...who knows? its so hard to tell what causes the weight to come off. I am just happy to be doing something right to see it happen! I am making mental grocery lists, but havent written down since we cant go shopping, I messed up the acctg in the checkbook, accidentally entered a wrong number...added a regular deduction instead of taking it away...and well, we are at 60 till next friday...when we are loaded with bills to pay and he is worried his check wont be more than 85 hours...his typical check can be 112! So its gonna hurt badly. I told him i dont care as long as we can pay the bike, the money for my first dep to the settlement and gas and food. The rest can wait till we get money. What a wierd feeling to say that and not be upset deep down inside. Its relief to know i am not burdened with those credit bills.
D is calling, maybe he got a call! oh please please! :)
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 22 January 2009 06:20 pm |
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YES YES YES the guy is coming now! He will be here into town in 3 or 4 hours, going to the BANK and getting CASH!!!! Oh i love my blazer , but God will take care of her!!! I am soo excited to think we will have money!!! YA YA YA HAPPY DANCE!!  I have to take the title up, its in files that are in M's closet, and this morning he left early so we didnt wake her...besides a ride will be nice. I am also going to lowes to return a part for his drill....they sold him the wrong battery for his drill....talk about good customer service! not!
yay yay yay!!! its a GREAT DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 22 January 2009 10:28 pm |
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I walked away, got busy and left the computer up with my page open, but never finished my thoughts! LMAO! I am so distracted! Sell Sell Sell!!!
I just made homemade chocolate covered mini pretzel sticks. The pretzels are itsy bitsy and 61 is only 110 calories. The chocolate is 50 calories per tablespoon...which for these little guys is like the equal to about 24 pretzels since i just dipped the one side of the stick into the chocolate. They are sporatically splattered with chocolate, not buried in it. I only like a bit of flavor, so I bagged them up in bags of about 30 each, and i dipped an apple in the remaining bit. I figured that would be about 100 calories per bag.  I must have eaten about 50 making them!!! ha ha ha LOL munch munch munch. Yummy! I love the apple dips, i enjoy caramel too, but it sticks to me teeth! Not worth it!
I feel so good today! I havent worked out but we just got back and I have been keeping M happy. She isnt napping today, since we got home at 2 and may leave at 4 to get dad if that guy takes the truck. I admit driving in there and seeing her in all her splendor, she looked proud and ready to go to a new home. She served D well. We have some nice memories, and we look forward to making NEW memories...now all the pieces that remained of HIS Past will be gone.
I cant wait. A new leaf A new year A new Me! Ok i went on and on, forgive me!
Ok, gotta make this time count in case i am leaving to get D at work!!! Maybe a one mile burner????
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 22 January 2009 10:37 pm |
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YEEE HAAWWWWWW  we sold the blazer!!!!!
AMEN!!!! 
Halleluiah!
Praise the Lord!
Thank you my Lord for coming thru for us!
I am goin to get daddy at work tonite! Yay yay yay!!!!
Finally! We can get caught up!!! Simplify the life we wish to live!!!
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 22 January 2009 10:52 pm |
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| See, it's all coming together. You guys are taking care of yourselves and your family, and you can breathe easier right now since you can pay the bills and get everything back on track. I'm so pleased for you!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 23 January 2009 05:11 pm |
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thanks mj! i feel better, but i do wish i could sit down and send it all out today so i can rest over the weekend knowing we paid it all and now this is what is left....$$$ whatever amount that it may be!! But alas, monday we will go open the new checking accts and start anew. WHat is a few days right?
I am in some sort of mood today, not sure what it is. M and D had an out last nite before bed, and maybe that is on my mind. I still have to adjust to someone else getting upset or repremanding her, as i am the only one who has till we met, and surely my parents never did that, she was too young then and now..when they are with her, they havent done it either...at least not to my knowledge.
So D listened to Moms message, told me to listen, it was nice and mellow and something about a friend of family getting sick..i still wont listen. I dont need it today, can i just have one day to my head for me? The last two days has been new calls for his ex wife here, apparentely she put this address somewhere so now we are getting calls for her troubles...which is just lovely. I have had over 4 calls in the last two days, he tells me to answer and tell them she was never here and give them her new address? lord, now i am the ex wifes secretary? F*** me! How did it get to this????
Maybe that bothers me some. SHe is still here somehow. The blazer was hers and i thought when that was gone that was it for her, but apparently i was wrong since now the calls are flooding my phone more than calls for anyone who actually lives here. Will i ever win?
I made this transition to this life so quickly, not really knowing but knowing all of it before i came in. I never thought it would be this way, taking her calls and telling her creditors i am not her and she is not here or never was here......is this what i signed up for? I know so much of that past from what he shared, and her girls never respected him, and I worry sometimes that what ifs over him and M and their relationship.....when she is being honory he just gets so upset and walks away from her and i dont know how to handle it. Its like not going to be angry. You never do it. Never. But last nite, he let M go to bed crying, and said he wouldnt tolerate her not respecting him, that he gives her all the things she has and he can take it all away again just as easy as he gives it.
That made me feel horrible, its that easy to toss it away? How do I know its not that easy? As if i dont worry enough that i will make him want to leave by something stupid i do, but to think that M can do something too? that kills me, it would be so easy. He has said at times how before he reached out to me to share his feelings about a relationship that he would have been just fine here alone, and he had intended it to be that way, for it not for my feeling the way he did about giving this a shot at happiness?
Somedays I wonder if he wishes he had just let it lie? Will that feeling ever go away? Will i ever feel safe and secure knowing that he wants to be in this world with me and M? I am waaay overthinking this and i need to shut up before i start feeling bad. I have to get up and go produce something today. Move forward another day.
As for asking mom and dad down, #%@&! no. I am not strong enough, esp now. And besides if they come down, wanna bet he would disappear to his office to smoke his cigarrettes and leave us to be alone? He doesnt care to sit around talking or attempting to talk with them...which certainly makes it no easier to be with them....you can cut the tension in the room with a knife.inside i feel like when they are there they do nothing but walk around what he asks for...in regards to being in His home and minding his wishes....He sais he wouldnt mind them coming down, but why do i think that would change as soon as they walked in the door? So, I said maybe for the superbowl, that is something to share, the steelers are in the superbowl that would be ok with me, game on not alot of talk time, enjoy commercials, have a good time for once?.....he went on to share with me that joe and angela MAY be coming down, and Larry MAY be coming over Saturday nite and stay sunday for the game. So, in exchange for not having mom and dad down, i get to instead play the innkeeper, make up the beds, have lots of food for them to eat and stay busy the entire time. Why is it one or the other? why cant it be like i always dreamed it would be, me, my friends, my famly and my hubby and kid all happy and sharing good times? i guess cuz i tend to live in the movies..i want a happy ending all the time.
Have a good day! I need to go out and clear my head, drink a beer maybe, but i need to chill. I am getting all wound up and negative again. Maybe mj I really am depressed????? truelly, and maybe the weight loss isnt gonna help me get out of that. Maybe its really bigger than me????
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 23 January 2009 11:21 pm |
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I am waaay overthinking this and i need to shut up before i start feeling bad.
OK, you said it... so let it go. I hope you manage to get past the stress today. I think it must be really hard to allow someone else into your life and to allow them to discipline your child. I have always been a single parent (long story) and could not imagine giving up any of that control. But, if you want to be a family and have him be M's dad, then that means he has to participate fully- and if you don't agree with how he disciplines her, then talk about it just like you will if and when you share another child. It sounds like growing pains in your relationship as you learn to parent together.
As for being depressed, from what I have read it does sound like you get anxious more than depressed. Are you feeling really down and dissatisfied about your life all the time, having a hard time enjoying even the good things? If so, then you should definitely talk to your doc to see if everything is OK in that area. Hopefully it is just the situation, and you will start to feel better as each thing works itself out.
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papagena
New Member
| Joined: | 19 January 2009 |
| Location: | Finland |
| Posts: | 4 |
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Posted: 23 January 2009 11:36 pm |
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Edited to remove.
Last edited on 25 January 2009 10:21 am by papagena
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 27 January 2009 05:13 pm |
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papagena wrote: Edited to remove.
??????????
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 27 January 2009 05:19 pm |
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its been a few days since i reported my progress and experiences. we had a great weekend and got alot of things accomplished. i am feeling really great right now, losing weight and meeting my goals. we are planning our summer and our landscaping ideas since the weather has been so nice.
i have a lot to do today, so I am going to jam for now and if i get a chance to come back i will!
have a great day everyone!!!!
i have reached my goal loss for the new year new you challenge and I am tickled PINK to have achieved the goal I set for myself. I usually dont set goals, so this may start something new for me!!!!
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 27 January 2009 10:17 pm |
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| Bravo on meeting your goal! Nice weather, huh? It has been around -2 degrees here, got all the way up to the 20's I think today, and we have 8-12" forecast for tonight into tomorrow... so no landscaping discussions here yet! Glad to hear you are in a positive frame of mind and things are going well!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 29 January 2009 03:03 pm |
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hello! its been like forever since i sat and wrote in my diary! :)
i did my measurements again yesterday and i am down another 3 inches since my last record. That would take me to 10-11" lost since August, and 10 pounds loss since December 31, that day I last took record of measurements. WOW.
I am amazed that I have accomplished this goal, and I still want to move forward more. After weigh in yesterday was the same for the 2nd day, I realized I cant slack at all. I have to be diligent daily in my effort to watch what goes into my mouth. I am accepting that I will forever be an emotional eater, but i have to be able to step away and say ok, lets just breathe and wait a minute, see how you feel before diving into the bread and peanut butter.
I have made some progress there since yesterday i was upset about something silly that D said and i made myself sit down, watch some tv, eat a balanced meal and breathe. It worked, I stayed out of the kitchen! I had a breakfast, then a lunch and then a small dinner. My only fall was after i fell asleep for about 20 min while MJ was napping. I woke up with a start, felt out of sorts and went right to the kitchen. It was like 4pm! I had a slice of bread with peanut butter! I ate in while walking around tidying up the house.....turned out not to hurt my numbers for the day, since my dinner fell to the floor in route to the counter and got consumed RATHER FAST by the dogs! I think I ended up just under 1400 by my estimations.
I have decided I love filet mignon. I know it is expensive but it is the leanest meat and it is delicious and i would like to budget to have it in my repetoir of meats and proteins and i dont think D will object. I dont know how to cook it best though? We have a new stove, with a broiler, I just got a George Foreman grille for opening a new bank acct, and then we have the outside grill...which its too cold to do right now....does anyone have a suggestion? I had it the other nite, ordered MEDIUM and I would love any advice, and i wont cook it with bacon, but it has to be juicy! I am going to talk to D about it, dont let me forget!
I am also thinking about changing the house phone, my cell phone and blocking my dads email address. I need to cut this tie, he called me yesterday, left me TWO messages whining about my gramma and how he had tried to help her change her phone number at home and she refused his help and ended up having the police come out and do it for her??? tell me why or how, i cant say but he went on and on and then threw in the why arent you answering the machine? why is your message laughing? what is the laughing about? umm..what else? oh, can i talk to MJ on the phone? where are you??? and then he went on saying he wanted to give me my grammas new number and couldnt even get it said without hesitation, so i am not even sure if it IS right?
I have had enough, it bothered me since I wanted to advise HIM not to Try to fix my gramma, esp IF SHE SAID NO THANK YOU!? who cares if she had the cops come out, the rio rancho police have nothing to do, I am sure they loved going out to help a little helpless deaf old lady who is alone. That is the service they provide, LET IT LIE DAD. He is all feeling bad that she didnt want his help....OMG its ridiculous. So, me being the fool and stubborn daughter i am, wrote a note after the 1st message, asking him to please stop calling my house to whine about my gramma, that i dont need to hear it, nor do i care and if she wanted to give her new number to me, she had my number to call me herself when she had a moment or thought of it. IT IS NOT HIS RESPONSIBILITY OR DUTY TO HER TO DO IT FOR HER!?!? and so, I went on to say that obviously they are still exactly where they were 2 months ago, nothing has changed, you are still catering greatly to my gramma and therefor i will not allow you to see MJ away from this house. I sent it, and of course, the 2nd call came in....I tell you, he did it all over again, even though i said dont call and spill it into my life, cuz i dont care? well, he went on and on over grammas dramas and how upset he was that she didnt need his help......so i just stopped listening to the message and deleted it. After that I decided to change things permanantly by changing the phone numbers to my cell, my house and blocking email access. I JUST CANT DO IT NOW. I NEED TO BE FREE OF THIS OR I WILL NEVER BE CONTENT TO JUST BE IN MY QUIET LITTLE WORLD each day with only MY FAMILY here to be worried about. I know its harsh, but this is falling into harassment for me, it upset me yesterday and winds me up since i am unable to make him listen or stop doing the foolish things he does in regards to his daily choices. I mean, if she said no thank you, its a no thank you , not a push push push till she gets upset and you get upset....
Argh....so that is about all that is going on now. Just more change. We did the taxes and we are expecting a lovely refund. I would like to put it all into our summer vacation savings, but i know we have important things to attend to first. The suburban died yesterday on the way to work, he thinks its the fuel pump, which is inside the gas tank and carrying a full tank, which is about 300pds of wt....so he is planning to work on that this weekend...i made him promise to watch SUPERBOWL with me though....so all is not lost to mechanic work this weekend.
Ok, well, i am gonna go now, gotta weigh in and get baby up. I tried to water the back yard this am, and the HOSE WAS FROZE!!! so that wont be happening for a while...man, i hope the winds die down today!!! it has been icky windy and we got snow at Ds work two days ago! ahhh old man winter...its a kick!
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 29 January 2009 10:47 pm |
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It's too bad your dad cannot accept what you are asking for. Is this a recent change in behavior or how he always is. Sounds like Grandma might have been frustrated with him too? I completely understand why you might want to restrict is access by changing numbers and blocking his e-mail. Probably it depends on the cost, I would say... if it can be done quickly and easily, then go for it... but it's really sad that you have to go through that hassle and then change it over at the doc's, etc. It sounds like the only way you will get any peace.
Congrats on your weight loss, it really is quite a success! I have lost maybe 5 lbs in the same period, if that helps you put it in perspective!! Plus the inches lost is an even bigger success because that is probably muscles developing and tightening things up. Very cool~
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 29 January 2009 11:14 pm |
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thanks mj! i admit today has been a little harder to be good. with the wt at the same for 3 days, i feel like i kinda gave up today. i did do 15 min straight jogging, using the waist band from leslie though! that is 4 minutes more than yesterday, i know that its not 45, but when you are jogging straight with this much wt you feel it just the same as a 3 mile walk! i just took a bath, not sure what is going on with me but i am just kinda BLAH? we have changed the house ph number, it will take effect feb 4-5. I blocked the email too. It is sad, I am sad about it. Yeah, dad has always been a bit of a blockhead and stubburn like charlie brown....but it got much worse in 01 when he came back here to work with my oldest brother T, who is a custom home designer. After that is was all down hill, even though the money was great, the mental and verbal abuse killed the dad i had inside. His spirit. For years I have battled him and his wits re my brother, but there is no changing him now. All that time being a co dependant to an alcoholic who lost his wife a year after we moved back to the alcoholism..she divorced him due to the same abuse my dad was taking, so dad essentially took her place in the house and became his dummy to beat up.
There is nothing that will change until dad decides to make the change himself. I cant tell him anymore and as hard as this is, since he simply wont understand....well it is what i have to do to protect myself from hurting due to trying to reason with him and my gramma and my mom. Its all dysfunctional. ALL OF IT.
I dont know what to make for dinner. I dont feel like making anything, sometimes i get so tired of making the effort each day. Some days i wish i didnt have to cook, that we could go out, but its just not that way. Its no good anyway! I will come up with something, just not gonna think about it for a while.
and hey, you know I would not have made it this far without the support of you! :) thank you for pushing me!
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 1 February 2009 04:06 pm |
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No giving up! I have had a terrible week with eating, so I know I have to focus more and work harder. Just like I know if I give up, I will only end up gaining more weight and being even more unhealthy, and then of course unhappy~
I know it was a hard move to make but disconnecting from your family, at least at this point, sounds like the only sensible thing to do. Hopefully they will be in a better place in their own lives to be involved in your life in the future!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 3 February 2009 08:10 pm |
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THANKS MJ! I NEED THAT SUPPORT! I HOPE YOU FINISHED OUT THE WEEKEND WELL! AS FOR US, WE HAVE 2 HORSES NOW. YEP YOU READ THAT RIGHT. 2 HORSES. OUR NEIGHBOR HAS BEEN TALKING IT UP TO US FOR MONTHS AND MONEY JUST WOULDNT ALLOW...SOMEHOW LAST WEEK HE SAID WE COULD HAVE THE GREY FEMALE...AND WE HIMMED AND HAWED OVER THAT AND I SAID I DIDNT WANT TO BREAK UP THE SET, AND IF HE WOULD GIVE US BROWNIE (I CALL HIM THAT FONDLY) FOR 200 BUCKS, THEN LETS DO IT!
WELL, HE ACTUALLY ENDED UP JUST GIVING THEM TO US FOR FREE. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? TWO LOVELY PETITE UNLOVED HORSES FOR FREE. WE ARE ELATED AND EXCITED FOR SOMETHING NEW TO THINK ABOUT! I AM STILL ADJUSTING TO LOOKING WEST AND SEEING TWO HORSIES IN THE FIELD, BUT WE HAVE 2.75 AC. ITS NOT LIKE WE HAVE NO SPACE??!?! SO THE FIRST THING THEY DID WAS RUN IN BIG WIDE CIRCLES AROUND THE FIELD WE GAVE THEM AND THEY ARE NOW SITTING AND RESTING IN THE SUN. I THINK ITS THE BEGINNING OF BEAUTIFUL THINGS FOR US. M IS THRILLED, SHE IS SOO INTO HORSIES THIS LAST YEAR..WE WERE TALKING ABOUT A ROCKING HORSE TO PLAY WITH....BUT NOT A REAL LIVE HORSE, ESP THIS SOON, SHE IS SO YOUNG YET...BUT IN TIME SHE WILL GAIN THE RESP. TO HANDLE AND CARE FOR THEM, AS I WILL NEED THE HELP I AM SURE! ALREADY THERE IS "POOP" ALL OVER...LOL......BUT TO RESCUE THEM WAS WORTH IT AND FOR FREE NO LESS. SO, THAT AND THE STEELERS WINNIN THE SUPERBOWL MADE my WEEKEND GREAT! now d, HE HAD A TOUGH WEEKEND. THE SUBURBAN IS STUMPING HIS BRAIN AND HE DECIDED TO LOOK AT THE OLD YELLOW CHEVY PICKUP WE ALSO HAVE AND GET IT UP AND RUNNING....THAT WAS A TIRING EFFORT FOR HIM, CUZ AS SOON AS HE GOT SOMETHING FIXED OR REPLACED, SOMETHING ELSE DIED.....SO NEEDLESS TO SAY HE WAS UPSET SINCE HE IS A MASTER MECHANIC AND ALL....BUT HE WILL GET THE YELLOW TRUCK UP TONITE FOR SURE SO I CAN HAVE MY CAR BACK! HE IS NOT SURE WHY THE SUBURBAN IS NOT RUNNING, SINCE ALL SIGNS POINT TO A GO...SO THAT ONE MAY TAKE SOME TIME...BY THE END OF THE WEEKEND HE WAS READY TO SELL IT TOO!!! LOL....
I DIDNT GAIN OVER THE WEEKEND, I DROPPED TO 178 THEN UP TO 179 AND I AM AT 179 TODAY AGAIN. ITS OK. AS LONG AS I MAINTAINED THRU THE WEEKEND I AM OKAY! MY STRUGGLE HAS BEEN THE WEEKEND FOR 3 WEEKS, SO TO ARRIVE ON TUESDAY WITH A 1PD GAIN IS EXCITING! GIVES ME ENCOURAGEMENT THAT I CAN GET THRU ANOTHER WEEKEND AGAIN AND AGAIN! M AND I TOOK A SMALL WALK TODAY, THE WIND MADE IT COLD FOR HER AND ME, SO WE WERE OUT FOR 20 MINUTES, IT WAS JUST ENOUGH TO PLEASE HER THOUGH...AND GET ME OFF MY LAZY TOOSH! I SHOULD BE DOING THE BOWFLEX RIGHT NOW, BUT I FINALLY GOT A MINUTE TO MYSELF, SO FORGIVE ME FOR NOT JUMPING RIGHT IN!!!!  THATS MY DEVIL SAYING JUST RELAX FOR A FEW, THE MACHINE AINT GOIN AWAY
OK..OK...I WILL WORKOUT...DAM IT....
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 4 February 2009 12:01 am |
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That is soooo cool about the horses. I love horses and would love to own them, but tending them is tough work. It will definitely keep you busy, and keep M engaged too I bet!
I need to force myself to exercise today too. It warmed up to nearly 40 for a few days and now it is getting cold again, which makes me want to curl up on the couch and do absolutely nothing. BUT, like you, I will force myself to do something, at least get on the elliptical during Biggest Loser when they are all working out like mad haha!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 4 February 2009 02:54 pm |
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hello!
the horsies seem to be happy as #%@&!! i did a great workout yesterday, M and me took a 20 minute walk thru the neighborhood without the stroller and then later i did the upper body workout on the bowflex. Today will be the lower body workout and a walk again, since the weather has been nicer, the wind is around, but we are in the 50-60's so its tolerable. Still have a fireplace going though! i am down 2 today!!! I had a super low day yesterday, and today it stopped at 177!!!! WOW!
M is already up, so the day is getting started earlier than usual, but since the horsies are in the biggest field nearest to the road, i am on hourly watch anyway...but there is soo much weeds out there that they have food for a week! They are gonna clean the weeds and we wont have to do a burn! yay! Good things! I hate the burning season, its so dirty and messy and blistering to my poor hands! God brought them to us to help us keep the fields maintained! M is very happy, she just sits at the fence and talks to them, even if they are across the field! She is in heaven i am sure. Last nite she was testing me though, and my temper was short. D came home early, nothing to do, and he wanted to get the radiator for the yellow truck...so he got it all set up, only to turn it on and the old carbeurator blew the bolts from the power that was not getting the engine moving i guess! So, now, we have to order a C that will take 2 days to get here...so we are delayed on getting alfalfa and oats, and i am still without a car....and last nite, we were all agitated about this holdup. I think my patience was shot that is all, and may today be a better day!
Have a great day too mj!!
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 5 February 2009 02:44 am |
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| Hey, BJ, do those horsies have names? You are doing great @ 177 lbs, I better get my rear in gear or you are gonna pass me by!!!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 5 February 2009 03:00 pm |
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ha ha ha i dont know mj! i started my period yesterday and had terrible salty cravings and wanted to eat later in the evening...so today, we will see where i land on the scale! aggggg!!!
we got them from the neighbor, he had named the brown male Marlboro....and well, i am not diggin that too much, so M and I have been talking about Wilbur...hes kinda got that mellow, slow, easy going manner and their first a.m. here they were out by our wood pile, just beyond our backyard area and she had gotten up and was looking down at him...and well, i love to talk for animals, so i started saying "wilbuuuuurrr come on get up, its time to eat...." as if she were talking to him and D laughed, so it kinda stuck? The grey female didnt have a name so after watching her when we first brought her over...she pranced around the field like an arabian, she did some crazy kicks and was really unpredictible...we are thinking of Lightning for her. I have been calling the male Brownie when wed go feed him over the fence, so that is sticking...just as a pet name you know? I am trying to call him Wilbur cuz its just so cute. They are still a little hesitant with both of us inside the field with them, but last nite when we brought them back from grazing all day in the largest field...but overall it has been a really pleasant transition. It is something to look out and see two beautiful horsies grazing on our grass. I love it. I wish i could share with my parents, but what would they do? give me grief over the cost of care and wonder what happened to them at the neighbors, abuse and such...my parents are the worst sort of snobs for not being rich. Living out here where we are, I think they are overwhelmed due to the variety of folks, rich, poor middle of the road, trash...etc....i think in some ways they kinda look down their noses, which is why they dont come down alot......id rather have M out here in the sticks, then in a busy downtown street anyday anyway!
Speaking of the parents, I had a dream of them last nite..and too, my dad called my cell since he couldnt get thru on the house phone...it changed over yesterday...D listened to the message and didnt reiterate to me, so we can guess what he had to say.....but it didnt stop me from dreaming of them last nite. So, basically, they had M and i went to find them, they were are the store or something, and i found my dad...no mom and no M..and i got all upset, where is she???? he said to me, she is in the truck in the parking lot, playing. I ran to find her and there she was in her car seat in the PL alone, and when i got her out, her long blonde hair was all cut off. It was razor short, with these bangs along the front and mom walked up and asked me if i liked it and how cute was it!?! I lost it, I was crying and all upset and telling them that they had no right to cut off her long beautiful hair that we were trying to grow out and i ran away with her. She was crying since she didnt want to leave them, and then i woke up all shaken.
I hate this. Its like they are strangers to me. And i want to avoid them for the discomfort they leave me with.
Ahhh...thanks for it only being a dream. Why am i having these dreams? what are they trying to tell me? I never did understand dreams alot. I hope it passes.
As for today, carless again, but D found a place to get the Carbeurator made over to be new, so we hope to see the truck up and running by sunday...or saturday if lucky! D is getting really down, he is upset since work has been really slow and he is worried about the money. I said its a good thing we have taxes and lets just be aware and careful and only do what we need. I asked him if he is considering feeling out the employment world to see if there may be soomething better...but that makes me nervous becuase normally he is very busy, this is february, nothing is going on in feb, not even travel....he is an RV tech, so his job is very important, but like i told him, in catering Feb was always dead too....it picks up in march...but then, he works by the job, so he is hating being slow. I dont know how to rest his fears, since he never has them. I have to wonder if he is feeling this more since he has taken back the responsibility of paying the bills? hmm...is he getting a taste perhaps of how i have been feeling for the last 6 months? At least we are current on all the bills, my payment for this month and next month have been set aside, so i think we will be ok. Sure the trucks are a setback, but we are almost out of the woods there, i hope! Lord let this C be the only thing left to replace on the old yella!!!! We have to build some sort of shelter for the horsies, but you know it can be done over time, we are in the desert, its not that cold and it wont be hot until june...so we can slowly complete that. Its tough with him, its all or nothing and its usually gotta be the all......so i am having some trouble keeping his cool for him. Patience, something he alwyas tells me to have, but has little of himself...how ironic!!!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 5 February 2009 09:32 pm |
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well i crashed for a spell, had mac and cheese right out of the pan while making M lunch today!!! the pms urges always kick my arse!!! but i stopped and packed the rest for D lunch and leftover for M. I also did the bowflex lower body workout...wowsers..that was a good one! new exercises i hadnt done before, so it was interesting to see my strength or LACK OF!!! lol... but at the end i had broke a nice sweat, oddly enough! M wants to take a walk after her nap, so I must go shovel the horsie poop and relax for a spell....i kinda have a headache, but i think its the pms and the fact that i couldnt get the smoke from the fireplace out of the house today...the fire D started didnt stick...darn it...and i had to play with it...which is not always easy...and today i was challenged and oh it was bad.!!!! it finally went away, but i kinda feel like the whole house is in a haze now....at least it smells like cedar!
i would love to just take a nap, last nite i fell asleep at 830! on the couch!!! i got up and D went for another snack so i went to bed, unlike me.....but i had to do it, both for the reasons of getting away from the food and for my tiredness....
ok, enough for now...c ya!
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 6 February 2009 03:03 am |
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| OK, so my two cents about the dream is, it seems to be about the fact that your parents don't respect your right to parent and choose for your daughter, and then they make choices that go against yours or for your daughter without discussing it with you... hence the terrible haircut that you would never agree to in your dream. Seems like your subconscious is trying to remind you that there are good reasons to keep them away right now because they can't respect you as a parent. Ha ha or that could just be a bunch of psychobabble and it could mean nothing.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 10 February 2009 05:42 pm |
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oh MJ you would not believe that M peed her pants yesterday while in the house, in her room! I dont know what happened, I can only ASSUME that she was too into the cartoons she was watching while we were out working on the horses home all afternoon. I kept checking on her all day, her room was clean, she was sitting nicely watching her little shows, the backyardigans, DORA the explorer, Go Diego Go, Wonder Pets and Oswald..so we let her stay up without a nap and i guess maybe that wasnt so smart. I was so upset when I picked her up to put her in her high chair (she is such a runt you know!?!?!) and her pants were all soaked. I didnt even want to feed her dinner, i was so bothered by this action. Granted, she hasnt done it more than 2 times since we went to panties...but it still upsets me alot, since we keep thinking its the tv that is sucking her in and she forgets all else around her. She is only 3.5 i cant make her sit and read with me for hours, I cant get her to play with toys for hours, she loves to watch the cartoons and i make sure they are her age and they are always learning things on the shows, so i dont fault them as bad.....but maybe too much? D is talking about taking the TV out of her room, but since we dont let her watch the living room grown up shows too much, its her space you know? so, today, its snowy and cold so she was only outside for about 10 minutes before she came in freezing cold! She is now watching them and not playing, since I am working on focus. If she wants to watch tv then dont play with all your toys. And vice versa. I will get her outside more when the weather is warmer and i do tell her often that she will not always have the tv to watch when she starts school...so i am kinda lettin her enjoy it you know? We have good and bad days! But i tell you MJ after the peeing yesterday i once again said to myself that I would not let my parents take her and have her for a visit...its not worth the struggle to get her on track again! And I am having to do that repeatedly now as it is! we are taking one step foward and two back all the time!!!! She has reverted again to missing 5 and 13 when counting where last week she had it down!!! ugh, its a constant struggle and no matter how badly i want a small tiny break, the steps back would not be worth it. Apparently dad still hastnt gotten the idea, he is still leaving me "waahwaah messages" and hasnt started to attempt to sound happy or anything....its getting a little easier....day by day!
My diet is going well too, I am back in at 177 today. I shot up to 179 over the weekend, had calzone for dinner friday nite that i wanted in vain to be healthier for me than a piece of pizza...but i dont know..it is all bad when it comes to pizza and italian food!!! I have discovered these Lean Cuisine meals that are under 250 calories and i love them. I esp like the salisbury steak..i would like to make that from scratch but i am not sure how. Have to look it up!!! I eat them when D wants something I cant have and not as a daily meal replacement, since i am not learning how to cook them you know? i need to be sure to keep making dinner so that I can learn how to eat better, and not just get a quick fix. its always gonna be something I have to make an effort to do. I wish I could just sit down and eat 15 cookies, then nachos then sausage, cream cheese and ritz crackers with iced tea!!! I WISH!!!! but i would gain 5 pds doing it!!!!
Oh yeah, also my sizwe 14M levis are begginging to bag on my butt and in fact yesterday i was running around the field doing things and my jeans kept falling down!!! LOL...it was quite a site, and D enjoyed it alot too!!! LOL....
I have to jam, I have the wood man bringing a load of wood soon.......not sure if i will head out to restack it today or not...its just soo cold out there...i hate the wind. I can take anything except the cold bitter wind!!!
I will do some workout today, probably bowflex, do another 4 day week rotation of uppper and lower body. It felt good to lay out the power shoveling dirt yesterday and building that house for the horsies, my muscles took a beating but it felt good!!
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 11 February 2009 12:19 am |
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BJ, my son was about 3 years old before he was potty trained. I never stressed and didn't try to train him... I had this awesome doc who asked me if I knew any adults who never got potty trained... he said everyone learns eventually, at his or her own pace, and it is not worth the power struggle to do it before the kid is ready. So, frustrating as it may seem, I would say it will be OK. Maybe she just needs reminders to go to the bathroom after certain shows... like every hour she has to try no matter what. That way, even if she gets really into a show, she won't be wet at the end. All of those shows are good ones, my son loved Sesame Street and Barney haha. We watched PBS endlessly, since he was a "lonely only" child and had to learn to self-entertain like your little one.
That's awesome that the scale is going down... I hear ya on the 15 cookies, that's about how many come in each row of a pack of oreos (don't ask how I know...). I guess we have to retrain our brains to have one oreo over 15 days to equal the 15 total, not all 15 at once! Eventually... we'll get there~
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 11 February 2009 05:14 pm |
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thanks mj, that is some good advice. i wonder if my strain on myself and my head has to do a little with trying to ensure calm, or keep things easy and simple for when D is here? is that wierd to say? not to say that I am afraid of how he reacts, cuz that isnt the case.....but i feel her misbehavior SOO much more when he is here because I let him kinda step in when he gets home, he kinda takes over you know? I just wish it could get easier for all of us. I know she is young, I feel bad letting the tv be her best friends, but at the same time, i hear her laughing, talking to the show, interacting in HER way and that makes me happy since I know I cant be that for her. I am the adult and as much as I wish that I could sit and play all day with toys with her, i simply would go nuts because i have things to do and want time for me too. I dont think it is stumping her health or growth because its not anime or creepy scary stuff but D is really concerned that she is failing to hear us or listen to us because she is so sucked into the show and he wants to pull the tv out of her room. Today I have done something different, I gave her breakfast and then she got dressed and then had 1 hour of tv, wonder pets and dora. I turned it off to let her play for a while and she had a tantrum. I had let her take a few toys out to play while watching the shows, and then as the pile got bigger so i asked her 4 times to put them away now. She didnt do it. So, i turned off the tv and she started to cry. I picked her up to my level and tried to explain why i did that and when she wouldnt stop i put her in time out on her step stool in the bathroom and closed the door for 2 minutes. After 2 min. i told her why i did what i did, and that she could play now, and in an hour, if she cleaned all the toys up she could watch some tv for an hour again.
I dont know how this will work, but i am trying. D would be upset if he knew that the tv was on at all today, i think he still wants it off till he gives her clearance.....but i am just letting her have a little at a time. It is too long of a day for her without any outside interaction...esp when she is up at 7! Agh, a long day for both of us really!!!!! She is doing ok at the moment, and that is good for me. Its not easy to be a boss. Its not easy to be mean, I mean, sure I yell alot and get upset but it passes fast too. Underneath it all i am just a wimp who doesnt like to fight, and i hate to hear her cry when someone else causes it, and yeah even when i cause it! Its never easy!
Well, yesterday we got two calls, my dad went so far as to call D at his work number to speak to him!!!! OMG JUST TO TELL US HOW HE MISSES MADELINE???? come on dad, what the #%@&!? He left me a message and D said later that it was one of his worst messages yet, and that we were changing my cell number next. So, today my mom called my cell, and left a message. That is 3 calls in two days, my parents and my gramma......we both felt that she only called since my dad was whining to her about not talking to us or seeing M for so long...and not just cuz she had something to say, in fact she did not say much except we hadnt made any contact. Which is not true, I had written her a letter by hand about 3 weeks ago and mailed it to her and she never wrote me back or even mentioned it. So, you take the time again, for nothing........nothing ever changes. Today I changed my cell, so now short of coming to the house, which i pray they dont do.....i am free of them on the outside...but unfortunately they are still on the inside and very actively eating my brain!!!! Will it ever be easier? and why it had to get to this? they treat me as if i am going to come home soon, and wonder why i am gone so long???
The horsies are doing well, and the sun is out today and the wind is calm but the temp is very cold.....so i am not out there just yet. We have propane coming today and i need to move the firewood pile before they get here. Motivation! Need Some!!!
I didnt work out yesterday and i ate like a piggy and somehow my wt came in at 177 again today. I have been active in taking care of the horsies, i wonder how much work i am really doing, the wheelbarrowing the scooping and shoveling and then the walking the wt of it over around the field. I get a workout, but its labor so its kinda different for me. I dont know if i am working out today, though i should. Its so cold it takes my motivation out of me altogether!!!
Have a great day!!! :) I gotta go get busy on the woodpile!!! argh.....
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 12 February 2009 02:25 am |
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| BJ, parenting is all about on-the-job training. Just give her love, try to make consistent decisions about what is best for her and it will all work out. Sorry to hear you are having to take more extreme measures to get your message across to your parents. Hopefully something will finally click and they will understand that you are not reserving a place in your life for them right now. Sorry to say, it doesn't seem like they will get it though. Stand tall and stay firm!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 12 February 2009 06:06 pm |
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amen, i believe you MJ! You know what? I dont think that my parents will ever get the idea. I bet that they will show up here at the house eventually. I sent out these simple valentines day cards to the family, and didnt do anything except sign our names...just kept it inpersonal as best i could.
i have almost lost my voice from raising it so much yesterday. today, i allowed her to watch an hour, and i left her alone for like 30 minutes and i went back to see how she was doing and her toys were all over the floor. I got really steamed and threw it all out. It was a bunch of papers and nothing significant so it wasnt a big deal but i blew it totally and tossed it all out.
i put her in time out as well. I guess I am being too hard on her, she was crying and upset, as was i. I cleaned it up and now she is playing in her room without a tv. is it a big deal, this attempt i am making? is D trying too hard too soon? I mean, she just takes her toys out while watching tv, interacts with the animals like the characters do in the shows...but D gets all upset since she is not focusing on any one thing you know? He sais that if we dont catch it now, she will do this for the rest of her life.
The thing is, I am the same way. I will be watching tv, its on in the background and i am busy doing other things like the computer, painting my nails, etc...and well, maybe she is just alot more like me than i think? Am I trying too hard? I cant seem to get reason to land in her head and i am so tired of behaving like my mom. I went on today to b.i.t.c.h like my mom did all the time. It was not a day in our home that my mom was not losing it over something, some mess, something out of place, dinner being burned, you can imagine...and #%@&! if i am not just like her. I want to yell at her for instilling that behavior in me, but she would never take responsibility for her actions. She feels completely justified in her temper blowouts and wont ever change. I dont want to be that way, but when i walk in there and see her covered in all her toys, with the tv on, i just get mental and go off big time. Now, I dont do it when D is here, and I dont know why, except he would probably freak out!!!! I just had such lousy examples to learn from that I feel like such a failure. Then, after I go off, she hugs me and she wants to play and i am in no mood at that time, no patience....and i ask her to leave me alone. I am such a mess. Dam it.
Sorry to go on and on, i just have nowhere to go. This is my only safe place. I know that noone has the right answers but me in my head, if only i can find that right answer............and trust myself enough to search for it.
Today, its mellow outside, maybe we will take a walk later this afternoon. I am down to 175 today, which is really cool. Especially since I just like went overboard yesterday on the mac n cheese and cookies. I think that working outside with horsies is actually more exercise than i am giving myself credit for. I am so not motivated to workout....why do i go thru these motions? Do we all feel that way? one day on and one week off????
Ok, M is asking me if she can watch a movie, she would like to watch Shrek and I asked her to please try to keep her toys away and just to enjoy the movie like she is in the movie theatre, you have to sit and be quiet with your drink. I will give her a chance. then its lunch time!
Thanks as always for listening......
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 12 February 2009 06:33 pm |
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BJ, it has been a really long time since I was a parent to a toddler, so I really can't give any specific advice, but I think a parenting book might be really helpful. I remember reading a few when my son was little, since nobody really trains us to be parents. I would look up what was "normal" for every age so that I would know what to expect. That might help you to set some reasonable limits for your little one, that she can handle based on her development and abilities. Plus, a good book usually has tips about how to deal with things like discipline. Also, a kitchen timer or alarm clock might be good for her when you give her a certain amount of time to do something, or those 5 minute warnings, etc. Wow, it's been sooooo long since I had to think of any of that!
As for being too much like your mom, I think many of us have been there. I try very hard to be a better parent than my mother was. Not because she was a bad parent, but because in retrospect I can see areas where she could have done things differently. She was very laid back about some things, which led to me making a lot of bad decisions because I had way too much freedom. On the other hand, she freaked about school grades or a messy house. I try to keep things in perspective and look at the bigger picture of what skills I want my son to have, and what support he needs from me. Are there still things I wish I had done differently? You bet, but overall I am pretty happy with myself as a parent. Don't pick apart each day, but keep your focus on how you are overall.
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 February 2009 05:08 pm |
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i am back, its been a long time since i wrote anything..how funny! been busy i guess! i am holding onto 174 for about a week, but its ok. I am not upset about it. I am excited that I took a chance on saturday, put on my fancy emerald green dress that we had bought me for the wedding that never fit me.....
i swore i would get it on by sept 08 but everything changed re the wedding, we moved it up to july and i never got a chance to wear it...but it never fit me then either...couldnt zip it up! so, i tried it on and D zipped the ENTIRE DRESS!!!!! It fits me like a glove. That is so amazing and stupendous and outstanding!!!!!!!!
Now, we just have to find a place for me to wear it!!!! :)
The horsies are doing well, M is doing really well. I moved her room yesterday so that her tv is up out of her reach and so is the radio etc....she cant turn it off or on now without getting me or daddy to help. She freaked out over my moving it, she panicked big time and she definately took a step back and seems to be greatful that we didnt take it away....we have also noted that she is not making a mess of her toys lately. She takes a few out and she plays nice. However, something she is doing is breaking all her crayons! Agh! A HUGE HUGE thing that has happened for the last 4 days is she is sleeping thru the nite with her panties and not a diaper.....she has now completed the process we think! We have made such a huge progressive step in this area.....and she is also very proud of herself which is neat to see!!!!!
We are looking to try to get the car situation settled, hoping to hear something today about the payout since yesterday they deemed that the car is not salvagable.....makes me very sad, but i am looking at other cars and i am frustrated since i dont know what the payout amount will be...and the buyback amount as well! We want to keep her and fix her, but i need a running working car, that has a trunk taht closes securly! :(
Anyhoo......its all gonna workout. I hope that all of you guys are doing well!!! Miss you all!!!
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 24 February 2009 10:12 pm |
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| Glad to see you are down a few more lbs. That is SOO exciting about the dress. I just bought a pair of pants this past weekend because they were on clearance for 3.97. They are too tight but I am focused on getting to the point where I can zip them with ease. It is such a great morale booster! A fancy dinner or party is definitely in your future so you can get out and show everyone how awesome you look!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 25 February 2009 04:06 pm |
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that would be so lovely to have a fancy dinner out on the town....we would have to have a baby sitter, so realisitically it may be when T our sister comes down in the summer and we take our little vacation...Lord, I hope we can take that time off, with his hours so low and no work in the shop, we are not sure of what is to come. He is actually nervous and worried at this point. He would not tell me his hours for this check coming on friday, he was ashamed of them. :(
I am glad we got the settlement money from my car getting crashed up. Granted the car is beaten and bruised but she runs like a champ and its just exterior ugly and anyone who looks at my car will see I didnt cause this to happen....its obvious I was hit from the back. I am looking for another replacement, and then we are keeping my car and D is already looking at "rallying her out" with the fancy spoilers, bumpers, ground effects and such. I guess that those items are cheaper than replacing all the parts that were busted up. Wierd but hey, anything cheaper is better and it will look sportier than she already is! We have the time, now we just need the money.
I did my upper body workout yesterday, as well as tending horsies and running around town like a madwoman.....had to go to ABQ to get the insurance settled at the geico office....so i had the mcd's for lunch...aghh...why???? i was starving and M was starving! The visit was a pop up! We didnt get to plan out! But, the wierd thing is that around 6pm i started feeling funny in the belly, like nauseous...and within 20 minutes i threw up 3 times....funny indeed...not sure what happened, but i didnt eat any dinner as a result....
And then, my weigh in today was really low...wonder why??? i came in at 172. You know, its funny to think, that by July when we can get away baby free that the lovely green dress may be TOO BIG for me????
LOL...I have to laugh at that since its a true reality and also know that I only invested 10$ in it, so I havent lost much....except the chance to feel like the Queen that D claims I truelly am...
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 February 2009 05:30 am |
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| If the dress gets too big, wear it around the house while you work out or tend the horses haha. That will make you feel like a queen for sure! Sorry to hear about your car, and about D's work. I am hopefully the economy will pick up soon and we will all be in a better position!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 February 2009 03:16 pm |
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ok well we have a false postive weigh in yest, cuz today i am up to 174 again. Dam it. We had angel pasta with chicken, bell peppers, onions, mushrooms and a combo sauce with a garlic alfredo/tomato sauce mixture. (i used what we had leftover amts of!) it was a rich yummy dish, and i had a piece of french bread as well....overall i thought i did ok, since for lunch i had a diet pepsi and a big cup of bouliion broth...but maybe too the salt amounts shot me back up? who knows...but i feel bad anyway....argh..
as for the car, i washed her all up and made her pretty, even armorall'd the interior panels and the mirrors etc so she is a rich black and clean white again...i vacuumed her also, and it felt good that i gave her some love. My poor car. Its such a tragedy to see something you care for and take care of always get beaten by one careless driver...Its just a tragedy. I am searching desparately for a vehicle to replace her, so that we dont burn thru the cash we got taking care of the house...but to no avail. I am searching craigs list and the contact is usually via email...and i barely get answers back...I ask myself how badly these folks need to sell their cars?? not badly i guess! I am very discouraged. We found a 94 suburban 4x4 for 1900 last nite, and sent an email immed.... but nothing back as of today, the ad just went in on the 24 or 25th, so you would think that these people would be observing emails to get responses.....or maybe that is simply MY WAY of thinking??? Maybe I expect all the others out there to be as eager as we were to sell the blazer? I have such high expectations of others, and almost always end up disappointed. Does that make me a snob? Or just messed up, uptight, overwrought with worry etcetcetc....
I also had a situation yesterday with our neighbor, the one that is the slobbiest messiest most unhuman neighbor we have. We live in the country, and the majority of people here are low income with a mix of higher income folks such as us. We have one of the 3 stick built homes within a mile, all the rest are mobiles. Well, last summer the apparent owner of this part. home spent months clearing his fields, painting the trailers he owns etc...cleaning it up! We were so happy to see, and then they had a tenant family move in, who up until two weeks ago had just loaded garbage bags into a broken truck in their backyard that we have to look at daily.....not to mention the field overgrown, two dogs that come into our yards daily and harrass our dogs (we are totally fenced, but the go under and thru the 5 in sq that makes up our fencing.) In Valencia county, a rule exists due to the high amt of strays that if a dog is in your property you can shoot it. Well, yest that time finally reared its ugly head with me, and I was in no mood so i got the 22. My dogs were going nuts, their two unfed unkept dogs were in our back field apparently drinking our septic drain out that waters our bamboo and sunflowers or eating something dead.....we have 2.75 ac, it is possible....but i went out and just shot in vacinity and the dam owner shows up around the corner of his trailer and yells did you just shoot my dog? well, a yelling match ensued and i said by the way you need to clean your garbage because its littering our yard! And your dogs are in our yard daily! I Will Shoot them! He sais to me hes callin the cops...so i grabbed my cell and called sheriff dispatch and apparantely got to them first, they came out to my home, stayed till the animal control came, advised i was within my rights etc...that i was not in the wrong...and then i was advised to kill it next time! They will come pick it up for us, but if we take it out, take it out, dont just injure it....wow....knew it but to have it told to my face was a suprise....so today, of course i have this fear...even though the sheriff went to them after leaving here and advised we can do shoot them if they come onto our property and when the guy got all pissy we heard the sheriff just get more firm and louder in his tone. Reality is not everyone gives a S.H.I.T about their property or their animals....and its sad. We have improved our street just by taking care of our property, all the neighbors know it and they all do a little more too now, so its happening slowly. two weeks ago, I had called the zoning dept and the animal control about these people and apparantely they have been fined for the trash already and the shelter came out but noone answered the door, so of course nothing was done.....The sheriff said we have to go to the big bosses of the county, write letters, make calls, complain until someone does something....
Ya well, I am at home but I surely dont want to invest all my energy in trying to make animals like them be better people......all i can do is keep what is within my property nice...but i assure you, next time i wont miss and i have but only killed two things in my life. A snake last summer and a rabbit eating my garden and flowers...neither was easy let me assure...
I sound like an animal myself. I am now timid about being outside tending to horses since their house abuts the horses field. I feel like they will be watching me, knowing i am here alone all day with a child....but too they know i have a gun and i am not afraid to use it...so hopefully nothing will happen. I hope they learned a lesson that we are fed up...I thought it was kinda funny that even though he threatened me about the cops that obviously i got to them first and followed thru.....so he knows he is and was in the wrong.....and maybe he wont mess with me. I will do what I have to do, but I wont carry a shotgun around with me, good gracious! Also helped that Leo the other neighbor, our comrade came to wait for the sheriff with me, as I was a shaking quaking mess....and then D came straight home, so by the time that loser came out to talk #%@&! after the cops left, we had a team of force here ready to do whatever needed to be done....I daresay living in the country, outskirts of town is a different world than living in the city!!! Although the city the same stuff happens, somehow out here different rules definately apply!!! Anything almost can go!!
I did manage my 2nd day of my bowflex workout after all the excitement went away...so that helped me calm down a little. I also didnt eat alot of pasta, I had a small amount in the middle of a big plate! I am just worried about the car replacement, the low funds we have in the bank, Ds low hours and how worried he is about it....and how i have to watch everything i do when I leave the house to buy things. Like he and two guys at work want to open our big garage as a performance auto body repair shop and he asked me to get business card stock to make cards. Being I am the homemaker, I decided to get milk, sugar, etc some small items at the albertsons that was next to the staples i went too....in total i spent about 36 bucks....and i felt incredibly guilty!!! It has to stop. He played the lotto with 10 people at work so maybe we will win!
On a good note though, we burned the Love Actually Soundtrack for my folks and he wrote up a nice positive note that we will send to them, so they can relax and know all is well. We told them about horses, my wt loss, all the growth steps M has made with the diapers, her writing, her numbers etc....but now we cant afford to mail it!!!! LOL...
ahh the irony.....it has to get better......tomorrow is pay day, lord let it be at least 1000.....at least????
I hope MJ that you are doing well!!!! Another weekend is on the way!! :) Cant you just see me out in a gown and cowboy boots scoopin the horsie poop? LOL....what a site that would be!!! It may come to that though!! Esp if the money doesnt start to come in again....
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 27 February 2009 03:01 am |
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BJ, so sorry to hear what you are going through with the neighbors and the dogs. It is hard to think that you might have to shoot the dog, but it is invading your space and putting you and your animals at risk. Those people sound so very sad to me, pathetic in the way they are living, but of course I grew up in a rural area and saw some of the same kind of people. It is particularly hard when they are in your neighborhood, and their actions are affecting you! I hope it is resolved soon with the agencies fining the, etc.
Sorry to hear about your money troubles. I hate the way the economy is dragging everyone down! I can only hope that the new stimulus initiatives will help make things better for all of us!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 27 February 2009 02:49 pm |
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thanks mj, you know i was all worried yesterday there would be drama, but thankfully there wasnt any. How can the guy fault us for trying to keep our place nice and clean and safe? He knows he cant win against us. Our home and property are like 6 times bigger than his, he is just a renter...I saw him this a.m. as i was out scooping and moving the horses poop out away at the end of our property, away from all the houses it could inflict its odors on...and i was kinda nervous he would do or say, but he drove down his road and not up around our house so that was a positive sign. I just want peace and safety, but if i have to shoot the poor dogs, it is better than the life they have now....anything would be better than that if i were a dog. UGH..its a sad state that living that way is acceptable, shows how THEY were raised....which is all a part of why we are striving to give M better manners, goals, thoughts, etc...so she ends up being the smarter kid who moves on and up and out....not that i dont like it here, but the kids are bullies and their parents dont care.
Anyhoo, looks like i found a car! a 2000 cavalier coupe, midnite blue, 75k miles, very clean and D will be meeting the gent who is selling it since he really needs the money...the economy is killing us!!! Although, on a good note, yesterday was the end of the month meeting at D's work, and they give away a gift certificate and certificate for employee of the month, and D got it!!! YAY! He rocks!! Outstanding work ethics! YAY!!! Even when the economy is down, he is gonna stick it out with them and let the weak ones leave so that when spring arrives and the business is back up he will be the one standing at the bay waiting for the rv to drive up to be serviced. He knows better than to try to leave when things will turn around...its the nature of his business...and he is soo good at it. I think he is tired now lately since we have had one trouble after another with our vehicles, so he is just work work work on autos etc for the last 2 months and that can be a drag. Since we are saving 200 on this purchase I want to give him 100 of it to take the suburban to be diagnosed and get her fixed if we can, so he will feel better. I hate to see him sad. 
Ate really bad yesterday, lots of bread and sweet things, like mini candy bars that i get for his lunch!! BAD BJ!!! Not sure what the weigh in will be today! Gonna be in and out of the house and town all day, since we will be getting the car today....but i plan to get my workout in this afternoon before it gets dark...and then tomorrow i will either do somehting outside to be physical or i will get the lower body workout done as well. Since D is taking a 3 day weekend to ensure he gets 8 hours on saturday.....i always make adjustment if he is here, i would rather be with him...but he enjoys watching me workout...lol.....
And how are you MJ? I havent had a chance to get into the diaries as i like to do but I hope all is going pretty well, how is the working out coming along?? still losing?? keep it up!! that is so great!! :)
Have a wonderful day! M is up so i have to go now.......talk soon! :) thanks for stopping in!
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 28 February 2009 12:45 am |
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That's cool that D won the certificate! Sounds like a timely pick-me-up to help him through this down time at work. I hope you get your car, it sounds cute! Glad to hear the neighbor kept to himself and didn't try to keep things going today!
Arggh, don't you hate it when you start picking at stuff and eating what you know isn't good for you? But that's OK, just make the next day a good one and keep looking forward! I have had a good week with my diet and I am starting to feel more committed again, so that's good~
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 4 March 2009 04:14 pm |
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ya it was nice he won something and it did make him feel better..i hope! (though it was for walmart, and so he ended up buying me pretty blue flower seat covers for my new car) the weekend went well, we got all the car changes made and both are in strong running condition again. I changed out 8 tires, putting my newer alloy wheels oplanning to fix a gasket on the oil tonite, so she will be in excellent condition. She looks like a new car now, but it took some love. Now I am in love with her and very happy. I drove her for the first time yesterday, she is fast! Sure she is a salvage vehicle, but that is ok. It was cheaper to nto my new little zoomer and then put all the older tires on my old car. Now he is driving my old car to work. Last nite he changed the rear brakes on my new one and he is insure and register that way, and with a mechanic hubby i am not concerned for any things to go awry...
i dropped down to 172 then back up for 2 days now at 173. I am ok with that, considering the S.H.IT i have been eating.....argh..some days. Like today, I would love love love to boil some angel pasta and eat it with butter and cheese...nothing else. Or mashed potatoes smotherd in sour cream and pepper.....or 5 pieces of hot buttered toast with a cup of english tea with cream and sugar.....
some days that is all i want. but i have to remind myself how i got this far and stop those thoughts. driving around in Abq yesterday was tough, i see all the fast food places and when i get near the hospital i get the worst cravings....takes the anxiety and nerves of being pregnant and going to see my dr weekly and how i would drive right to the taco bell and then order a taco salad with beef and then also order a personal pan pizza combo meal and i would eat them as i drove home slowly....the old days were bad. Now, i have to think that if i do it, i have to justify spending the money to someone else, so i shy away from bingeing that way anymore. It is challenging tho...believe me. Shows me that I am only stopping the bingeing due to having to be accountable for my actions......does that mean that if i had my own cash, that i would be bingeing still today?
I hope not, but when i feel like i did yesterday, i wonder if i am growing or not??? We are having company on saturday nite, and i am not extremely thrilled, the last time they were here was before NYE and well, it was a drinking, eating, smoking pot festival in which i overate, drank too much and basically felt like a hostess. I know its all about D when they come down, that is ok...he loves to have people to play his music with, and J plays the drums and guitar so i know it makes him happy...BUT ITS SOO LOUD. There is no way to talk, you just have to sit and listen...and well, ok, i admit, that is not the funnest thing to do, esp when J only knows two or three songs.....and i have nothing to talk about with his "girlfriend, fiance" woman....they are really dark, like gothic and into death metal and lots of piercings etc...and well, i am a little preppy girl, plus M is totally enamoured with J and I dont know what his girl thinks of that, since M doesnt pay much attention to her at all...... I just dont know how to have a friend face to face, and with my anxiety already swelling, I am definately not looking forward to this weekend. I am also irked about it because of how i found out about it. I went to get M after my dr visit yesterday, and J came up and said so we are on for Saturday nite then??? I looked at D who didnt look at me, and didnt say a word but I just let it unfold. I guess that they discussed this over a month ago, and J mentioned it yesterday and D had forgotten about it......so still no asking me if i am ok with it, just assume i am i suppose....what else can i be really? its not my house. Its D's and if he wants to play music, then what can i do? throw a tantrum because I wasnt asked first? I am bothered that we havent had a weekend to ourselves since before the truck stopped working and we adopted the horses. Each weekend since Jan has been devoted to the buildings or the cars and now i get to be hostess all this weekend. Its not like i will get help making food for them, or making the bed up for them, or cleaning up after them, or making them sunday a.m. breakfast....i do it all alone, I swear i may as well be an innkeeper when they come over because my attitude is just niceties and pleasantries and not really involved. I separate myself to a different role other than wife. Not sure why, but i see that i do it anyway.....its not like i can sit in D's pocket, and i dont want too...but I just dont have alot in common with them, hence the smoking and drinking so that I WILL LIGHTEN UP and not look at them so seriously....
I gotta stop I am just upsetting myself with every word i type.
Dad and I are kinda talking. Not much, just over email. By default or fate, I know not which, but I am trying to be positive and stay at a distance. I just told them I am not ready yet.
I didnt sleep well last nite, really warm and uncovered and tossed and turned all nite. Got up 4 times to pee. Argh....Just unsettled somehow...maybe its over the weekend plans...not sure....maybe i am upset that D didnt really awknowledge that i am not really interested in having company....??
I know I need to work out today, bowflex for sure...but right now, i just want to eat #%@&!.....bottomless #%@&!...and as i say that, i look at the sugar free apples and cinnamon oatmeal that is now very cold from 740 when i made it to eat it.......
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 5 March 2009 03:40 am |
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BJ, it is very telling that you call it D's house and feel you dont have a say in having company... it is now the family house, and it is not that he needs to ask permission, but he should respect that you should be informed! I would flip because my house is not always "company-clean" and I would want time to get snacks and spruce the place up, you know? Hopefully it will be fun, at least a little bit, but since it is his friend and you don't really connect with the gf, I would just say go with the flow and leave the entertaining up to D! Maybe she will be a horse person and want to talk about that?? I can only hope, for your sake! Glad to hear the weight is still down in your low range. I was thinking about my old McD's binges the other day... I can't believe the things I used to eat... and then stop at the store and buy several candy bars or a box of cookies, and eat the whole darned thing... whoa! At least in reflection we can truly see the progress we are making in changing bad habits~
Glad to hear your car is all ready to roll and looking sharp! It's a good feeling to have a reliable vehicle and have that problem taken care of!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 6 March 2009 04:28 pm |
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its true, i dont feel that it is my house, i dont know why, except for the past. i am still on a long road to healing and growth for my self and my self esteem. It is only I that say that, for D is constantly changing what i say when i do that, he corrects me tells me its our house, our life, our daughter, our troubles, etc......and i still dont say it. I am really bad about our daughter....since noone has ever been in her life but me and the fam' and i dont mean to hurt him if and when its said..but i cant apologize either..somewhere in my past relationships it was made very clear to me what was his and what was mine and how very little of it was ever ours...for me to lay that claim with anyone from my past would have been a travesty and outrage that i would assume such things. It is the past, I ask God daily to help me forgive those who hurt me in my past and though it is getting easier, it still bites me in the arse alot.
this has been a bingeing week. i think today i may be getting back into control of my eating, but only today and i havent eaten yet. its only 9 and though M got up earlier, I think she feel asleep again! I was writing my mom an email and tho i heard her it was only 715am so i let her go and she is quiet now. I wish i were back in bed, but i have been writing and writing and thinking since 6. I have such a headache. Its day 3. Yesterday i was achey and sore like i had run a marathon, but i did the lower body bowflex. You know mj, this is crazy but on wednesday i did my measurements....and since august i have lost 18.5 inches...!!!! whered it go and how come i still see it on me? my hips, my thighs, my arms.....its all there still! i do see some small changes, D sees more for sure. I still see cellulite on my legs and my arse and underarms....and that tells me nothing changed. I need to be walking more. I need to be toning, although i guess i am since the numbers keep growing in favor of loss. I wonder when i will really see it?
Anyway, so i had a thought to invite my parents down for saturday, late afternoon imagined taking a walk with them and mj and then d comes home and we can have dinner and then do the baby winddown dance of dinner bath and books then bed.....and then they go home and its a nice night.
I ask D and then I get the remorse of thinking that fast and far ahead just because I got a really nice note from my mom yesterday. She shared with me how much my dad loves me and m, and how she never had that growing up with my grampa, as he was the stern provider in the house and not really a loving caring dad who gave hugs and such. At the end i was happy tears, but only briefly. She talked about how much M and me are in their house, the girly feeling we had when we were there, how she needs a change but my dad doesnt see it the same. She is accepting that this is how it is now, and though it is gettin easier that it would have been easier had we just moved to CHINA! LOL....so you can see how i wanted to have them down? I miss my mom, she is the easier more logical one of them...but my dad with his sorrows and woes and worries over my brother and gramma just make it so hard..he constantly sees the glass half empty...(where do we think I GET IT FROM!?!?)
The reality is i am jumping into the water too fast! Just because my toes enjoyed it doesnt mean i should jump right on into the icey water! I know not what is underlying......there could be much and mire to get my feet stuck and bring me back down where i am saddened and want to bury that saddness in food. I could be setting myself up to try to make them change and let go of things that they simply are not capable of letting go, like my gramma and her needs and my brother and worse, worry about me.....
In the end I keep my trap shut. I wrote a note shared about the accident, shared i am reading the bible for the first time, shared how i want for madeline should she go back with them for a visit one day, talked about daytime visit without sleepovers...all that was in my head...and i am going to sit on that and wait to see how they react. The car is HUGE.....(again, the past...3 of my ex's hurt my vehicles in one way or another).
I am glad i didnt jump in, wading on the side of the water is just as good for me right now...nothing bad ever comes from going slow...
:)
hugs and have a great weekend! be strong! :) talk soon! babys up! i am gonna get her into her zoomer and we are gonna take a walk before wind gets here.....we lost shingles on the roof yesterday the wind blew soo hard.... :(
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 7 March 2009 04:06 pm |
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its saturday, its M's 44 month birthday and our 9 month anniversary and we have nothing planned...in fact it didnt even occur to me... Here I was complaining about how we were having company, and now i am sad to be here alone with no plans. Our tv broke last nite which sucks, and its alot of money to buy a new one, but D did just that with our Dell account. More money....Can we ever just be??
I am so in a bad mood this week. I feel frustrated that we are broke, I feel grateful he has a good job but to have no money is killing me, us. I know enough to know that if I were out working, all of my money would be going to a daycare or gas to get her to my parents house to watch her there...and we would have no money anyway, so i should just chill and be thankful he has a good job. Money isnt everything but he talks so much of what he wants to do, its always in the future and always involves money. We have soo much of a list of things to complete, to repair to buy and replace, etc that i just get so bogged and depressed over it. He tells me that he is dreaming and that keeps him hopeful, but i listen and my realities keep me from being happy to think of those things coming, esp when his last check wasnt even 800. He usually makes about 1600 on a check after take home....so we can see how low we are right now. I can say we are somehow surviving at this time without my credit cards but it has not been easy. I went out to get the last gallon of milk in the extra fridge in the garage and the fridge is empty short of fruit and eggs and some old baileys liquor and his sodas. I never like to see our house void of things to eat, esp since he is such a fickle picky eater......to me we have lots of variety, but he will walk about and check each cabinet and find not one thing he would like to eat.....so some times i feel at a loss without the cash to buy any thing he really gets a itch for... I just want it all and obviously i cant have it. Today, he woke up and said to me, imagine we just pulled open the curtains and instead of being here we are at the Madonna inn in San Simeon down the road from Hearst Castle....and i wanted to cry. I am seeing our vacation in the summer just slip thru our hands with the lack of cash. The 500 we set aside to start a vacay fund is gone to trucks, cars, propane, firewood. As it is, he mentioned he is going to split the mortgage payment into two and send it that way so that we can pay it somehow, simply put his checks arent enough to cover the mortgage in one check....how did it get to this? Is this the american way now?? we are all tapped out and living on credit and someones elses dime? The bad part is, next month we have to come up with the payment for my settlement company out of his check. The first 3 months came out of the tax returns, the sale of the blazer and then i just put some of the remainder of the settlement from my car over to that acct so that I am better prepared for April payment.....where will it come from Lord? Is living this life possible or have we over extended ourselves? One day at a time. He is working today, Lord let him make more than an 8hr day so that he doesnt waste the time standing around smoking cigarettes with the boys.
I am burying myself fast. He asked what we were doing tonite for our anniv. ...what can i say? i can defrost some meat, pull out the frozen funky ears of corn that apparently are moofy to you, and we can watch our scrawny little 20" tv by candlelight....yay! Doenst that sound fun and exciting? There is much in this house that M and I will eat, but he doesnt like veggies just corn and the corn i got seems to be a bad bag! (teach me to buy generic to save money, gotta go green giant nibblers next time because i simply cant take this feeling of failure when i make him a nice dinner and he barely eats it.)
What is my dam problem? I am wallowing in a pool of self pity and self defacing of my life.......its just that he is so used to having it ALL and now he barely has ANYTHING of value in his life right now, its all used and beaten and not full value anymore, if ever and I hear it constantly and i wear down because if he isnt talkinng of what he used to have its all about what he wants to have...and honestly i cant see either at this point. His failed marriages took what he used to have and now I have taken what he wants to have by using the credit and getting us into trouble...and now his hours suck so we are struggling once again...I just want one day, one minute right now where I can have everything go my way, just one day. just one day....just one day...please let things go my way for just one day...
M is here and wants me to get her clothes, so i am off....thanks for listening and by all means tell me to shut it and quit my whining because whining is counter productive.... the wind is back as well, gusty and ugly and the dirt is already flying, its not even 10am.....its here early today...so there goes a walk, i will not walk M out in this wind, its no fun, we eat dirt the whole time since we live on county maintained roads, unpaved...I will do my workout, I am going to do it now, I will put on Tin Cup in the bedroom and do my bowflex. The muscles will continue to burn the fat for 24 hours, so I will do that for sure. I just want my head to leave me alone, I get so sick of my head taking over my life.....
Just one day for me... Just one day for me... Please Lord....to feel happy and good about things and where we are in this world.... just one day... Thank you and Amen.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 9 March 2009 12:19 am |
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| BJ, all that despair must be difficult to carry! I wonder if D feels a lot of the same pressures you do, to try to make enough money, to have what you need, to get what you want... unfortunately the economy is working against a lot of us right now. I have been trying to figure out a summer job (I am a school counselor and only work 10 months) just to put some money back in the bank because I have had to pay more for everything this year, or so it seems. I just keep focusing on the fact that I still have a roof over my head and food in my stomach, and the same for my son. No vacation, no new clothes for me, not as many for him, cutting back on eating out, etc has been really hard, but I try to focus on the fact that we are still keeping our heads above water and that it will get better in the future. It's all we can do! Try not to let that negativity take over. Try to use positive self-talk to replace each of those negative thoughts, and do it consciously every time they try to creep in!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 10 March 2009 05:44 pm |
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hello mj! hello all!
you are so right mj, i need to relax and realize that the world is suffering financially right now. He sent me shopping on Sunday morning, and I had a budget, added some needed items in and was glad to have taken some cash my parents gave to me for christmas, because i used it all! I was really shocked when I went to buy him a carton on smokes. They are normally 29 a carton, and this time with the tax increase it was 39!!! I almost laughed at the lady who sold them to me, thinking it was a mistake.....We also got a letter from the mortgage man that has Obamas plan laid out for helping with getting economy back onto its feet and its still geared to help the wealthy and not the average every day working class. You can get help as long as your mortgage is current, well forgive my naitevity in that if our mortgages were current would we need any help??? :( It is a shame. They say the increase in tax was to encourage the economy, but i dont know....its crazy. and the shopping was bad too, i swear things i buy all the time are increasing, but what can we do? we have to live right? I dont know if it is going to encourage D to quit, but maybe in the end. Already he isnt sharing his smokes at work anymore, its too costly! We did talk about it alot though and we are both really proud of our efforts to keep goin forward without using credit. I forget how easy it was last year to whip out a cc and go to the store for groceries. Never should I buy food with credit. So, that alone is a great big step of good for us. I know that when his hours increase we will be ok, esp if we can do it right now!
Thanks for helping me work thru the emotions. Yes, D feels it just as much as i do because he doesnt want me to go to work and leave M at home or worse in a daycare...so of course he feels the pressure, esp when i get down and out and start to think too much about the money. Its not that I am not smart, I was a catering manager and an events manager and i have done pretty much anything else you can say but to go back out there and try to manage M and here and all the driving involved is simply not what i wish to do. I stress enough! I said out loud the other day that I want to stay home, to be with M while she is growing and getting ready to go to school in a year or so....I want to be here since my mom had to work and i didnt get to spend time with her as a child. So that is what we are going to do. He will get busy again, already last week has improved. He keeps saying that hey, if obama wants to help the wealthy that is OK with him since he works for the wealthy and they cant fix their big rv's so as long as they are good and spending and travelling he will always have a great job. Enough said! :)
We had a good weekend, I am still spotting, its been like a week and a half now! Argh, i hope my body gets itself on track soon....i feel like i am eternally on a period! :( I managed to work out on sunday out in the field raking and cleaning up weeds and burning them....which worked out well as it rained on monday! I even did a 3 mile fat burn walk yesterday and apparently it paid off as I weighed in today at 171. Yay for me. I hope to reach the st pattys day goal of 170!!! Go Girl!
We made some changes for M this weekend too, I decided to pull her hi chair out of her room, so she no longer eats in her room. It is just her sleeping, and playing area. She has already improved on her eating the entire dish of food, eating in a timely fashion and she also is a lot neater. I guess I took the tv for granted, thinking she was ok to eat in her room with her tv......but lately she was messier than normal, i mean up to her ears in food messy and it was taking her longer to eat since she was into the show....and therefor not eating all her food...who wants to eat cold food?? :( So, yeah, we changed that out and immediate improvement. The hard part is if she wants a snack, she has to get back into her chair in the living room....which is entertaining because half the time she asks for a snack, once i tell her to get into her chair, she suddenly isnt as hungry??? funny how that works...imagine if adults resorted to just let themselves eat at the table? not the tv, the bedroom, the car the office....i bet we would all be thinner just by exercisign that control!! LOL
Baby steps with mom and dad too, got another letter from mom via email. She is actually using the computer I gave them! I am proud. We opened all the gifts from them and the gals at my moms work, all M's aunties...she scored some great presents. She got a horsie she can sit on, with all the works, even makes noises, moves it tail etc...a lion blanket that she can lay on the floor with, a baby stroller to push her animals around in, some brushes and water colors and even a kiddie keyboard for learn to play the piano.....OMG....soo much stuff, its overwhelming but nice. I am hopeful she will adhere to my words and take care of these toys as they were not cheap!!!! So far so good.....I have not quite said they are from poppy and gramma, i dont want her to start talking about them all the time...i just let her think they were a surprise! She is very thankful, or so she sais.... :) So, after all that, I was kinda sad that they didnt see her open them....so D and i discussed having them down for an early st pats dinner on sunday. I wrote a note today and invited.....we shall see how they react. I wont let M go home with them, but a little time may be just what we all need. Even D is ready to see them again..... :)
I am going to get my workout done now, I feel like doing it. :) Wierd....but no walk today, gonna rest foot after yesterday, its kinda sore and achy....:( But a bowflex workout wont hurt my foot at all...
Have a great day! I hope you are doing well, as always!!! :) Hugs!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 10 March 2009 09:05 pm |
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| i am doing well today! I have eaten very healthy, and i have done the bowflex upper body workout AS WELL as 1 mile of the fat burn workout! Yay for me! :) And i also worked with M on matching, finding things in 2 pic's that arent alike and she did really well! It was a book my parents got her, some of it is a bit advanced and i need to work on communications, but she did really well overall....:) good day so far... :)
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 11 March 2009 01:29 am |
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Sounds like the door is gently opening with your parents. Maybe you are moving toward more of the relationship you want to have with them! It was very nice of you to invite them to visit and to see M with her gifts! Hope it goes well if they accept!
I have been doing Leslie tapes this week too. She really motivates me, and I like being able to just do a few miles if that is all I have time for!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 11 March 2009 09:17 pm |
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i just pushed thru 3 miles of the fat burn video...whew! i felt it today in my chest! wierd how some days i am able to push thru with no effort and then other days its like climbing a 10,000 ft mountain! i am really happy i got thru the entire 3 miles! I dont know if I will do some bowflex or not...thinking maybe some upper body or maybe just take a small walk with M when she gets up. Its not too warm outside, but its not windy so the cold is easily more tolerable.
D had some drama at work yesterday, but thankfully he got it all worked out today and he is happy again. His hours will be very small this check again, like 62 hours as compared to his normal of 120. Its gonna be a tight pay period. We have so much due, I just ask God to give me strength to not stress out over something as crazy as money. I must be a stickler about the settlement payment though for April. I have to ensure at least 200 from this check to put towards it, since we know the next check will not be at his normal either. I am a little nervous, I told him I wont go shopping, just have money for gas and then my settlement and whatever left can go to the mortgage! The bad thing is we still have credit to pay as well...oh mj i just dont know where its gonna come from.....i cringe to think of late fees etc as they just get you into trouble too....i cant miss the settlement though, they will cancel me and i will be back on my own again if i miss one payment. I tell myself God will make it all ok, as long as I hope and give my worry to him to carry for me. I read the other day that in my weakness he is his strongest....so i am leaning heavily on my Father these days. I am actually reading the bible. I have gotten it as a gift from D's sister, its called the message. Its like the easy to read version for dummies...LOL...not really, but its not all the thee and thous and the old english verbage. I am in Exodus now, just passed thru the red sea. I was in a youth group as a teen, but I was mostly there for the friends i made, since I was a new kid on the block...it was a nice segway to meet people. Sure I read the bible then, but i read it by verse during the sermons. D is Assembly of God and his dad is a minister, previously military also. D had a strict upbringing, as did his sister. She and I write emails to each other daily, its funny because we havent ever really talked on the phone. I confess I dont like the phone so much. I avoid it now. I had to use it all the time, 24-7 when I was in real estate, people dont know clocks exist when you are their agent...so yeah. we have never spoke live on the phone, short of hellos and hang ons.. :) But we can write books to each other about anything and everything personal or not. its quite unusual. I guess she really likes me and is very happy that D chose me to settle down with. :) That makes me feel good. They will be coming down for Spring break, her and her two boys. Her hubby is active duty, so he wont be coming along, he will be working. :(
Havent heard from mom and dad yet, but i got a hand written letter from my mom yesterday. It was in response to the last long letter I sent to them regarding my feelings, my wishes and my plans for M in regards to how it will be with them....and other things that were on my mind. She was very positive and encouraging and it was nice to hear her thoughts of me while I was living there, working, going to school, raising M around the saddness of my grampa being ill and my brother and dad working together and all the trouble it brought...etc.....she perceived me as being very capable, strong, loving and willing to help all others above myself and to share my beautiful daughter with all of them whenever they asked and she went on for 8 pages. So, i think I definately want to see them. They also got a antique HI CHAIR for M!!!! OMG ! That is huge! She said so many things in response to my concerns about M when she is with them. I felt much more encouraged this letter around. Now, if we could only see each other and have it be healthy too! Even D is excited to have dad come down with hopes that they can have a music jam and play some drums and guitar together.....to see him excited really encourages me!!!! He is my other half, if he isnt into them being here, then obviously i dont want them here either!!! We are a team!!! So, cross fingers we hear soon! :)
Gonna go for now, gona do some more reading..... :) have a wonderful evening and hope you are bright eyed and bushy tailed!    
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 12 March 2009 01:18 am |
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| BJ, that is awesome you got the full three miles in. She gives a good workout! Sorry to hear about D's work. Hopefully things will pick up soon! It is very encouraging to hear that you and mom are communicating via letters and she is opening up to some of your thoughts and ideas. Sometimes writing it out helps each person have the time to absorb it and respond in an appropriate way- it takes the immediate emotional reaction out of the equation. Hopefully when they come to visit it will be a more positive interaction for all. That's awesome that your mom said all those great things about YOU!
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BJD74
Senior Member
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Posted: 14 March 2009 04:26 pm |
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well yesterday and thursday werent the best days for me to workout and feel good about my progress. thursday, dentist appt went fine. Decided to surprise my mom at her work for lunch (for 4 years I have been going to have lunch on thursdays with her) and well, D kinda shot my idea down, and it hurt but he is weary of my excited i wannas and then i drop down and get really low...so, regardless i pushed and went. Lunch was a hit, it was good to see her and M was ecstatic and she called Dad since dad has been going for lunches, he just didnt make it that day, had taken dogs walking...so she asked me to go see him after. I debated, since I wasnt sure how my going to the house would go for me personally....but i did it anyway. At first it was fine, he had lots of ques, lots of unknowns and of course T my brother and my gramma get brought up...I tried to keep my cool, hoping he will drop it, but he had to share with me all the #%@&! he is taking from them, going all the way back to christmas...which i didnt want to do. Its past, I am over myself, my needing to pull back etc. He would drop it, we would move on, somethings I noticed about his watching M hadnt changed...he is still extrememly distracted. I will not be taking her to be with him at the house anytime soon. I dont know how to help him get beyond my brother and gramma....but eventually he got it all out. Apparently my gramma totally takes my letters out of context or she is just sick. She feels that I am being controlled, slave driven to work in the field and yards and destroying walls etc...that D is standing over me with a whip commanding me to do it...then she said she feels that i am being kept here at the house and unable to go anywhere, buy things, , she mentioned D's step mom, his mom died of cancer in 96. His step mom and his dad were here in Sept, of course my parents and gramma came so they could meet at least one time. I guess that Mary failed to mention D very much, and that struck my gramma as Mary must not like D very much.....and it all points to him being controlling and mean....and that is why his other wives left him....etc....OH MY GOD WOMAN...WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?????
I stayed calm while with dad, he went on with more, she has written a note to me, wanted to send 10$ and she wasnt sure if she should since she felt that D would intercept the mail and find the money and TAKE IT FROM ME!
CAn you believe this s.hi.t!? I cant. I can but I cant. I get so mad thinking of it, but I gotta get it out. I cant very well tell D, though I told him enough....we decided to do nothing, since doing anything will only add to her fire..besides she HAS NEVER SAID IT TO EITHER OF US? so what do we do then? So, insead I wrote a nice, inspirational, god fearing letter to dad and cleared my head....SO WHY DONT I FEEL ANY BETTER? D even said he couldnt have said it any better himself and it was a beautiful letter. That made me feel great (deep deep down somewhere I believe it made me feel great) but still i feel unrest. I am unhappy. I punished myself only yesterday by eating too much, not exercising and watching tv all day like a lump on the couch. Today, D and I attempted to be intimate and that was a flop BIG TIME...i wasnt into it, i didnt sleep, the dogs next store would not shut up for 2 minutes thru the nite...we had watched The Brothers Grimm and its about childrens storys like hansel and grettel and little red riding hood, and something is stealing the kids...and so these dogs are barking thru the nite, i am thinking oh man, something is out there, and i cant get to M and what if? just plain disturbing thoughts in my head all nite, i even put cotton in my ears to drown it out. I didnt cuddle with D either to comfort myself, instead I pull away and curl up with a pillow and wish i could disappear into the bed for days. Why do i feel this way? Do i fear deep inside that my gramma is right? Has it anything to do with her at all?? are all my worries and concerns simply drawn out of the financial duress we are experiencing and i am just applying that strain to EVERYTHING in my life? my precious simple life? Its so childish and stupid. I truely feel a mess. My mind is so very warped and I dont know how to make it clean again. I am praying, I am attempting to have a relationship with my Father, my Creator...but I just dont feel worthy. I feel like maybe he sees my troubles as nothing but specks in the big picture, but why isnt he telling me to give it all to him? why hasnt he come to visit me and say its all gonna be ok? What do I have to do to get that visit that I hear so many people talk about? Am I just not there yet? not desparate enough?
Sorry, I went off there didnt i? I am just in a funk. Its the weather maybe, its been gloomy since thursday, there is mudd everywhere and though the birdies are tweeting i cant find them anywhere? I could get into the car, load up the baby and go to town, deposit a small check of 18$ from geico and then take my little bit of cash and get some needed items at the store, but all i want to do is make some pasta and melt butter on it with parmesan and eat it till i feel sick.
I have to snap out of this before tomorrow, i simply musnt allow this to weigh me down when they are here with us. I cant clear the air anymore than I have, to take any of this to my gramma would be futile since she hasnt ever said it to us....but I just dont know how to get it gone.....
Ok, well, enough self pity, gotta pee and go see what M is up too...she has some kiddie scissors that we brought from gramma and poppys house and she loves to cut paper, into these itsy bitsy pieces....lol...she is so adorable, they are really impressed how much she is talking, behaving different, they APPEAR to see the progress that I have been working soo hard on.... and they also noted the weight loss with appreciation...
This is not about mom and dad, gramma and poppy....but it is about MY gramma.... darn it to #%@&!. Why do i let others opinions or negative feelings of me and my life get into my head like a cancer????
I have to run, take care MJ and talk soon. Thanks for being here.
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